Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Your partner may engage in gaslighting behavior, making you feel you are crazy or forgetful; sabotage your relationship or other friendships; turn all the blame in the relationship towards you; or even deliver intense praise, followed by verbal abuse.
- Narcissists are self-obsessed and control others for their personal gain; they’re notorious for using a few specific tactics for getting and maintaining this control.
- First, narcissists guarantee success by targeting codependents: They also try to make others feel special using compliments and flattery.
- They then go on to play with difficult emotions like shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control over their victim.
- Narcissists also gaslight or practice master manipulation, weakening and destabilizing their victims; finally, they utilize positive and negative emotions or moments to trick others.
- When a narcissist can’t control you, they’ll likely feel threatened, react with anger, and they might even start threatening you.
Narcissists are self-absorbed. They often dominate conversations, manipulate their loved ones, and engage in deceptive behaviors for profit. You might try to steer clear of these disingenuous individuals, but you might also fall victim to their manipulation.
So, how do they accomplish this? How do narcissists control you? And how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
How Does a Narcissist Control you? 5 Manipulation Tactics
The best way to protect yourself from narcissistic behavior is to educate yourself — learn to identify their manipulation tactics, so you can steer clear or get out of their grasp. Here are 5 methods narcissists employ to control their targets:
1. They target codependents.
Narcissists often find success in controlling others because they target codependents. “Narcissists generally seek out those with codependency characteristics,” Relationship Expert Tom Gagliano explains. “The narcissist reinforces the codependent’s shortcomings where they are manipulated to believe everything is their fault or that they are responsible to fix any discomforts in the relationship. The partner becomes afraid of the narcissist to the point where they lose their sense of self by believing all of the narcissist’s distortions.”
2. They make you feel special.
These self-centered individuals also go out of their way to make others feel special—not because they genuinely value something about the individual but to manipulate them. “In their personal relationships, narcissists most often gain control over others by playing to a person’s (very understandable) desire to feel special and highly valued,” says Clinical Psychologist Forrest Talley. “The narcissist may say, for example, ‘Although I only just met you, it’s clear to me that you are exceptionally bright and capable. I have a very select group of people, much like yourself, that I like to keep in contact with… I want you to be part of that group. Just give me your phone number and I’ll add it to my secret black book.’ (Sound ridiculous? It is, but nevertheless, this is what one narcissist told me years ago… no, not a patient).”
3. They use shock, awe, and guilt.
Narcissists continue to gain control of the people in their life by eliciting difficult emotions. “After going through a period of ‘grooming’ someone for a close relationship, the narcissist moves on to use shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control,” Talley explains. “The shock and awe come from the over-the-top, emotionally charged tantrums that erupt when the friend (spouse or lover) has done something that disappointed the narcissist. Most normal people find such dramatic reactions exhausting and strange, therefore, they begin to work hard to avoid a repeat performance.”
4. They gaslight.
Narcissists are also commonly gaslighters as well, meaning that they are master manipulators. “Gaslighting is a tactic of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths,” Christine Scott-Hudson, Licensed Psychotherapist, explains. “It is a manipulative behavior designed for self-gain, and even for sport. It is designed to weaken, trick, and destabilize the victim. Gaslighters will deny they said something or did something that you know they said or did. They move through the world dishonestly.”
5. They play hot and cold games.
Finally, narcissistic individuals are also known to play games. “One of the ways that narcissists try to control you is by playing manipulative hot and cold games,” says Adina Mahalli, Master Social Worker. “One week, they’ll flatter you to get you to do what they want, and the next week, they’ll use aggression. The negative moments are interspersed with positive ones so that you might not even realize that you’re being manipulated. The only way to defeat this is to be cautious of the flattery and positivity when it comes. Take every action with a grain of salt, and don’t let the love-bombing be a form of bribery towards you. Niceties shouldn’t be conditional.”
How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?
As we mentioned before, if you’re aware of narcissistic behavior, you’re prepared to protect yourself from their manipulation. Others might fall victim to their behavior, then realize something isn’t right and wriggle free. In either case, the narcissist is going to be frustrated that they can’t control you and they’re most likely to react with anger — severe anger.
Many narcissists are self-absorbed as a result of their upbringing. It’s likely that the narcissists attempting to control you experienced control tactics themselves from their parents. Narcissistic parents dominate their kids’ lives, including their emotions. Not only does this model narcissistic behavior for their child, but it creates a yearning for control once they’re finally given a taste as they approach adulthood. Long story short, if they can’t control you or they lose control, they will feel threatened. And they’ll likely make threats of their own.
If you are threatened by a narcissist, verbally or physically, it’s time to set strict boundaries and end the relationship with the individual. Remember: Your health and wellbeing are on the line and that always takes priority.
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I had a daughter-in -law, who I think is a Narcissists, right from the start she would not let my son have his own best man, it had to be who she chose, her friends boyfriend, then when the grandchildren came along she cut me out of there lives and my son for 12yrs, she groomed my son to the extent. he became violent and aggressive towards me, (his mother), I asked my son, and his Partner to look after his little Brother 17yrs his junior. he was 29yrs and my little son was 12yrs, they tortured my little son, to the extent they didn’t speak to him, or give him any food, or took him with them when they went out, he had to walk the streets for 8 hrs with no food or water, he was so upset he went and asked one of the neighbors to care for him, my son is out of that marriage, but she is still controlling the children, I have a great grandson Teddy who I adore, last week in sainsburys I saw my granddaughter and she was complaining I don’t have teddy, her attitude was the same as when all those years ago, my son spoke to me, her mother is controlling her now, and it upsets me, my little son is 38yrs now, but he said looking back at what happened still hurts him, my eldest son has gone back to being a very Patient man and can’t say sorry enough, my youngest son speaks to him but will never forget what he allowed to happen on that day when he was 12yrs old, but she is still Controlling and manipulating.
