I feel so sick and I look it too. I hope I don't die before I see you again.

I was just reminded when I went to a Rod Stewart concert and one of the band members asked me to come back stage after the concert. I wanted to go, but I was there with someone. I think it would have been too eye opening for me anyway....I was a very naive church going girl.

I nearly never drink, but my back pain is making today the exception. I put wine in my water bottle....yes, I am shocked too. I made chicken salad and ran to the couch. I do stretches when I get up.

I have been panicking about the current pain issue. I have been consuming vit C and ALA like mad, but I worry I may have begun a kidney stone(?) or it could be sciatica. But it is on the same side as the breast pain. Although, it feels better sitting, so that seems positive. I hope you are well.

I woke early and I was thinking pleasant thoughts... and one single note played on the piano. It felt like I was being told to stay positive, since not much has felt completely positive for awhile now. I am just floating and will see where I land and go on from there. As hard as it has been to not have direct communication, your aura of kindness touches me and lifts me up. Usually, if someone is gone, they are gone, but not you, you send out strong, silent messages of hope. I am just not always keeping myself open enough to let them in. My sadness was too strong at times to let in the blessings. I am not used to someone caring enough about me to keep up a vigil that way (for me).
My angel centers me too when I am open enough. My emotions can get the best of me at times and shut out what I need to let in.

I will toast/pray for you at the start of the new year and ask for my usual wishes of your happiness, safety, health and to always feel loved. You have been someone who has taught me many life lessons and how amazing it feels to have someone care about what happenes to me. That kindness transcended all the most difficult times and was at the very heart of what kept me going. No matter what happens from here, love and gratitude will always be at the heart of my thoughts about you.

I love you, honest as that.

My armpit still hits me with pain. It makes me nervous.

I am thinking of all the nice times and how you so sweetly took care of me. I still feel your presence. I just want to make life lovely for you, no matter at what capacity I am to you. I am devoted.

I never knew how beautiful life could be, until you were in it.

I got a thank you note from my mother. It was so cheery! She said something was so yummy, but I don't remember what that thing was she was talking about. I need to go back and see what was in the order. Usually in the past she would only tell me what was wrong with the things I sent; this is a new mother. No one else sends her anything, so I send it from us all. She is never fooled. People are fine with taking her checks, but do little back.  I am glad, though, that my son has become devoted to her. I can't face the drive.

I wish the people running this thing would get it over and stop being subversive. It isn't right to keep a person wondering what is happening and when. It is awfully cruel. It is also weird how some people who were nice have become rather unpleasant now and get such delight over telling me you want nothing to do with me. Who could possibly derive pleasure from the pain of someone else? It is the devolving of a human being, NOT evolving. They cannot really like themselves. The crescent moon is beautiful tonight. I did a much shorter prayer, just the basics, but friendly and thankful. I get really chatty when I drive for awhile. I have no idea if my license is still suspended, or not. When I call the DMV I am on hold for hours then they just tell me I am calling the wrong place and they give me a number for a place that gave me a number for them. In this life now, one cannot expect people to be helpful, or have pride in their job.  I remember at Sunnyvale Medical Clinic, people who did reception work would double and triple book patients and not care about the fallout. It would get crazy. The doctors had very "interesting" habits and every so often one of the nurses would have a breakdown and she would have to be sedated and one doctor sat in a darkened room crying and told me her problems. One doctor going through a divorce was always yelling and having his schedule cleared and if court changed and he was free, he wanted to have his day filled up again. I would always stay late after clocking out and getting it all filled back in and he would just say nothing and just have his day as usual not even wondering how it all magically happened. It seemed to be the case a lot, no matter where I worked, or went. I used to walk everywhere, but that encouraged a whole set of odd situations to arise, like being asked if I wanted a ride in their expensive cars, or pose for adult magazines. It was always something, like Gilda Radner used to say.
I guess my problem is that I am nice and people love to dump on nice people. Now, I am a lot more cynical and think I am so tough, but I know that I am not really tough, or ever cruel. I mostly take things internally and it makes me sad that people would be like that. Mostly it makes me angry if someone is cruel to someone else. It is easier to stand up for someone who is on the bad end of things by a bully than it is to stand up for myself. Restraining me and making me worry for the safety of someone else is the biggest torment for me. I hate liars and crooks. I also cannot abide by hard drugs, or people who take them. I am compassionate for their situation, but I don't understand it. It is like smoking; there is no excuse for it. One must make a concerted effort to do it, knowing it could lead to a real crappy death and ....wrinkles!I have been mega dosing vitamin C, I have a hard time thinking someone actually doesn't care if they deplete themselves of vit. C; it's like smacking yourself with a rock, might as well do that....
I got cancer from working in a nuclear pharmacy, because of lax standards. I got fired because I busted the guy making the medicine. He was just making it "willy nilly!" It could have been either strong as a Chernobyl reactor, or as weak as a glass of water.  He even went to college for it! How could someone be so wrong?How could I ever know that giving gifts could push an unhinged person so far over the edge? It was the perfect opportunity for the crazies to go to town with their vengeance. I wanted to talk to you and have fun laughing over books, or whatever else. It was everything to me, but I did nothing wrong. I thought the lie detection would have been helpful to keep them from being upset, but I was wrong, it made things worse.  I know, at least, that I am not a criminal, or bat shit crazy like those who wanted this done. They should realise that at some point they will be revealed and the public will know and it will remove them from any further social climbing and will be merely reviled and completely avoided as criminal crazy and the shame of the family. People who indulge their cruel vindictive side will not smell like a rose forever.....just the manure that makes the rose grow healthy. Karma will be paying them a call....no one escapes. Not my business.
I am tired, Good night. 
         

