At least I wish I could have seen you.You would have known I had the wrong date. I don't know why it happened. I am annoyed. I need to blame someone.🤔🤦👻 Got any ideas?
You are funny!
Tuesday, February 23, 2021
Terrible
It is after 4 am and I have not yet slept. I really did not sleep much yesterday either. Up at 6 am! Yikes! It is terrible.
Good
I want us to fend together as a team against bad. If that sounds good, then great. I don't want you to ever be held as a puppet for others. Live free. I want to help, nothing else. But as someone who loves you, I am dedicated.
Monday, February 22, 2021
Sick
I look very ill. I am so pale. Bloated. I look awful. I don't care about anything but getting rid of the illegal crap. Have your say and ignore me. I mean nothing to you anyway. I was hoping to know you and get in shape, but that is a lost hope.
Anytime you need help I will be here. You will always be someone I love.
Take care, be safe and just know you can always call and I will run to help.
Die
Even if it was you and you wish bad things for me, I still love you. I will probably die, so it won't matter.
Cowards
I am not going to believe negative answers here, because I do not deserve it. My friend is not cruel; that was cruel. The people who manipulate him ARE, however, cruel. I am sure he must regret ever meeting those people and their self-centered ways. Such cowards who do not speak up for themselves. Pathetic cowards!
Integrity
You have usually been there for me; now is not the time to stop. No one should ever compromise their own integrity, or legal safety, to help criminals who only want to steal from you and then get rid of you.
Sunday, February 21, 2021
Home is in your eyes
Home is in your eyes~
someone
could mean to me,
until you.
Your kindness brought me
back around.
Your caring made me stay.
Your eyes made me feel
at home.
I am so very homesick
I want to go home.
More than anything
I have ever wanted.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2018
could mean to me,
until you.
Your kindness brought me
back around.
Your caring made me stay.
Your eyes made me feel
at home.
I am so very homesick
I want to go home.
More than anything
I have ever wanted.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2018
Grand design
I just went to a thrill ride of buying loose gemstones on ebay so that I can either make jewelry, or sell them at a profit. I got a nice variety of stones of various colors and type. I got nothing under 5 ct. and many well over 10. I got 20 stones and paid around $70.00! They come from India, so they take a dog's age to get here, but I am excited at the prospect. I had already been collecting some. A jeweller once told me even the man made ones could sell for quite a lot. We shall see. Just keep collecting and then will design jewellry.
I keep getting such pain where I think the gallbladder removal was. Right near the breast. Ugh, sharp spiky pain.
Momentary Life
Everything in this life is temporary,
ephemeral
It is a wisp of fragrance that floats past
on a breeze
It is a smile that quickly passes from
pain
It is anger that cools instantly upon seeing the face of regret
It is the joy that is crushed
by the comment of
a cruel interloper
It is a love letter that fades and crackles
into dust,
when love lingers on
It is the mortal shell of my
spiritual being
tenderly holding
eternal
dreams, and memories
but weakening and withering,
returning to earth,
forever setting free
my soul
to fly .
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2018
Work
How has your day been going? I always think of you as doing much more industrious and productive things than myself. One would think I would be working each day to improve my surroundings, but surprisingly not. I WILL get back into it! I have allowed my emotional side get too involved and it surpasses my work ethic......or so my excuse goes!
Well
I have been worried about you. You seemed in a bad mood, or place, but that is just my thinking. Sometimes I just pull it out of the air, or base it on my own thoughts. It is a difficult situation. Whenever I have felt positive about how things will go, the floor drops out from under me, or it all. My renter woke me awhile ago and said we were running late. I said "we don't leave until Monday." But at first I was startled. Things are in a jumble, so I panicked for a moment. I was up until the sun was beginning to show itself. I am a chronic night 🦉 owl even more than usual. My friend said she has gotten that way too. I actually began doing that when I was on chemo and stayed at K in Santa Clara, sometimes weeks at a time, going on for a year. I had to drink water by the pitchers full to a bizarre point. I had the room set up like I was at home. I think bringing a sound machine helped block out the noise a lot and created a nice atmosphere. Everyone should have one there if they want to create a more pleasant environment. I also had potpourri and my own pillow and throw. Then other times I just went to the infusion center for most of the day.
I really messed up my kidney on one side. It has been hurting on a regular basis. I am doing what I can. I took so much vit. C it was crazy. I was so afraid I had cancer. I went so overboard. It was a scary time. I am still baffled by the people who were involved in the lie. Didn't they understand that backing the lie meant they were trying to harm me? What other reason could there have been? Prank surgery, ha, ha? I was trying to avoid it with supps and overburdened my kidneys. That med was not nice either. That is serious stuff. That cannot go unpunished. Someone could die. I think it was the idea. Brings the phrase, "I'd kill for you" to a whole new degree. I have been changed in several ways. I just noticed I left the TV going. There goes the bandwidth! I was running on fumes anyway. Not bad picture for the situation...."Antiques Roadshow UK" 24/7! It runs better if I don't turn it off, it seems. Guess it will be my next life. Not a bad Heaven.
