Early thoughts

 I woke from my dog snoring, but usually I just smile and go back to sleep. It is actually comforting to have another living creature close by. Lately, though, I have a lot to think about and consider. I have suddenly realized that love is not easy. I remember when you  spoke about responsibilities. At that time, it seemed like an easy problem that could be solved by merely throwing money at it, but it is more. It is how much a person depends upon you in practical ways, but also in ways of comfort. My mother has never seemed as if she liked me all that much and when we had a falling out, it was easy on my mind to not have to deal with her, but now, she is older and I cannot do that any much longer. She lived for her husband and when he died I think it was a relief as much as it was utterly heartbreaking and devastating for her. Now, she wants to get out and live her remaining years with as much gusto as she can manage. Love is a strange thing. It can be for life as it can be for another person. It makes a person care about their welfare more than what makes the heart beat and the mind long for. I don't think I really love my mother, but there is an innate sense of responsibility to make sure she is happy in life, but also not feel alone and abandoned. I am trying to figure out what to do. I feel as if I wasted time that I could have done things not only to fulfill a "bucket list" of sorts, where I could have traveled, or whatever, but it makes me wonder if I could have done that and just forgotten someone I truly love, knowing there was something exceedingly wrong in their life. I understand that my devotion and my persistence in his welfare was what my life was supposed to be about, not doing frivolous things. It made me deeply understand what real responsibility was all about. I made a promise to someone who could not be here to do it herself. She knew my heart was pure and I think it put her mind to rest, knowing I would not give up. Maybe it sounds crazy, but it made me appreciate responsibility and what life is all about. It isn't about fun, it is about knowing that a cherished person, a good person, might have had it better, because you cared. Not a day has gone by that my heart didn't worry about you, or keep you in my immediate mind that knew something had to be done, but what? I knew I could never rest until you had a life that "ticked all the boxes" of satisfaction for you, but the added worry of why things didn't add up nagged at me. Someone who worked so hard to achieve greatness with an altruistic heart to help others, did not deserve a limited life, or to be treated like the lowest form of life and with no respect. It hurts to know you were treated not as precious and beloved, but merely a commodity, waiting to be cashed in. I am a part of the puzzle. I knew you were in trouble and in need. I wanted to do anything to give you any bit of happiness, or comfort and give you hope. I knew I had no right to love you, but I gave in because it felt so good. Even in my pain, the love sustained me. It isn't a right, it is the strength that keeps me going. I have been the lucky one to have been so blessed to have you occupy my heart and mind; the hurt, fear and despair were able to be a badge if honor, of sorts. Hurting for you has been my honor. It was my role, whether it was twisted by criminals, or not. Being even a small part of your life has been my honor and my role to make my life meaningful in the larger scope of it. I am so glad I was open to dedicate myself to it. I want to make certain you are well, safe and happy and I will be fulfilled. You have been the loveliest part of my life despite the terrible, cruel actions of those who want what you have and not who you are. Wow, are they ever crazy! They had an opportunity to know you and still could not see that you are what is valuable. Fools, is all I can say. But, I will fight with all my strength to keep you from being forever in their control and abused by them. I want to be there for you, should you ever want, or need. 

This was spontaneous, early morning true feelings and thoughts, with honest love. Be safe, well and blessed.