A few copied items I wrote

 For You:

Haviva von Martinitz

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~"Stay"
"You feel so like home", I softly said
But now you live inside my head
I have no comfort, no solace, no love
I only may pray to the spirit above

You took a sad widow and brought her around
She loved to take walks on your sacred ground
She had a big heart for all that she found
But you in her soul was something profound

I cannot deny you transformed me completely
You gave me your time, and you did it so sweetly
My intimate feelings I held most discreetly
I kept them from view and buried them deeply

I never lost faith that I'd see you some day
I dreamed and I hoped that I might hear you say,
"I felt so alone with you far away
You feel so like home and I want you to stay."
~Haviva

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  I mean this with everything in me.

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  Aug 3, 2017

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  Haviva von Martinitz

  I will always be grateful that I was so blessed to have known you.

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  Aug 3, 2017

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Haviva von Martinitz

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3w

Love's Struggles~
Oh to hear your voice in a whispered delicate ear
The breath of love so warmly floating
invokes a passion that's expressively clear
A heart torn into a prize work of art
overcomes the degree of a difficult start

To celebrate life is to run far from death
I'll live for your devotion with my last
sacred breath
You made beauty of my aching
wretched sad soul
A mere smile from your lips
so dearly divine,
stole away a pure heart
that once had been mine

I love you completely
so fully and raw
Expressing my feelings caused
inhibitions
to thaw

Am I to blame for emotions sent
from
Heavenly angels
of deep caring and love?
They planted the seed to be mystically
blessed
from above.

No longer I fear the threat to survival
I've lived through the worst since the Devil's
arrival
He wore various masks not one of them
pleasant or even alluring
But your kindness and sweet acts were
to me
divinely assuring.

I love your compassionate, lovely heart.

~Haviva

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5w

Lost Opportunities~
Gliding on the stars
overhead
are my prayers
with words
to you
I never said

The many opportunities
lost
bled my atrophied heart
to a
dangerous
cost

I love you with
passion and
a barrage of desire
Nothing could
diminish
the wild flames
of that magical fire

The bleakest dark years
went crawling through a
mind numbing
past
Never did I think my
courage and waning
strength
could hold on so
tightly and manage
to last

~Haviva

(c) HVM 2019

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6w

Signs of Love~
The life of a poem comes only from you
The love must escape and create
something new
The soul can’t comprehend all the games
and each rule
It wants only to meld with your heart and
avoid what is cruel

Poetry expresses your life and the kind ways
of your gentle existence in all I have become
Without you I don’t know who I am or recall
where I am from
Life only started when I peered in your eyes
Now, spirited away, my heart barely tries

I remember each look, every small glance you
gave in my direction
All that remains now is my vivid power of
reflection
I fall asleep with the memory of your hand
on mine
‘twas just a mere moment, but such an
endearing sign.
~Haviva
© HVM 2019

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6w

My Life of Time~
There's something inside you
that touches my soul
It took my life's focus beyond all
control

It provides a great passion for
freedom from rules
Since those lording over
are nothing but fools

You have a restraint I admire
so much
tho' it leaves a heart aching
for your soft gentle touch

How can I exist through my
viable time
When I'm speciously blamed
of an inelegant crime?

You tried to teach
patience
while
I stumbled
ahead

"Time waits for no one"
is nervously said
It flows fast as water
until we are dead

I'll savor each precious
moment of you
of your infinite radiance
I never will tire

You'll be my warm light
'til the day
I expire.

~Haviva

(c) HVM 2019

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9w

Originally shared by Haviva von Martinitz

Incandescence of Love~
The fire in my heart has
you as its fuel
Not smoldering embers
or a glistening jewel

Flames burning with
passion in a pool of
life's essence
Evokes even the shyest
to a raging tumescence

A soul in distress is never
at peace
without its true love to find
a release

Night is a turmoil
Day a long trial
Forever in agony
without your sweet
smile
~Haviva

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11w

Originally shared by Haviva von Martinitz

My Love is Yours~
I love you for who you are.
Always.
Unconditionally.
I don't care how
someone is decorated.
I love the person
Gender is
unimportant
to me.
Please believe me.
It is
your
beautiful heart
mind
and
soul
I adore.
Your words
and
what shone from
your eyes
and
your sweet smile
that took
my
heart away
and
gave it
to
you.

Forever.

~Haviva

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12w

Please?