I love feeling like I am conversing with you. It is a back and forth in my mind. It is natural to think of you, even if I were shy in person. I don't want to be shy, but it is not my call. I just want to thumb my nose at those who think they are in charge. I am sick of it.
I hope you are very well. Sending my love and regards.
Usually
You were so kind! Thank you!!!
I apologise for not being "on top" of things and did not see it. I also must say I am so sorry for being rather cruel. I was wrong. I am not usually like that. Awful of me. Love.
Saturday, February 20, 2021
🕊️
"When someone does something wrong,
don't forget all the
things they did right" 🤦🥀🕊️🦋
Empathy
"The Name of Love"~
Dreams that come from within your eyes
Reflect the way you empathize
You showed me compassion with wide open heart
Life free to survive and not fall apart
I've lived without you for too many years
It caused anxious worry, intangible fears
I thought you'd forget me, or hate my mistakes
So many monsters, so many fakes
You kept me warm in captive cell walls
The small acts of kindness, the way that love calls
Times were a struggle, desolation replete
I hid from from the world, but rejected defeat
"I love you forever", is the song of my soul
I've no aspirations, just one beautiful goal
I want to hug you and impart my devotion
I'll try not to faint, or flood with emotion
To lose you again would deal the last blow
My heart could not take it, and down I would go
Your eternal essence put spirit to flame
I know that my love hears only your name.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2018
Magical
"A Revival"~
There's a dream of my heart that will never grow old
It has traveled a path of the timid and bold
I knew it awoke when I saw you one day
You called me at home in your sweet, casual way
My senses and instincts knew you were the one
I'd been thinking my life was mostly all done
You took this weary, and hard ravaged soul
Reviving my spark seemed to be your one goal
The magical melding of your heart with mine
Made sweet joy we found feel like Heaven divine
You graciously shouldered my sadness and tears
I want to take yours for the rest of my years
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2018
Dance
A heart can break in many ways
It may happen all at once, or take several painful days
My love for you was very strong
And made my life a charming song
I had a dream I'd live forever
A bond like ours would never sever
Other forces sought us to part
They kicked my mind and punched my heart
I sank so low in great despair
To tell the truth I still stay there
I hide my pain as best I can
Not many folks would understand
You gave me fuel that fed my soul
It brought me back to feeling whole
Divine delight of destiny
May find a way to set me free
I ache to see your face nearby
I'll find a teardrop in my eye
If you'll give me another chance
My heart will heal and start to dance.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2019
River
I guess all I can do is wait and see what you want. I suffered for over 5 years but with the hope of friendship keeping up my mental strength. I am truly handicapped by not having any information and merely conjuring. I feel like a science experiment. All I have going for me is my love, kindness, honesty, caring, devotion, loyalty and conscience.
Other than that, this thing has been unfair, criminal, inhumane and abusive. I have become different in some ways and have a permanent river of sadness running through me.
Friday, February 19, 2021
Care
My life has been terribly damaged. I want to say ruined, but I resist, because I always hold hope. I have been treated like a supernumerary, invisible and sub-human. Many times felt like dying, but I was damned if I was going to let someone else make that decision for me. My life, such as it is, is mine.
I never knew I could care more about someone else's welfare much more than my own, but I do. Yours.
World
I truly hate myself at times. I know when I can understand things are okay and can actually communicate with people and it doesn't feel like a weird fantasy world where I never truly hear back from anyone. I never say anything bad about you, just about bad people who have hurt you and deserve punishment because of it. I stand up for you; I do not say bad about you. Please don't lose me to a misunderstanding, especially one that was well intentioned. I have lost a bit of perspective, I guess. I figured help was being sought from me. I care so much about you; I want you to have justice. I am sorry if I was wrong. You are not the bad guy, you are the victim, so am I. I should never been thrust into this situation. I have not been able to speak entirely honestly to my mother, or my son. I have seen the look of disdain in his eyes and worse, shame and his lady, who I think of as my daughter-in-law doesn't want to see me, or have anything to do with me. What did I do to deserve that? Nothing, but my hate is not for you; it is for "her". What she has done shows what kind of monster she is. It needs to be known by those who are going to punish her. I am, though perhaps wrong in aspects of my judgment. It doesn't all seem real most of the time, since I just talk to myself. This is all a nightmare. I just wanted to make you happy, but I guess I failed. I suppose now I will lose you, but I don't want to. I want to love you forever and make life lovely for you. I have been reviled and been hated by those I don't care about. You are the only one who matters to me. If you hate me, then I do too. My life is barely worth living anyway. You are the only part of my life that created pure joy for me. Your name will be on my lips when I pass to the next world.
That much.
If I ever screw up and hurt you, let me try and make up for it and spend my life apologising. No one else would matter that much to me.