I am familiar with a lot of what you have said, I was married to a narcissist, very controlling, secretive, angry at the world, how she wasn’t attacked by someone in the street I will never know. The catalogue of bad behaviour went on for decades, now with a new partner, long affairs, her new partner is easily manipulated i hear, perfect for her, she was very manipulative and controlling, the smallest of things she had to control, i could never care enough to confront her behaviour as this inflamed her more, i feel for your son and nothing was his fault, remember he had to live with her, must have been hell, give him room to recover his life, but unfortunately for you all she will use her children as a weapon, she will never change.
Same thing. I’m undermined belittled blamed for everything that has or does go wrong. Constant accusations of cheating,in every form you can think of. I’ve lost jobs,friends,family,and even myself. I try to seek help but can’t seem to get it. Plz.
Please look at Melanie Tonia Evans on narcissism on YouTube. She got me out of narcissistic abuse. All you can do, is detach and break free from these narcissists, otherwise they’ll destroy you. Fact.
Lockdown has made a lot of Narcs far worse; they lost control so are more likely to break the rules. After all, they are omnipotent, untouchable, above reproach, immune!
The family Narc is out of control in our case. Confrontation is only by ‘phone or her vital feed on social media, where she seeks constant approval and respect. When you can see the pathetic attempts to feel validated & you can read between the lines to find a sad, helpless person who actually feels deeply worthless, you can almost .. almost… forgive the lies & underhand, transparent manipulations, the aggression v shallow flattery, the utter denial, constant blame & judgmentalism. In the end though, if a set of behaviours are unacceptable & causing damage to many of your most loved people, you have to avoid them & their perpetrator, or you will all drown.
When you absolutely have to communicate, be polite, even pleasant but no not defer to
your Narc. Just Say “No!” And “No!” again. Politely but firmly. Have a reason to leave or end the call. Do not bite the bait dangled by the Narc. And whatever you do, don’t even think about calling them out. Saying “You are a Narcissist & a Control Freak” or even calmly asking them if they are aware of these facts will not result in a sudden confession or apology or even a soul-searching session on the part of the perpetrator. Oh No! It is grist to their mill & they will grind you down, gaslight you, call you paranoid, distrusting, judgmental.. how dare you say such a terrible thing? What qualifies you to make a judgment on them? You are not a therapist! You will be banished at most, regarded with disdain at least and vilified universally ( probably publicly on social media). Everyone else will be too frightened of the Narc to back you. So don’t bother.My family have a situation; our elderly mother is dying. We feel a duty to keep our Narc updated on our mother’s health. So we must therefore tolerate the rest of her controlling & demanding communications, at all hours, with all her judgments of our care of our mother, manipulations, pretence at care, interest in the Will,
attempts to control our mother’s affairs, care, finances & demands for money in advance. Our Narc is hindering an already deeply emotional process & making it about herself. It leaves a nasty taste. But we are supporting each other and our mother and simply keeping a lid on our negative personal emotions toward our Narc. Lies will out though, and some of the family are planning a time of reckoning. That will have no effect; when rejected, our Narc simply banishes her perceived opponent & changes the target. My proposal, to no one but myself, is to simply withdraw. To be unavailable to our Narc after our mother passes. This sounds harsh while someone is grieving.. but I don’t believe her crocodile tears will fool anyone. She will take whatever money is left and rush off to spend it on Narc pursuits, as always. So forgive me if I sound cynical; it’s because years of dealing with an unrestricted Narc have coloured my view.
My Mom is a narrsists with multiple personality disorder Shes literally destroyed my life.She has several.narrsistic personalities all are clever All abusive.I lost my kids my life has been destroyed ruined..Help
Same here I am just now getting out . It’s hard. But get in touch with a domestic violence shelter. Prayers go out for you .
i am a victim of a Narc she is my mother in law i cant get away from the abuse . but i do now know its happing after five years of suffering i am still suffering but trying to stand up too it and heal from it. i feel so sorry for my husband who was brought up by narcissist, mother.
I’m in the process of getting out of a very bad narcissistic relationship he’s had me locked down for 4 years and I had met him coming out of prison I did 3 years in prison for false charges on my narcissistic stepfather so figuring that I had a set that like that that I thought I would know what I was doing before I even warned me about this man but I guess my spirit animal is a bull because I love red flags anyways. Farting his baby mama in front of me yet after I took care of their child for the past 3 years having a Halloween party right in front of my face before I’m even moved out moving out next weekend thank God I had one person that came in my life to help me to get out of here at the right time cuz it’s getting worse and worse my advice is no contact stay away cuz they will never stop they will suck you dry and you will cry and cry and not know why
Move as far away as you can. Tomorrow. You don’t need stuff. Just peace of mind. Just get away from her. The world is full of lovely kind trustworthy humanitarians. Narcs.make us distrust everyone, but they are not a good example of humanity. Don’t let a bad example of what it means to be human rule the rest of your precious life; we only get one, in this form, so don’t waste any more of yours on this awful person. Even when
you leave, it will take years to get over the abuse, so start now. Make a plan & stick to it. Make sure your Narc can’t trace you. Close your bank account. Terminate your phone contract. Do NOT say you are going till you are long gone. Do not contact them for any reason & never from your new area. Post a letter as you leave. I mean it. You have to safeguard your mental health & your future.
Did exactly as advised . suddenly left , packed my bags , moved 200 mile north . No contact ,made sure that she could not trace me . Woke up one morning to notice that i was shedding tears of joy and not what i thought was tears of pain about losing her . Have never looked back,
I am 74 a widow of 3 years. A covert malignant narc moved next door 10 years ago and has been making life hell since, because we didn’t go for drinks when they moved in! Flying monkey moved in the other side and now I’m trapped, this chap is damaging my house to get me out because he wants it, no-one around here will come near I’m so on my own. How do I move out I own my home, he will compleatly destroy our home of 20 years. Who will help?
I am trying to get out of a narc relationship as well. I have moved to a safe place, but it has not been very long since we got married, but I have no financial resources to apply for divorce. I do not know what to do.
I came here because of curiosity because my daughter wants to stop smoking but has headaches when she tries. I was a little curious about what happens to people going through addiction withdrawal.
I know some things you can not do on your own power. I’m not addicted to drugs but I have struggled with sins. I know I can do anything when I call on the name of my Yeshua Jesus. He never fails. NEVER! Shalom
I have narcissistic parents.They abuses me for my whole life.
