All it has come down to in my life is to see you again. Nothing else means anything any longer, not even my health.

Please don't be upset with anything I say here, since I cannot explain clearly. Also, I am feeling so alone, frightened and sad. Life has been uncertain and scary, due to the attacks that have been done against me. This has not been a normal, nor easy time. I am no different than anyone else, I have human fears and sadness, only this has been a long contracted period of time living with the threats, taunts, insults, loss of a normal life and have me blamed for everything. I am sorry, I screw up. One thing in my favor, is that I am kind, they are not. I need an equal chance just to be a normal person. 

I cannot trust them.

I am desperately sad.

My right leg is again hurting so much. I can't find my aspirin. I don't want all this test stuff. The people who said they would be my support aren't. It seems like no one cares. I don't understand.

Anyone who could destroy a person's life and watch them suffer, is a monster.

Please don't ever stop being my friend.

This place (Blog) and others like it kept me alive. A big part of me was ripped out of me when I lost you. It could not have hurt me more if my arms had been just torn off. It was the brutality that was so terrible. If I do have cancer, I am not surprised. 

Kocham cie ~

I would hold your hand
take a walk in a beautiful
   place
you make sacred
with your soul
with your
love
with your
kindness

I want to look
Into your eyes
Into your past
Into your future
Into your happiness
Soothe your grief
Heal your heart

Protection

Hear my whisper
    My prayer
My devotion to you
You captured my heart
and it wanted to stay
Never to leave
ever
   again.

Haviva~

(c) HVM 2020

You are the definition of love.

(I know when your aura is around me.)

Sometimes I sink into such sadness. Truth would take much of it away.

Please speak with people who can remove restrictions. My remaining life is a stake.

• I truly wish that "someone" who understands lipedema would be involved, because I really feel there is that involvement here and may not be cancer, or maybe both, but red flags keep popping up for me that it is not what they think. They seem too Hell bent on it being cancer. I need someone with a more objective eye to look at the reports. I really need someone to have special permission to be involved. They took biopsies, do lipedema lumps ever look like cancer cells? The woman who did the testing came up with a quick answer and she said she triple checked, but she triple checked awfully fast. Results were not supposed to be done until Wednesday, or later, but she was done early on Monday after the samples were only collected late Friday. That is a red flag to me. Also, each place she took samples were where painful lumps existed.  I remember asking about lipedema in the breast and "someone" told me I needed to ask my obgyn. Well, that was several years ago and cancer would not last that long. I just want to be certain that no one is trying to force a diagnosis and lop off a breast using cancer it as an excuse, if it were an incorrect diagnosis. I need an expert and I need to make sure no one is doing anything to me out of revenge under the guise of helpfulness. They were acting suspiciously in Daly City, plus, why did Dr. Z's exam come up with nothing, when I was being told by everyone else it was "really, really bad?" A veteran OBGYN is not going to miss, "really, really bad!" That does not jibe in my mind." It totally felt like they WANTED it to be cancer, no other diagnosis. Fishy. I need a specialist involved. No doubt about it. The pain in my breast coincided with terrible pain I had in the other parts of my body where lumps existed. I could barely walk and the pain was excruciating. After the breast pain stopped hurting, the leg and thigh pain subsided too. I was taking masses of ALA, Vit C and aspirin and pain cream. I had begun taking my renter's antibiotic and it had seemed to help, but Dr. Z would not give me an Rx for and antibiotic to see if it would take the rest of the issue away.  I truly believe what happened was somehow an infection that affected the lumps only on the right side of my body. They are subsiding with the pain and I believe the size has decreased. I think we may have hit on a possible cure(?) for the painful lumps. Remember I said we should biopsy the lumps? Could they possibly be mistaken for cancer under a microscope? Please don't let them force a diagnosis out of "helpful" revenge, or to expedite things. I do not want to be mutilated merely to give someone their jollies, or whatever reason. I think there are enough red flags to be cautious. I need the expert and one I trust, to get a special dispensation to help in my case. K, or DA, or both. I am skeptical about the timing on this. Too close to the end. This seems like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. I don't know what to do, but I do know that I am not going to sacrifice my life to people who may have false loyalties of revenge against me.

Unless someone persuades me otherwise, I think I will cancel my medical appts. at RW City. Just too many red flags that popped up I cannot trust the people there.

I don't want to go to RW City. I don't know what to do.