You want
I know this entire matter is upsetting, but this will be the chance to get away from oppression, the air cleared and allow you to live the life you want.
I hope dearly with all of my heart, that I have the great honor to be a small part.
Enough
I hope it is just me, but I feel as if I am always doing something wrong......I hope not. I don't ever want to upset you. You have had enough upset.
Okay
I hope that we stick to not being upset by anything, until given a chance to explain.I am and that video was a hard one to take. It actually shook me up for awhile. I will never look at it again, but I am not trashing everything because of it. I weigh out the good against the bad and give the benefit of the doubt. Too many crazy things and people have done terrible things and it must be taken with a grain of salt, or an entire barrel full....
Yes, I mess up and have done and said wrong things, but the dedication is still there. I am terrified, okay?
Tired
I know I have truth on my side, but I am frightened. Truth has never saved me in the past. I count my blessings, but I also count my losses and they have been more plentiful at times.
I am so tired and emotionally drained.
Spirit
It is so roasty toasty today. During the night it was so cold, now it it is sunny and warm. Trying to get things done and weeding out things to give to the charity shop and figure out my things for the trip down to San Mateo. I am creating more of a mess. I bought some paint online and am going to paint the floors first and then put rugs scattered around. I have a huge roll of carpet in the garage, but moving it is impossible. Was up late, slept late. I don't know what needs to be brought to the "thing." The attorney tells me little to not much at all, except to drop a few bombs on me once in awhile. My kidney thing is also causing some issues. I am taking the "stone crusher"again on a more regular basis. I found a different brand. Got some new N95 masks and a cute one to go over them. It will be nice to be able to hire some help getting things organized and rid of things. It is limiting when few companies will come here to this remote town to work.
I think I have written the hell out of "the subject" and not certain what I need to bring as my "evidence." I have managed to make my house a mess. I seems to do that before a clearing. I get too many things going and feel as if I have painted myself into a corner.
How are you today? I always wonder how you are doing. You always seemed healthy and doing well, but who knows. You are stoic. I have always admired your strength, but it always made me want to hug you, because I knew how brave you were so many times. What I loved the most is that you trusted me with your vulnerability. It made me care so much. I always wanted to tell you how much it mattered to me. I wanted to give you things because I loved seeing you happy. It truly is my delight. I guess that is why they attacked it. It went to the core of my happiness and made it a bad thing. I had never known that before. I love to give special people things that made them happy and to have it denigrated and turned into a crime, was shattering. Anyway, it did not kill my spirit, or my caring.
"The Antiques Road Show" had their Holocaust special on, so I cried my eyes out. I saw films of the poor ragged people, looking so barely alive and still managing to smile for the camera. I was thinking that no matter how hard I thought I had things at times, nothing compares to that.
Be very well, my dear one.
Thursday, February 18, 2021
They say edited
So, what changed? If they are saying things (lies) about me now, then you can understand why; the court thing is coming up. They are terrified and will do and say anything to stay out of jail/prison.
What exactly did I do that was worthy of legal restraint? My "crime" was to be grateful to a wonderful doctor who made me want to live again after my husband died and I became a recluse. He was kind to me and went above and beyond for me to help me do better for myself. I cannot have anyone do so much for me without acknowledging it and showing my gratitude. I probably gave around 6 gifts over the period of years I was doctor Lukaszewicz's patient. One of the most noticeable things about Dr. Lukaszewicz was that he was very respectful and did not belittle me as did many other doctors. He treated me more than respectfully; he treated me with dignity. He was always concerned about how I might be treated and would let the new doctor know that being weighed was a sensitive subject for me. It was a sensitivity for my feelings that I had not been used to before. It was absolutely delightful and heart warming. I felt protected, cared about. My husband had drowned, I got a terrible and rare cancer soon after. Being a widow with a teenaged son was bad enough, but dealing with a very rare and serious cancer soon after, was devastating. I was grateful to a doctor friend for her assistance and her friend too who helped with research at the Lane Medical Library. They came across an experimental chemo by two doctors. One of whom was at UC Davis. My cancer was a child's brain cancer. I asked about the effects of the chemo he said, "I don't know. No one else has ever lived!"
Dr. Lukaszewicz was someone to whom I was referred for my lipedema and lymphedema situation. He took me from a state of feeling despair and alone, to one of not feeling so alone and scared. He was someone who seemed to care what happened to me. It was lovely. I emailed to him various studies and articles on the subject of my condition and I started a walking group for people with similar health issues, but actually it was for anyone who felt uncomfortable going out walking in nature alone for whatever the reason. More often than not, I walked alone, even though I felt shy about doing it, but I did it by the encouragement of Dr. Lukaszewicz and wanted to make him proud of me, if I did well. He made me want to do better. I craved his approval. His praise meant everything to me. If I disappointed him, or did anything that made him feel bad; I was devastated and was angry at myself.
The first four years of "the thing" I cried each day, several times a day.