Originally shared by Haviva von Martinitz

What do you think? https://pin.it/3by57jnboxu4mo

It can be hard not to blame ourselves for the things that go wrong or the ways we're let down. | Deep | Pinterest | Quotes, Inspirational Quotes and Love Quotes

pinterest.com

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14w

All I Want is Your Happiness~
My dearest darling heart
I know you have had some
hard times
difficult losses
and fears and sadness
My most painful regrets
were that I didn't know
everything
I couldn't be there
for you
like you always
were for me
My beloved friend
Let me make up for lost
Love and compassion
My heart leaps at the sheer
thought of
You
It is a dance of joy
measured by a cruel
cuff
I would endure anything
for you
delight of my
soul
The gentle touch of your
hand
put me into
Heaven
The twitch of a finger
plunged me into a
Hell of despair
You feel like my
extension
But I pray to God
and His
Angels
You stay safe
and very well
Because
I am
Not.
Love Always,

~Haviva

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14w

Tender Rest~
My dream of holding your hand
seems small
yet so lovely in its
tenderness and intention
making breath scarce and
pulse race

The feelings transmitted by a gentle
shy touch and
conspicuous increase
share
an intimacy previously
hidden
in the soul

What was meant as
a sweet secret
of
one,
became as transparent as
the spoken word

Love fights to assert itself
to be
respected
as a divine gift
of mystery
and blissful joy
yet revealing an occasional
glimpse
of pain
in the midst of
Paradise

The freedom I felt
with love as my companion
gave me the ability to soar above
the bleak
unwelcome
reality that pushed its
insistent
and obtrusive way into
my reverie
dimming its ethereal glow
and
obstructing my synonymous
view
of heaven
and your dear face.

I have been dead
and I long for the day when
reality takes
a permanent holiday
allowing honesty
devotion and love
to again take center stage
with
my hand resting
tenderly
in yours.

~Haviva


(c) HVM 2018

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15w

Past to Future~
Eviscerate my heart
plunge deeply into
my trembling soul
The bits and pieces
left of me
still want you in control

I've been ripped and ravaged
so many times of past
If they thought they'd beat
true love from me
their strength would
never last

From lands of noble ancestors
who bled their courage
down to me
I sanctify their grace and faith
that gives such rightful purity

Listen to the inner thoughts
of those who rise from dark
obscurity
They too have wings that give
great hope
to passion struck futurity

The crimes of gratitude
and admiration
fell harshly at my feet

The pallid putrid personage
so ascribed authority
exudes repugnant foul deceit
is neither decent nor majority

To see that nasty sordid man
obscured and never
speak another word
would be the greatest silence
a man had ever heard

My fate is cast with you at last
the bearer of my ardor
and devotion

I want to look upon his face
that stirs
my heart to love
and forever stops
my mind’s
commotion


I dream of that day...

Haviva~



© HVM 2018

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15w

Originally shared by Haviva von Martinitz

All I need to know...

Don't know much ( with lyrics ) - Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville.

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15w

Originally

Trust

I ended up sending my mother quite a bit of food, so that relieves me. I am just worried about her sending me a mean letter saying she is upset with me. I just don't want her to go out. Before she said to me, "I'll just go out and catch it and be done with it!" I said, "no, you will be dead!" She hung up on me. Being the messenger is never easy. I had to tell my friend's family about the seriousness of her cancer after her surgery, instead of being sad, they screamed at me and called me a liar. Her K doctor told me that I could tell her, or not, that she only had a short time to live, around 6 months, but that he wasn't going to do it. I told her a lie and said she could get better and that the colostomy could be reversed. She ended up living 2 more years. I told her so many encouraging lies, that I felt bad wondering if I was doing the right thing. I wrote to Linus Pauling and he sent a vit C protocol for her and I got her the best vit C possible. He invited me to come to his lab, but when I did, I was told he had to be away. One of his colleagues gave me a lecture about how vit C worked against cancer cells. But, my friend gave the vit C back to me. She said she only wanted to follow her doctor's treatment for her. That was frustrating. She had to go back into surgery and I asked if they could apply the chemo directly to the cancer during surgery. I was told they did. It is such a big responsibility to have that kind of weight on one's shoulders. When she had a 105 temp in the ER, a cruel doctor said to her, "if you have a heart attack do you want us to try and save you, because the cancer is going to kill you anyway." What a monster. I saw her lose any fight in her after that. She gave away her belongings and died. She put such trust in doctors, but he so casually ended her life with his careless, mean words. I thought about her today and thought about the abject cruelty some people have in them and destroy lives without a second thought. 

We must be strong and RESIST! Then, they need to be punished to never do it again.

Don't let bad people cut you down. Stay strong and tough. We are not going to let them take our lives to make their disgusting, greedy hearts happy.  Never let anything stop you from seeking help!  I wish I had not moved so far away. I did not want them to frame me. I figured that what I had to do was tell everyone what I thought they were doing. They could not harm you and then get away without suspicion. I so dearly hope that you gave a statement and are free; it just doesn't seem like it, unless you were told to keep the fake r.o. going. I am in such pain from it, I wish they did not do that. As I said, "many times mental pain is more harmful and painful than physical pain." It has been such Hell, I cannot bring myself to go back over it, but I must for these derranged court hearings. I am surprised that I haven't slapped that man. The worst part was seeing you degraded and used, with me as the reason it was being done. I would rather kill myself, but then, I would not be able to get through it and do anything to stop it. I decided that you knew I would help you, so you picked me to be a friend. I didn't mind. I was already in love and nothing was going to discourage me. I just needed to understand everything, while being bombarded with cruel and humiliating emails. I had to stay strong and have faith in you. I did and I do. As you once said to me, "you know me better than that" when I stupidly doubted you about something. Never again. My faith is strong and trust you will do the best for me....as I will for you.