If anyone wants to know to whom I am writing here, the answer is myself. I am writing to remember my thoughts and feelings and desires in real time. If I could write directly to anyone, I would. It does make me feel good to pretend to do that sometimes. I am going to write a book someday. I will use real names and real situations. Honesty. Something that seems to be in very short supply of late.

The person who did this to me will be investigated, but if she apologized.....I might reconsider. Otherwise I will insist that a full investigation be launched.

I need to hear definitively about what is going on. It isn't fair to make me suffer even more.

It is astounding how evil people become to get their greed satisfied.

Is this a lure? If so, I will not darken the RWCity doorway, unless it is to see you. Then, I can let fate take control.

I cannot see me going to anything at RWCity if I cannot be given reassurance.

Will you promise to try and keep me safe?

1. I will not have anything invasive done at that RW City K!

The "thing" had me feeling so low, I have felt too humiliated to even see, or communicate with much of my family. I have not wanted to explain anything, or say how my life has been going all this time. No one should get away with doing that to another person. Now, I get to possibly fight cancer. I feel forgotten.

I get no info, but I look for the smallest signs. It is so difficult. I do feel kindness toward me from you, though. I was never wrong about your beautiful heart.  I could always tell your truth from their lies. I resented their ugly mouths of mendacity and hate even uttering your name and desires as if they were theirs to express. I said to that evil man, "I don't believe for a moment that he would ever be your friend." He wanted it to seem like you were buddies. It made me ill. No one has the right to do what was done to you. It is not my business, but they could be sued for what they did to you and also jailed.....ALL of them! I would tell the DA.

I loved the last day I saw you, but I hated it when you walked away. I ran to see you go down the escalator, but some deputy yelled at me to come back. I ended up feeling so sick. They carried it out way too far. They didn't want you to see me being roughly treated and screamed at. I passed out for a moment. I could not understand why they acted like I was the Devil on Earth. It was so surreal being treated like someone so the opposite of myself. It was strange to have had a Buddhist monk tell me that I behave naturally in a Buddhist manner and there in court I was being spoken to with such scorn and derision. I guess it was so confusing it shorted me out.

Please be there.

My prayer.

I hope I can see you soon.

Making chicken livers for dinner and watching "Wine Country" for the millionth time.

I hope you have a lovely evening.

It just seems odd to me that I had so much pain on the right side of my body, including the breast, that I could barely walk and when I went in to get it checked out, Dr. Z found nothing wrong with a manual exam, but the mammogram and the ultrasound found "masses" right where the painful lumps were, took biopsies right where the painful lumps were and came up with cancer. I have always thought that the lumps came about due to the chemo, but I always considered them to be lipedema. I took massive amounts of ALA and vit C and the pain and hardness of the breast area subsided, but it seemed to go down my leg and the pain was so bad I could not sleep. I had been taking massive amounts of aspirin for the pain, so when I read that aspirin could affect the A1C reading, I have been wondering what else could give false readings too. I have yet to figure out that possible factor....

I want to see you so much.

I am starting to feel like ignoring this and just wait to die. I need someone to call me.

You don't know how sad and alone I feel.

I need to be assured. I most certainly cannot have surgery  there without your observation. I need reassurance. Someone needs to call me.

How am I supposed to feel safe going to RWC?

A big, beautiful moon is peeking through the window.....

I am terrified to go to RWC. I don't think I will be treated well. I am sure people are told only one side of whatever has been told. I understand it, even if they are wrong about the situation, they need to feel support, but it is twisted thinking and when it comes to health safety, professionalism needs to rule the day.  
It was wrong of that attorney to get involved. 

I need to have my renter drive me, because the DMV has still not given me my new license and I cannot risk having my car taken away. So, I have to go Friday and then again Tuesday. It tires me to just think about it. I hate asking for the help, but it is my only option.

I need to stop worrying about how you are going to react to me. We got along well before, so no reason to think it would be any different now. I just want to pick up and go on the nice way we were doing before. It was fun and interesting. I enjoy what you have to say and I like how we enjoy so many of the same things. I know there was a very good reason for wanting to be friends. Also, you have been so wonderful to me and I want to give back. I fell in love and never stopped, but I respect your feelings, it has been a long time, but I never felt as if the bond was ever gone. I just feel as if we could pick right up again. I should stop worrying and just trust. I adore you and would never hurt you, or make you sad. I want to be your support and encouragement. I want you to always feel loved. (I cannot fully describe how much I care about you, but I certainly can show it. I think you already know anyway.) I just want you to be happy and enjoy life. That is happiness to me. This time away has been awful and worrying, but it has made me feel even stronger affection and a deeply protective attitude. I don't want anyone to try and push you around ever again. I have been someone who gets pushed around at times, but I would never let anyone do it to you. I would be fierce about it. If I have cancer that is bad, I would love to see you as much as I could. I have missed out on so much precious time around you. I just want to keep the bad people away and make them stay away. I will do anything for you to feel happy and loved.