I am married to a narcissist. I have left him numerous times and he always plays the I’ll change card .well I left again and I took the car he gave me .that now he uses as a weapon .I called victim assistantance ,as hes been arrested once already for domestic violence, and they aren’t very helpful .I have no money nowhere to go I’m sleeping in the car he now wants back .I cant win for loosing .help
I am a male and a survivor of being in a very toxic marriage with 2 children, it took me 5 years to leave, I want to encourage you that there is always a way through, I am alive to prove this, I believed I was so useless that ending my life seemed the only way, but somehow I managed to survive, there are many ways, I do understand while you feel the way you do, you cannot see the way out, but there is, I don’t believe the only way is with Jesus, but it was the only way for me, the little sparrows don’t starve, stay safe, if you have access to the net which I presume you do there is a planet full of those that can help, reach out as you are doing, the help is there, if you cannot find those within your immediate area to help, reach out to the world, I live Australia, stay safe and Blessed.
Read the Book, Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.
This book saved me as sociopaths, Narcissists, and psychopaths always used cognitive dissonance saying, “You are crazy, you need help, you are mentally unstable, you need to see a psychologist.
In the mirroring/beginning stage everything he or she said someone else did to them, was actually what they did to other people. And once they have you hooked all the truth will come out. That’s when the real mental games come into play.
I hope this helps and you find the peace you are looking for!
How are you doing now are you still in the relationship?I hope you got out and got a good support team around you !!!
My daughters partners mother sound just like this.
Hi, I have a Mother who’s extremely awful, I know this sounds bad but it took me 46 years to get help Ii needed as she would have loved to watch me kill myself and drove me to extremes, I thought I was just brought up strict but it was complete narcissistic behavior, I literally had a nervous breakdown and after alot of therapy got better and moved over 350 miles away. Then my son who she turned against me and told him I never loved or wanted him and lied beyond belief rang me 5 yrs later asking me for help which I did, then he pleaded with me to speak to her which I literally shook and was terrified, I couldn’t do it. However, he was in a position some months later which made me speak to her and she pretended to be dying and very ill knowing I have alot of compassion I went and collected her to my house and nursed her to find she’s not that poorly, definitely not dying. Since then I collected her again because she said she could not walk, cook or anything just before Lockdown so I did the same again she’s still here with me and is completely awful as she used to be trying to turn my home into hers and I even lost my husband to cancer 31st March 2020 which she has no sympathy over and says he deserved it and is giving me grief for having his ashes in my house, allowing her dog to pee on all my carpets then saying, well you and your kids wrecked my carpets when you were young, it’s not my dogs fault. It’s dreadful as I feel like as I’m only child I need to look after her but same time I know she hates me and has admitted it because my dad never married her so she’s making me suffer even tho he’s dead for years. She says I owe her as she sacrifice her life for me. She’s soo full of hatred and bitterness, nothing I can do pleases her at all. I’m at my witts end, I sleep most of day to keep away from her picking on me and awake at night when there’s peace. I feel like intruder in my own home, she’s moved everything so I can’t find it, tells me I’m going crazy. I feel like she’s going to start to slap me around like when I was in my 40’s and all through my life until I moved away. Worse thing I ever did was speak and feel sorry for her. I cannot even grieve. She sent my friend and son out other day.
D* call the police on the lady. N get her a* out ur house if u don’t want her there. Or start doing the court thing just do what it takes to get her out of ur life..
Get her out! They are dangerous! A narcissist mother will stop at nothing to smear who she perceives as
non compliant. They will destroy your relationships, property and screw with you to not only vent their frustrations, but to get even. This is their passive aggression and many get vicious especially if they are not capable of expressing overt rage. Their rage is internalized and watch out!!! Been where you are and I could not help her. They enjoy being miserable and they have no use for what we perceive as normal interactions. Condescending, judgmental, apathetic, and cunning manipulators, They are also envious of their children especially daughters. Essentially, they are attracted to strength, goodness, talent and other positive attributes such as intelligence, however they want to absorb their prey like an amoeba. They focus on dismantling you and taking everything you have. Narcissist personality disorder is right up there with anti social personality disorder in the fact that those afflicted will never acknowledge they have a problem and therefore they go without treatment. If they seek help, they attempt to manipulate their therapist. I have been told they are treatment resistant. If you can’t get her totally out of your like and go no contact, then you need support on how to protect your boundaries, thus limiting your exposure to abuse.
OMG PLEASE listen to me… I have a narcissistic mother as well … and please hear me when I say PLEASE get her out of your home in into the 1st nursing home that you can find and never look back! I know that sounds horrible but… in my experience and in the experience of so many others, it’s a question of who’s going to survive it? You are her?? If she had to choose between you and herself…it would be her! You mean nothing to her… people are just things to be used to get whatever it is that they want because if she’s truly narcissistic she absolutely cannot love you, your children, or anyone else for that matter! She cannot love anyone but herself and she gets off on causing you pain ! It gives her great joy to cause you stress and turn your life in to utter chaos! You have to get her out of your life so you can begin to heal! You need to grieve for the mother that you deserve to never had come you need to grieve just everything that a mother should have been that you never got… it’s really hard work healing from narcissistic abuse but please … you can’t even begin to un-do the damage she’s done until she is gone out of your life and you have gone no contact
My heart goes out to you. You are being used & abused in your own home by this old witch. Get her out put out. She will drain you if your right to a peaceful life. None of what happened to her is your fault; you must must must believe that. And you do not have to follow the path she has chosen for you. Love & a huge hug to you.
Look be strong and know this you need to take care of yourself first!you are important and special!Please put distance between you and your Mother!for your well being.You will never change her trust me so you can only change yourself and be in control of yourself!there is alot of good in this world and people as well so get out of the house and get busy with your life!!!!!