I seem to see improvements with the density of the mass, but I am very tired and feel a bit weak. I hope I am not doing something wrong. I just cannot overcome my trepidation of having the biopsy done in Daly City.

I crunched down on something hard. The tooth hurts like mad, if I hit it when I eat.  Tooth problems are always annoying.
I made very nice tuna cakes with the lowest priced tuna. It is supposed to be less mercury. I am not that enthusiastic about eating, but I get hungry.
I have so much that needs doing, but I just don't feel like doing it. I am tired.

How are you doing?

Thinking about you...as always.

I am dying to hear your voice talking to me.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable with getting an invasive procedure after it has been made perfectly clear what the people at Kaiser think of me. They did not care that I could have died from their abusive treatment before, why should I think they feel any different now? I would be a sitting duck for whatever they might want to do to me.

I am taking mega doses of vitamin C and ALA and I have seen wonderful improvements already in the right breast mass, but at times, I suddenly feel throbbing pain with a mass in my right axillary area and I get a sudden jolt of fright.

I am really in a quandary. What if I went to have it done and "Ooops for some reason, she had a seizure/stroke and died?"
I would ideally like an MRI of the breast, or a CT scan, but how do I get one ordered?
I did not sleep all night and am dead tired.

I am so enjoying a program called, "The Repair Shop." It is fascinating. There are many touching and historical stories behind the items that are brought in for repair. Also it is set in such quaint bucolic English countryside and the shop with its thatched roof. I love how nice they are to everyone and how talented. I always thought of taking old discarded furniture and making them into art. I was inspired by a shop in Palo Alto where a chair was changed into something magical and of fantasy with stars and various lovely colors of sapphire, purples and gold.
Since "someone" broke the entire antique Japanese tea set that I had from Nan Wood, it would be amazing to have it restored. The problem is that someone purposely broke it with such ferocity the set is most likely dust now; I cannot bear to open the container. At least there are two cups that survived, I am happy for that, especially since  I have one and my dear friend has the other.

It makes me feel like it is an allegory for: "Terrible things may happen, but true friendship will survive anything."

You are so very loved.

Because I do not get all the information about my situation, I often must go by gut instinct and emotion. I am not always correct. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I have been treated badly, frightened and have scars from the cruelty I have endured. I mess up. I have been through Hell paved with shit bricks. I think I lived through it fairly well. I know when people have helped me without accolade. It helped sustain me. A little means a monumental amount. I am so appreciative they cannot begin to know. Sometimes I don't pick up on things right away, sometimes it filters down in a quiet moment. But it blesses me and helps me to carry on. I love you.