Very much

Have a positive, safe day!

You are missed. 

Old emails

I love the old emails and they are just innocuous and nice, but they and thank you emails are what are needed to help my case. Would it be okay to use them to help myself? I would rather not, because they are innocent, but personal. That awful man wants people to think you disliked me and that I was bothersome to you. I would like to show I was not.

If you will stand up for me, then I won't need to share them. I deleted a lot of them, but that was before I copied them, I believe. I was trying to stop them from being a problem to you, but I found out I only deleted them from my own view.

Anyway, the more friendly they sound, the more it shows there was no animosity. I just don't understand where it gets (got?) that woman to do that prisoner crap.  How does that make someone want to stay in such a situation? I hope you really did get away. You need to be free.

I would sue the place that allowed this to happen to you and her and him, for the abuse. Did they figure they would rule your life forever? That is demonic!

So the question is would it be okay to use the emails to show friendliness? 

2, yes,  1, no. Even then, I may not understand. 

Stay safe. I know I would die if I got the virus. I wish I could see you again, in case I am dying sometime. I just want your face to be the last one I see before dying. I want to hold on to it through eternity. 

One

Don't ever feel alone, or sad. One word and I will be there.

Oh my

Is it okay for me to love you? I think if this hadn't happened we would still have been in nice shape as friends and a bit more, if we had been left alone. Please don't be stopped by false law. I want to do everything to make you happy, if allowed. If you don't care about me and you are free, please stop the entire thing and let me see you again to say good-bye. The stupid thing  is that I love you so much, I know it will hurt like Hell. But, I would never make a scene, I guess I have too much dignity for that.

As Dickens said, "you have been the last dream of my soul "

If you have no one, I would love to be your companion, your maid, your devoted servant, anyone. I sound as desperate as that woman, but she is not nice and hurts you. I never got a chance to see you without a spy in attendance. I was always treated so badly; I thought I could survive, though if you as my friend were there waiting at the end. This was the most difficult time of my life. Nothing good does this to a person. A sadist should not be in charge of people. Strange, how the thing that makes life a dream and floating on air, can make  life so agonizing too.

 All I can do is keep praying. 

While my heart and my head tell each other how much they love you.

A chance

Is it possible to have a chance to know you again? 

Matter

Sleep well! Holding you warmly in my heart. 

No matter what, I love you. 

Thanks for you, being you.

That!

 I would give anything to hold your hand. There is nothing I would not love about you. That is the truth, but then, why wouldn't I? I do feel romantic about you, but I would be your friend too. That jerk had to say ugly things. Why not just let people decide for themselves? He is not in charge of your life, but he thinks he is. I wonder how much he would like it done to him? He wrote that police report. He used language you would not use. He uses whatever negative language about me he can make up to give her a big thrill. I am not a cruel monster, like she is, so she can suck on that!  :-)

Choc syrup

I don't understand why I can go days with no pain on my right side and then it comes back hard, in the style of the stabbing scene from "Psycho!" Odd, huh?

Admire

I wish I were thin. I want to be as nice looking as possible. I remember when that awful MP said I embarrassed you. I knew she was lying, but just saying it hurt so deeply. I could never picture myself ever hurting you, or embarrassing you. Fat had to be what she meant. I do nothing much now really, but I would love to get out there and do a lot of exercise and feel better. I worked at exercising and starving myself so much, I was always on the brink of fainting. You cared. Simpler days. Anything you did meant so much to me. It still does. You are naturally caring. I really admire that about you. 

Fishing

My son wrote and said how much he liked the fishing pole set. He said he and his lady, Rocio, were going to go on a fishing picnic. That is very sweet. I love that idea. I would love to do that with someone too.  

Stay

 I feel sad, when I haven't connected.....

Think about all the lovely things you want to do and have to eat. Keep happiness in your head. That is what I try and do, but sometimes, sadness sneaks in. 

Spiritual

That man cannot miss an opportunity to speak lies for you and say cruel things and lies about me he called me CREEPY, yet he knows he made it all up against me. (That is CREEPY and ILLEGAL!) How does he justify it? He WILL go to prison. He is disgusting. You deserve so much better than this treatment. I always think of you as someone so elegant and princely (even better). You are someone of graceful, spiritual bearing and class. You deserve to be respected, not merely surviving under this demeaning crap! I hope they haven't broken your spirit. I hated seeing you so  thin and tired. I would make nice food for you (whatever you like, I would learn) and make you feel happy, loved and at peace.     

Only

 I don't understand. I never did. The only one I believed in was you. 

Number

Really? You don't want to see me again?  I don't understand. That is not consistent.  But then again, you don't seem to care about my system at all. If I saw a big number here, it would mean you do want to see me again. Please just give me some encouragement. I am very low.  

