I hope you will contact me when this thing is over. Might that be possible?

Why are people at K such cowards? I mean really. why not look for solutions to problems and not make an attack against an innocent person? Also, people who do criminal acts are supposed to be investigated, not helped to further their atrocities! They do not want to face that what some people have done is tantamount to insane acts.

How are you doing? Are you having to work? I hope not. I feel bad saying it, but it is my heart talking. I want to keep you safe and happy forever. If you do not agree, I would still be available at all times.

I may go out and forage some greens today, unless it rains. I was out with my doggie yesterday and a couple from the complex walked up the hill toward me and said hello, and stopped for a moment to talk about the thunder/lightening storm the night before. It was intense and amazing. It was basically 18 miles away, but it sounded and looked up close. (I counted the moments after the flash to determine the distance). The woman said she was praying for me. I said, "oh, you heard about the breast cancer? She said no, "I was just praying for you as a neighbor." I said, "that is lovely, thank you!" She knew my name and I did not know hers. I was too embarrassed to admit it, but I should have. Next time, it will be harder to ask. 

With the cruelty of Trump and the virus, people are naturally on edge.

This has been a very cruel time. Now, with this breast cancer subject, I am being pressured to come in early to have surgery. I cannot trust them. I think they would either kill me, or leave me as a vegetable. I have lived a long 5 years of Hell. It seems it is not over.
You are all I care about.

I love you.

I would like to escape from the world's troubles for awhile..... with someone I love.....

You know summer is nearly here when you smell the first dead, or angry skunk smell permeating the air. It always seems like people are smoking pot.....although that could be true too, esp in Mendocino County.  :-)

Something I am taking makes my stomach growl. Even when I hadn't planned on eating, goes loudly rumbling like the storm last night. I left some blankets out there to freshen up and take advantage of free water. When it rains again for a more sustained period, I will put some detergent (Earth friendly) on them to wash them.

I wish I did not have to miss the birthday. That hurts. So many have gone by and I feel really bad each time. It has been very hard.

Have a lovely and blessed day!

Deep rumbling thunder.....proceeded by lightening. Nice change.

Will you help me get well? You are the only person I trust.  One of the panel doctors said to me, "You have been through so much." He is the only person to say that to me. I only want to get well to see you again. That is my heart's motivation. We have both been through so much. I want to hug your cares away.

The doctors were kind and said, "you've really been through a lot." That was so considerate.

I spoke with a group of doctor's today who are following up on my case. They were very kind and supportive. There will be follow up later. They will request more info from K.

When you were in my life, I felt so much joy, like any bad disappeared and life was beautiful. It was like I could withstand anything, do anything. Your face was my strength, my happiness, my Heaven.

• I am tired of a life without you.

https://parkseed.com/cart.aspx

I joined a French wine club with a french wine store in France, just to see their specials and all the interesting wine names and to feel a part of a French experience. It is not to be pretentious, just to feel a part of that lovely place. 
It is funny that Jacques  Pépin said that he makes soup most often with everything left in the fridge. (I do that too). 
Anthony Bourdain said he loves(d) Popeye's mac and cheese.  Wow!

1:30 pm, 2nd opinion. I don't know if the records might be someone else's. Was the radiologist just hurting me for her loyalty to her fellow physician? I believe so. How am I supposed to believe the surgeon might not feel the same way? She keeps saying she wants me to come in sooner than what she had originally said, for surgery. That bothers me. I need an advocate to be there to observe.

Watching an interview of Jacques  Pépin by Anthony Bourdain. I am actually able to watch him again and not feel too terrible, but I keep thinking, WHY?

I have no doubt that those people would kill.....another person.

I don't know everything about you, but I know enough.....to know I love you.

Wild Edibles with Sergei Boutenko | Learn How to Forage for 25 Tasty Plants

https://sergeiboutenko.com/download/free-download-wild-edibles-cheat-sheet/


Segei also has a very nice YouTube program.