I am in a married relationship of 22 years. It has been living hell with my wife that has very strong narcissist behavior. I cannot engage her in any way that is intimate because aurguments start if it something she doesn’t like. She tries to control every situation that deals with family most personal things. I very thing talked about gets turned to her and her experience. The kids have stopped engaging her or limit their time with her because of the self consumption. She has pulled people that are relationships start d by me in bad mouthing and insinuating things that she has no fact or proof about me. I have taken que from the kids and so not talk to long. Get out of the room before conversation turn sour also do not answer questions when it has to do with argumentative subject. Always demands and threats when things are not done her way. Most of the request really do nothing, she will stomp and cry out that I don’t care but when providing that drastic thing missing she goes silent and wait for another episode. So what I have done is only pay attention to those things that are critical and not the rant and compulsive I need. In the end she will single hand keep us broke. She can not see this even after all we have been thru. Enough I have taken control of finances and we each get half after bills are paid. I would like to find support group that I could contribute and also get personal support. Also I would like the kids 14 and 18 to get guidance on a support group for them.
I hear you brother! I am going through almost the same thing with my wife of 17 years. She thinks the world owes her something and has been trying to control me. If I am walking in the streets with her and another woman walks by, I have to look the other way or look to the floor because right away is an argument. I can’t even be on the computer in peace because she is always coming in and out of the room pretending she’s looking for something or if she is sleeping, she’ll so-call “Toss and Turn” and act like something on her body bothers her so she can have the excuse to wake up and see what I am doing. She swears that she is always right no matter what, constantly threatens me that she is going to kick me out and this is just too much for me to handle. I know what you are going through and hopefully you can get things worked out for you.
A guy on Instagram started texting me a long time ago and I didn’t think much of it but then he asked for my snapchat and I gave it to him… he would message me consistently and I wondered why he liked me so much he would respond immediately and so I finally started giving him my attention I can’t remember why I didn’t in the first place.. anyways I talked to him every once im a while and I started to get used to him and one day when I was having a bad day I told him about it and he was nice he asked if we could video chat and he would say really nice things to me and then he would try and tell me how I felt and I was honestly so shocked and I couldn’t talk very much because I live with other ppl and I didn’t want them to hear me so I honestly was just surprised over a lot of things he said and he made it seem so normal and then when we ended it and I thought about what he said for a while… things like oh I won’t judge you for your body not being attractive and I’ll be the only guy who accepts you and basically told me that I was desperate for someone and that there was something wrong with the way I looked but yet right after he would say that he would say but I love that about you. And so it just kind of offended me so I texted him and told him that I’m not desperate for someone to like me and that I don’t need a guy and I love my body then he said ok and said that that wasn’t what he was trying to say. Anyways he’s talked to me a lot since then we’ve video chatted a bunch of times but something always just feels off to me my gut is just screaming stay away. And he makes me feel like I can’t leave him or he will hurt himself he told me he loves me and he wants to be my boyfriend and that he plans on moving to the state where I live and buying land here and he wants us to live together and do all these things and he makes all these promises like he’ll treat me so good and that he thinks that he should please the woman before having sex and make her c** first and It sounds really nice to me because a lot of guys don’t do that and they don’t even know how I guess it’s just that most ppl think sexual pleasure is just the guy getting pleasure. I mean I don’t know about other girls but having a d*** jamm into you isn’t the best feeling especially when your not really all the way aroused it can hurt because your not relaxed and it’s just expected of girls to just be quiet and she and like everything the guy does when the fkn guy doesn’t know what he’s doing. Anyways I got off course he would day things like that he wanted to please me first and then he would say I bet you’ll just want to only please me all the time and i was just like what that’s not what you said the other minute… that’s what I thought but I hate arguing and I think he uses that against me because he knows I’m not comfortable arguing back so he just tells me how he thinks I am and how he thinks I feel. He doesn’t ask questions to get to know me he makes statements to say how I am supposedly and I just sit there like wtf rolling my eyes and he just plays dumb and I know he knows what he’s doing and I’m finally realizing he is a narcissist he says things like you can’t ever hurt me or I’ll hurt myself and the makes me feel so damn guilty for everything I’m just questioning myself now and I’m not sure if he is a narcissist but something is just off for me I always know my gut always tells me and I’ve been in a lot of bad situations when my intuition was like somethings off and I feel it now… I mean I’m just so afraid and I don’t know why so I’m just gonna have to block him but it’s so hard for me because I don’t wanna be mean and also I feel so guilty because he claims he loves me but I know I need to because it’s just not right I can feel it and the other reason it’s hard is because I was do in love once with a guy that I did talk to online or atleast I thought I was in love, but in reality I was just addicted to talking to him I I know it sounds weird but he was the first guy I talked to in a romantic way after I got out of a cult and he opened me up to a whole new world and I think he was also a narcissist or just very egotistical he told me I wasn’t worthy of him and stupid s*** like that but I was so addicted to the way he made me feel with the things he would say I felt like he understood me more than anyone or anything else and I was very lonely at that time. But he ended up blocking me because I made him angry once and just never cared so I was so hurt because we had been talking every day for like 6 months and it was just so heartbreaking for me so thats why I feel guilty about if I break his heart and he goes and gets himself killed in the military. I don’t know why it’s my fault but that’s the only thing keeping me from blocking him but also that’s the main reason I know I need to because it’s obviously not how love is supposed to work is by guilt tripping someone or threatening them ita just really stirring wirh my emotions and if you read this than plz tell me what you think. I know im not crazy
Julie…. im almost the same as you in every way!
Last year January 2020,i started sexting a guy online. HE was the 1 who started it all; suddenly sending me loads of compliments ( of a sexual nature) & telling me his fantasies & how i was the sexiest woman in existence…i fell for it! I loved our dirty messages/photos etc etc… but after 3 months ? He said his partner saw our messages….so he had to stop chatting for a while…. i was upset at the time because he made me feel amazing. I knew he had a partner & i shouldn’t have got involved. But he charmed me. I kind of knew we would likely never meet…but he told me all the sexual things we would do together when he can find a way to meet me… i was really hooked by his charm & i felt so sad for literally months of him ignoring any messages i sent him… looking back, i hate that i made myself look desperate for contact from him again! But as time passed, i slowly got over it…then a few months ago he suddenly started messaging me again. I played it cool this time…soon, he started up all the flattery again.. he said he was going to be in MY home town in a couple of weeks- apparently hewas away from his home town for a week for work reasons & wanted to meet me for a night of passion. I agreed that i would TRY…i did NOT agree immediately that i would be able to meet up….but for 3 weeks, i fell for it again & jumped through hoops trying to arrange meeting him for a night!