I write my thoughts and they vary in the way I view things, because my information only comes in bits and pieces and how I feel.
People like to try and influence me with their own agendas and try and tell me how I should feel about my friend. The thing is that how I feel is my business, not for anyone else. They try and tell me how my friend thinks and feels about me. I think that is his business. He has the class and dignity to speak for himself. I trust him not to hurt me. I hope he trusts me not to hurt him. I could never purposely hurt him. It just has no place in my mindset. My instinct is to care for and about him. It is a part of me to want to do it. I do not care for, or want anyone else's input. It is private.

It makes me so happy that my love and loyalty have never waivered. (Even though my heart breaks all the time.)

I need a blood test and eye test, so I will do those the same day and same place.

I don't understand why someone has been allowed to do this cruelty and basically allowed to think it was okay. I am sure there is much I don't know and figured I would endure it, but it is a "what the hell?" kind of situation. I also figured it was some weird Draconian kind of punishment for accepting gifts. I would do anything to make things okay for you, but it is difficult to have people look at me and think of me as a terrible person. It isn't nice and people who did it are not nice. It has been 4 years! That horrible man should be arrested. You know who did it. It is someone who has been conspicuously absent. I would never let someone I cared about face it alone. Shows lack of caring. If I were able to be close to you, there would be no doubt about how much I cared about you. I miss your sweet face.

Couldn't I go to San Francisco for the biopsy? If it needs to be done? It is weird that Dr. Z and others do odd things and I get the fallout.

One might think that the people who did nothing wrong just "might" get tired of being treated like scum.

I hope that the real person who did this to me will wonder if she will eventually be found out. She knows she is a coward with no integrity. so do you. She put you through this too. Pretty shitty way to treat a "loved" one. Some day she WILL be outed as a criminal. Then she will know how it feels to be a REAL criminal and coward, not innocent like me. I would never put a loved one's name on a false R.O. just to save face and to keep his money available. Yeah, sounds like "true love" to me. I cannot understand what it must be like to be a monster like that. At least I am not a cowardly criminal....she IS!! I understand how difficult it is for you. I am disappointed I am allowed to be falsely accused and stay that way, but I love you, not your belongings.

I am sure no one will care if I have a biopsy, or not. I am a pariah. I hope those who did this to me feel better about themselves. It is sad when people have to hurt others to feel better about themselves. Pathetic isn't it? I may be a pariah, but at least I am not a criminal. They are! I hope they can do as well as I have done when they are known as a real criminal! I don't think they will be looked at as well when they are known for setting up an innocent person!

1. It's so bizarre how badly I have been treated at K, with just the smearing of those two who wanted me to be disliked. No one will ever believe me, but I find it is not uppermost in my mind. I stupidly have told people what happened, but it doesn't help, they merely look at me with a jaundiced eye. They who did this just looked at me as if I were not even a person. They obviously did not care if it scarred me

Doing anything would be special with you.

If you don't want to know me, just call off the thing and I will have you as a fond memory and a forever sadness of my heart. I haven't tried to go there to catch a glimpse, even though it was all I wanted to do so many times and fear caused the other thing as protection. It was not real in the first place anyway. So....
I would do anything necessary to keep you happy.

When people tell me that you said unkind things about me, I don't really believe them, but it sneaks into my mind once in awhile and makes me feel bad. People love to be hurtful, it seems.
I do not.

Mega dosing of vit C and ALA seems to be creating a positive impact of the breast issue! The pain has subsided and the mass density is also subsiding and becoming supple, barring a medium size mass. I will keep up the mega dosing and see how it goes! I may do an IV drip, or injections, or even enemas. I am treating it like an experiment. Unfortunately, I did not journal it, but I basically took 2,000 mg every 2 hours and a bit less frequently with the ALA.

Maybe I should just disappear. I am making life hard for you and others. Just recently I got something in the mail that made me feel happy, but this biopsy issue has me feeling confused and frightened and reticent. Then this legal stuff coming up is throwing me for a loop, because I feel I may be railroaded again. Someone wants to just grind me into dust. I would have never dreamed that my nothing little things, would have caused such an uproar. It was what I told the faux psychiatrist that got the ball rolling and my lie detector test and the other. I think it is a warning. The thing is that I am loyal and will not desert someone I care about, no matter the discomfort to myself. Protect yourself. I am not important. You are in my heart. I will just wait and see what the bad people want to do to me and deal with it. I have nothing bad to say about you, because there is nothing bad to say about you. I desperately want to get away from the crazy world and live in solitude taking you in my heart with me as I always do anyway. Don't let them disrespect you. You have class, kindness, compassion and dignity.....they do not!
I go in and out of being emotional. It is very difficult. I am really proud I did as well as I did.