I don't think I could live if he said I was a problem to him in front of me. I never meant to be. I had no idea. I had never known of a problem rising out of gifts of heartfelt gratitude before. When I told the deputy in jail who asked me why I was there said, "remind me not to give my doctor a gift again!"
It gave me such joy to see his happiness when he saw a gift I gave him. Nothing could be better than that feeling. He always made me so happy, I loved seeing him happy too.
This entire thing has me beaten up and gutted. I think a rough court session will do me in. I just cannot take it any longer. I truly feel like dying already. I don't deserve it. I gave gifts and I called to warn him of danger being possibly imminent. That does not deserve prison. Not one bit.
But, the people who made up a breast cancer diagnosis for me and had me so terrified that I took enormous amounts of supplements such as Vit. C and ALA and other things, so much so, that I now have a persistent kidney problem, should be prosecuted. I was hounded to come and have breast surgery after having been tortured by Dr. Moon who wanted to impart a vile and cruel message to me, which was obviously from Dr. Moayeri (from what was said) while waving a long needle threatenly past my eyes and then roughly removing 5 core biopsy breast samples from one breast and then wound it all up with a mammogram pressing on that profusely bleeding breast, creating a tsunami of blood to the floor. It made a large red lake on the linoleum. My MS, rarely a problem, but this time (and when I went to jail), I got such a dizzy spell, that I started to lose my balance and began to fall. A very attentive assistant caught me before I could hit the floor.
I was quickly called on a Monday after Friday, and was told I had a serious breast cancer of a 2.5 centimeters size and had to decide what to do. They even had my Obgyn call me and yell at me, "YOU'RE GONNA' DIE, YOU'RE GONNA' DIE!" It was odd, because he had just recently given me an exam, but found nothing! I was told I could take a med while I waited for surgery. It gave me terrible menopause symptoms. It was awful. Then my hair began falling out in chunks. I had a breast cancer expert give me an exam. She said, "you don't have breast cancer, and you certainly do not have a 2.5 centimeter tumor." I had told the surgeon, Dr. Romero, prior to seeing the breast cancer specialist, that I would only have surgery, if Dr. Lukaszewicz could observe. He is the only person I trust with every facet of my life, (which is why I had given him my Power of Attorney over every aspect of my life and put him in my will) I said that I would be able to speak with him in July (12). (After the false restraining order was over. But Mr. Guasco caught wind of it (actually a part of the plan) and told Dr. Lukaszewicz's office that I could not speak with him, because I had a restraining order against me. The court had already told me there was no restraining order against me. Mr. Guasco was so desperate to keep me from speaking with Dr. Lukaszewicz that he lied and said I was restrained already, but I was not. Mr. Guasco has run each restraining order the same way, with lies and forgeries and cruel behavior toward me. It was obvious who was the sponsor of the R.O.s. from A-Z He even told me that he was happy he got me jailed. I would love to return the favor. I was treated terribly during the entire time. No one ever spoke with me, they yelled at me. The Judge called me a stalker, cleared the courtroom and reamed me out so badly, I fainted. She said ugly things to me and I could not understand why. They messed with my HOA and must have said ugly lies about me. They kept harassing me and finding reasons to charge me extra money and threaten my security there. "Someone" came into my home and destroyed an antique tea set given to me by Nan Wood Graham, sister of Grand Wood and model for American Gothic. I believe it was destroyed because I had given a cup and saucer from the set to Dt. Lukaszewicz, as a thank you gift for his kindness toward me. The HOA also towed away my older cars and since I could not afford to get them, or even one out, I lost them. My Range Rover had been basically from my deceased husband and it had quite a few items in it that I was trying to figure out where to put them, since my new home is much smaller than my last. So many things were done to me and I know it was Mr. Guasco and Marija M. Petrovic who did a lot of things to make life more of a turmoil and to push me toward my taking my life. I believe that was always the goal. It seemed like nothing less than death was acceptable.
So, when I should have been able to speak with Dr. Lukaszewicz about observing breast cancer surgery, Mr. Guasco lied to all involved and said I was already restrained, then he hit me with another restraining order for basically existing and breathing! I did NOTHING WRONG! I was NOT restrained at the time I called Dr. Lukaszewicz's office to ask for help to stay safe during surgery, as I did for the gallbladder surgery. (I did not know at the time that I did NOT have breast cancer and did NOT need surgery!) So, since Guasco is being paid to keep me restrained,by Dr. Moayeri, he is highly motivated, (not to mention the implications of his forging Dr. Lukaszewicz's signature frequently.) He told Judge Foiles to bump up the offered 3 year restraining order to 5 years. No reason given except, "past behavior" Guasco said. Then, Judge Foiles said, "you will get a fair trial with the DA. That was just as baffling and angering. I have been in torment and despair for over 6 years, merely because a woman who was afraid of losing an income wanted me out of the way, plus I am a scapegoat for future purpose. Mr. Guasco already blamed me for Dr. Lukaszewicz looking unusually thin, when I had inquired if he had been ill.