I just want to see you again and whatever you decide, because I already know how much you mean to me and I want to know you and take care of you forever, if I may. It was all about becoming friends and then horrible people jumped in and made things as miserable as possible, because various people did not want our friendship to happen. For me, the thought of becoming your friend was what kept me alive. I knew that terrible people wanted something from you and it frightened me, because it was no problem for them to lie about you, forge your signature and keep you under watch. I knew if you died, I would not care for life. Such cold blooded, awful people should not have control of others. You deserve happiness forever more.
  
I remember how upset you were at one time and it scared the Hell out of me ever since. Obviously, you know how I feel about you, from all the poems I wrote about you and my thoughts I shared.  I don't know what was ever seen, or not.....but I know you have always been there for me and someone as kind and as loyal as you would not stop now. Please, I will always be there for you too. It has been the most  difficult time of my life and missing you has been the worst part of it.... even including cancer.

I guess I could have an attorney send my will to you if I die before seeing you again. But, if I see you again prior, I want you to have half my house with me and whatever I own. I have some investments, but they have been percolating an awfully long time. All I know is that I will love you as much in my death as I do in life, which is beyond calculation. I am so very grateful for your beautiful kindness and concern. I am very sad and miserable right now. I spend a lot of the day cheering myself up and then when evening comes, I guess it is too much to bear. I know they thought I would be gone by now, but your devotion kept me alive. How could anyone not love someone who did so much for me? But, I loved you the first day you called me to apologise to me, it just grew stronger from there.

Why are they sending me to RW City? I am afraid to go there! W/O you, I think I would be in danger. I have been treated like some terrible person! I gave a few gifts, confessed my love to a fake psy and they did all they could to get me to kill myself, used false law and they have people treat me like a mass murderer! They  have plenty of forgiveness for their evil deeds, but treat a gift giver like a monster! Those are not people who know love, they know selfishness and greed.
I don't want anything but to be around you again, but they won't believe me. They can look at my lie detection report, or give me another. I love you, that is all. I cannot believe they know love.

I will not have any surgery without my friend there to observe.

I respect your integrity. I admire that you go to great lengths to help people. What I did not like was the way they made you behave according to their plans. What they did not know is that I believed in you. I knew if you acted oddly, it was them, not you. I may have reacted the way I was supposed to have acted, but never once did I believe them over you. Their behavior made me afraid for your safety. My love and devotion just got stronger over time. They thought they would break me down, or kill me, but they were not thinking about the fact that I have lived through some hard times and have gotten tough. It was my worry for you that was my Achilles heel, which ravaged me and harmed my health. I have rarely been able to feel at ease. That helped me to realize that my love was real. I would always sacrifice my safety to protect you. You made life worth living. That has not changed, only now, all I have are my memories. I need some new ones..... of you.

I know that I will get well if I can see you again. 

I am so profoundly in love with you.

I just wish I felt more adequate to say such a thing.

You are loved.

It is overcast and cold, so I just feel like staying in bed....and looking at your pic.

The seagull with the different foot, was sitting there , shivering in the rain so I gave him some dog food and he ate like mad, filled up and flew away. I felt better.

Hugs. 

Shallow people are so annoying, but mean, greedy people who think the world and the people in it are their toys, are the worst. 

I have a tablespoon of baking soda each day. It makes me burp. ☺️

I got the liquid ALA and just used it via squeeze bottle.....down below. Legs up! 

I have been brought down to the lowest: humiliated, worried, frightened, sleepless nights and so sad, so now I want to change gears, get well and in shape and take care of the one I love, if that is in his plans. (You make me want to live.)  I would so love to say your name and not feel like I have no right to say it. I am a frightened mouse.

I am more afraid of never seeing you again, than losing my life, because my life is nothing without you in it.

Someone must be able to let us be friends and stop all restrictions. I need to see you, but it is your call. I feel like my sadness is eating/rotting my body alive and making me die.

The only words that I ever need to say again are, "I love you forever,....."