Watching a few YouTube programs on wild edible plants. I would like to try foraging. I have said I would like to have my own ability to find food. Grow my own veggies, chickens for eggs and go fishing. I am being optimistic about the future.
****Ann Wigmore: wheatgrass, grass.

I am going to overhaul my physical life and build up my endurance.

I just want to get away from all the crazy, the lies, the cruelty and find peace, caring. beauty and love.

I was thinking the med I was given might be good for alliviating the lipedema, but I am not sure the good outweighs the bad. Too many ugly risks, like heart problems, bone density, tooth issues, etc. Not a fan. Will kick it to the curb after I find out what is actually going on....unless I die first.....nah, I believe I will be okay. (I hope) 😢

I have been feeling bitter today. I have not been able to sleep well enough, so I get headaches and crummy feeling. I plod along, but get tired. I guess the med is responsible for that. My house remains a mess. I feel anxious about it. I would love to shed all the worries and upset. Seeing you would clear my mind and create happiness.

If I thought my loved one were being harassed, I'd be right there at their side showing support!  I strongly believe I wasn't the target of the restraint..... The REAL target was the other party!The one who was dragged through the mess, humiliated and treated like a child....and made to see the other party suffer. Sounds like a natural born sadist. Freedom!

The cruel bitch needs to be told "no" for once and also a hearty, "FUCK YOU" too! She must be like a female Trump! Ugh!

The country is imploding, yet we little ants keep following Draconian rules.....

I hope I can heal with you. You gave me the light to continue.

The episodes of achiness disturb me.

I miss you. 5 years of missing you. It has been excruciating, but you also saved me. Your lovely spirit was so kind to me and comforted me. So did the dear angel. She never left me alone. Once when I asked if she could send me a shooting star, she sent 4 in a row. It was such a blessing.

"Sometimes when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul" ~James

The people who bought my old house ruined it. It is now an eyesore, not the gem at the crest of the hill. I really don't let myself think much about it. It was a mixture of lovely and awful times, but it was always a time of predatory intrusion. I suppose my life is a cautionary tale. I was too naive to deal with a home I could not afford. I was a target. My husband thought he was leaving me in good shape financially, if he died, but when he did, nothing went right. I put the money with an investment company and they just drained it away. They bought my attorney and he did nothing to help me get my money back. He actually put his feet up on the table during negotiations and said to me, "you do it." I was so astonished I didn't know what to do, or say. Then, afterward, he tried hitting me in the elevator. Really? What gall! I should have done to him what I did to an employer who did the same thing, but ran me down to people when I shunned his advances. I kicked him in the ass and further in. He, while bent over in pain, yelled for security, but I left before they could respond. He was such an egotistical asshole.

My Gratitude~

Sounds of life go streaming by
while my reclusion makes me cry
Times with you were more than fun
You inspired me more than anyone

I dream of you and things you said
They're number one inside my head
Outer calm is what I show
as deep inside the fuses blow

Mocking wild waves entice me near
I never venture far from here
I wait for law to make some sense
I've given all the evidence

I've waited long to be your friend
But who can tell how things will end?
You've always been the one I trust
The others want me ground to dust

I wish you strength in daunting times
and sweet caresses with deeply loving
rhymes
You touch me in a myriad of caring ways
I look up to the heavens and will forever
sing your praise.

~Haviva
(c) HVM 2020

Launch aborted.

Watching "Launch America", Elon Musk's project to the space station.

If those people put me through unnecessary upset for nothing, I will check my recourse options.

I am going to speak to some doctors about my case today. They have my records, but I cannot trust that they really are mine. I will try and find a place where I get testing again. I cannot trust anything that they say at K at all. Sad, but true.

Mistake, they are calling on the 29th.

Have a lovely day!

I need strength.