I am tired of being treated like vermin, when I have done NOTHING WRONG! I do NOT hurt people, nor am I untoward! I gave a few gifts to express the gratitude I could not with words. I have an awe of Dr. Lukaszewicz and huge respect. I never would believe that he would ever be so cruel to give me a TRO, or R.O. He is too refined and elegant and spiritual to do such a crude, nasty thing as to give a TRO for receiving thank you gifts, It would be like kicking Santa in the rear and telling him to F.O. and throw him in jail.
I never went to Dr. Lukaszewicz's office unless I had an appointment, nor ever his home, nor anywhere else he might have gone. I don't do that. I moved around 150 miles away on a treacherous drive on cliffs by the ocean. I have only gone to court or my occasional health appointment. I cannot go to Kaiser any longer, since it is obvious they want me dead to make Dr. Moayeri happy. Because of that behavior, she is not dealing with a full deck and is abusive from what the police officer said to me. It just added to my intense worry for Dr Lukaszewicz's safety. It has been sincere worry, not frivolous behavior.
I behaved with decorum and so did Dr. Lukaszewicz. If Dr. Moayeri had insecure issues, she should have worked it out and actually spoken with Dr. Lukaszewicz, but instead, she hired her psychiatrist friend to come and interrogate me for bits of information that could stir up her anger toward me. I was supposed to have confidentiality with the things I said to Marija Petrovic, but I did not. She betrayed me to Dr. Moayeri, which is the reason she came back to Kaiser SSF. Then she manipulated me toward killing myself.
When one has the type of espionage sneakiness and cruelty, to which I was subjected, one has to "up their game" or die. I was treated badly by many people at Kaiser SSF. It was awful, but I grew used to it. I just did not like nurses jabbing me with needles so hard that I actually saw lights in my eyes and terrible pain in my arms. I never saw such a large group of people who did not mind saying weird things to patients, or physically hurting them.
I told the surgeon, Dr. Romero that I do not have cancer, but she still has her office call to get me to come in. Why? So I can be poisoned, or put to sleep and killed? Why? Why do people have such strange dedication to a monster? I have never seen anyone other than Dr. Moayeri (or Trump) who has such a loyal following willing to harm people for her. It is scary. No one should be working in that snake pit! It is dangerous. People like Guasco and Moayeri dramatically lower standards. They need to stop, before they find their next victim....and they will!
Wednesday, February 17, 2021
Tuesday, February 16, 2021
H
I try so hard not to be hurt by the video, but it is difficult. You sounded like you really meant it. I have been in a weird mood ever since. Maybe you killed my feelings; I didn't know you could be so intentionally cruel. I guess you wanted to hurt me. I guess I am a fool. You don't need to be anyone to me, but it seemed so easy for you to run me down. I am so humiliated. I could never do that to you. I was trying to warn you at my peril, but all you could do was say cruel things about me. I would have looked straight into the camera and said, "I am being forced to say this by monsters. Arrest them. " "She has done nothing wrong!" If you want the abusive murdering bitch, who is stopping you?
I have done nothing but try and keep you safe, but instead they all think I am a stalker, who lives 150 miles away and never goes there and never did anything remotely like one. You made me sound like the office joke.
If you tell me that you are sorry and that you actually do like me, it will go a long way to making me feel better. You used to stand up for me and be kind to me. I probably won't die, but I sure feel like it. I am just so hurt.
Thank you. You are loved.
My text I will send
I saw the police video. Dr. Lukaszewicz threw in all the things Mr. Guasco forced Dr. L to say (those were Guasco's words, he said them to me himself before). What was left out of the message that was given to Dr. L, was quite significant, which was that I said in the message that I was calling because I was worried about the fact that his signature was being forged so much (aka identity theft) and that I was worried about what they might be planning. The time was getting shorter for the end of a R.O. which made me think they might soon take action. I knew they only restrained me to prevent me from helping him. I gave them my lie detection report. The wrong address was on the warrant, so it was ages before I even knew about it. I only found out about it, because a friend had her sister-in- law, a 🚓 police officer, look to see what was going on with some aspect with my court case. She inadvertantly came up with the current contempt charge. The last was made up by Edward Souza a security guard at Kaiser, which got me jailed. All I ever did was give my doctor a few gifts to thank him for doing so much to help my life be so much better and saved it at least 2 times. I figured he deserved at least what I gave him. It upset Dr. Moayeri. She got the freebie Kaiser attorney to give me a TRO under Dr. Lukaszewicz's name. Dr. Lukaszewicz was a pawn in it all. He refuted the R.O. in the court. Doubt if it was in the record, since Judge Novak struck most everything I said from the record. I never believed Dr. L gave me the R.O. and his signature was forged which invalidated it. I just thought Kaiser was punishing us for my giving him gifts. But, as it turned out it was Dr. Moayeri who did it with Guasco. Judge Livermore said it was "very well likely an invalid R.O.; I invite you to contest it." Mr. Guasco did a lot of lying and forging in my case. If the Defendant never believed in the validity of the R.O. there is no contempt. But as I mentioned, Mr. Guasco's lies and forgeries showed considerable contempt for the Court. Dr. Moayeri is still having the people at Kaiser trying to lure me in for surgery for the purposely faked breast cancer diagnosis to have me get surgery and then obviously kill, or maim me. An outside doctor who is a specialist in breast cancer said I do not have breast cancer and that a 2.5 centimeter tumor would be easily noticed. I was even given medication with awful side effects for over 3 months. My hair began to fall out too. I have a letter from Kaiser saying I have cancer. I don't. Dr. Moayeri is a criminal,attempted murder, and Guasco is her accomplice as well as participating Kaiser doctors. I filed a PD report. She needs to be prosecuted as does Mr Guasco. Then I plan to sue civilly. False restraining order, false imprisonment, attempted murder, etc.