It makes me feel uncomfortable that Dr. Z said, "breast cancer is not painful!!" in an angry tone, but after the mammogram came back with issues, I figured it was lipedema, since I always had that problem. Then, the ultrasound looked bad and a really odd radiologist/surgeon (?) came in to speak with me and said he was going to take a biopsy, I asked later if someone else could do it, I did not hear back. I was going to go to SF to have it done, but when the mega dosing of ALA and vit C seemed to stop the breast hardness and pain, I stopped worrying about it, plus Dr. Z's reprimand made me forget about it. After all, the reason I went in was for breast pain and his manual exam raised no red flags, nor did he seem panicky for me to have a mammogram, but merely suggested it, since it had been awhile since I had one. Four months later I got a Call from Dr. Bracca (sp?) who said my mammogram was really bad and I should come in. I thought it would be another mammogram, or ultra sound. I said I did not want anything invasive, to which she said it would not, but when Dr. Moon showed me test results, she said that if I were her mother, or daughter, she would have them get a biopsy. I agreed to the biopsy and she blindsided me with her comment about how she was thinking I seemed to have emotional problems because I guess I wasn't upset enough. It really made no sense. As I mentioned, I cried because I was missing you and wished you were there to comfort me. You make me feel safe. No matter if I were safe, or not, I want to feel that comfort you give me, even if I am dying. Knowing you are there for me, makes me feel good, even about dying. I know I will go to a better and safe place, if you are the one to send me off. I stopped fearing death, if you are there for me. I told the sweet angel I would always look after you. She took care of me too when I needed it.  Don't think me odd, she has done so much for me to feel more comforted about her looking after you too. It was a lovely bonding feeling. I believe in it, but even if it is only in my head, it worked. I get overwhelmed at times, like when I needed to say you could be in danger. I was out of my mind with worry and nothing would stop it.

Now, I am going to the very place I said I did not want to be. Please keep me safe, I need to see you again.           

I hope you don't hate me thinking and sending my prayers to have you know I love you and want you protected, but it is all I can do right now. But, if I heard you were sick, or frightened, or harmed, I would be there in a moment.

Please help me get well and stay safe, but don't ruin our friendship status, but not at risk of my death. I promise to keep you safe and happy....and always loved. I know you already know it to be true. Staring into your eyes was the most wonderful experience ever, I did not want to leave. I have been living off that amazing feeling, but I so ache to experience it again.  

I just want to have you in my life. I have never felt so strongly that way about someone before. 

If I had the right to take care of you, I would never allow anyone dare to even say a negative word about you, much less bully you, which I suspect is what has happened. I would make certain you had the freedom to live as you wish and not have anyone treating you like a piece of property, but instead as the honored, noble, beloved one that you deserve to be treated. As is, I have done a lot in that area over time. As I mentioned before, my friend said, "no one would dare try and harm him, because you have told them all, everyone about who would be the culprit(s)."  You owe me nothing, but I owe you everything and it is also my loveliest delight to have you so firmly in my heart with dedicated love.

 I cannot go to RW City unprotected. It was bad enough at Daly City with Dr. Moon being weird and saying she was glad I cried. I cried because I wished you could have been there.

I don't know how I can go to RW City. "She" did not care if I died all these years, why go there now? I need someone to protect me.

If I am not going to have you to protect me, why step into the lion's den?

• I don't think I can get all the way down there for tests. I still did not get my DL back so I cannot drive.

Someone needs to tell that woman to grow the fuck up, understand that paying hitmen to torture innocent people is a crime and that
she is not above the law.

I am so sad. Further humiliation, going to that awful person's domain. I have been terrorized for 5 years and must have treatment at the biggest bitch's domain? I don't like it. Not at all. She would come in and "oops" managed to sever an artery, or lop off a breast! That is why I need observation. They have already shown I am the enemy.

I need an expert to see if any of the lumps are lipedema and not cancer.

I want my friend to have access to my tests, etc.

I really don't want to run into the queen B. I would feel like having her arrested. Or kicking her in the balls.

All I care about is seeing you again. I am really tired of all the other stuff. The a-holes responsible for all the crap should take care of all the expense. Five years of torment isn't enough, throw in cancer too and let me sink, or swim. Trump isn't the only cold hearted bastard a-hole on the planet. The self-centered, greedy, narsissistic jerks who have no compunction about hurting innocent people give that monster a real run for his money.

I have to figure things out. I can't do that much driving. It is getting me down.

So, I am getting scans set up. It is getting more and more humiliating when I have to tell people there that I cannot get to my online account. MP cut me off using someone else's name and then ran off and left me cut off. Those people are massive a-holes. I am feeling more and more annoyed. The thought of spending so much time @ RW City K is nauseating to me.

