NARCS

 Jo Tier

Just come out of 18 year relationship with Narc1y

Do narcissists live miserably?

I think my ex Narc has a great life with me, doing what he liked, getting drunk every weekend, having a lovely home, a son to be proud of, holidays booked & paid for by me, living off my great career I had built up for myself, only contributing a 3rd of his wages to our home. What did he do? He threw it all away despite my threats to leave if he didn’t get help for his rages & the abuse we suffered, I finally woke up & never looked back. Was he miserable? Probably. Is he miserable now? I hope so but I don’t care, he caused his own downfall, he needed to self destruct to fight his demons. They deserve lifelong misery, followed by eternity in hell.

Trauma Expert, Master Healer, Physician, Narcissist SurvivorApr 26

What happens when the empath leaves/abandons their narcissist relationship first?

When you, an empath, leave your relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist is initially stunned, reeling, destabilized.

The narcissist may beg or try to manipulate you into staying. Even if they have other sources of narcissistic supply, they weren’t counting on losing your supply today.

When you hold firm, the pain of rejection causes the narcissist severe narcissistic injury, which results in narcissistic rage.

The narcissist may then

Threaten you

Become verbally/physically/emotionally abusive

Call the police on you

Destroy your other relationships and the people and things important to you

Smear you

Eventually, the narcissist will find supply elsewhere, though they may still wish to punish you for this perceived transgression.

What happens to you, the empath?

Initially, you feel very empowered, brave, and confident. You were courageous. You took a stand for yourself. It’s only fitting you celebrate.

You also feel like peace is actually possible in your life. Your nervous system begins to relax, to let down its guard, ever so slightly. You sleep a little better, feel a little more energy, and feel mentally a little clearer.

When your focus is on yourself, you feel your own sense of peace. You no longer feel the narcissist’s pain and anger.

Next comes the crash.

The massive waves of crushing self-doubt start to roll in and you find it hard to stay afloat.

Maybe they’re not a narcissist.

Maybe they can change.

Maybe I should give them another chance.

You wonder if you made a mistake. No, you agonize over whether you made a mistake.

Now you’re uncertain about EVERYTHING…

What to order at a restaurant

Whether your shirt is too slutty

How to proceed with your car repair

Whether your email to a co-worker could be interpreted as mean

You plummet down the rabbit hole of doubting yourself about everything. You have become your own biggest critic and nothing you seem to do is good enough. (That’s your ego gaslighting you, by the way.)

You look back at your decision to end the relationship through this lens.

Maybe I am too sensitive.

Maybe I overreacted.

Maybe I am insecure…Oh my gosh, holy cow, I AM insecure. The restaurant, the shirt, the car, the email. I am totally insecure!

Then it hits you. Maybe you were the problem.

Your focus shifts to the narcissist, empathizing with their sadness, rejection, and anger. You start feeling it as if it were yours. You don’t want to feel that way. You don’t want anyone to feel that way.

You think about their dysfunctional family of origin, their traumatic childhood, maybe the unknown series of events that made them this way. You wonder if there’s a way to help them, to stop both of your pain.

Maybe you take them back, relive the devaluation – far worse this time – then start this cycle over again.

Eventually, you awaken.

You learn everything you can about narcissists and other toxic people.

You learn everything you can about yourself – your likes and dislikes, your neck gets tight when you’re devalued, your skin breaks out when your boundaries are violated, you get sick after spending time with toxic people.

You realize taking care of you is the single most important thing you can do in being of service to your family, your community, and the world.

You prioritize and get to know yourself deeply. You commit to healing your trauma.

At that point, you realize you didn’t abandon the narcissist. You said YES to you.