I keep writing like I did when I used to write to you, because it hurts too much not to feel connected. I know I am a fool and writing to myself, but people need to get by in life the best way they can. I am doing that. I have to pretend, yes. Maybe I seem pathetic, but at least I am not a criminal like the people who did this to me. They are abusive, callous, greedy, uncaring, narcissistic MONSTERS!

I love you so very much!

I worry about you each day. Please stay very safe.

Guerneville Safeway has turkeys on sale for .49 per lb, so my renter is off to supply the house with food. Yay!

I feel guilty still eating turkey. Maybe it is why the turkey yelled at me that time! Also my parents owned a turkey ranch.... They (the turkeys) were frightening when I was a small child.

Have a nice lunch! Thinking of you! Sending love!

Probably the only eye exam I would need, would be
to see your sweet face.

I think that med makes me tired sometimes and I am too tired to get things done. I do what I can, but much still to do. It is frustrating. If I lose Internet, I can get it back Friday.
Never doubt you are loved very much.

I am so tired of being bombarded with bad news. My only happy thoughts are of you.

Decided to watch "The Healer" on Netflix , instead of Bolton's book; it was a much better choice!

Just started listening to Bolton's book on Audible.

Please don't let anyone treat you badly. You deserve only the best! That is how you always treated me.

Stay safe! (It is like a blessing.)
You are loved!

I would just love some lovely times with you and enjoy life.  It was even nice before the spies kicked in and made everything ugly, although I am sure short visits would not have been enough forever. I just enjoyed every bit of time with you, but it wasn't enough. I absorbed every word you said and was eager for more. It was above board, but the main spy played dirty and knew how I felt and caused trouble. I did nothing unethical, you did nothing unethical, but she DID! It wasn't about love for them, it was about money! That is so disgusting to keep a person as a human ATM and not allow them the freedom to enjoy life. I don't know everything, but it certainly seemed the way I say about it. The way it was handled was pure chicken shit! Such cowardly behavior I can never respect! Someone who thinks they are so tough and powerful cannot even fight their own battles and instead gets goons to beat up their "enemies" and then terrorize them in a medical setting too. That removes them of their rights, using underhanded, cruel behavior and makes them criminals! Guess they wanted me on their same gutter, criminal level, but that will never happen! I am innocent, they are criminal bullies!

I get so tired and frightened about the state of the planet, it is not allowing for much enjoyment of "now!" I think that people owe it to themselves to enjoy each other while they can, plus put in our part to help the planet. People don't need a ton of money to do it, just food, shelter, and lovely nature. I don't know, but what I do know is, life needs to be more enjoyable. Time is going by fast and I want to spend it in a loving and caring manner with someone I love. I am tired of complications. It is time to screw some of the rules and live freely. (I don't mean not do all possible to keep healthy.)  I guess all the gov crap, virus crap and rule crap, evil, mean people crap, is getting to me. Nice people should be in charge now!

I hope you are well today.

It felt like you knew from the beginning, that I loved you.

I would do anything for you. Never doubt that.

All I ever want to say is that I love and adore you.

You cannot imagine how awful it was to be treated like filth, to be dragged off to jail in handcuffs attached to a chain around my waist, to be fingerprinted and given a mug shot, had all my jewelry taken away, my clothes and given clothes that were 2 sizes too small, underwear with holes in them. It was freezing, blood on the floor, people could see if I used the facilities, so I had to put a blanket over myself. I was only encouraged when the female deputies brought me 3 books to read and I did. I got the message. It was nice.

It was all done to make me feel like the lowest of the low, so "she" could feel better about herself. How pathetic! They all wanted me to kill myself. They thought I had mental illnesses, because of that fake psy filling my chart with 5 false mental illnesses. Or, if one of them killed me and made it look like a suicide, they would point to the false mental illnesses. Well, I am not mentally ill. It was a stressful time, so with so many people screaming at me and frightening me, I still did not fall apart and now they think (or want me to think) I have breast cancer, so they can put me under the knife and kill me. I will not let them do anything. I will only let someone I trust do anything for me.
They did say my MS has gotten worse and my balance is somewhat worse, but that is all I have noticed.

That person behaves beyond the pale as a narcissist and is dangerous. All she understands is what she wants and will kill anyone who gets in her way (and maybe already has), period.

I do go through a lot of emotions. I go through the wringer. It is because I am not someone who wants to see anyone suffer, even if they have been mean to me, but then I resent that I suffer every day and they are all happy and carefree and getting their way and keeping a prisoner. I also wonder if I have something wrong like cancer. It worries me about that and hoping you are okay.  I think of you and feel all warm and melty inside and then sad, because you were the nicest part of life (and still are for my survival mentally). I never felt as close to anyone as you and I know I never will again. I would not even try to know anyone else. I just want you to live a free and happy life. It is your right. That person keeps attempting to terrorize me and make me think I might die should I submit to their treatment.  I think I have a right to tell my story, but I want you safe, first and foremost. You will be my last thought.

I read "F & Z" and think about you.

I wonder if I need an eye exam in July?

I would make you happy, VERY happy......!

All I can think is that life would be so much nicer with you. Just being able to look into your beautiful eyes would be a thrill.  I loved it when it was able to happen. I felt like every wonderful thing I ever had, or imagined, was there in your eyes. I could have looked into them forever and not missed anything else. I would do anything for you and take care of you forever. You did it for me too. It was a beautiful part of why I love you. Let me keep you happy and safe.

Missing you has just gotten more intense as time has gone by.

I am always here to give comfort and shelter. My love never fades nor gives up.

No obligation. I want to share what I have with you.

She needs to understand that attempted murder has no statute of limitations. And just because other people did the dirty work, doesn't mitigate the involvement of the person who did the hiring. I don't know how she ever thought she could just blame another person and never be found out. I guess that is what happens when others bow and scrape to her all of the
time. I will bet that if an investigation were done, it would be found that she has rid herself of someone else who has gotten in her way before. She is a monster. Live as a prisoner, or be free.

People who hurt others without regret do not deserve to live their lives without the truth about themselves told. I WILL tell it. They took my life and screwed it over without a moment's regret.

Don't worry, if you don't want to be my friend. Thinking that you did, got me through the terrible time. I always hoped, but never expected.