No desire

 If I am losing you, I won't have the desire to live. I worked so long and tirelessly to tell the truth to people, so they would free you, but I have not heard a word. Anyone I have contacted was only to try and get help for you. That is all. I am not like those people you are around. I have integrity and courage. I wish after all this time and ridiculousness, I could have some of it turned my way. That guy is a windbag. He is on his last legs. Stand up to them, get an attorney and help us both.  You can help me sue them, but they won't accept me as someone to help on my own. I have been blacklisted. I need to sue them for everything they have. They cannot keep going on thinking they are fine for what they have done to us both!

care

 I am so depressed.

Anyone care about how I feel?

Over

 This has been drawn out so long and I am in such pain; why isn't it over? 

Forever

 I hope that jerk attorney is in jail and so it is that violent woman. I will be a great witness. I am sure he will not do anything if his false laws are ignored. I think he thinks it has already happened. If he is away from you, get an attorney and a restraining order against them both! Keep them from ever being near you forever! 

Never him

You DO know that if you don't want to see me again, tell me. I would rather me know first, than that sleazy piece of shit, unethical asshole, joke of an attorney.. I would comply with you, never him.

I never say anything to him first, I merely respond and show my destain. That email he wrote was from before Christmas, but I only just saw it.

You know where I am if you ever want to see me.    I suppose you don't, but I hope.

Do you want to see me again?

1. No       2. Yes.

I changed it to be more clear. 

If you say no, please get the thing dropped and you will never have to worry about ever seeing me.

Implement

 I just think all of this is outrageous!  Each day I suffer over it. I know you do too. If we ignored their false law, we could be safe and then came up with a strategy of our own. All that has been done has been ILLEGAL!  If we showed our unity, we could stop them! Are they going to drag you away? If you think so, we need to implement my idea of joining forces legally. There is not a damn thing they could do to either of us!

Unto Others

 

Responsibilities

 What I did not say before is that no matter what my mother thinks of me, or I of her, I need to take care of her when the time comes that she cannot take care of herself. I will never relegate her to a home run by strangers who don't care about her. My son and I feel strongly about that, so we took care of both my great aunt and uncle in their home rather than send them off. I was always told that I would be given the house, but it was never a factor in what was going to happen to them. Neither my son nor I could bear the thought of sending them away, even when they were a great challenge to keep them in their home, but there was no way that was going to change anything. They deserved the comfort and secure feeling of being at home, with people who loved them.

Whatever I do in my life, my mother can rely on me to make her time of need safe and secure. It is like you said, "responsibilities."

Early thoughts

 I woke from my dog snoring, but usually I just smile and go back to sleep. It is actually comforting to have another living creature close by. Lately, though, I have a lot to think about and consider. I have suddenly realized that love is not easy. I remember when you  spoke about responsibilities. At that time, it seemed like an easy problem that could be solved by merely throwing money at it, but it is more. It is how much a person depends upon you in practical ways, but also in ways of comfort. My mother has never seemed as if she liked me all that much and when we had a falling out, it was easy on my mind to not have to deal with her, but now, she is older and I cannot do that any much longer. She lived for her husband and when he died I think it was a relief as much as it was utterly heartbreaking and devastating for her. Now, she wants to get out and live her remaining years with as much gusto as she can manage. Love is a strange thing. It can be for life as it can be for another person. It makes a person care about their welfare more than what makes the heart beat and the mind long for. I don't think I really love my mother, but there is an innate sense of responsibility to make sure she is happy in life, but also not feel alone and abandoned. I am trying to figure out what to do. I feel as if I wasted time that I could have done things not only to fulfill a "bucket list" of sorts, where I could have traveled, or whatever, but it makes me wonder if I could have done that and just forgotten someone I truly love, knowing there was something exceedingly wrong in their life. I understand that my devotion and my persistence in his welfare was what my life was supposed to be about, not doing frivolous things. It made me deeply understand what real responsibility was all about. I made a promise to someone who could not be here to do it herself. She knew my heart was pure and I think it put her mind to rest, knowing I would not give up. Maybe it sounds crazy, but it made me appreciate responsibility and what life is all about. It isn't about fun, it is about knowing that a cherished person, a good person, might have had it better, because you cared. Not a day has gone by that my heart didn't worry about you, or keep you in my immediate mind that knew something had to be done, but what? I knew I could never rest until you had a life that "ticked all the boxes" of satisfaction for you, but the added worry of why things didn't add up nagged at me. Someone who worked so hard to achieve greatness with an altruistic heart to help others, did not deserve a limited life, or to be treated like the lowest form of life and with no respect. It hurts to know you were treated not as precious and beloved, but merely a commodity, waiting to be cashed in. I am a part of the puzzle. I knew you were in trouble and in need. I wanted to do anything to give you any bit of happiness, or comfort and give you hope. I knew I had no right to love you, but I gave in because it felt so good. Even in my pain, the love sustained me. It isn't a right, it is the strength that keeps me going. I have been the lucky one to have been so blessed to have you occupy my heart and mind; the hurt, fear and despair were able to be a badge if honor, of sorts. Hurting for you has been my honor. It was my role, whether it was twisted by criminals, or not. Being even a small part of your life has been my honor and my role to make my life meaningful in the larger scope of it. I am so glad I was open to dedicate myself to it. I want to make certain you are well, safe and happy and I will be fulfilled. You have been the loveliest part of my life despite the terrible, cruel actions of those who want what you have and not who you are. Wow, are they ever crazy! They had an opportunity to know you and still could not see that you are what is valuable. Fools, is all I can say. But, I will fight with all my strength to keep you from being forever in their control and abused by them. I want to be there for you, should you ever want, or need. 