He waited a week then said he couldn’t do the day we had agreed,so i kept desperately changing dates to suit him…every time, he would agree to a date to meet…then suddenly cancel again…i now believe he never had any intention of meeting up. I believe he was just using me , so that he could always be the one who made the rules…. bet he loved it! Watching me message him desperately trying to meet him,i think he loved always being the one who had the control over the decisions!
So we didnt meet, but we started sending explicit messages again for the 3 weeks he was away from home. He said we would have to not contact each other too frequently once he was home…. so i played it cool! I messaged him 5 days after he was home & he didn’t reply…. i left it a few days, & i noticed he was online looking for me hoping I’d beg for attention again! But i didn’t! So he messaged me… started asking for sext texts again… one night, he asked me to video & perform one of his fantasies for him…like a fool, i said I would…later that eve, we arranged that i would send him the fantasy video I’d made him…. but when i went to send it i asked if it was safe to send it without his partner finding out, he suddenly went offline
So i sent a couple of messages asking when to send my video…thank god i didnt send it because i would’ve felt like such a mug!!! The morning after, he said no contact for a while as his partner was suspicious ( total lie as always was!).. i asked if he wanted the video & he said not for now…. so i replied with a cheery ” haha no problem ?” . Never again will i fall for his narcissist ways!! I know now that he only wants to use me when away from home; also i think he hasnt actually got the balls to actually meet me! It was all just temporary online fun to him ,with no intention of speaking to me until next time he’s in my area!
So he will get a shock next time he is working near where I live! Im going to play that narcissistic individual right back! At his OWN GAME!!!
Reason being that i wasted a lot of time making that video for him,only to be told he doesn’t want it for now!!!
So he shall hopefully be on the RECEIVING END of narcissistic behaviour…from ME!! Next time he starts us up again? I’m going to agree to meet ups & then keep saying sorry i have to cancel etc…also never will i let him see that video i wasted my time making for him!
LAST YEAR when he played me, it hurt me. But this year? Yeah; it hurt a bit. But this time? I’m NOT going to contact him first, nor shall i respond next time he messages me! I will never agree to anymore online fun & definitely will never ever give him ANYTHING!!!
Julie; don’t accept such a person again …even when they try sweet talking you again!! Narcissists HATE it when someone plays them back…& wins!!!
My daughter in law is the same.
We haven’t seen our son for 6 years and our 2 grandsons.
I’ve messaged him a few times but he ignores them.
I’m hoping he leaves her eventually.
She also is manipulated by her mother.
My son can’t see it.he will open his eyes one day
Julie, he’s a narc, run for the hills. He sounds just like my husband. Especially with all the heavy future faking used as love bombing.
I am gong through the same thing with my son and my daughter in law, he does not see it. So very sad. She said you have lost your son and I asked my son if that is true, he hung his head and did not answer, when we tried to have her parents mediate. She answered and said the 2 are one and I am speaking for him. She controls, manipulates and everything I have read about it and looking at our situation she is a hoovering female naricissist. They lived with us for awhile, and some days were good and other days were not, the ups and downs and the control she has over my son is truly heartbreaking and now she will be keeping our 3 beautiful grandchildren from us and is seperating him from us. She claims we are toxic but the only toxic I see is her. Faking, love bombing, going out clubbing and leaving her husband home to watch the kids. My son does everything for here, he is a very good man. I felt it in the beginning but I did not want to lose my son behind not speaking up, now that I have I have lost him anyway while going through hell. She caims my husband is a narrissist and her ex-husband is, but looking at everything that has transpired in this home, the description fits her. She also has a shoppig addiction and does not handle the finances properly, heart breaking, it trulyis. I have questioned myself and went out of my way to try and help and it all is thrown back at me, making me think I am messed up. In my heart now I now this is not true. I have broke down and cried but realize I am powerless in this situation, let go and let God is all I can do. It is so heart breaking.
I am reading this and realizing I have been in the same relationship for 12 years now, my husband passed away , I met this new man who is law enforcement he was wonderful fir the first few years , then I noticed this angry manipulative. Emotionally abusive person. I walked on egg shells for a long time . I’m confused and always thinking everything is my fault . Literally I get along with everyone, he runs weirder very high in mood or very low , I never know which mood he will be in . If he gets mad at me for something and half the time I don’t even know why , he will then use my grown kids when we visit by coming off rude to them and not talking , until he feels like it . I always think he will change . Am I loosing my mind?
I am a widow and my son and daughter in law were who have two small children were living in my home. My daughter in law law has always resented me.My personal possessions began disappearing and she hascontinually denied knowing where they are but hints that I just don’t remember where I put them. It is like they never existed because I never see them again.
When I try to talk to my son he gets annoyed and says that I just don’t like her.
She has taken things with very sentimental value which is heart breaking. She just looks me straight in the face and lies to me.
Recently she took something of great financial and sentiment value. It was a collection that it took my husband years to complete.
She and my son were having some issues and she moved out but they will be back together again.
At any rate I don’t know what to do about the abuse. She already has my son thinking there is something wrong with my memory and I know if I bring it up she will cut off contact with my grand children but I don’t want her in my home ever.
What should I do? It just upsets me so much to have her anywhere near me but I don’t want to be cut off from the children. My son will take her side as she has him totally convinced I am wrong and bad for making accusations. She even took all my baby picture. I just don’t believe she has conscience.
Any suggestions?
You just described my daughter in-law. My son is still with her after 20 years. He no longer is allowed to have anything to do with his side of the family, including his nephews. He does sneak and call his brother occasionally, but not often. I finally had to cut my son out of my life as well as his 11 year old daughter. My only granddaughter. My heart breaks over it everyday but I could no longer deal with the abuse. I seemed to be her favorite target. We were always a very close family and I never ever dreamed I would not have a relationship with my youngest son. His father passed 8 years ago and they weren’t speaking to us then. They would do that off and on all the time with no reason. My son told me after his father died that he blamed me because he no longer had a relationship with his father when he died. I asked him who he will blame when I die. No response. Anyway, all this has made me have extreme trust issues. I don’t trust anyone or anything anymore for fear of being hurt. I’m 66 have no friends, very little family and live a completely isolated life. It’s horrible. I see a therapists but it doesn’t seem to help. I guess I’ll just continue to pray as always.