It has been helpful to not have the daily life to lead so I can feel like I am undoing some of the stress I was harboring. I cannot let my other worries get me too upset, because I have notified as many significant people as I can. But, I wake up so much in a panic. Often, I sit up in the dark, with my legs over the side and close my eyes and sometimes fall asleep. The news is disturbing, but I am drawn to watch, or read about it. Seeing innocent people dying is the worst. I cry for the cruelty against lovely people and I am upset with myself that I thought things were getting better. People doing no wrong getting squashed like bugs. It is hideous. Things pile up in my mind and it is too overwhelming.  It makes me want to run away. But I cannot. So,I sign every beneficial petition that comes along in an effort to help somehow and call and leave messages with political figures about what needs to be done.  Tough times. Much of the time I wonder how you are doing.  Sweet, gentle, kind you. I don't like how you have been treated. I would like to be there and stop any bullying. No one had the right to do all the strange things to you. I am angry. I hate feeling helpless, so I write and keep writing. Rest well.

Oh, I get so tired of this medication making me so hot and sweaty. During my attempt at sleeping I turn the fan on and off several times. I have no idea if the med is needed, ornot, but I cannot gamble with it. It just rounds off the (hopefully) end of the attacks. I do always wonder what is next. I am certain they would go along with it forever for my having the audacity to be grateful for the many kindnesses I received. No one cares. I have filed complaints many times to no avail. yes, I feel beaten to a pulp, but the thought of seeing you, lifts me to the sky. 

I would just like all the craziness over and be able to speak like mature, grown adults, if you agree to it. If not, I don't understand what all of this was about, except that person who does not want me alive and has been going to a lot of trouble to try and make it happen. I had to fight hard not to succumb to despair and the terrible attacks on me and now with the medical terrorizing and a scary diagnosis, but unable to trust them about it. People like that, organizing such terrible torments cannot be trusted at all. They seem insane. How can they live with themselves otherwise? It has to be a money reason, because love doesn't let you use, humiliate, frighten, or terrorize a loved one. I think that person is a criminal, but mentally deranged, but a court really needs to determine it. It can't be ignored, or your life will never be safe. Put together all the vicious attacks on me and it is amazing I am alive.

During it all, though, I felt an aura of caring and protection, that kept me going. I know it was from you and it made me love you even more. I cannot tell you how many times you brought me back and kept me alive. Also, being in love with you was the most amazing experience ever! Even now it is still the same way. It just feels natural to want to keep you safe. Pretending I write to you, has made me have the same closeness to you as ever and kept me feeling connected and from losing hope. You kept me going, because I have you in my heart and I so dearly want to see you again. 

When I am able to see you, may I hug you, please? You made such an impact on my life and my heart, I am feeling lost without seeing you for so long. Nothing has felt right.
I also need to always know that you are being treated well and loved. I ou. know I cannot expect you to care for me, as I do for you, but I wish I could always know you. I want to share anything I have with you. My joy would be to take care of you as you have done for me.
I worry that you aren't even free enough to go anywhere, but work.  But freedom is essential for happiness. I will never feel even close to feeling okay unless I know you are not in any danger.
I want to be your friend, yes. I would happy to know you for the rest of my life and longer.

I miss your cuteness and sweetness.....and a bit of mischievousness too! Will you return to see me?

Neurocrime~

"Call me again when you can,"

I said.

"I get no response when I talk in my head."

"The time has been long, the suffering great,
my anger builds up and burns into hate!"

"She took you away under pretenses false and
bought an attorney with too many faults."

"His skills as a lawyer were incredibly few,
he paid for his verdicts and bribed judges too."

"The medical healer who cut my life short,
thinks scalpels are daggers and murder's a sport.

She feels so entitled and believes she's a god,
she has no idea her behavior is odd."

"The lives she holds captive with threats and
abuse, have lived in sheer terror with
no sign of a truce."

"Her power and money can make her life easy,
while those she attacks have guts that stay queasy."

"The oath that she took to first do no harm,
was more of a challenge and less an alarm."

"The ethical world means nothing to her,
she makes her own rules that cause quite a stir."

"She ruins the lives of the fools she debates,
she thinks of herself as one of the greats."

"But as God is my witness, I can tell you that soon,
she will find that in prison, she'll sing a new tune!"

-Haviva

(C) 2020 HVM

I love you.

Sleep well, sweet one. In my dreams.

I hope you are okay.
Please get help, if you need. I wish I were still in my old home, closer, but I had no choice. Things were falling apart and I borrowed to fix them and with bad credit, I took crappy loans.
My relationship with the police, and city and county officials was tanked. I have no idea what was said about me, but the bad guys were "busy bees!" All I can think about is wanting to make sure you are safe.
That is what I pray for each night.
I also ask to have my love sent to you. 

I was watching a scary movie and it got me kind of nervous. Silly, huh?

I trust you more than anyone.

I still get breathless thinking about you.

I prayed for you earlier.

You are so very loved!

Every so often I get anxious and worried I have done something wrong, but I know I haven't. A lot of people have, though. THEY should feel bad, not me.

You have cared for so many others, it is your turn to be cared over.

I know that if we were able to talk, all would be well. You could not possibly be upset at someone who has been worried about you for so many years, could you? (And always loved you.)
Those cruel people who try and kill other people have no right to whine about their situation, or being caught! They don't give a crap about anyone, but themselves. They should not get a pass.

It is all foggy, foggy out! It would be fun to be at the lighthouse in the fog!

Ultimitelly, I would do what you requested.

I really don't care what I say about someone who is a monster. Staying silent is what gives them power to become mega monsters. If they are guilty of crimes, they should face the music. I went to jail and no one stopped it from happening and I did nothing wrong. Someone who did plenty wrong and has no regret, needs to face up to it. Even now I suffer going through the health scare. It isn't normal to put a person, anyone, through this crap , especially for 5 years. It is unconscionable! 

Just know you will never be alone and at the mercy of deranged people!  When a person is cut off from communication, all they can do is guess, but fear builds up, when you know bad people are at work doing their ugliest!

I care about you so much.

I am so teary today.

I just want to see you as soon as you decide I can. I am so eager to see you!

Be safe first and away from bad people and then relax and enjoy life. I know they wanted us to hate each other, but the more they tried, the more I worried and wanted to keep you safe. Many, many people have heard from me about it. I know that many thought I was wacky, but I am persistent. The various authorities know who did it, if the bad people try anything.

I just want ugliness to be over, so I can know you are always okay. It has been my awful worry.

I know that if you no longer existed, I could not find the strength to go on.

It has terrified me that you have been under the thumb of such dangerous, heartless people. Stay alert.

For over 5 years I have been treated like fair game, filth and lower than human. I have been screamed at and treated like a monster to be reviled. I had no voice, no rights, no respect and lived in fear that someone might try and kill me. No one spoke to me, they yelled at me. I was told I was hated, told that I was an embarrassment and reviled. I was treated like my name had been smeared and I was looked at with suspicion. The people who did this to me, covered every angle and had me smeared and blacklisted. The knew my every move and were one step ahead of me. They wanted me to be treated like dirt and unable to find help legally. I want to find out what was said about me to get such a reaction. I could find no attorney and one attorney, Charles Applegate, in Santa Rosa, essentially said that he would not let me hire him if I were the last person on Earth! Why?