They
I just keep the nice times in my mind, but remember the bad ones to stay alert. The thing is, it was all inflicted on us both. Instigators bother me. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Little things
I long for a normal conversation and not having people want to lure me to my death. You know, the "little things!"
Flight
I just like things to be nice. I do not like chaos, or turmoil. Some people thrive on it....no pun intended, or .....? Nice isn't boring, it is relaxing. I know that walking a tightrope all of the time keeps one on their toes, but I think it is a waste of energy. Being in a "fight, or flight" mode frequently must be aging.
Bee Line
Really, all I want to do is forget all this crap ever happened, and be "normal." I suppose I would make a bit of a research "spy" but I could never interrogate anyone with hot lights, whips, and some kind of deprivation tools. My empathy would not allow it. I was a paralegal and law librarian, so I enjoy research and finding answers. My downfall, as I have mentioned is things not making sense. It drives me crazy, also, even worse, is thinking someone, or some thing is suffering. I worry when it is cold about how the seagulls are doing because I saw one shivering one time. I keep thinking I wish I could make a warm shelter for them. I know, they are in nature, but these guys have become friends, of a sort. I love it when I can yell out, "Buddy!" and I see it making a bee line for my deck. It is amazing feeling getting through to a wild animal; wish it were as easy with people! :-)
Pure
You have stood by me and I have stood by you. I think it is a very good and solid, loyal bond, based on pure caring. I love that! I would love it to continue in person.
Tantamount
I loved it when you put your hand on mine. It was all I needed to feel so special and wonderful.
They wanted time and other things to kill any friendship. That awful, weird and immature security guard who was stalking you and made you sound like a bargain basement item, was always harassing me and yelling at me and said he saw you first, was made into a permanent employee after he lied in court and said I had contempt charges. That is why I went to jail. You know this thing was all a set-up. Your gravitas would help free me, unless you don't want to. But, there is no reason to not let me go. I would never go anywhere I was not wanted. I want to see my mother w/o this thing hanging over my head. You know all the crap that has been said and done against me is false, right? You know the truth.
Will you give me a chance to be your friend and to know you again? That is what you asked me the last day I saw you, to be your friend. I believe in you and what you say. (You were so sweet to me.) If not, that is it. I guess. 5+ years with you at the center of my mind, gone. They wanted us to forget each other. I have not, have you forgotten me? I know you have been treated badly and all that comes to my mind is, "I want to take care of him and care for him." You have done it for me over the years as a friend. It was above and beyond duty. Everything you did for me and the kind way you treated me as well as your fascinating personality, made me love you.
You know I did not deserve the cruel things said on the video. It is not nice, but did you know it is illegal to lie to police? (If that man was real police.) That VM was not complete. It was only a part. That attorney knows, but still set you up to deliver false evidence. I called to tell about all the forgeries of your signature they were doing. I was afraid they would sign away your belongings and then kill you. So, giving only a part of the message is tantamount to a lie.
Please stand up to them. I will too and keep you safe. I would do anything to keep you safe and happy. Will you allow me to know you again?
This
It had to be a bad threat for you to say such things about me. But, you are under a microscope. I don't think you had a choice I know someone hears them first. It was pretty convincing.
I have been through a lot, you have been through a lot. People with agendas were at the helm of this. a friendship barely had a chance. She is abusive,from what I heard (and experienced) I was worried about you, but I and the one who gets the legal abuse. I struggled about have a check done, but I was encouraged by the PD because I was told you had been abused by her. Is that true?
(You did sound frightened on the phone, how did you expect me to react?) As much as I care about you, could I just hope that you were okay? Would you want a friend who didn't care how you were doing? May I love you and care how you are doing?
Forever
You seemed so disgusted by me in the video. I don't have the heart to do anything to fight for myself any longer. If you want me to go to prison, I will. Will that make your life easier, or better? I guess I don't make life better for anyone, especially someone so important to me. I am very sad. My life was meant to protect you. I promised to take care of you, but it was my treat.