This was spontaneous, early morning true feelings and thoughts, with honest love. Be safe, well and blessed. 

L & R

I love you and I respect you. 

Always.

Beyond

There were off duty officers and military who were a part of the rioters. How awful! Trump has done terrible things to this nation! He used lies about the election to get people riled up with anger. It was disgusting and it is not over. He will never change. He is afraid of going to prison. He used the people who believed in him. Why did they believe in him? It is beyond me!

French Toast

I was thinking that French toast would be a nice dinner. I have some sugar free strawberry preserves that would go nicely with it. I was just watching a Martha Stewart video. She makes everything look so easy and beautiful. She has all the little conveniences that keep messes from happening. I have only recently discovered parchment paper, for goodness sakes! I finally made a very good chicken last night! I may have enough to boil the bones for soup. 

Now, there is a YouTube video of someone making Mozzarella cheese. I want to do that. I was mentioning how much I loved the Il Fornaio heirloom tomatoes and mozzarella cheese. It was their anniversary, so they added a free glass of bubbly! It was a lovely time!

How is your evening so far? Keeping you in my thoughts! 

Posted

 I posted the scary post on my FB page too. Oh, it showed up this time. It scares the crap outta me!

Scary post

 This scares the crap outta me! I sent a copy to Joe Biden on Twitter telling him this cannot happen. A nurse had found it and posted it questioning it.

I guess the image is not showing up. It is about Militia people joining forces on the 20th to attack Biden's inauguration. Shit !

What a place!

 I just saw that John Mayer (the singer) is my top follower on Twitter!

What a fun place! I also have Cory Booker, Al Franken, Yoko Ono as connections, etc, so I can send them private messages.

Fussy

 My dog woke me up by being fussy. She loves to make a mess when she can. (Yes, like people we hear about!)

There were many deer and other creatures to avoid on the drive back. They always seem like they have a death wish, or they were caught with a hooker deer in the headlights....

My dog fell asleep.

I am awake.

I hope you are doing well.

The K woman seemed almost threatening. "I am going to call you next week" as if she were a sales call trying to sell life insurance, or a computer repair policy coming out of India. Some guy called and said it was "a personal business matter", so I said, "you can shove your personal business matter up your ass, how's that?" I owe no one anything, so during hard times the desperate places come crawling out of the woodwork with bogus accounts with balances they pretend are owed. The worst are the ones who sound like they are on the verge of a court filing. God, people are strange. They try and make money by being slime. They might as well rob a bank.

Oh well, time to try and sleep again.

You are loved.

Sleep

I can hear the waves crashing on the shore, even over my sound machine. It must be getting wild outside. 

I hope I don't have to go through all the court stuff.  The next one is at 9 am. Do they not care how far I must go? So early. Obviously it is another hotel stay. Glad the hotels have lowered their prices, or it would be a snooze in the car. The jury might be bought. I want to have some say so on the jury. They may buy it. I probably don't have a snowball's chance in Hell.... I hope the PD gives your statement to the DA. 

I am tired. I keep getting a chill and the pain inside has returned.   I am very tired, I guess I will sleep now. I want an end to this thing.Good night.

I love you.

It has been such a long time of torment. She really feels justified by doing this and giving me a false breast cancer diagnosis, so I could be badly harmed during surgery, or killed.  People are so cold blooded.

A little

 I get really lonely for doing this, because it is the closest I have to you

I hope you miss me at least a little

Nothing better

 I could do anything with you and feel like nothing could ever be better.......!

Please!

 Please be free! Please be SAFE! Please be happy! Please be my dear FRIEND!

You are LOVED!

I WILL!

 Are you feeling okay? Just say the word.....I will be there! ❤💗💕💜💛💚💙💘💞

"You haven't seen the last of me"......Cher

You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me

Song by Cher

 Feeling broken

Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Diane Warren

You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me lyrics © BMG Rights Management

Trials

I hope this means I may see you soon. I hate trials.

Painful

Never has caring about someone been so difficult, but so worth it to my heart and soul.

I won't ever give up on him, but it has been very painful.

Feel

 The only one who can hurt me down to my soul, is you. My love will hold, but all it would do would be to make me feel like I wanted to die.