The people doing this, the person who hired the people who did it to me and who was behind the attack on me by Dr. Moon, Dr. N. Moayeri, from her behavior, could only be called evil. She behaves like a Mafia criminal one hears about in movies! That person displays no sense of empathy! She seems to feel entitled to own people and has the power over life and death. Her lack of remorse for her actions is what makes her dangerous and the fact she is still working through other medical personnel to attack me and physically hurt me and mentally torment and make me feel that if I went for treatment, I could die. So, they told me I have "really, really bad breast cancer" and I need to have surgery, but tell me I can take a med and then sometime in July have surgery. Well, after I said that I hoped to have someone observe in July, suddenly the pressure was on by the female vascular surgeon, Dr. Romero, to have it done prior to July. There was no reason given, or new testing done, but one comment, "I'm not certain how long we can hold back the cancer with the Arimidex". It isn't a levee, it is an actual remedy. I feel as if I am being pressured to go in for surgery earlier than planned, because I said I might be able to have another surgeon observe the surgery in July. They seem to want to have something go wrong during surgery and either have me die, or become mentally /physically disabled. 

That surgeon told me, when I asked, that the cancer had been there 2-3 years. If that is true and it is only 2cm , then it is slow growing, so why would a few more weeks matter to wait until some time in July? Also, it still nags me that my gyn, Dr. Zuber found nothing unusual during his physical exam at all, yet the radiologist said it was "really, really bad!" That makes no sense! And prior, he had called me and raised his voice to me and said twice, "CANCER ISN'T PAINFUL!" I had gone in to see him because of breast pain, but then later in the month called me and said I needed biopsies because otherwise, "you're gonna DIE! Your're gonna DIE!" I feel so jerked around by those clowns, I have NO confidence in them! This isn't right!

I have been a tormented target of that cowardly, self-centered, narcissistic, twisted, greedy megalomaniac behaving, Dr. Moayeri, for over 5 years and thrown into jail, with worsened health as a result! I was an eggshell victim! That doctor and her plan assistants, are a danger to society! She does not know me, nor has ever spoken to me, yet she has used false law against me and made certain my personal life was sheer misery too. I did nothing wrong! It has been tantamount to attempted murder!

She unleashed her fury on an absolute stranger, who never did anything wrong, except in her twisted mind. This could happen to anyone else she decides is an annoyance to her! It is frightening to consider!

Cp

I would never make you feel frightened, or sad, or demeaned. You are my hero, my dream, my breath of life and desire. I will never let you down. I love you and respect you.

You will be my last thought.

Will the rest of my life be spent in tears, or forever cherishing someone I love above myself and anything else?

Each day, I hear bad news and I get so worried about how things are doing for the medical personnel.

I am ANGRY that this asshole president is putting our citizens in danger, but he is putting an incredible strain on our healthcare workers! I am sure they are feeling at a breaking point! Then that asshole wants to stop any funding to supply equipment to keep them safe!

I had to give my story to the authorities since that attorney got me a warrant for my arrest. I had to give my defense and evidence, I was not planning to go to jail for 5 years and pay tens of thousands in fines for an entirely made up legal case against me, merely because an insane woman has no self-esteem and is a controlling narcissist coward! I was trying to be kind, but "kind" ran
out of gas. I only care about truth and making sure everyone is safe! I am NOT bowing to a crazy, greedy, dangerous individual!

I need to always know you are okay. This country has become so dangerous.

It always gave me a thrill to see numbers, but I know it was pressure.

I would like us to fend together for safety, support and happiness and to show them they cannot manipulate people, use them and torment them! I want to show a unified force for the good and wellbeing of each other! NEVER should anyone harm either one of us again! I will gladly make that pledge to you! Cruelty should never have a place of strength again!

Of course, I worry about what I say. But when I feel weird pains and achiness, it tests my health resolve. Everything feels tentative, quicksand. I feel like something is always lurking in the shadows waiting to challenge, or strike. I know my decorum is not as present as I would like, but it seems to end up at bare knuckles at times.
I pray for strength and patience. I must, or else despair and fear will overrun my thoughts. I need to just be certain you are okay and the rest is out of my hands. Love is a constant and I will attempt to let it rule me in all things. It is lofty thinking, but I feel pretty helpless right now. "Be well" is not a casual wish, it is a desperate prayer for you first, and everyone else after. You are always my first concern. Love.

Emotionally rough today. Hope to do some housework. It is foggy and gloomy out. Usually that cheers me up. I like all the mystery in that way.🙃
I think all the presidential insanity gets me down somewhat. The Right Wing has decided to blame all their agenda on the Dems. My being
Green doesn't help make me feel apart from it all.
 It is a matter of good vs. evil. Nothing seems to bother me more than people lying to spin, because it is obvious mocking. I just want to scream at them, "WHERE IS YOUR INTEGRITY? YOUR SELF RESPECT?"
Anyway, it cannot help
but bring a person down.
It feels like gaslighting has been all that was thrown at me for the longest time. I held on with the truth as my guide. With love,loyalty and trust as my guides. It is hard to be an army of one, but I cannot be anything else. 

The breast pain is disconcerting.

Have a sweet day! Thinking of you!

I have missed him so much and such a lot of terrible was done to me under his name. That was wrong. That was illegal. I will do whatever he needs. They may want to hurt him to keep him quiet. That cannot happen. Of course, the DA already knows who, what and why. My friend can confirm it with the DA's office, if he wants and be completely safe. The attackers must have expected me to be dead by now. They had no "exit" plan and are left hanging with no protection. Witnesses. This last minute cancer surgery stuff MUST have been their opportunity to get rid of me through surgery.They have been so desperate. I don't think they will give up easily. They must have already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on this attack on me. They are not going to be gracious losers. He should call Inspector Decker at the DA's office, or write a letter, or contact the PD. When it is over and he is safe, I won't ask him about it, he would need to want to tell me.
Knowing him and picking up (or better) from where we left off is all I care about. They have robbed lives of quality time and I hope we will be able to make up for it, if it is agreeable with him. No one should have such worry, but how can anyone witness criminal activity like theirs and not be wondering what they had planned for a grand
finale if I didn't die?