• Maybe I am wrong about some things, but with no explanation, what is often presented now to me, just seem like lies and in general, lies are suspect and to be avoided. You have my trust completely only. I have been hurt so many times, my instincts have become feral and knee jerk. I wish I could know what is going on better. As it is, I have just put everything on hold. I am absolutely terrified. 

My dream is to be alone with you and revive our spirits.

If you want freedom, you have to help make it happen. I will do anything to help you.

It astounds me at the depths to which people will go to try and hurt someone. I did nothing wrong, yet someone is Hell bent on destroying me and hiding behind others to do it. That is sinking pretty low. I guess they think they are too good to fight their own battles, which says they have no integrity and lots of cowardice to me. It really lowers their credibility and status. There is a very good chance they are mentally ill and abusive.

I will just stop communicating with most of the various entities. Some have their own agendas, co-operating with others, or misunderstand. I don't want to risk confusion or creating upset. This is one reason why cutting off communication is not good. I will just wait and have faith and try not to worry. I have to just have faith in you, because unlike them, you don't want to hurt me. It has been a very long time since I could trust someone completely. It is you. Only you.

https://www.vitamin-c-cancer-treatment.com/vitamin-c-treatment/rectal-cancer-rectal-carcinoma

It lists a variety of cancers...

I am thinking about injecting vitamin C to fight whatever is going on in my breast and maybe vitamin injections too. I wish I could get input.
http://www.doctoryourself.com/vitciv.html

I just wanted to know you and keep my love for you to myself. I didn't expect to have people jump in and make such devious traps and harassment. I have never heard of such a screwed up place of business; it is not right. That law firm needs to go. Anyone who went along with the torment is a twisted piece of human material. I don't trust anyone but you. This entire thing was a travesty. The people involved should stop it now before it gets worse for them. I am nice up to the last minute, which this is, but they need to show some sense and put an end to it and just let you do what you want, whether it puts me in your life at all, or not; it is your life. I love you, so I want whatever makes you happy.

That inspector is not trustworthy. Don't trust him. He loves to say he has spoken to you and that you say mean things about me. Do what you want, but if you do talk to him, just know it is not confidential. I just told him that you were obviously messing with him. He was trying to hurt me, so screw him! He should have higher ethics/standards! People are assholes just for the fun of it at times

I am frightened, but I don't trust people there. I truly think I have painful, non cancerous lumps, but maybe not. I had a lot of tests go wrong, especially that 2.5 hr. MRI and the rough way I was treated and the doctors who would not examine me, or the ER doctors and nurses who said very strange things to me. That place is run by the cruel attorney who said he was glad he put me in jail (yes, he said it in an email to me) what would stop him from having something "go wrong" during a biopsy? I need independent "eyes" to keep me safe. Strange too that Dr. Z was so adamant that breast cancer does NOT cause pain!!!! Later, he called and practically BEGGED me to get the biopsy! What am I supposed to think? It made me even MORE nervous! (Like someone got to him!) I would not be in quite such a quandary if those things did not happen. I just want to be assured that nothing bad will be done to me. I have had bad experiences! How can I be blamed? I need my power of attorney for healthcare to weigh in.

I think there should be a special dispensation for people who have emergency situations.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/317736.php

Armpit pain.

I guess I will set up a biopsy appointment.... I just wish I didn't feel so alone.

It wasn't a matter of controlling, it was a matter of fear.

I have had so many people there tell me all my faults and how awful I am and how much you dislike me, so I guess I need to stand up for myself. I am at such a disadvantage. It is not easy not seeing, or talking to someone who is so firmly in my heart. All I can do is hope and have faith and accept whatever the result may be. Being told that I am controlling added in another worry to my mind. I cannot let it bother me so much. I just can't. This has been a callous, very long time and I have had to fight emotions on my own at the same time dealing with faux legal attacks too. I have had a mountain of cruelty piled upon me and my integrity and my kindness as a caring human being have been under attack, so that I will hate myself. I accept my many obvious faults, but I would not be fair to myself, if I did not stand up for my many exceptionally uniquely good traits too. I know that out of all of this that I am loyal, dedicated and would actually give my life for someone else, who was not my son. It is love, but I am also realistic and as I have said, must accept possible disappointment with dignity and grace and mourn privately, but will always offer my support and help.  That has always been a big part of who I am.