Yeah. My girlfriend I met online is moving here with me as soon as this covid is taken care of to open world wide plane flights. I’m 46 yrs old and my mom and dad love to treat me like I’m stupid and don’t know what I’m doing. Any time we talk they want to cut me down for anything I did in the past. Just the other day they stole my microwave there next door neighbor gave me. They bought one that was broken and I told them about my microwave. I moved out over there controlling me. I went back to get my microwave step dad and real mother stated they bought it. They will not look on there account to prove they bought it when that is not possible because they did not. Then step dad said he is keeping my 3 15×3 sheets of stainless steel I got free from the work I do. They stole 6 fishing poles and said how do u know they r it’s? That is so stupid. If u don’t know what u buy and had over 12 yrs ur not all there. Any conflict they cut me down for my past. I can’t deal with a thriving family. U can’t get into an argument with them because they say don’t u yell at me. They can cause all types of problems but I cannot get even little mad at them. They explode in anger. Step dad takes what belongs to me by force. I had shoulder surgery and took advantage of that stealing my things. I’m a professional carpenter for 32 yrs step dad tells me how to hold a saw. I have a killing more experience than he does. He was navy pilot and retired flying for FedEx. He is retired from both. They think the world rotates around them. They don’t like me because I’m very skillful putting him to shame. They both so negative. Step dad a deacon in the Catholic Church will a evil spirit inside of him. He is a false prophet.
Not thriving but thieving
By the way my girlfriend works at a mentally challenged people of all ages. She told me they both r narcissistic. I looked it up and wow a lot what it says is them a lot not them. They like social gatherings and put on a great persons front. Never live with them if struggling. Demons will come out controlling u. I bought a Chevy Z71 and mom cut me down for it a lot. I didn’t buy what she wants me to buy. They will not let me be my own person. I disowned them for there greediness and controlling attitude.
Go with your gut/your intuition is never wrong. His actions are not your responsibility. Your happiness and well being are what’s most important t for YOU. Good Luck.,,,be brave and do what’s best for you first and foremost else
Hi Lana I hope your feeling better in such difficult times. I haven’t seen my son for 6 months and a baby grandchild for 6 months I had a break down after finally seeing what was going on with my sons partner. Yes my son became aggressive towards me it broke my heart not keeping in touch fully in lockdown even though he had a father at risk and not keeping in touch with his sister a very ill young woman. We all felt we were walking on egg shells. Our son has become withdrawn lacks confidence totally changed sometimes withdrawn sometimes angry thankfully sometimes loving. But my mind just couldn’t keep track of what was going on so much so I ended up with pycosis with the stress trying to second guess what was going on it made so ill . It has taken me six months to get better to try and come to terms with the fact that I may have lost my son and grandson for ever due to a controlling horrid woman she just couldn’t understand love or empathy or other peoples stress that she has caused due to her insure sick controlling mind. I hope that through the years there have been times when you have found peace and love and i hope with all my heart you carry on finding that love you so deserve.
had a narcissist that lovebombed me then conflict came (they put up the big wall of silence and I put my wall of defense because their dog viciously attacked my dog with no remorse and they blamed/shamed me called me selfish and disrespectful etc… typical text book response). Then next day, its over they said. They started painting me as the evil one. So, since she put me in front of her family over xmas on zoom I thought I’d reach out to the family and tell them what really happened. I emailed the mom and asked the mom – does leah have money problems and mental health issues as she just loved bombed me and wanted me to sign a lease with her yet her dog just viciously attacked my dog and I got blamed! the mom gave me a three thumbs up and agreed. The brother did the same then apologized for the sister’s actions. He said, you’re lucky she didn’t take you to the cleaners as she has a temper. I then sent some friend’s of her’s an email as I met some of them and warned them of her taking advantage of people as she constantly seeks attention for stuff. She married a 50 year old when she was 28 and milked the guy. So, I emailed him as well to find out more. Letting everyone know what she just did to me with love bombing and gaslighting nearly tangling me into a lease for a year. I’m sure this conflict would have came sooner or later then I’d be stuck paying the lease!!! ouch. Anyhow, to top off the fantasy island gone to hell I emailed the family and told them of the circus of a time we had at my hotel then told them that Leah should be tested for an STD, just to put the cherry ontop of things. She had 0 boundaries in that regards.
I have a fiancé now and it seems that I’m blamed for everything. My friends(which I don’t have anymore) my family which include my brothers. I have always been so independent and from the beginning I have always told him I just wanted him to love me for who I am and respect me. Well he tends to find always something wrong with me. He tells me that all I want to do is be free and which I’m not. I have a busy job as well as he does. I’m always with him no matter what, other then when I go home to shower in the morning to get ready for work, come let my dog out, gym, which we go to the same gym, work and go through my mail if so. He says I use my house as an escape which I don’t feel I do. He told me I thrive on drama which I don’t feel that I do with family and friends mostly my family. Well I have discussed this issue with my family and not to call me or get me involved with issues the family is having. He has told me as far as my parents they can always call me as long as it had nothing to do with drama. Well now my mother feels like she can’t call me so we don’t argue or cause issues between us. He told me all he wants is to come home to someone everyday, wake up to next to someone everyday and of course put him first before anything or anyone else. I have a 22 year old son that I raised on my own since he was 6 because we lost his father due to a fatal accident. He’s a great kid never no problems but my son also doesn’t contact me because he doesn’t want to cause issues as well, which him and I have a very strong bond. But since my fiancé and I have been together he knew my son wouldn’t call me or cause issues because he feels that adults should stand on their own and that I respect. Are these all signs of Narcs?? I just don’t know what to do or what to say anymore because he’s always telling me when I do say something words mean everything to him so I’m forever thinking of what to say before o even speak so it doesn’t come out wrong. Right now I’m not at his place he has asked me to get out once again so I have. So right now I’m lost without words or where and what to do from here.