Watching a YouTube video about building a loft bed in a tiny home. I had a loft put in, in the Millbrae house, with pull down stairs. The entire apartment was so nice. It had a new deck, black marble fireplace I had put in, new wood floor, marble shower and floor, closet with steps and a door as a wall, so it complied with city regulations of not having apartments, but another bedroom. The new owners ripped out the redwood deck, the big picture windows and put up a solid wall of ugly wood. Ugh! How they did not want those big windows that looked out on the bay, I will never know. The crooked Mayor of Millbrae, lived just up the hill from me. He made changes to my Great Aunt and Uncle's will that gave everything to my great uncle's nephew! It was so obvious he got things that took away family royalties my great aunt would have never given to anyone but myself, or my son. Anyway, it was basically a forged will and that mayor helped the nephew try to steal away everything that was mine and my son's and he KNEW what he was doing! I left him a very angry message on his answering machine at his office. I tried to speak to him in person, when he was attempting to merge on to Millbrae Ave and was sitting there with the passenger window down. I started speaking to him and he just rolled up the window and drove off! It just amazes me how gutless crooks can be! They are brave when they have others do their dirty work and then hide in the shadows. I am so disgusted with underhanded, greedy, cruel people! Their hypocrisy astounds me!
Anyway, as my great uncle was still alive, he had another will done (damn expensive!) and put things right, as he and my great aunt had wanted. My son and I took care of them both until they passed on. My father was treated in an abusive manner in a home for the aged. I did not know until I saw him with a black eye, dressed in rags and sitting in the cafeteria at 3pm all alone. His TV had been stolen and the nurses had his fan at their station. I always bought him lovely, new designer clothes, but they were always gone the next time I saw him. I had to buy new clothes every week when I took him out. I had a new baby, so it was difficult in some ways, but when I visited, I put my son (as a toddler) on my father's lap and we went for walks and also went to movies, etc. One thing my father said to me was that the other residents were jealous of him, because I visited him all of the time and their families did not. I felt like a kind of hypocrite, since I always hated him growing up, because he treated me badly and my mother too.  He was often violent and beat me with his belt, yet he and a deputy killed the man who kidnapped me, out in the desert (according to my brother).
I cannot stand to know someone is being abused (especially a loved one) without helping them.
I love you so much, I would not hesitate to keep you safe. Please be aware and get away from cruel people.
Hugs and love.

I just want to see you. Of course, anything is up to you. I will just wait to hear, or not.
Sending love always.

I would like to hug you for a long time. It is all I need to be well.

I am embarrassed. The dish washer never worked as was the case with the other built in appliances and I have not been feeling tip top, so I have too many dishes to hand
 wash, but I can save the water that way and use it to flush, mop and water plants. That is how it goes with my tiny washing machine, or bathing water too. I
 am cutting back on some resources. I air dry my clothes.

I need to stop listening to the news; it is nauseating. 

My Buddy

Chet Baker

Nights are long since you went away,
I think about you all through the day,
My buddy, my buddy, no buddy quite so true.
Miss your voice, the touch of your hand,
Just long to know that you understand,
My buddy, my buddy, your buddy misses you

Miss your voice, the touch of your hand,
Just long to know that you understand,
My buddy, my buddy, your buddy misses you

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Gus Kahn / Walter Donaldson

My Buddy lyrics © Wb Music Corp., Berlin Irving Music Corp., Donaldson Publishing Co, Wb Music Corp Obo Gilbert Keyes Music Company

I mistakenly hit some area on my phone that put all my blog entries as "draft" then to take that off, it undid ALL of the "drafts". Now, I will either have to leave them that way, or go through them all and place them as draft again. It is the risk of writing a blog of one's innermost thoughts. I haven't even had 1/2 of my pina colada and I am already getting the munchies and feeling drowsy, or very silly; it is touch and go.....I always say I should get libated more often, but then I forget.

I want to go to SF and walk around ChinaTown, have a picnique on the Garden Terrace of the Fairmont. Elegant, but low cost. A lovely meal with an amazing view.  I think the Fairmont in SF is very user friendly.  One can sit in a very elegant room on luxurious couches and chairs for hours and not be bothered by anyone! The secret is dressing up! If you look like you belong, they leave you alone. So, dress up and lounge without a care!

I also want to go to a Beat type bookstore and poet night club. It would be fun. Remember, "So, I Married an Axe Murderer" "Woman, wooooman"? I love the poems. That disgusting, murdering, MP, pretending to be a psy.  said people who like that genre are mentally ill. She is such a piece of shit, she belongs in jail, for life!

I am ready for some fun times getting to know you, or if that is not on your agenda, then I don't know; become a silent volunteer at a Buddhist monastery?  All I ever wanted was to know you.

My renter has some rum and I found crushed pineapple, so I made an ersatz pina colada! I had two sips with one of my new straws and I am weak in the arms! I may write more crazy later (or fall asleep, which I did!)
As always, cut me some slack on what I may say that can upset, or annoy. I only barely make it through each day as it is. I am playing with a large handicap....my brain! :-)
You know me! Don't have a negative epiphany about me now! 

Some old family friends have a beautiful Victorian home on Catalina Island and it has a grand view from its hilltop perch. It is stuffed with my fav pottery, Catalina Pottery. Every surface is taken up with it! I have a few bits, but after moving, much has disappeared. I don't even know if my dad's friends are still alive. I am fairly certain the son, Robbie still lives there and runs their 2 shops.

(My father passed away a long time ago.)

There is a private beach on Catalina where you pay to go in and get a beach chair and they serve bevvies to you on the sand and certain nights they had a BBQ and you brought what you cooked. It was a lovely memorable atmosphere. I think I recall mentioning it before.

I went there all of the time as a child and we stayed on my father's friend's sailboat. Even now listening to the sounds of rigging gently clinking with the rolling motion of the sea, puts me in a harmonious mood.

It would be fun to go there again.

I know I will never change how I feel about you.

I adore your sweetness.

I would love some quality time listening to what you have to say and how you feel.

I always wished I were on your afternoon phone call list.

Are you well?

If your answer is ever no, I want to hear about it, so I can help you get well. Rules be damned!

If nothing else, you need to check out the view here. I know you will love it. I will appreciate it more with you enhancing it.
I can see how this little town could be fun if there aren't people who weren't paid to make life miserable. I have actually been black balled. For awhile, believe it or not, my mail was even screwed up for awhile there. It took my mother sending my birthday card 3 times before I got it! They sent back court papers, DMV papers, etc. All I could think was, "wow, money can by evil everywhere!" I mean, 3 judges, sheriff's deputies, etc. The sad thing too is that the big wigs didn't care! It makes it clear that people have very little integrity. Without integrity, people are no longer sentient brings who can be relied upon to actually do their jobs. When people mess with the fabric of our lives to make an extra buck, what chance do any of us have? We are merely life rafts bobbing in the ocean aimelessly, waiting for a rescue vessel. An honest person really is a rariety. Also, people don't seem to mind hurting people. I love the GS quote about how people are here to help others, what the others are here for, he doesn't know. I agree.