Abstract

Lipedema is a common, but often underdiagnosed masquerading disease of obesity, which almost exclusively affects females. There are many debates regarding the diagnosis as well as the treatment strategies of the disease. The clinical diagnosis is relatively simple, however, knowledge regarding the pathomechanism is less than limited and curative therapy does not exist at all demanding an urgent need for extensive research. According to our hypothesis, lipedema is an estrogen-regulated polygenetic disease, which manifests in parallel with feminine hormonal changes and leads to vasculo- and lymphangiopathy. Inflammation of the peripheral nerves and sympathetic innervation abnormalities of the subcutaneous adipose tissue also involving estrogen may be responsible for neuropathy. Adipocyte hyperproliferation is likely to be a secondary phenomenon maintaining a vicious cycle. Herein, the relevant articles are reviewed from 1913 until now and discussed in context of the most likely mechanisms leading to the disease, which could serve as a starting point for further research.

Copyright © 2014 Elsevier Ltd. All rights reserved.

https://relief.news/with-cancer-and-treatment-comes-pain/

If I die, my things should be split 4 ways: you, my brother, my son, my friend (renter). I can't find my will, but it's somewhere online. I am not sure if that weasel security guard ever gave you a copy of it, because I think he stole it out of the mail. He is such a monumental asshole. He treated me so badly. 3 disgusting assholes there at K and the one who recently treated me so badly, I cannot go back alone (w/o someone who is a medical professional.)

You are my best friend.

I have not been sleeping well and am not feeling too terribly well. If I am no longer here, please know I have loved you so much that just the thought of you made terrible times bearable.

I truly cannot understand the cruelty of some people.

The vascular surgeon who wants to do surgery on me had said that I could take the med and in July would do the surgery, which I was okay with if I could have an advocate there. Suddenly, she says she doesn't know how long the med can "hold back the cancer." I haven't even had another test since then, so I don't know what she was basing her sudden panic upon. And I do not understand why she made it sound like the med was like a levee holding back the ocean, instead of a curative. Those people are telling me one thing and then another and it scares me. I don't know what to do. I was told I could have a second outside opinion, but I think I would need tests redone. It appears that Dr. Z has decided to have nothing to do with me. He has been told how to behave. I cannot go back there after the cruelty of the radiologist who was so strange acting and said something was wrong with me, because I did not fall apart with her diagnosis of "really, really bad cancer." How would Dr. Z ever miss something THAT BAD? I don't think he would. And that oncologist saying that some people would "just do nothing at all?" That was so strange. I know they are all screwing with me but in what way? Do they not want me to get help, or was that doctor trying to tell me that I did not need it? This is just wrong, but the timing is suspicious. They seem awfully desperate. I think this is at someone's behest and I cannot believe it is for a good reason....for me. This is supreme cruelty.

The right breast is throbbing and hurting and there is a lump and kind of hardness near it. I am frightened.

I need to get more sleep. Went to sleep too late. Zzzzzzz.🙃🌹
You are loved.
Forever.

I made banana bread w/o sugar and put organic fiber cereal in it and some organic, sugar free berry spread inside. I can have a piece for an easy breakfast. I don't always eat all the things for the day. I have my veg juice and am still waiting for the carrot juice to be delivered. Boring.....I know.

Sometimes I say him, sometimes I say you. It just depends on my thoughts come out at the time.

I hope sometime after the thing is over I will hear. I cannot be the one to call. I don't know if it all jibes together. I hope it does.

Watching a program about Highgrove House, where Prince Charles lives. The gardens are absolutely gorgeous!

Please don't judge me by everything I write. I get more emotional and upset on different days. I am just coping. I don't want you to feel put off by my moods during this thing. When this is over, there will be knowledge and no more confusion and being left in the dark. I think so much mystery and worry of attacks and safety and what is to be the finale, would make anyone a bit emotive and feeling sensitive.  I worry when I don't know how people I care about are doing. I feel helpless. No communication is a terrible thing and creates anxiety too. I have to hold on in many different ways. I think that my lasting through various intense attacks over such a long period is a testament to my emotional strength and mental health. I did get angry when people were relentless with their disrespect of my medical wishes, but on the whole I have been diplomatic and polite, although they put me through intense pain and fright.  I have no respect for people who have participated in this cruel travesty. I think now, I could handle any sort of irritant that comes my way. My patience has been moved to a greater tolerance. I do not "sweat the small stuff." People with bad intentions actually helped to improve me when they were intending to seek my demise. "Out of adversity comes strength"  is a perfect quote for me. I just need some recuperation time, because 5 years is more than most could even moderately withstand.  They came at me from all directions. They are actual monsters with terribly cruel destructive, greedy plans. Naturally they make me worry for another person who could also be their target.