Away

Are you able to have privacy and be off to yourself? Don't talk to her, so she gets the idea that you won't be fun, nor pleasant nor helpful to be around. As I mentioned, narcissists hate to be ignored.

Did she get taken away? 1 yes. 2. No. 

DId

 Did you give a statement to the PD? 1 YES 2 NO.

Over

 Will my friend help me and get this to be over? 1 y.   2n. 

Veracity

If my friend lies at the court hearing, then there is no reason for me to do anything at all, but go to jail for 5 years. How can I fight the lies of someone who is listed as Plaintiff? They will put me in jail and fine me. And he will no longer be my friend, or considered nice by me. I would still love him, but I would also be angry at him for not being brave enough to help me and help himself. I could use truth again from him. I did not deserve to have this happen to me and he does not deserve to be held as a prisoner.

I need to know, if truth will present itself via my friend. 

Watching

 I fell asleep sitting on the couch while printing papers and watching government reporting on YouTube.

Enduring

I adore you.

You make life worth enduring, even just to see your sweet face once again.

Happen

 I want to hug you. 

I would never want to stop.

I know it would be the best thing 

that could ever happen to me.

Bath🐕

Finished giving my doggie a bath. She has a new thing she does recently. When she is tired of the bath, she begins whining, then ramps it up to a scream. It is terrifying! It sounds like a high pitched eagle scream. Just extremely disturbing! Wasn't able to get any toenails clipped, but I was shaken. I got some good things done in the kitchen, but a lot of water to dump. I like to give it back to the Earth and for flushing. Now, I have to find a clean T-shirt for her to hide her missing fur and so she doesn't scratch. Fun! :-)  

Light

 I have a million things to do and yet I sit writing my memoirs!  Yes, indolent. I always mean to pack like a Rick Steves' devotee, yet I always panic and grab everything, "just in case." I end up traveling "light." Ha! If I were going for a year, it would be light.....

Someday.....!

Who?

 My friend I spoke with the other day, was blown away when I told her that I went to the Pentagon Papers/Watergate hearing in Los Angeles. But she was blown out the door when I said that a bailiff took my arm and escorted me down the aisle of the courtroom and opened a gate and sat me right next to Patricia Ellsberg!(Daniel Ellsberg 's wife) She looked at me as if to say, "who the fuck are you?"

That mistake was not repeated, but the next time, I saw his daughter and I understood. She looked very much like me. What a hoot!  

Aya

 I keep thinking that when/if life goes back to normal and restaurants still survive, I want to go back to the The Vans, but I also am craving the heirloom tomatoes with mozzarella cheese "salad" at Il Fornaio. 

Don't miss out on Aya sushi restaurant. Their sushi is the best I have ever had. My palate is limited, but it is so good there! I have big piles of ginger with each piece and a small glob of wasabi....sometimes a bigger glob, if I want my nose cleared and my brain to blow out my ears.  

reclining

I seem frozen so much. I get into spurts of being industrious, followed by shameful bouts of what could only be described as indolence. I look at what needs to be done and my will goes on vacation with my strength. I think it is undiagnosed depression. There is so much to feel bad about. The weight of the world seems to be having a gathering on my mind and casually reclining on my shoulders. 

Reasonable

 That woman will not just be able to hide from this situation. I will carry it to the furthest degree, unless she speaks to me and they both drop the crap against me and let you go, but I still say that if we do not marry to protect each other, unless there is a better plan than that, it is all I can figure. It is nice for me to think about, but I don't think it is for you. I would like for you to be happy with the idea, but I have no idea. I think the call today, was trying to lure me in for harm. I have no idea what holds you back from leaving.

Do they use weapons, threats? I say, walk away and do not return. Go to the PD by car, or taxi. Give a report, at any PD. Are they telling people that you are crazy? They did me. MP loaded me up false mental diagnoses. I saw K has 66 doctor's at RW City with Covid. This is a dangerous time. Being held prisoner is not a nice addition. Any opportunity, go! Are you allowed money? If you need any for cab, I will pay it. I can pick you up tomorrow, or see you at the hotel.  Again, try and see if that woman can be reasonable. This will never go away. 

Missing

I spoke with a friend who seemed to be missing and a friend of hers got in contact with me and said her phone had been messing up. She hadn't gotten her phone messages. I was relieved. We spoke for 4 hours. It was a nice call.

I wish it had been with you. I miss you so much.

Hope

I was hoping to see you. They will just railroad me again.

Plans

If we cannot hire anyone, the other plans may need to be adopted. We cannot sit and wait for the bullet.

Eat

Rules/laws do not exist. This is is Guerrilla warfare!

Eat, or be eaten!

Miss

 I miss your sweet face.

Doggie

 Gave my doggie her bath and I also ended up a very wet mess!  I only ended up getting one of her toenails clipped. She began licking my hand which is a warning that biting will be next.

Rick Steves is in Prague, so I must listen. Someday, I would like to see it with my in-person eyes.