If I do have bc, I need to incorporate the Berkson protocol to enhance the effectiveness of any Western protocol. It has been used entirely, but one wants the best outcome possible. Right?🙃😃🌹

Maybe it is my attitude that keeps me alive, plus keeping up what feels like writing
emails to you. Except worry for someone's safety, or someone's death, I manage to hit low and come back, well sometimes I get pretty damn low and feel restless and anxious. I do not feel in control about certain aspects of my situation, which in some ways is good, but it also makes me more creative. I find ways to know if he is okay, even just by prayer. It just feels calming somehow. I know the angel loves him too.
My problems are mostly easily resolved. As I said, they will hopefully melt away at the end. He always made it easy to do better for myself. I loved to see him happy and also proud of my efforts.

I am basically an optimistic person, disguised as an Emo. It is an outlet.

The only thing I worry about besides his safety, is what he thinks about me. That is odd, since I have a cancer scare. But what he thinks means more to me.

The closer the time gets, the more I worry....about several things.
Will I wake up and be in Kansas?
All the colors gone?

It was fun. They turned it ugly.

I am fat and unattractive and bite my thumb nails. I am useless.

That is what "they" were always telling me...except for the thumb nail part...that is intermittent. They wanted to instill in me how unworthy I was to have the audacity to think I could ever be your friend.

I do apologise for any mistakes I have made. This entire "event" has turned my world upside down.  It has been horrible and so abusive and terrorizing. I was driven by my worry for my friend, so I had many complications and worries. I do not trust any of those people at all in any manner and feel so protective of my friend. I just want to enjoy life again.

When I refer to my new co-owner, I am taking liberties mentioning it now to the HOA, but I have long said it is what I wanted to do. I just need to get it agreed upon. My friend took care of me "above and beyond" and I adore him and want him to be a part of my life, should he desire, but barring that, it is all I have to show my immense gratitude, love and respect for him, for putting himself so much on the line for me. I have never experienced such beautiful friendship before in my life. He is loyal and kind beyond compare. 

I am scared, but I need tests done with observation. I cannot trust those in charge. I sweat and am tired from the med and cannot sleep. I know they want me to be miserable.
The K radiologist, Dr. Moon, was yelling at me and shoving a long needle in my face and then took core breast samples while calling me cold and callous and heartless. She said she was glad I finally cried, so she knew that I at least had some feeling. She kept berating me as she took out each core flesh sample, then waved the samples floating in liquid in front of me, taunting me. The technician had been holding down my arms, but only later I saw a bruise and took a picture.

Dr. Moon, sent me to have a mammogram while I was bleeding profusely and was terribly dizzy from MS and stress. When I was illegally sent to jail, I was so dizzy I could not hold my head up. They taunted me with the promise of some med that would stop the dizziness and nausea, but it was a lie. I was put into a freezing jail cell with blood and dust on the floor.

When the mammogram tech clamped down excessively hard on my bleeding breast, blood flooded to the floor and pain exploded in my senses. I nearly passed out and had to be caught by two assistants. As sick as I was, I still had the kindness of mind to say "thank you" and "good-bye" to the ultrasound technician when I saw her in the hallway leaving for the evening. She obviously knew who I was, because she would not lift her eyes from the floor, muttered something unintelligible and walked away.

At least she had the decency to feel guilt for watching that cruel, maniacal radiologist abuse me and doing nothing to stop her.

I know who Dr. Moon was pleasing by hurting and frightening me. That person wanted me hurt. She wanted and wants me terrorized; she wants me dead.

She is mentally ill.

It makes me worried.....for him

I have a fruit tree outside my front door and all I know it is a fruit cocktail variety that I bought. I think there are apricots, cherries and today I saw a tiny apple! There may be another type of fruit, but not sure. Nothing has appeared all the 4, or so years I have had it. (There may also be plums.) I hated leaving my fruit trees in Millbrae, especially my apricot tree by the house, it gave me pounds and pounds of apricots and so delicious!

With you, I know I could feel silly and fun.

I really anticipate feeling comfortable enough to be like that again. 

I just got colorful paper bendy straws in the mail today! It's the little things, right? :-)
 
I wonder if they still make the straws that have the flavor in them....or Fizzies?
Terribly bad for a person, but....!

One of my favorite meals, but rarely have is: a tuna sandwich with french fries, with a stack of sweet pickles (so there is pickle in each bite) and a choc shake all from the Creamery in Palo Alto (next to my fav of stores, the Unicef store. Pasadena had a massive Unicef store where I bought all my clothes. They were pretty, but had to be hand washed carefully, because the colors ran terribly). I was a Bohemian. I had a best friend named Georgeane, who looked like Cher and she would take me "to the clubs" to go dancing....they were all men who were only interested in dancing with us. That was great! All the fun w/o the grope! Sometimes we came dragging (no pun intended) at like 6 am, or sometimes went straight to work at the Federal Reserve Bank in LA. I worked for the Treasury Dept. as needed and as a currency sorter, looking for counterfeits. (Where I got my eye for noticing forgeries.)   

Each morning I went from Pasadena to LA to get to work. I always had cars that would surprise me and not start. My VW seemed to have a problem with the battery draining, so each morning, so I would push it down the street and down a steep apartment complex driveway and would pop the clutch as it rolled forward down the driveway, praying it would start prior to reaching the bottom, because if it hadn't started by bottom, I rolled it back up the hill backward and tried again, until it DID start! Then, when I got my '64 Alfa, it too would be sporting a dead battery in the a.m. So, routinely, until I could buy a new battery, I got up early, yanked out the battery and ran it down the street to a garage and had them charge it while I got ready for work, then back again after the charge......prior to vehicle ownership, I rode the bus, or when I missed it, thumbed a ride. Walking in LA was pretty hairy. People would drive rudely and nearly run over me, so I got into the habit of kicking their doors with my wooden clog(s). No one ever gave me trouble for it.  One time, I was given a ride near the Jewelry District by someone in a limo. He showed me his jewelry making business. He was an Arab man and wanted me for his harem, I think....no thanks! I think my mother was disappointed. Another time, I was asked by a woman to pose nude for a magazine. I took her card and said I had to ask my mother, but never even considered it. I started to become shy about walking in public.

I liked to get an egg salad sandwich with sprouts at a health food store with a counter, or other times, a turkey sandwich at Stottlemeyer's deli; they made the BEST sandwiches in Pasadena, but nothing beat Nate n' Al's in LA. (now closed :-(  ) A friend and I would go there, have lox and scrambled eggs, or a thick turkey sandwich on Jewish rye with Russian dressing and read Variety.
 
I truly think that a deli sandwich is the king of food!
(Nothing like that here!)
xxo!   