Are you well? Wish I could know and not just pray about it.

I love you with everything in me.

I have been absolutely left out of everything. I have suffered more than anyone will ever know.  I have no idea what is going to happen, or what to do when it does. It has been scary and strange. People wanted/want to hurt me. I was terrified. I have been angry, but I am not used to getting revenge.That is not me, but I think about it and that bothers me. I don't like being put in that position.For all I know, maybe time will just end and nothing more. It just really bothers me, or worries me about the mental health of the person who did this. What was done was vicious and scary and without a bit of concern for my safety. Normal people don't do this kind of thing to other people. I can't even actually strike back, but I worry and feel confused. I need help. 

I would like to do everything for you.

Amuse bouche! :-)

I want to know you forever.

I look out at the beautiful ocean and all I can think is how even more beautiful it would be to have you here.

I have a headache from and infection in my jaw. The antibiotics have not gotten rid of it. I was hoping for a refill, bit it is not forthcoming. It makes me nervous. I saw that this med they gave me for "cancer" can harm teeth. I want to stop it asap.

They forge signatures for a reason.....to steal....then what? Rid themselves of witnesses.....

I just wanted to know him, even though I loved him so deeply. I would have kept it to myself, but my own body gave me away. My blood pressure rose, my breathing became shaky, my eyes became a willing captive of his. They took me in and felt like home and I never left.

If I had my way, I would go off with him where there was no turmoil, sickness, or cruel people.

Important people know everything and who has done what, so if they try anything to hurt anyone, they are off to jail.....or worse.

I do feel as if I have been in a very stark period of mourning. It has been extremely difficult for a number of reasons, but emotional pain of the heart is the most excruciating. I feel as I have been through the terrible searches as in the film, "What Dreams May Come." I felt such agony of the loss and holding hope as a means of holding on and not sinking into despair, but still finding turmoil and disappointment at every step. Pain has been my reality and happiness a vague memory.

My son will do the pictures for some of my writings. I hope he means painting, or drawing. He is very creative and artistic. I would like to learn painting, watercolor, I think. No reason to give up learning. I used to be so much more artistic as a child.

I am so tired of feeling anxious I suppose if time goes by and I hear nothing. I will begin to seriously think about how the rest of my life will go.  I feel so sad, I can barely stand it. I need some happiness. I have been attacked so long, it has me  tired and wasting time. I am mad at myself for not having been productive all this time. I have been in an extended mourning. It hits in waves,p that way. For the longest time,  sometimes I can bear it better than others. This morning, I felt like I could not breathe. I sat up and tries to sleep sitting up with my legs over the side. I think about which supps to take and think about the mean things said and how so much makes no sense and how much I worry about you. There is something deep inside me that cannot help but want to protect you and make you happy. If I can do that, my life has meant something.

How are you? Hope very well. Be safe. Please? I have been so worried. Not every worry is virus related.....people are a bigger one sometimes.

My tomato soup arrived, heated it up, but when I tasted it, yuck! It was so oddly sweet, I could barely eat it. I have never had sweetened organic tomato soup! It actually said sugar on the label! I never read the label prior to purchase. They have a skeleton crew now at Amazon, no live help and the auto help is no help! They say they won't take back the rest. It was auto ship of 12 cans, plus the seller hiked up the price! I had thought autoship froze the price, but it does not. Forget autoship!

Let's see how the people at K try to get me in soon. If they  can't get me.....they may try another angle. They already let me in on their intentions for me.

The British Baking show is making carrot cake without sugar. It reminds me of when I was the president of the Dallas Medical Assistant's Association and we were going to have a bake sale for charity and I said we had to make all the baked goods without sugar.  I was not real popular where the bakers were concerned, but it worked out well. 