You made my life liveable.
You tell the Court/DA, what you want and I will do it. Hearing you mock my caring hit me very hard.
I barely have the heart to do anything. I have lost my will, but I will love you forever anyway.
I am too
I know that was a long time ago for the video, but seeing someone for whom you have the highest regard just reaming you out and repeating the lie and the awful things, was pretty devastating. It changes nothing about the way I feel about him, but I do feel broken even further. I expected to be attacked by the enemy, but it was unexpected having it come from the one for whom whom I felt such reverence, that laid the lowest blow.
My sheer terror I had felt for him and his safety has been at the forefront of my life for all those years. As long as he is safe and happy, then I am too.
I will love you until I no longer have life in me and I believe that some form of life goes on into eternity.
Please trust that I do not need a restraining order to respect your wishes. All I have for you IS respect. You saved my life many times over. I am forever in your debt and at your call in need. I will never deny you when you ask.
Please remove the impediments from me and I will only be seen, or heard from if you desire. I don't care what others think about me. You and I know what is true.
Monday, February 15, 2021
Saturday, February 13, 2021
Enough
It would be nice to have love and support, or even just support. I was forced into this. I was a scapegoat! They wanted me to take the blame when they kill you. Now what are they going to do? They knew I would protect you with my life. That is no small thing, but I guess it isn't enough.
Monday, February 8, 2021
devoted
Not certain if leaving something w/o a number is good, or bad. I guess I will find out. My life has not been filled with good surprises, though. I was just saying I am devoted to your well-being.
It just seems natural to me to do so for you. You always did so for me and not just as a job. I know that. My heart knows that.
Sunday, February 7, 2021
Saturday, February 6, 2021
Miss
You know how much I have missed you. You must. I can't keep it to myself now. Not entirely anyway. I do what I must. I feel closer to you now. It is lovely. I am overjoyed. I feel like crying. I am not sure why.
Love.
Friday, February 5, 2021
Dig
Watching a movie called, "The Dig". Pre-WWII England. It looks like a quality film. It reminds me of the "Sherlock Holmes" type movie that was set in around the same era. It feels comfortable, familiar somehow. Nothing flashy, but elegantly done. Ancient areas to excavate on a woman's property to seek buried treasure. There was already a collapse.
Very tastefully done.
Sugar free
Had to look for laughs after the serious Bill Maher show. Jim Gaffigan is the easiest to find. I needed to cleanse the palate of scary scenarios. That is when I get the urge to buy an RV and go into the wild. I do anyway.
I am just praying Trump goes to prison and he will fade away. The weirdos need to stop spreading their frightening beliefs. If someone wants to believe something, fine, but don't force it on anyone else. Why do people have to share everything and make lists of targets to kill? Isn't that a rather tedious, mean life to live? I am rather attached to the simple life. I am not into making life more terrorizing. Love, laughing and learn is a nice life to live (I know, sounds like pillow embroidery).
I am going to find a sugar free dessert. I love to have oranges, but chocolate is nice too. I have some sugar free pudding.
Friday
I ended up making a Monte Cristo. That was my dinner and lunch, so I am fine with it. I will make a blender nutrient shake for later.
Super bowl this weekend. I am completely uninterested. Maybe just to see if Tom Brady's arm flies off with the football attached.
Now, I am going to be worried about repeating myself.....nah! I talk or communicate with so few people, chances are 50/50 I will repeat myself, but I figure if I give it some unique stylish flourishes, it is practically new.
I keep seeing so many versions of lobster that I am nearly ready to indulge, except that I am deadly allergic. If I wanted to kill myself, lobster thermidor here I come! (Of course, not a good way to go; the symptoms. Nasty!)
Anywhoo, it's Friday once again! (Or as I call it, "day.") It has to be nice to get away from a hotbed of virus whenever possible.
The situation
I feel so much better, it is making me feel a bit giddy. I inadvertently started the DVD player, so I just let, "You've got Mail" play again. This is our version of it, I think, anyway.
I have decided that you manage to point out to me in a subtle way, "I answered that already!" Yes, I am insecure, but I have been through a lot, so there is a history of disappointment (not you, the situation).
Can't figure out what to make for dinner. What did you make?
I poured 1/3 glass of red wine. It is making me feel warm and weak in the arms. Relaxed. Maybe a sandwich? I started hard cooking some eggs. There is a whole chicken, but too long to cook, even for a half.
Feeling better
How can I explain it? I was feeling at death's door, ready to be escorted in, and I told you I was sick, and voila! Feeling so much better! All I can say is.....thanks? I mean, it was weird!
You are adorable!
Stone
I bought this stone and want to make a necklace from it and sell it for a nice price and make a profit. We shall see.