I want to talk with you and keep talking. I want to just hear everything about you, your feelings and what you enjoy most.  I feel as if I already know a lot, you are everything in my eyes, but I am not completely wearing rose colored glasses; that would be too much pressure for anyone. But, you always treated me respectfully and even more like a friend. I got a chance to know about you and understand and gave me a base upon which to grow a strong foundation of trust. Because of that, I was able to see through the BS created by other people who wanted me to hate you, but I always had a deeper connection anyway, where I didn't even need to hear your voice to know what you were thinking, but being away has killed me. I had to do anything I could to keep from complete despair.  You are someone I love and respect to the Moon and back. That is why I could never be a problem to you, since your happiness is my happiness. I cannot stand the thought of anyone, or anything hurting you.
You bless me.
I love you.

I would love to head North .....and keep going....

I was the victim of a hit for doing nothing wrong. No one did anything wrong. The vicious attacks made me worry, but not for me. Seeing me suffer was a punishment for a kind heart, but it terrified me for him, because of how badly I was treated. Those people have no respect for human life when it comes to getting in the way of their objectives.

Love was not the objective, keeping captive and acquiring money was/is the motive. I think he knew I was loyal and would not let someone down, if they were in need. Everyone knows who would be behind any harm that might come to him. HB police already said to me, "men are not the only abusers, women can abuse too!" That worried me even more. That disgusting prop attorney tried to make me sound like some twisted stalker, using the police as my "eyes." I used the police to do their job: keep their residents safe, nothing more. It amazes me that the criminals who started this whole thing, whine when a person  uses legal remedies to catch them at their crimes and then paint it with a twisted brush and accuse me of criminal intent.

That attorney shut the police down against me. They promised to do an extra close watch of the area, but the attorney who is a criminal, discouraged them. He kept me from getting out the word to protect and he did to a degree, but I have warned the most important people, namely the DA's office. If I keep myself safe, the more my friend is in danger, unless he has made sure his money is protected, since that is all they want. All I know is that they WILL kill me, if I give them the opportunity. They already knew that because of my lie detection report, money was and is not motivation for me, for anything.

All that matters to me is love.

I cannot be bribed to allow someone to be harmed.  Stay away from danger. If it were me, I would send a letter to the PD telling my story and then tell the person who is harmful, what I did and send copies to various entities, like an attorney and all around.  Stay safe, I could not bear it if you were gone. They beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, but it only makes me worry for you.

I hope you are having a good day. Stay safe.

My love for you got me such hate. I'd rather suffer through their hate than ever deny my love for you. That love has been the most remarkable experience of my life.

I loved our teasing banter. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to stop talking to you.
Thinking about you got me through until the next time. It felt like all the best things in one. Those eyes....
I regret every moment I missed out seeing you.

Sleep well, sweet face.

I still feel really close to you. It seems so natural. I don't want to lose you. It is my prayer along with your safety.

Remember when I said I only wanted to hear bad news from you? I still would appreciate it, if necessary. 

If all I could do for the rest of my life is to care for you and make you happy, it would mean everything.

I hope I hear right away when everything is over. I am so anxious. I might be wonderfully happy, or dreadfully sad.

If I do have bc, I only want you to  help me with it. I don't trust anyone else. 

I am looking forward to talking with you. I want to get rid of the bad taste from over 5 years of torment by terrible people. Anyway, I hold hope. There was a beautiful bright star, North Star last night. It was lovely.
Stay safe!
Hugs and love!

If my gushy language is not to your taste, don't worry, I can do what you want, but I want you know how I truly feel first. I don't know, I am just so lonely for you and feel so much love, I need to express myself. I need to remember how understanding you are. God, I miss you! How lovely to communicate with you again!
You are loved!

There is an interesting show about a woman who bought a French chateau and has some people help her renovated. It is on YouTube. I love the idea.

I kind of think the symptoms that I notice are from the breast cancer medication. Otherwise I feel good, just a bit tired, since my sleep is sparse. I am also feel worried.

I listen to the news and wish I could run off with the one I love and forget the troubles of the world for awhile and just living in joy.

I think about you, I smile and I think, "I just love him."

I barely slept. I had a hard time trying, but I also got fascinated by a documentary about the band Queen. I had no idea Adam Lambert was filling in for Freddie Mercury. He is an amazing talent as was Freddie. (Even more so, in my thinking.)

The fog is so thick, the ocean has disappeared.
Right now my dog is "fluffing" my pillow; digging away on it like a fool
You are my co-owner, if indeed you would like, otherwise stay whenever you want, or forever anyway.
I would like it very much to be my gift after I take care of the taxes. I am not allowed to share ownership until I do that. If I can sell a cemetery plot, or a painting, it should do it. I am angry that the real estate woman lied to me about the taxes....and so many other things too. I am tired of liars. It is why I like to have everything upfront, for myself anyway.
I like to write in this style, because it is more friendly and conversational. I lost the love of my life and if I don't write as if to him, it hurts too much. I used to write to him each day and it is unbearable not to keep it up. I miss him so much, life is merely time going by. It really is similar to "You've Got Mail" with elements of other movies thrown in.

I am so sick of the assholes who run this HOA. Why do they feel so obligated to be such supreme assholes?

I am so tired, worried and worn out. Why do things need to be this way? I cannot trust those people with my life, certainly no one I care about either.

Someone is reviewing my (?) slides.

I dearly want you okay, no matter our relationship. I will help. I think someone messed with my driver's license, because I sent in a money order to renew it and it wasn't done and they had no record of any of it. So at this point, no license, but I would find a way.

I figure that while this thing is going on, nothing can be considered normal. Obviously evasive tactics may need to be taken at some point and help will need to be sought and employed. Maybe I am wrong, but no one at the top cares about bad activities taking place. It is so very strange. I will be ready to help you.

It's like they just took over our lives.
I have been reading bad things about that place. It is weird.
I don't think they have been innocent in the bad things that go on; I think they have been onboard with everything that went on. it makes one feel as if people who work there have no autonomy of their lives at all. I would want to escape, then get an attorney, or the authorities, like the DA'S office.

Sometimes you seem like a dream.

I don't mean to be off putting with my feelings, but I get scared, which this strange behavior that I have experienced was supposed to generate. I can display as much, or as little as desired, but when I think I am facing death, I want to be honest. It comforts me to know you are in my corner. Nothing else has been positive, but you. You are the good in life and beyond. I do get frightened, but beyond the surface, there is a calm.

This is your life, live it for yourself now. You have lived up to your responsibilities.

I love you.

I may actually be sick. I cannot end up dying without seeing you first and give you the things I want you to have, or look into your eyes again. I hope I could spend some quality time with you. I love you beyond words or emotion. I would get embarrassed that I could barely breathe around you and my heart went crazy. You will be my last thought. That I know.