"I dream of you all night, but in the morning you are gone."

~Jane Eyre

"I love you, like my own flesh!"

~Jane Eyre

"Wherever you are is my home, my true home."

~Jane Eyre

"I wish I were on a desert island somewhere with only you as company."

~Jane Eyre

"If you do not love another living soul, then you will never be disappointed."

~Jane Eyre


You will never have lived either.

Watching a different version of Jane Eyre than I have seen before.

I am trying to weed out meat for the most part. I do like veggie burgers. I have them, tuna cakes, eggs in a variety of forms, salads and salmon (when I can get it) and spinach, rice and applesauce. (all organic) I have usually had that, but I am making sure to have less sugar and more veg juice.  The problem is getting it all in, in a day, since I often don't think to eat until it is late.

I just looked out the deck door (I leave it open much of the time) and actually saw a vapor trail! I had not seen one for ages. I saw them all of the time when I lived near Edward's AFB as a child, since my father was in the Air Force there. Also heard sonic booms, which were a bit startling. We could see the smoke from the plane crashes, which scared the kids, wondering if it could be their father in the crash.

I keep wondering if I will be on my last leg before the "thing" is over.  Ironic, but sad.
 

Of course, I think every ache and pain is cancer now....

My mother said she was bored of reading books and putting together puzzles, so I just sent her a paint by numbers kit. Hopefully she won't be insulted, since her father was an artist. Just something to while away the time....

My dream is still to go off into nature and forget about mean people.

Obviously, I would not call, I would wait.

My organic tomato basil soup arrived! It turned out to have sugar and much too sweet.

My mother sent a sweet note thanking me for mother's day and birthday things. I always put everyone's name on the gifts I send, but I don't fool her, she knows it is me. She has become really nice now.

If I could have my wish, I would love to help make him forget there were ever any bad times at all. I don't know how cruel people live with themselves and do they think that people who they
abused will just forgive them and trust them again? They don't deserve it. I can tell from the extensive abuse I have still endured, a change of heart has not happened.

I wish I were more enthusiastic about clearing out more stuff, but I cannot hire help or take things to a charity right now, so it stops progress.

I ordered a lot of organic carrot juice, so I will have it as well as my org. veggie juice.

5 years ago, I was a lot less "worse for wear". It has been pretty rough for me. I cannot speak for anyone else. It has been abusive and cruel. How can I possibly trust them with a diagnosis, or treatment? I am dealing with cruel and unhinged people and now I know that physical abuse is not out of the question, so I am staying away. 

It would be a weight lifted off of me, if I could know if I really had BC, or not.

I love him so much, it is hard not to say it every minute of the day....but if anyone ever saw that, they would accuse me of being obsessive.
No, just normal adoration and love.

I hope you have a lovely weekend. It has been a long time away, but you always lived in my heart, so you never left me.

A Time Apart~

His magic is his easy charm
and loyalty to my alarms
He knows I always understand
when he's been there to lend a hand

His life is stuck to toeing lines
and staying calm in trying times
But I can tell he's been abused
which leaves me feeling so confused

My heart is at a tender stage and left
in sorrow, turned to rage
I loved him with refined decorum
It should have been a different forum

My heart has been alone and sad
Those cruel attackers made me mad
My life could well be drawing short
Too much time in phoney court

I love him still as I did then
It's in his hands to be his friend
Whatever fate that he decides
I know I'll see it in his eyes.
~Haviva

(c) HVM 2020

"Not one heartbeat do I forget" 

~Lost in Austen.


I do love you so.

Mr. Darcy : "I love you. I have followed you to this infernal place because I would follow you anywhere! I would harrow Hell to be with you!"



That is how I feel about you....

I wish I didn't have to miss your birthday.  Maybe celebrate a month later? :-)

Are you well? Thinking about you.

