I have had so many people there tell me all my faults and how awful I am and how much you dislike me, so I guess I need to stand up for myself. I am at such a disadvantage. It is not easy not seeing, or talking to someone who is so firmly in my heart. All I can do is hope and have faith and accept whatever the result may be. Being told that I am controlling added in another worry to my mind. I cannot let it bother me so much. I just can't. This has been a callous, very long time and I have had to fight emotions on my own at the same time dealing with faux legal attacks too. I have had a mountain of cruelty piled upon me and my integrity and my kindness as a caring human being have been under attack, so that I will hate myself. I accept my many obvious faults, but I would not be fair to myself, if I did not stand up for my many exceptionally uniquely good traits too. I know that out of all of this that I am loyal, dedicated and would actually give my life for someone else, who was not my son. It is love, but I am also realistic and as I have said, must accept possible disappointment with dignity and grace and mourn privately, but will always offer my support and help.  That has always been a big part of who I am.