   

Please don't ever let misunderstanding stop us from knowing each other; it would be such a waste.
You will always be such a light in my life. I want to be a light in yours too.
I need to express my emotions. I have kept myself mostly isolated. Maybe it seems over the top, but it is not, it is just what I need to do so you will understand me. It is all I have as my outlet too. I can't explain it entirely.
It is a diary of my thoughts as they come. It has helped me, along with my prayers to stay alive.

I wish I could be with you for the beginning of the new year. It would mean so much!

It would be so wonderful knowing you under NORMAL circumstances!!!

I want to know what YOU think about things and how YOU feel. I respect you and want to know you better. I mean, yes, I would like my input on things too and know all avenues are being considered, especially when it comes to health, but I am reasonable, not pushy, or demanding, that is not my nature. Besides, you are intelligent and reasonable and not mean to me and have my best interests at heart; the others don't care, nor look at me as an individual. I put my faith in you. I gave you health care powers of attorney and over everything else, although that creepy Mr. Ed took the papers out of the mail. He took anything I mailed.

Just remember, I did not start this thing. No one asks to be brutalized and thrown in jail. Faux cruel legal was layered over an innocent idea of a desire for friendship. Lie detection would have sufficed. 

No one in this thing talked to me in a normal way. I was always yelled at.  That is also how I ended up with MP.....

I have been screwed over for over four years. I am strong, but it cannot help but take somewhat of a toll on me. I am not a stone statue. Please don't believe anyone but me about me. It is only fair. I deserve a normal situation and some time to prove myself. I have been taunted, traumatized and terrorized and jailed and abused. Let me heal, for God's sake.

I got 2 letters from K, but am afraid to open them.

I guess I can be frustrating sometimes. I don't trust many people any longer. I always think people people are going to hurt me, or you. Well, they have, so I come by it honestly. I need to only have tests ordered by my trustworthy person and know that it has come via that route. It gets confusing.

If a person has money, they will always be a target; especially if they are flashy with it. Didn't Gary Snyder say something about people living in prison over money? You always need to fend off those who want to relieve you of it, even those close to you, it seems. I'd rather people be safe. People have been so desperate and cruel, they scare me. I might seem controlling in my situation, only because it is an odd situation and my abilities have been severely limited and the people who are actually in control are cruel, creepy and desperate. In a normal situation I am not like that. Nothing in this thing has been normal. I have been worried to death about you. See me in the real world. But that inspector said you wanted nothing to do with me. Why? Please give me a chance, okay?

All I ask is for a chance. I am having a rough 2 days. People I thought were trustworthy were not, so I am kind of spinning around and cannot relax.

I want to go to Half Moon Bay with you. It is a favorite place to me and I think to you too. I remember we both were touched by the cemetery. I love that we have many things in common.

I am up all night frequently. I am frustrated and angry, and miss you.

We could have so much silly fun! We could be spiritual. We could be interested in new modalities for helping people. I am just trying to say that we could enjoy all aspects of life....if that sounds good to you. I want to get out of my funk and laugh.

Do you think I am overbearing? I was told you said that about me. I don't really believe it, but if you do think that, let me stand up for myself. In my defense, I have been put through Hell for 5 years, or so. I have never really had a chance to be normal. I have always been terrorized by someone there. MP was brought there to hurt me. Who is going to be completely normal after all that has happened to me? I survived thinking about you and hoping to see you again.
Writing here is just to relieve my anxiety. No one should be judged in a situation like mine. Please.

That inspector was hanging up on me like a child. He would not listen to what I had to say and was telling me that you wanted nothing to do with me. I will only believe you. It is, of course your right, but I need to hear it from you. I think that if it is the case then untrue things have said about me. I was able to live through this because of all you mean to me. I will love you always.

Life without you has been unbearable.

I am so tired of people talking for you and saying cruel things to me even an inspector.

I loved seeing you blush. Seeing you was extraordinary and had to last me all this time. My heart broke over and over.