Five years has been such a struggle. I am sorry I fell apart and left ugly messages for the surgery dept of SR, but I do not understand why they keep changing the parameters of my treatment. The sadistic cruelty and weird things said to me by the radiologist, made no sense, except that she was doing it out of loyalty to someone who feels that I have created problems in her life. I have become her scapegoat for things for which she is responsible. I did not have responsibility for her behavior. Why do people not see their own shortcomings? It is deeply wrong for someone to hire people to make life a horror show for someone who did nothing wrong. I am a human being, not some inanimate object where all frustrations may be heaped. It turned my life inside out and made my life miserable for over 4 years and now it continues with a health scare of which I do not know the truth and may go from the vicious torture inflicted on me to perhaps leaving me severely damaged, or dead. What has been done to me has not been a joke, it has been an attack on my life. I would give my life for him, but not for her maniacal pleasure. Really, that woman is abusive and not hooked up right. I would do anything to help him escape an abusive situation. My heart hurts. I cannot stand the thought of anyone hurting him. I guess they know my feelings were genuine. I thought they wanted to know my sincerity, so I had the lie detection done. It made things much worse. It has been a nightmare, but my feelings never changed. The thing is that their cruelty to me made me worry more about you and more determined to survive to make life nice for you. Please, let me at least see you again. I feel so down. I need hope. I knew that toward the end I would have everything thrown at me to do what? Make me hate you? That would never happen. I think they know that. Maybe I have made a mess. I don't know. I am dealing with such a variety of attacks, I guess I break down and get angry sometimes. I am not used to people doing such cruelty with a strong indication of wanting me dead, well, maybe when I was kidnapped. He wanted me dead. It made me rev up and take action and fight back. Now they are trying to make me frightened about my health to lure me in. I cannot. I need to wait. Maybe it is hurting myself, but I need to take that gamble, or I could end up dead, or a veg. You in my mind keeps me strong.

Will you be there for me?

The pressure got to me. I was being badgered into coming to the K in SR and I had already said many times I could not go because I had been too frightened by doctor Moon. The surgeon said she was going to send me a certified letter. I can only speculate that it would say that she could not take responsibility for my outcome, since I was not cooperating. I am merely going along with what she had said initially. She said to take the medication until July when I could have surgery. Suddenly now she wants me to come in now, which makes me suspicious. I am frightened of not having anyone I trust to protect me. At any rate, I called the surgery department and left a few four letter angry messages. I am sorry, but I am tired of being pushed around and worried for his safety as well as mine. I want everyone to be safe and happy, the rest will be up to those in charge and his desires.
I love him and that means his happiness is all that matters to me. I am tired of all the turmoil and attacks. Those people are evil and I want nothing to do with them.

"You're just the man to make me say all manner of things."

~"Belgravia"

I miss you more and more each day. This entire situation has brought me feeling even closer to you. I ache to ask for protection, or just to talk.

I was going to be tactful and not mention names in particular, but after all my time of suffering and she still sent out an attack and persistence in badgering me to come in.....fuck it! There was so much time for her to repent, or find some sort of remorse, but no, she still wants to harm me. I have done nothing to deserve it and it makes her come off unhinged. I was feeling terrible enough thinking I had breast cancer and dealing with that horror, but this new attack against me, made me snap! People like that don't have any concern for others, just themselves. It makes me worry. I have HAD it! It hasn't been nice! It was the most surreal experience going to jail and being a pariah. She is responsible for her own behavior. Five years of suffering, of wondering what might strike next, being on edge, sleepless nights, knowing I was supposed to be dead and knowing they still want me dead, so she can have her status quo. I know that nothing is predictable, or certain and people's lives are their own, their own decisions, their freedom to live the way they want. I don't know anything for certain ; I just hope and pray and as my grandmother always said, "keep a good thought."
Please bless the most wonderful person I have ever known and loved. 

Sometimes I spell badly, especially when the spell check doesn't warn me....but sometimes it is wrong too. Eventually, I find them all.

K is a snake pit! No person of quality should work there! It is dangerous! (For anyone!)

I swear, it is like they all get the directive to be cruel. That complete bitch in San Rafael (now Santa Rosa) who sneered at my weight loss and chased me away (then I came back) the nasty, old, icky one, knows who did what. She acts like she is so sweet, but is nothing but a cruel hag.