Hi MG,
I just read what you wrote in. From everything you shared, it seems this “fiance” is already creating a life of isolation for you and you’re not even married. Ask those close to you, your son, family and friends if they think he’s good or bad for you. There is wisdom in a multitude of counelors. People close to us can often see things that we don’t see and vice-versa.
I also raised my son without his father and we too have a wonderful bond. I’m not married but I would not marry anyone who would come between me and my son, family and friends. Healthy relationships are supportive not devisive. It’s a good idea to ask yourself how you feel when you’re with this man who is your fiance. If you feel happy, content, you can be yourself, loved for who you are, relaxed, valued, validated, listened to then it’s a good relationship. But on the other hand, if you feel afraid to say the wrong thing, are analying yourself because he’s critical of you, nervous to have an argument, often anxious then all these feelings are like a red light flashing on the dashboard of your car which means, “Stop,” “Pull Over,” something’s wrong. Our feelings serve as a barometer letting us know when something is not right. Hope this helps.
I read your story, you posted it on my birthday last year. That is some awful stuff to do to a child… hopefully the two brothers can let it be a thing of the past!
I have been dealing w my gf oc 6 and half years ,in the last year esp,w bringing an e treme nar assissit. I left to get my life together in Nov 2019,I told no one.i knew she may start seeing others.well 4 months later I call, scca has upset but I tell her what and why,she says she is seeing s ok meone.well we hook back up,but really not till bout June did it become regular though I refused to call her my gf.her friends said she was losing it w me gone,they weren’t kidding. So she stays w me,one year ago this week.my bday today,she doesn’t get or do anything for me,not even happy bday,tells me get over it. Didnt kiss me,nothing.she tells me to go to store,when I get back we will mess round,well ido,hr later shes playing on her phone,I lean In,she pulls back saying i changed my mjnd.i finally said g yr stuff ready,uber on it’s way. 2 weeks later the other guy has tried to get in her pants,she stopped w him bc me,or whatever.he gets her drunk,she texts,asking to come over,I say no. She says f you .then I get call after call of her saying s*** like I dont love tou,want you,I’m scared of u,getting pop. I’ve never hurt her ever.i find out he was telling her what to say,was upset. Well she says sorry but I stopped talking for 2 weeks. I refuse to say we are dating,she tells me she trying to hurt me. She finally got better in august,stYed w me. Sept at end was begining of end.shed accuse me of leaving vm saying stuff I didnt,would pick smallest thing to get mad bout,but really mad,like 3 buck pack of cigs I smoked whole pack in 7 hrs.i was like why are you this mad? I’ll give u 3bucks.shed mumble stuff bout hating me, I got to point i wanted no gifts from her,she orders online alot.i had her cancel alotshe got sex toys asked me what I’d like to try w her,said nothing bc she was yelling and screaming 30 min earlier bout nothing,so I associate those things w that. Then it started causing me to avoid zex bc I’d get sick if she tried.i refused oral everytime since dec. She was t.c trying to angway she could bc it was bout power now. We split got back split. This last time accusing me of taking 5 quarters off her shelf ones I found. I said don’t steal but you do.she says I’m done,I said I’ve been done,I cant stand you,i am not attracted go you.idk why I’m here.bo rdd ed. She and i met at mall few times,but i feel nothing.its sad bc first few years,people loved us together
Terrible experiences Ive had with narcissistic men. The are so subtle that I don’t realize that I slipped again, until the last phase, when they appeare and dissapear withouth notice. I’ve been in therapy many years and as soon as I get a little distracted I’m again in the same ship.
I’m a narc victim
I’m not allowed or was not allowed to talk on phne or watch TV only 30mns
At a time.
Wanted all my attention not allowed to see friends ect
Was losing them left n right.
My neighbors don’t even speak anymore.
Always my fault not their fault.
Always trying to mess with my mind n divert everything
Like I’m dying inside.
A narc at its best
OMG ! THANK GOD !! I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS JUST SAVED !! I HAVE A MALE NARCISSISTIC HUSBAND !!! OMG !! A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE LAST NIGHT I MESSAGED HER TO CALL ME, I TOLD HER WHAT I WAS FEELING AND AT THAT MOMENT SUICIDLE AND HAD THE MEANS TO MAKE SURE I WOULD SUCCEED !!! BUT JUST AT THAT MOMENT, SHE CALLED ME, I TOLD HER HOW MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN TREATING ME AND DOING THINGS TO ME AND 2 HRS ON THE PHONE, SHE BROUGHT IT TO MY ATTENTION THAT HE IS A NARASISTIC PERSON AND SHE LIVES FAR FROM ME. SO TODAY I LOOKED UP WHAT A NARSASIST AND DISCOVERED THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME !!! I MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT ALIVE AND TODAY I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE HAS BEEN DOING TO ME, SHOCKED THE LIFE LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHNING TO REALIZE SHE IS RIGHT !! I AM GOING TO GET OUT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE, THANK GOD FOR MY TRUE FRIEND !!
HOW COULD I NOT REALIZE WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME ??? LISA
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. If you are at risk of hurting yourself or others, please immediately call 911 or go to the nearest Crisis Center or Emergency Room. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, available 24 hours a day: Call 1-800-273-8255.
Much appreciated information, kind regards. Keep safe
I just had to send a heartfelt thankyou! Finally what I have been living with for what seems like a lifetime grom my daughter has been explained and I am free.
I find the subject of narcissistic behavior fascinating, because it helps a victim to cope with the situation that victimizes the person who is not aware of what is happening . A relationship can quickly deteriorate into a toxic situation if one is not aware of the manipulations that the narcissist practices in order to control their partner.
W even though I no he is a narcissist I still feel love for him.I no I’m going to leave the relationship, is this feeling normal. I also recent him
Yes it is normal, You are in what is called a trauma bond so even though you are being abused and you know you are and you realise it is wrong because the abuse is so confusing you may feel like you want to stay and try and fix the relationship.
