It makes me feel uncomfortable that Dr. Z said, "breast cancer is not painful!!" in an angry tone, but after the mammogram came back with issues, I figured it was lipedema, since I always had that problem. Then, the ultrasound looked bad and a really odd radiologist/surgeon (?) came in to speak with me and said he was going to take a biopsy, I asked later if someone else could do it, I did not hear back. I was going to go to SF to have it done, but when the mega dosing of ALA and vit C seemed to stop the breast hardness and pain, I stopped worrying about it, plus Dr. Z's reprimand made me forget about it. After all, the reason I went in was for breast pain and his manual exam raised no red flags, nor did he seem panicky for me to have a mammogram, but merely suggested it, since it had been awhile since I had one. Four months later I got a Call from Dr. Bracca (sp?) who said my mammogram was really bad and I should come in. I thought it would be another mammogram, or ultra sound. I said I did not want anything invasive, to which she said it would not, but when Dr. Moon showed me test results, she said that if I were her mother, or daughter, she would have them get a biopsy. I agreed to the biopsy and she blindsided me with her comment about how she was thinking I seemed to have emotional problems because I guess I wasn't upset enough. It really made no sense. As I mentioned, I cried because I was missing you and wished you were there to comfort me. You make me feel safe. No matter if I were safe, or not, I want to feel that comfort you give me, even if I am dying. Knowing you are there for me, makes me feel good, even about dying. I know I will go to a better and safe place, if you are the one to send me off. I stopped fearing death, if you are there for me. I told the sweet angel I would always look after you. She took care of me too when I needed it.  Don't think me odd, she has done so much for me to feel more comforted about her looking after you too. It was a lovely bonding feeling. I believe in it, but even if it is only in my head, it worked. I get overwhelmed at times, like when I needed to say you could be in danger. I was out of my mind with worry and nothing would stop it.

Now, I am going to the very place I said I did not want to be. Please keep me safe, I need to see you again.