👓
I bought some new glasses. The online place, Zenni, is so inexpensive that one can get many pair w/o a big expense. The ones I just ordered were the basics, except for a secret engraving on the inside arm. :-) The total was less than $17 and my Rx is just called "Blind!" :-) One would not expect a major Rx like that to be so inexpensive. 👓
(I love your beautiful eyes! Had to say it!)
Thursday, February 4, 2021
Joy
Will you be there and free me? I want to see you more than anything. I want to be able to see you, if it is okay with you. You are my absolute joy.
No one but you
How are you doing, dear one? I think of you cooking your dinner and relaxing for a while after a long day of work.
You know, I wanted a place to put ancestor stuff and left it visible, but I said that they probably had interest only to me, because I did not want you to feel obligated to look at them. But, as a matter of fact, no one else would make me happier to have look at them. You are as important to me as anyone, including family. I wanted you to see that several of my ancestors were also from Poland, including my great aunt who was a princess. I was happy to know that, since I admire you so much. I realized that I could have been more offensive than letting you feel off the hook. I would rather share everything important to me, with you, than anyone. After all, who do I want to behold when I die, other than you? No one.
Collection
I have decided that I am going to have a new hobby/collection of Czech glass buttons. They are so beautiful and so inexpensive! I think they would look lovely on a velvet jacket, or a nice silk blouse. Whichever, they are a nice things to collect! The P.O. lost the last ones I bought, but will keep endeavoring.
All's good
My mother wrote to me a very nice letter!!!!
She said thank you for the food and that she had fun opening up the boxes! She kindly added that it was enough for now. She said it would take a long time to go through it all. She said she could open up a grocery store. Good! I may send some of the Turkish date candies she likes, but I will wait a bit. I also have a box of dates I was sending to her, but I guess I will wait on those too. Phew, dodged a bullet!
Yay! I got an amethyst cross for her, so I will get a silver chain and send it to her. I think she will like it.
All good!........
Cold
I know I have some kidney issues. I am still having pain after I overdid it when I was taking vit. C when I was told I had breast cancer. Instead, I suddenly ended up with pain in the abdomen and back, etc. Those people had me trapped. I could not pull myself away entirely from the idea, but I could not trust them to do surgery on me. I needed support, but the moment I could have had it, I was hit with another false R.O. That means he (the "attorney") knew it was a false diagnosis and did not have to worry about my not getting surgery, or (even worse) he had no idea if I had cancer, or nor, but was willing to gamble with my life and gave me another false R.O. to keep me from getting support from the only person I could trust. Either way, he was hoping one of the scenarios would end in my death to make his real client happy. They are both cold blooded murders.
Just
I keep wondering if the Right Wingers actually believe the crap that comes spewing out of their mouths? It is just outrageous!
Cameras
You know, had there been cameras in the courtrooms, none of the crap could have taken place. Everything was so blatant, but who's to tell?
Warped
Hi! I hope you had a nice lunch! I just got finished screwing around with the Internet service. They had everything screwed up, so it took too much time to get it all worked out. (Yes, fascinating life!) I tried to find another service, but I kept getting a notice saying they don't operate here. I should be eternally sitting and staring at the ocean and solving the problems of the world. (Hell, I can't even solve my own!)
I never hear back from "my" attorney. I beg, threaten, entice, nothing. He is going to end up getting me executed. That would be par for the course! I keep getting calls from the Surgery Center. It is like the sharks smell blood and are circling. They really do not want me to make it to the Court. "Can I get a witness?" :-)
I will have another hotel for the event. I do not know why they must make "it" so early, or more specifically, why I end up with the early times. It must be some weird cosmic retribution; the people who hate early, always get early times for various cruel occasions in their lives. It is like having a bucket of ice water dumped over the head along with a vicious beating. Much more festive that way, I guess. I am more of a "still up" kind of a person, rather than a "someone rising gloriously at dawn", sadist. I suppose as my brain errods, sleep will be a thing of the past. It will be a matter of having a jelly fish in an aquarium, only one that cannot pick sports winners, or whatever freak thing they do. (Maybe it was an octopuspus)
Hoping to have a burrito for breakfast/lunch/dinner.
I am going to get back to selling Buddha heads (Sell? Ha, I kept giving them away!) I was also approached to make earrings for a high school friend who has a coffee plantation/roasting place in Hawaii. She asked me to come up with several coffee inspired earrings and send them to her. She wanted two doz. I made them, sent them, and she never paid. She said they were just samples and that was all. I had bought all kinds of supplies, found out they make coffee bean charms and got bunches of them and researched Hawaiian flowers and got small plastic replicas for the earrings. I had a deadline and worked like a beast to send them in time. They were adorable! (I have good taste) I guess she copied my designs and had workers make them and sold the ones I made. She basically took advantage and did not mind trashing our hs friendship to do it. Oh well, some people never seem to disappoint in disappointment!
Sometimes I try and think like John Irving, and picture how he would write something. No one is like him. He has a wonderful style. It rolls out so naturally sounding, but with a unique warpedness about it. Twisted. Great.
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