This is a clear sign you are being abused and you should see it as an expected feeling as you move through the stages of removing the narcissist from your life.
Hi I am in just ugh over reading these things I’m in the same boat. Husband started making friends at each gas station in town went as far as flirting with them in front of me to giving his #.something felt off.So what do I do what any suspicious wife would.i found the prove s* was going on as I work a 40 hr a week job.texting this girl 4am as I sleep. I went to confront girl and he sneakily had me arrested with some made up story because he was caught out still having to go to court till this day all because I called out this narssis.really I just dont know what to do
Lisa, I’m so happy you figured him out and are taking care of yourself. Have been with my narc 20 years. We have 4 kids. I only learned about narcs this last year and my mind is blown. How can they all be so similar in tactics, it’s insane to me. He has been this way since we began dating, I just always thought I will try to do better so he has nothing at all to get upset about. Lord help me if I do anything not to his expectations.
My ex wife was the complete narcissist, totally controlling in every way, killing me slowly with her smothering way, slowly over time sh wrecked my life, now moved on to another, thank god, but, i feel so sorry for the new man, i wish him well, he will need it. My research threw up the way professionals talk about narcissists, Cluster A, B and C, my wife was so much like a B it was like reading about my wife from a report that was compiled by someone who had known her for decades, society needs to talk more openly about these people and how they inflict so much damage on those around them. I have included some of the research that told me so much, too late for me, but his will hopefully help others.
Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Antisocial personality disorder
Disregard for others’ needs or feelings
Persistent lying, stealing, using aliases, conning others
Recurring problems with the law
Repeated violation of the rights of others
Aggressive, often violent behavior
Disregard for the safety of self or others
Impulsive behavior
Consistently irresponsible
Lack of remorse for behavior
Borderline personality disorder
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes
Histrionic personality disorder
Constantly seeking attention
Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention
Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up
Easily influenced by others
Shallow, rapidly changing emotions
Excessive concern with physical appearance
Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are
Narcissistic personality disorder
Belief that you’re special and more important than others
Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness
Failure to recognize others’ needs and feelings
Exaggeration of achievements or talents
Expectation of constant praise and admiration
Arrogance
Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others
Envy of others or belief that others envy you
I want to thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry that you had to go through this. Your research is helping me to identify a lot of things that I currently see in my girlfriend. We were married, but got annulled. The main thing I see with my GF is that she freaking loves to control. OH, MY LORD ALMIGHTY…DOES SHE LOVE TO CONTROL!!
anyway, thank you. I am struggling immensely to get out from being at the bottom of all the things I have done to: sabotage our married, steal and destroy all her dreams, dragged and duped her into marriage, and the list goes on and on.
I truly need help, as I am.striggling with the trauma bond, part of this all.
20 years of, ‘something just ain’t right’, tho it “appears to be almost perfect”, still things feel ‘off’, so sly and capable of being so sweet, kind and giving, when (he is up to no good), if I question, have an opinion, or request validation for part in our success Oh crap what an attitude he gets. I learned of all this narcissistic, gaslighting, manipulative behavior over 2 years ago(I puked my heart out! But, due to my health, BECAUSE of HIM intentionally destroying me physically, emotionally and mentally, so as to NOT BEABLE TO LEAVE, I feel as tho I am still in shock of the reality of it all…Guh! They are at their happiest, when we are sick,sad and miserable! He knows I know exactly who and what he is now, after shoving me down, cracking my a* and sciatic nerve damage since 2005, yanking a strong leather purse I had over my shoulder and neck in 2014( haven’t been able to wash my hair without crying ever since 7 mm displaced, wore a black eye with cracked facial bone 4+ months, then later STOMPED my head, heard cracking, scared him, so he stopped, destroyed my foot this past April, still hurts constantly, told me his life is more important and valuable than mine(yet admits he would be dead(drugs), if it wasn’t for me. So much unbelievable BS. I hate where i have allowed myself to be, who i have become.
Oh dear, Jam. I feel so sorry for you and hope you went to the hospital after enduring abuse so there is a record. You would be better off in a Women’s Shelter….they help you start a new life apart from the abuser. I relate to you because I am a financial hostage with a narcissistic man. My bruises are inwards, not obvious. Emotional abuse, silent treatments and financial control. I keep buying lottery tickets, hoping to win and start my perfect little world. Don’t take on the guilt, it’s not you, it’s HIM. I am in counselling to deal with this. I hope the best for you.
This guy’s your fiancé?! Get out of that mess now! You obviously have a place of your own alert that you can escape to and sounds like if you ditch the insecure Bully your family and friends will totally be there to support you. You said you are independent, you work, and you seem very intelligent! Never ever let a man’s presence in your life come between you and your child. So what if your son’s an adult! You tell that bullying controlling creep to get to steppin! He knows you’re better than him, stronger, smarter, and loved! That’s why he is trying to take all of that from you because he doesn’t have it himself and it makes him feel more powerful to try and cut everything and everyone out of your life because he’s a loser! He is so jealous of you and everything you’ve accomplished. He only knows how to use tactics most people stop using in middle school. I bet you’re beautiful too…just saying! Men like that feel more manly or something having a woman with so much to offer. But once they have her they freak out because they know pretty much anybody is better than them and could take you in a heartbeat. And they should. Good luck to you sister! I know this was a late response but I was scrolling through and read this and my blood boiled. Be strong! You’re a queen so don’t give him Another ounce of your power. Take back your power girl and show him he is right about one thing, he is just as worthless as he feels inside.
Well, my Narasasist had me Targeted for High Tech Spying. My Life is Ruined. Have Evidence But no will help.
Cher, can you share more on this tech spying. I am going through that right now. If youd prefer, i can share my email.
God is for us, He gave you that revelation.
All fine and good…we know it well, 3 of us serve on a BOARD for our condo association…we are being sued by this type of a person for 1 1/2 years now. So, your advice to leave the situation does not apply! Negotiations just lead to more manipulation, lies, distortions, and other ridiculous bullshit! No end in sight and no way out! We know who we’re dealing with, we have no power in this situation. Held hostage and fed up!