World

 I truly hate myself at times. I know when I can understand things are okay and can actually communicate with people and it doesn't feel like a weird fantasy world where I never truly hear back from anyone. I never say anything bad about you, just about bad people who have hurt you and deserve punishment because of it. I stand up for you; I do not say bad about you. Please don't lose me to a misunderstanding, especially one that was well intentioned. I have lost a bit of perspective, I guess. I figured help was being sought from me. I care so much about you; I want you to have justice. I am sorry if I was wrong. You are not the bad guy, you are the victim, so am I. I should never been thrust into this situation. I have not been able to speak entirely honestly to my mother, or my son. I have seen the look of disdain in his eyes and worse, shame and his lady, who I think of as my daughter-in-law doesn't want to see me, or have anything to do with me. What did I do to deserve that? Nothing, but my hate is not for you; it is for "her". What she has done shows what kind of monster she is. It needs to be known by those who are going to punish her. I am, though perhaps wrong in aspects of my judgment. It doesn't all seem real most of the time, since I just talk to myself. This is all a nightmare. I just wanted to make you happy, but I guess I failed. I suppose now I will lose you, but I don't want to. I want to love you forever and make life lovely for you. I have been reviled and been hated by those I don't care about. You are the only one who matters to me. If you hate me, then I do too. My life is barely worth living anyway. You are the only part of my life that created pure joy for me. Your name will be on my lips when I pass to the next world.