Please help me.

Hello, sweet "Luddite!" :-)

You have absolutely no worries from me, if you see me again. I am still worried about my breast pain issue. I don't want to die before seeing you again. It is my dream.

I have such deep feelings of caring for you.

When able, please contact me, so I can understand things, I think of you as my lovely friend and miss you so much, but I know now that it was not going to just be a simple waiting period.  I have been beaten up pretty well with all kinds of mental challenges and outright cruelty too. That is not you. Someone wants to make me mess up, hate you, or maybe die from health issues. I wish they would understand I want to know you, not take anything from you. Are you not allowed to have friends? Give me another lie detection, if you have any doubts. I would not be offended. 

I don't know what kind of constraints you are under, but I would be so upset by the way you have been treated. That horrible man has incorporated even County people attacking me and lying and saying ugly things to me they attributed to you. I don't make any judgment. I will always believe you first and always.

I need to find workers to help me clean and clear out the house. I was frozen too long and need help. So much was wrong when I got here. I want it to be nice if you will take 1/2, but it should be done anyway. I would just be "over the moon" to see you again. I hope you will allow me to get to know you again. I already know about you and your kind heart, so I am most of the way there. You have my heart, but I would only be what you want me to be to you. I hope you trust me and give me a chance.

That scummy place doesn't deserve you. That law firm has made it a piece of crap.

I will always take care of you and love you.

Would you please stop this farce? I have been hurt for so long. If you don't even care about me, then what is the point anyway? If you do even like me, then come when you can, because I love you no matter what.

I know this entire thing was an abuse of the legal system. It was a farce made just to keep me away; that is just weird. All you had to do was tell me about it so I would not have been so sad all of the time. It hurt me so much. I deserve to have it over with no consequences. Was it all just a joke? Do you even like me at all? Why was it done? Just to hurt me? Could you please end it? I won't try and see you. I want to live again. I love you and that is probably the only thing real about it all.

You always made my pulse go crazy. I thought I would pass out when you touched my hand. I would nearly give all I have to have that again. That one moment in time is my most memorable and the most one I fantasize about. It makes me happy and then sad.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a so, so actress, but one thing she says in one movie that hits me every time: she said, I was just so in love with you. The intensity with which she said it made what she said so real and it really hits home with me, so I always cry. I think of you each time. It is strange because I love you as deeply as I did the last time I saw you. I have never had so much trouble just knowing someone and made to feel like I was a bad person because of it. I hate to say it, but you work at a very scary, intrusive place, I cannot understand why someone as great as you went there.
I miss you so much. 

I need to get my health issue straightened out. I hope I live long enough.

I guess everything will need to be in your hands in the end. You cannot believe how many people seem to be "staking a claim" where you are concerned. I just want to share my home with you and be able to see you when I can and take care of you, if you need. The last person involved in this kept saying things like that you didn't want anything to do with me. I love you, but those people act like predators. They are still being unfair to me. Hope you will be there on the fourth of Feb. If you can just get away from all of them and sort things out, you can start over from where you want. I will do anything to make you happy. I owe it to you from what you have done for me and because of how I feel about you. I get so upset about all the weird things people say to me about you. Be happy and safe. I only want you to make decisions for me.

🎄The Gift That Keeps on Giving!! 🍬

Case Information

19-NM-005389-A | The People of the State of California vs. Cheryl Jan Petrovich

Case Number
19-NM-005389-A

Court
Criminal 

File Date
04/23/2019

Case Type
Complaint

Case Status
Active

************************************************************

Awwww! You shouldn't have!!!

🎁

A card would have sufficed.....seriously.......no, I MEAN it!!!! Socks? Underwear? A Groupon?

You didn't see me chained up and marched off to the van to jail. I was strip searched and mocked about being dizzy and nauseated from the stress and was given no meds although I was told they would. I guess it would have been too much for you to see me in my chain "bling." No one could possibly have thought I deserved it....did you? I tried to make a joke of it, but it was no joke. Takes some kind of twisted mind to subject an innocent human being to that, merely because they were upset that I was a gift giver. That is one mentally ill individual! Danger!

The entire time my mouth was gagged and my rights were stolen. Only thoughts of you got me through.

Other people started this, I want only us to end it.