The HOA people said my home isn't going to have re-roofing done until 2027. I do not understand why I was even brought into the conversation.

I pray nothing will stop him from meeting with me again.

I just love your sweet, beautiful heart.

Have a wonderful day! Stay safe!

Of course the gift of 1/2 my house is not obligatory, but it would be lovely to make work. I would like us to look out for each other. It is my dearest desire.

Roof and dish Internet, HOA harassment

Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com>	12:06 AM (1 hour ago)
to Bill, harry

Bill, Harry,

I told you about this situation prior. As you may also recall the state of California put dish mounting ABOVE the desires of the HOAs! They have to go where they get the best service PERIOD! I have Exceed, I DID have Dish. Both companies have advised me that on the roof is the only place for reception here. THAT is where it will stay. I don't understand why you don't know the rules. I think you just like picking on me for some reason. Maybe you would like to enlighten me and I can add it in to my list.

The New Satellite Dish Law

Until January 1, 1997, Homeowner Associations could prohibit a homeowner from putting a satellite dish on his roof. With passage of the Telecommunications Act of 1996, your local HOA is prohibited from enforcing local laws banning, or even delaying mounting of, a satellite dish that is less than 39 inches (1 meter) in diameter.  What's more, they can't even require you to request permission to put the dish on your roof! And once it's up, they can't make you take it down or even move it unless you have either created a safety hazard (which they have to prove to the FCC) or you live in a historic district (listed in the National Register of Historic Places). If your HOA is hassling you about a satellite dish you have put on your roof or are planning to put up, here is a chance to fight back with the Federal Government behind you! This is a fight the HOA cannot win.  The following is the verbatim text of a Fact Sheet published by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) relating to this issue. Click here to see the FCC Fact Sheet (assuming the FCC hasn't moved it). If they have moved it, visit the FCC Web Page and search for satellite dish laws and regulations.

http://www.ccfj.net/FCClaw.htm

Bill, Harry, I am not going to put up with ANY more of your shit. I will sue you. I will have a co-owner soon and he will not put up with your shit either! I am an eggshell victim and I know you knew that previously, so your haressment of me ramps up your crimes against me as more heinous. Thank you for reminding me to send my email with your info to the DA. I had been busy dealing with my cancer diagnosis, not thinking about assholes.  

Cp

--

Sincerely,

Cheryl Petrovich

Haviva von Martinitz	4:36 AM (14 hours ago)
to paul, glenn, Jim, Gary, Victoria, Rene, Mark, Michael, Diane, Francie, ann, jim, martin, Bill, harry

I don't even know why I was added into the roof conversation before 

anyway. Only now you mention 2027! Why?Then after we had already 

discussed the priority issue law ages ago, you bring it up like a 

"gotcha" moment. How about we agree that the HOA treats people 

decently and not like you have fun screwing people over? You HOA in 

charge, need to get your jollies in better ways and stop with the 

abusive behavior. You are old; grow up. You treated me abysmally 

and added to my stress which was a causative factor to my cancer 

diagnosis. I would appreciate answers as to why I was being 

attacked from the very beginning. I was told I lowered property value

, had to move my Internet dish, against FCC law (HOA should have 

known the law) I was told I killed a plant, responsible for bird poop 

down the side of the balcony, and my money order for dues was 

"somehow" was missing and I was not told until months later. I was 

set up to putting my cars on the street then Mr. Corey called them 

in as abandoned, to be towed away (& more).That was all dirty and 

underhanded. I cannot imagine anyone being so abjectly cruel and 

sadistic., especially to a woman with health issues. If I die of this 

cancer, I will have you all brought up as a part of the cause of my 

death, by my family. It has all made me hate the people involved 

ever since. It wasn't erratic, random cruelty; it was something that 

was set up to make my life more stressful. Those two, Bill and Corey, 

must have had some incentive to treat me like shit, probably $$$. 

I resent it and I want people who know the truth to speak up, so 

I do not need to subpoena them to a court hearing. I will get the 

answers. People who know what went on and why, should be ashamed 

for keeping silent. It makes you all horrible, low life people. You are 

all disgusting. I would not be surprised if my new co-owner takes up 

my cause and vindicates me and condemns the heartless, sadistic 

participants. Go to Hell, you miserable pieces of shit.  

Cp

I cannot believe that someone as wonderful as you ever happened to me.

My instinct is to protect you and make you happy....and it is all I want.

"Pardon my sanity in a world gone insane." ~Emily Dickinson

My love would not let me give up.

I hope your day has been good. I am just in a quandary as to where to put things until I can get a storage space. I'd like to find one closer than 90 miles, but the least expensive one is that far away. I have been such an emotional blob (a lot from the med, I guess) and other more obvious reasons. I've been ordering storage bags to become more organized. I heard from the cruel HOA president that my building is going to be in phase 2 of the roof renewal, so not next week, but did not tell me what date. The guy is such a massive jerk. Ugh! At least he isn't jumping on me for every tiny thing as he was prior. Plus, he has had me black listed here, so getting help with any work is basically impossible. Before I moved in the guy who took out the carpet did not do a great job and I told him so, so he said he was going to smear my name around town. It was a nightmare here, because the K attorney got here first and decided to make my "welcome" another nightmare. "They" did not want a single aspect of my life to be pleasant to add to the other court stuff going on. I am astounded at the complete detail they went to, to make me miserable. They basically told me that I was a piece of shit, so I had no idea why they figured they had to go to such lengths to show me. But they got the HOA to join in and make me feel like I was some infamous serial killer, or whatever. They "lost" an HOA dues payment, which was before I had a bank account, so it was a money order and being the least organized person, in this tiny place, months later, the woman in charge of dues told me I never gave her dues for this date and that date and they had accrued charges , blah, blah. Well, "someone" obviously got a nice catered lunch on me. Funny, after using a checking account, I have not had a single payment go missing. Sorry, it is boring, but just a taste of what they did, plus the dish on the roof issue, the HOA president blaming me for bird poop on the side of the deck and a dead bush somewhere, and told me that I "lower property values!" I think it was because my friend had given me her car that had a rainbow flag on it. The gardener made rude comments about the flag, then stole my great aunt's foo dog I had by the front door. It broke my heart, since it was probably 80 years old, or more. The HOA President refused to fire the gardener for his comments about the car flag and for stealing my foo dog. Tip of the iceberg. It is just to illustrate to what lengths that scumbag attorney went to make my life miserable. He must have been paid a hefty bonus, by "someone" to go after me to such a degree. It has been bizarre....and laughable. None of my appliances worked, etc.
Just to give you an idea of the crap that was hurled my direction.