Living

 “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” – Steve Jobs

Anything

Your happiness is all that matters to me.

I will do anything to make your life better for you.

Whatever you desire.

I am forever devoted.

It would be my honor and joy

Help me help you.

I love you with all my heart and soul. 

I cannot face everything alone. I need your help.

 

St. Francis

 

Rick Steves'

 I enjoy watching the Rick Steves' shows, they make one feel positive and carefree. It is so informative and interesting. The show can go on for a long while. I like playing it while I am working in the kitchn. 

LB

Watching a Lewis Black special, "Thanks for Risking Your Life!". He has his F Bombs all polished up and ready to fly!  

PS. Not so great. He's lost his edge.

Hope

 I was up all night again. I have trouble not thinking. I often just fall asleep where I am sitting. It rained quite hard last night. I feel like baking something today. I like the ambiance and the smells. It warms the body and soul.

I believe things will get better and life will finally work out as it was meant.  Hope.

Always

Sending Love and Hugs! 

Georg Adam von Martinitz

Ancestor

 von Martinitz von Martinitz , Georg Adam

Out the window

 Defenestration of ancestor Jaroslav von Martinitz being lowered to the ground by angels 1618. Escaped to Austria.

Decency

 Decent people let other people live free lives and trust them to do their duties no matter where they live, or who else they know. No one has the legal, moral, or ethical right to prevent them from living a full, independent life. If they violate that part of human decency, they should and will be punished, severely. 

Soul searching

 

"Searching Soul"-
When you miss someone who is a part of you, you miss them with an ache that cries out so loudly and so deeply that it resonates and vibrates beyond the great grand design of the universe and into the eternal void of space, touching down in the very soul of God.

It is more than a prayer, it is a gut wrenching agony that has been emitted by human despair since the beginning of their existence. The loss of a beloved twists an invisible knife that plunges in more deeply as pain lingers on and leaves behind the ragged remains of a person who loved another with a passion so grand it consumed every waking thought and pierced the veil of ethereal dreams that visited during random fits of restless slumber.

Even the smallest fiber of your being reaches out instinctively seeking a place of tranquility and solace to soothe the lonely nothingness that has become your pathetic existence. It finds a temporary haven, a respite, but torment discovers your refuge and with the delight of a predatory demon, picks away at the raw edges of what still remains of your disintegrating psyche.

The Scream is a visual depiction of the chaos that takes over a taunted, and haunted mourner with cruelly induced bereavement of grief for one departed, but it too has been spirited away by those with selfish, greed driven desires.

You are gone from my vision, but never from the eye of my mind, nor the heart of my soul.
You are eternally loved.

-Haviva

(C) HVM (2018)

Merry

Merry Christmas! Have a beautiful Day!

 

🌞

 Have a lovely day!

Hurts

I am not certain how one is held a prisoner, if they go to work, home and walk freely at home. Is that the case? Is there a guard with a gun? Chains? Ropes? Electric shock collar?  I am trying to figure it out. If a person can just walk away.....then they should, just walk away. Drive away. Threats mean nothing, it is bluff. They are lies. No one can impede someone's progress. If a person can leave and they don't they are complicit and a part of the larger crime. How can I find freedom in that case, if someone just goes along? I figured before, it was just because it was within the actual building. If I try and make him innocent, they he will need to at least make an attempt at freedom, or calling the PD, or DA. I have been worried for years and base it on blind faith and trust. There will need to be an explanation as to how he was held. Why sometimes there was compliance, other times not. One is not to abide by the edict of criminals, even those who are employers, or their attorneys. They are doing criminal things. If someone does not attempt to get away, or at least help an innocent victim be free, they they themselves run the risk of incarceration themselves. Will they claim incompetence? If there isn't an attempt of some kind to garner freedom, then it is compliance. It breaks my heart, but what more can be done? He helped them put me into this position and while it does not matter to me; it leaves a big hole in the story. So, either call the DA and tell the truth and free me, or come to the hearing and help me. Run away, come here and we'll get them together and be protected. If no one is being harmed, just make them let up on me. The entire story makes no sense.  My love will never die and I want to be together and be caring and loving, if it is wanted, but it will all come to a legal head at some point soon and I want to understand. It is only fair. I never wanted anyone to be harmed, but they kept trying with me. I got a serious charge and it will bring everything to the forefront. How can one abide by what criminals say and not even try and help an innocent person? Nothing makes sense and it all hurts so much.       

"Primum non nocere....?"

 

Neurocrime~

"Call me again when you can,"

I said.

"I get no response when I talk in my head."

"The time has been long, the suffering great,
my anger builds up and burns into hate!"

"She took you away under pretenses false and
bought an attorney with too many faults."

"His skills as a lawyer were incredibly few,
he paid for his verdicts and bribed judges too."

"The medical healer who cut my life short,
thinks scalpels are daggers and murder's a sport.

She feels so entitled and believes she's a god,
she has no idea her behavior is odd."