I actually do bargain with God to be able to see you again. After that possibly happens, then I have no more desires in life. I have lived so long looking forward to seeing you again, nothing else matters. I want to see you go past the doorway and see you look for me and smile again. That was my thrill.

I will love you unconditionally and unreservedly forever.

No visit from Santa. I don't care, but what would heal my heart and soul would be to hear from you again.

"Profound Emotions"

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Profound Emotions~

You are the true love of

my life

The dream of my soul

The beat of my heart

The half making whole

Life became glorious

A Paradise, of delights

The thought in my mind

Forever excites

What is my destiny

The look in your eyes?

The smile on your face

The pain you disguise?

The thought of your

magic

Your tenderest touch

The breath I hold back

That tells me so much

I cry from despair each day

you're gone from my sight

My devotion to you prompts

my strength to give fight.

Life wasn't meant to go on

this way

Where people are strangled

from the words they can say

No one may control the will

of another

We are free to find love

or give support to each other

My love for you is a voice that

yearns to speak loudly

No matter the problem

I'd stand by you proudly

~Haviva

(c) HVM 2019

The inspector who attacked me said that you called me "overbearing." I cannot take it as true until I hear it from you. I truly can't believe it anyway. You are kind and you would not subject me to that additional pain. If there were just a meeting with us, it could all be over. I will do what you want. I still want you as co-owner here, unless you tell me no.I only want what you want, but I should at least have a chance. I have suffered for 4 years, lately only wishing for a glimpse of you. People like that horrible man smear people and destroy their reputations and hope they die. "Nice" person. He is such an idiot, he must have paid someone to take his tests.  He still does that kind of thing today.

Of course, do what makes you happy.

This has become my life. If it is to stay this way, I don't want it.

Someone suggested I get thermography, where it shows a heat area of infection, or other invasion that raises the temp.

Thermography is a test that uses an infrared camera to detect heat patterns and blood flow in body tissues. Digital infrared thermal imaging (DITI) is the type of thermography that's used to diagnose breast cancer. DITI reveals temperature differences on the surface of the breasts to diagnose breast cancer.Jan 11, 2018

Please don't take things I write, badly. I am struggling. Sometimes I am not sure I want to live any longer. Life is nothing without you in it. I want you to have the life you want and be happy. Just tell me if I am not included, honestly, then I could make decisions about my remainder of time. No one else needs to design our friendship. Please don't tell anyone else that you don't like me, just me. I really do not care what happens to me, without your friendship in it. Also don't believe anyone but me about what I want, or feel. I won't believe anything they tell me you have said, if it is negative.

Our friendship can mean whatever we want it to be. I love you forever, no matter what. You are a part of me and in my soul.

"Let's be free spirits together"

~"Anne of Green Gables"

Profound Emotions~

You are the true love of
my life
The dream of my soul
The beat of my heart
The half making whole

Life became glorious
A Paradise, of delights
The thought in my mind
Forever excites

What is my destiny
The look in your eyes?
The smile on your face
The pain you disguise?

The thought of your
magic
Your tenderest touch
The breath I hold back
That tells me so much

I cry from despair each day
you're gone from my sight
My devotion to you prompts
my strength to give fight.

Life wasn't meant to go on
this way
Where people are strangled
from the words they can say

No one may control the will
of another
We are free to find love
or give support to each other

My love for you is a voice that
yearns to speak loudly
No matter the problem
I'd stand by you proudly

~Haviva

(c) HVM 2019

I will love you forever, even if I never see you again. I guess I say good-bye for now. I suppose I cannot leave you anything, just in case it goes to someone near you who wanted to hurt me.

One of the inspectors convinced me you thought I was overbearing and seemed to indicate my life was not worth living. I agree. I will do nothing about my health. I don't want the person I care most about to feel that way about me. The pain would be too unbearable.

I know you are gone. I write and pray just to put good vibes of protection out into the Universe.

I am alone, sad and still have people telling me you dislike me.  Just tell me that yourself. Please? I hurt so much. I know that isn't you to hurt people. You are better than that.

When they said, "love hurts" they must not have been speaking about this situation, otherwise they would have said, "love kills."

Holidays are just another time I wish I were in a coma.

Are you working today? I wish I were there. Have a nice day. I would love to see you, even for a moment. I want to hug you.