I had no idea how lovely life could be until I met you. Your loyalty and kindness are unmatched. Joy forever in my heart!

I am so tired of ugliness in life. Your smile would be a huge help in changing that.

You have my great admiration. You displayed courage, defiance and compassion many times to show me support, at your
own peril. I am forever grateful.

You are the only one I trust.

My right armpit has been throbbing today. I really need some observed, non terrifying diagnostics.

Happy FD to the most lovely man!

The medication makes me miserable at times with hot flashes and inability to sleep and desperate emotions. I need to know what is going on with my health, without being terrified. Even if I only am able to look into your eyes once again, please allow me that joy to guide me on.
I do so love you.

Please don't let me lose you.

I am not that strong. I barely made it as is.

You aren't like them.
You have a lovely compassionate heart. They have hearts of narcissism, greed and murder. They took away over 5 years of my life and have terrorized me and made me worry about my health and your safety. They are monsters. Monsters who do not even display an iota of empathy for what they do to harm others, nor display regret even once over a long period of time, cannot expect to have it given back to them. I was so open to forgiveness and if I find the friendship and support I seek, then I will, otherwise, I deserve to give myself respect, not to merely fade away alone. I would see that my story got out with names and locations fully disclosed. I am a worthwhile human being, not the filth they tell me I am for no reason and treat me as such. They have attacked and tarnished nearly every aspect of my life...... for what? It must be money, because true love does not behave in the way that person has behaved toward the person of her desires. Everything she has done has been for self-aggrandizement and greed. No concern for the wishes of someone she wants, not loves. She hired some people to harm me. No respect for me was shown, only terror and torment. My health history made me a perfect target for death in many different ways. It may not be obvious to the eye of everyone else,  but it was obvious to me and those hearing my story. It was attempted murder.....and maybe it was even murder of another victim. My life is shattered. My heart has been broken, trampled and devastated. I would do anything for the one I love, respect and cherish! He deserves only sweetness in life and to be treated like a king.
He does not deserved to be abused by a monster.

I want to enjoy my life with the one I love. The Monster will be lucky if benevolent hearts do not give back to her what she dished out to her victims, with the assistance of her sycophant helpers.   Hell has a special place for monsters like herself. Terribly hot and painful!

I always thought that being a kind, loving person was the right way to be and it is, but it leaves you open to predators and just cruel people.

The craziest things happened. I was illegally given a restraining order, thrown into jail

My heart is anxious. I feel so alone and sad, but hold hope and love. It is hard not to cry.

Be safe.

How could I have been so blessed to have met you?

You are the one I will always love.

I would like to say that as a friend, I will be loyal, supportive, present and always respectful and ready to help. You are my first and last thought, because it comes naturally to me. I sincerely would give my life to save yours.

I have been waiting so long in anticipation, I am frightened of disappointment. I know he would never let me get hurt, but others would.....this is not humane.

I've been so teary.

I am so jumpy. I don't like it. Times are weird and I am so tired of feeling terrible. I worry when I don't understand things. My stomach has been in pain.

I hope I haven't done anything wrong. Lack of communication is the worst!

I have been so miserable. I have a very hard time being left in mystery. You cannot imagine how stressful it has been. I panic, become anxious, worry and try and understand it, then get angry, then try and be philosophical & spiritual, then I think I will just give the decisions about it to you, or whatever..... Then the process starts over. It has been nearly 5 years of this torment. Forgive me if I screw up.  I am caring, loving, compassionate and I would never do this shit to anyone....EVER!
I need to get this worry and anxiety out of my head and just know you again. Forgive me, if forgiveness is needed and just know that I love you and would die for you.

I wonder how one goes to visit someone during the time of pandemic? Wear masks? I have been nowhere for months, so I have no virus.

I just don't think life would be nice w/o you in it, even in a small way.

I just don't understand everything.

What people underestimated was my faith in you.

One never knows what the DA's office will do. If they realize that I wasn't the bad guy, they will find out who was and will go after them for the State. They know about the forgeries, etc.

Sending love. Stay safe.

Have a lovely special weekend. I hope you feel loved and appreciated. I am sure you are.

I have missed you so much, but you have stayed so vibrant in my heart.

Have a wonderful day and know you are loved.

As I said, I want her to know what could happen to her. She wanted me to be looked down as the lowest of low and it often did happen, but I spent nearly 5 years worried what such a person could do to you. I also worry how much such a soulless individual must eat away at your beautiful heart. I pray for strength for you....and for myself. I have lived so long in a world of disrespect and secrecy. I was robbed of my humanity, but I never lost it. I never hated you. I wanted to hug you. I had scary worries in my mind. I thought they might push you over the edge. It drove me absolutely crazy. I begged people to check on you. Otherwise, I froze. I lived for any tiny bit of info that I could use as hopeful as far as your well being. The more I was held in the dark and away from you, the more I prayed. I felt connected. I felt like I was heard. I worried I might be making up what I thought were coming as the positive answers, but many times I got tangible evidence, which relieved my mind.
I took each bit of positive news I could find to stay upbeat, when I only wanted to die to stop the pain. I knew I had to stay alive to be there for you, but I never thought anyone would ever allow me to see you again, or perhaps you wouldn't want to anyway. They took every opportunity to run me down and remind me that I was not good enough to know you. All I could do to keep up my self-esteem was to tell myself that everyone could use a dedicated friend to be of support. I am hard on myself, so I am as difficult on myself as were my enemies.  I was confused and I cried and cried in unbelievable amounts and intensity. It has been a horrible nightmare.

All I want is to hug you, see your dark eyes and sweet smile.  I want you trust me and give me a chance to prove myself. Let me take care of you in whatever way you might want. Seeing you happy, would make me eternally happy.
Stay strong and be true to yourself.





   

You are the most wonderful person I have ever known and I love you deeply. You have gone above and beyond for me. I hope I don't have to live a life without you in it, at whatever capacity you desire.

I just want to remind the person who keeps trying to attack me, that if I wanted, I could put her in prison. She needs to back off. I should not have to wonder if I have a deadly disease, or not, or if I might be murdered if I have surgery. She seems mentally ill.

The person who hired my attacker could be brought up on murder charges as well as others who participated

If it is 1st degree attempted murder, then there is no statute of limitations.

Brian K Wanerman (Unclaimed Pro     Answered on Jun 29th, 2012 at 7:40 PM

It depends on the type of attempted murder involved. California law 

stipulates there is no statute 

of limitations on any crime for which the maximum punishment is life 

imprisonment. Attempted 

murder carries such a maximum punishment if it is willful, deliberate, 

and premeditated. Any other 

type of attempted murder carries a maximum punishment of nine years. 

The statute of limitations 

on crimes carrying a maximum punishment of eight years or more is 

six years.