"The lives she holds captive with threats and
abuse, have lived in sheer terror with
no sign of a truce."

"Her power and money can make her life easy,
while those she attacks have guts that stay queasy."

"The oath that she took to first do no harm,
was more of a challenge and less an alarm."

"The ethical world means nothing to her,
she makes her own rules that cause quite a stir."

"She ruins the lives of the fools she debates,
she thinks of herself as one of the greats."

"But as God is my witness, I can tell you that soon,
she will find that in prison, she'll sing a new tune!"

~Haviva

(C) 2020 HVM

Gristle

 Not only was my life disrupted, but it was done with sadistic glee. I have been stunned, humiliated, made into a pariah, removed from a person I considered to be a friend and did not have any alternative for the condition from which I suffered. 

I have been turned into a second class citizen and have suffered the indignity of being looked at as a criminal, when I was not, nor ever had been. The person who wanted me removed from my doctor's presence is all at once narcissistic, but insecure. She and her attorney did whatever they could to make my life miserable and difficult to remedy. 

They abused someone they thought might be mentally vulnerable and who might take their own life out of sadness, or exasperation. The psychiatrist that was a former Kaiser employee they brought back to get me as her patient, so that she could interrogate me and discover my feelings toward my doctor, then place many false diagnoses in my chart that could explain any number of things to which they could point and dismiss as being a mental deficiency, even if I were to be found dead.

A place such as a hospital is a perfect setting to create problems for a victim. Add in threat and duress and an immoral, devious attorney who would do whatever was needed to make his client happy and very grateful $. A place that has in an excess of 28 billion in the "kitty" has deep enough pockets to make every case victorious and leaving human carnage in its wake. They chew me up and spit me out as insignificant and disgusting as a piece of gristle in an otherwise decent steak. 

TBC*****

Matter

 Lives were taken hostage for the greed of two people (and their opportunistic helpers, MP, Mr. Ed, de Guzman). They had no concern for the harm they did. All that mattered and matters are their own desires. They went through so much planning and corruption and put two victims through so much pain and sadness for their OWN interests! They are not the only human beings that matter! 

And as common criminals, they matter less, by virtue of their own actions.

Talk

 Wish I could talk to you. 

Crystal

 

Does

 I know you. I love you. I don't care how much you had to help them hurt me. I want to share everything I have with you. I want to take care of you. I want what you want. I don't hurt. I am loyal. I am devoted. I pray for you each night. I don't keep prisoners. I wrote over 600 poems for you, that sprang out of missing you. I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever known, inside and out. I appreciate you. I respect you. I would die for you. I would give you my last kidney, or my last dollar. 

It isn't being needy, it is being in love.

Be well. I am basically finished explaining. I have to go to court alone and fight for my freedom. It is not right. I am also going to fight for your freedom, because that is what a friend does.

Like

 You are the only one who with one little number that can make me go to Heaven, or Hell. (And that means a worse Hell than I already reside in.)

I know you. You have compassion. Making me sad is like kicking the crutches out from under a crippled person. (In the neighborhood, anyway.) You aren't like that woman. I would never be in love with a monster like her.

Lack

 Please just tell me you will give me a chance and I can stop all my crazy. It is from a lack of communication.

Hope

 Please don't make me sad. I don't deserve it.

I know I sound like I am vulnerable today, because I am. My life has not been mine for a long time. It is these 4 walls and few contacts and hoping I still have my friend. I am at a distinct disadvantage.

I don't want to cry.  You have been all that has given me hope and a reason to feel happy.

Done

 Anything I have ever done was to help. 

Empathy

 Don't be upset with me, please, I also live in Hell. Empathy?

Clung

 I just want what you want, but I think I deserve to meet with you and find out if we could be friends. I have clung to that this entire time. 

Chow

 I had to put my dear sweet dog, Bear to sleep when he was so much in pain. It was the saddest thing I ever did. I watched his eyes close and felt so terrible leaving him at the vet's.

He was the most gentle and loving dog and he liked to ride the train heading to SF, if he managed to get out of the yard. People always brought him back. It was so funny. He was a red Chow Chow. I got him because he was neglected and chained to a tree in someone's yard. They said they did want him and I could just take him, but when they saw how much I liked him, they charged me $50.

It is how it goes with people, they don't care and are neglectful, until someone else appreciates them. (Or loves them) then they fight tooth and nail for them.  

Guess

 I guess I should not ask questions I am not certain about what the answers, or non answers mean. Messed up by my own system. Guess I was looking for a bit of happiness, but got more questions instead. That's life.....or mine anyway. I suppose it is like prayer, sometimes the answer is no. But it makes one sad. I know it was answered before, but I am always looking for a nice feeling in my days of despair. I waited, because I was asked. I trust.

Like the Coldplay song, "if you don't, then lie to me." I get that needy for a bright spot. My life has not been nice for a long while and I never did anything to deserve it.

I feel like a person in prison looking for a bit of hope, but getting the rug pulled out instead. Oh well. Crushing.