Setting up appointments. I should get an RV now, so I can always have a place to stay.

How are you? Please be safe.

It would be nice if my online account were reinstated.

I hate that you could be suffering. Please be safe.

1. So, Dr. Moon was saying that she was thinking I was not emotional, because I am heartless and callous toward "someone"! The one telling her that has no concept of the situation. Dr. Moon certainly has a gross misunderstanding of who has been the callous one and who were the ones who suffered as victims! Narcissists always look at themselves as the victim and point the finger at others as bad people. They ignore the bad behavior they do and feel justified in doing it. Not having the guts to face someone and talk, but instead hiring goons to do whatever they want; is not only gutless, but illegal. I could have died and may still. For five years I have suffered under false law, jail, cruelty, taunting, threats and now breast cancer, likely from all the stress. She might have tried being a decent person and kind, that would probably would have helped somewhat. But, that is one scary individual. Nice people don't behave like they own someone. Cherishing would certainly be preferred by most.

My only happiness was that I had my sweet memories of you; they helped carry me through. 

Seeing you is what would cure me.

I need to come in for CT and bone scans and speak to someone in genetics.

You know that if I could speak with you, I could do what you want re handling things. All I can do is speculate. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes angry with some and not so much others. Not any of them considered how it could be hurting me they just added in more cruelty.

I had such a nice, long phone call with my mother! I told her about someone from Roseville dying from the virus. She said she is staying home. But, she said people on the cruise ship she went on were quarantined after her stop. That was January, so she has been off the ship long enough and has no sign of the virus. She keeps herself up, exercises gets acupuncture and takes herbs. She sounds happy too, so I feel relieved.
Be well too! 

Thinking of you.

I do not trust those people. They were mean and I think they would love to do something to harm me ....as in dead. I cannot do anything serious w/o you there.

 I wish you could stay home. At least wear a mask.
You are loved, very much. 

Someone in Roseville died of the virus. My mother lives there. 

Be strong, love yourself. Don't let anyone take your happiness away. 
I will always support you and love you.

You know you don't have to be anyone to me, but you know I will always be there for you. I would not try and see you, if that is your desire. I would just stay away and probably sell my house and travel, or if the cancer is bad, wait to die, I guess. I cannot have Dr. Z prevent me from getting a second opinion. I am going heavy on my supps. I cannot trust anyone else at K to help me. Please be safe.

If the person who started the legal "thing" would end it now and leave people to their own devices without interfering, I would do what I could to mitigate her involvement in it, otherwise, since no concern was shown me and now having possible cancer; I am not going to waste my sympathy on her. Even now, I worry about how things affect others, while I was not given a second thought to the cruelty I endured, or you endured. That is completely narcissistic and hateful.

I am in the process of asking for permission to get a second opinion.

The person who did this will not be safe from legal repercussions. She should know that and everything she was trying to avoid, will be brought out in the open. It would be devastating publicly and personally. I wanted to avoid it, but it has gotten to the point where it cannot be avoided.

"You're always in my head"
        - Coldplay

I might have a time bomb inside me. I need another place to get looked at. But , you, please leave that work place of danger. They treated you like crap, you owe them nothing. You should sue for identity theft and the way you were treated. But you know better than me what can be done. I only care about you being safe. A fire lookout sounds lovely to me. I want to see the shooting stars and say hi to our angel who looks out for us both.

My hero.

https://youtu.be/H9nPf7w7pDI

Just know that there is someone out there who loves you.

I really don't want to do anything until I am able to see you again.  

You.

Wouldn't it be nice to have fun and laugh after all the sad and serious?

Revisit:

The Ghost~

I have become a ghost in your life

A whisper

A flicker

A breeze 

    on your cheek

The thoughts that

may linger

when emotions

are weak

Time is a thief 

and a stealer

of dreams

leaving hopeful hearts broken 

and soul crippling 

scenes

I won’t forget you no matter 

the years

My aim is to save you from

desperate attacks 

and heart pounding 

fears

I saw in your eyes 

you needed a

friend 

to trust with your 

thoughts and in 

hard times

defend

I worry if you’ll see me

or my presence

denied

Five years of remorse for 

a reason they

hide

I love you so much 

I feel a great

glow

It sparks from inside 

But they’ll never

know

I’m merely a ghost 

my love they can’t

steal

They cannot take something

they never could 

feel.

      

Haviva~

© HVM 2019