Those assholes in Oncology and Surgery keep pestering me to come in and the are pouring on the pressure! I KNOW why too! They want me dead, or a vegetable before the end of the matter. I seriously do not know how anyone put up with at cruel bitch! Sleep with one eye open, or go elsewhere. They stole your identity many times! If they can't get me they will try for you! Tell them many, many people know who to go after, should they harm you. Having money sometimes is just not worth it. Be safe, please!

I look at your picture all of the time. I printed it up from one online. It is a comfort.

I drive myself crazy wondering if I've screwed up, or something, and made it so my friend will never want to see me again, but then I think he understands my terrible troubles and that I am doing the best I can "flying by the seat of my pants". I have been so messed with, that it makes me understand what you deal with and it frightens me for you. I want you to have a chance to be free and be able to have a feeling of support while doing it. I care so much about you, I want you to know someone who wants to nurture you and know someone who wants you to be able to recover gently from the terrible times to which we have both been subjected. I am sure people have been grabbing at you for selfish motives. I know what it is like to have people pretend to like you for ulterior motives. Predators are the worst. People attacking me to clear the playing field so they can have a better chance with you is reprehensible and it means they don't think they aren't good enough themselves to make you want them. They don't realize that no other choices aren't all that matters in love. I would rather be alone than be stuck with someone I don't love.  It makes life miserable. I thought I would never love again, but then your sweet smile and caring ways and eyes that made me warm from inside out, took over my heart. It seemed too good to be true. Could I possibly be that blessed? I am not special enough in my mind. I get ashamed for actually thinking I am, but my heart battles with emotions and wants to preserve the wonderful feeling it found. I swear, I would fight any evil attacker, or face any humiliation to see you again....I already did many times actually, but to make your life sweet,  I would fight to the death to make it happen. Each night when I pray for you, I promise to be there for you and give my life to you. I won't break that promise. I love you. Be safe.

I seem to merely be a supernumerary in this thing where others are concerned, except I am still attacked, harassed and tormented and I get to worry about my health at the same time. I don't even dare to think I may see my friend again for one reason, or another. I know people will lie, or throw some cog in the works. I haven't been able to enjoy life for ages. Seeing his face and hearing his voice talk to me will mean everything to me. If my health is bad, I don't know.

• He is the one I love forever, but it could be a moot point in the end.

My excitement during a day is seeing a number.
Anyway, I keep getting people trying to make me go to K, but each time I think someone is going to actually be nice and help me they turn out to be liars. It makes me even more cynical. It makes me worry. I said that I would not have surgery unless it was observed and someone who was supposed to be helping me said, "what if he can't be there?" I thought it wasn't a nice thing to put into my head to worry about, but I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. I am pretty used to people saying crap things, but it does stick and haunt me. I never think people are going to be mean, but they are. I have no expectations in my life. I am just surprised as anyone about my life as anyone. I know what I would dearly love to have happen, but I could have a shocking disappointment and just be alone and be sad and lonely but I hope I get a chance first. All I can do is hope and pray.

I just want to be certain my friend is safe and knows he always has a place to be for safety and to enjoy. It is his place too as far as I am concerned, if he approves.

I would be as much, or as little of a friend as wanted, but keeping you in my heart, mind and prayers is what got me this far. I respect you and care about you. You kept me safe and feeling protected and I want to do the same for you. There has never been anyone like you, who went to such lengths for me. It was a feeling of being so blessed and magical, I felt nothing bad would/could harm me. My love for you is forever, but it is yours to accept, or not. I am here to comfort, support and help you in need. I am devoted to your happiness and well being. Nothing could make me happier. My home is your home.

• I like "Be adventurous and have fun" sounds like me! 🙃

I always enjoy the nutrition program.

I feel better. I think it is just when I get too tired that I feel down and feel awful. I am going to rest more. I hope you are very well. People keep putting on the pressure. I figured as much for now.

The first attorney I had was really not "mine". He called me saying he heard I needed one. He was another plant, I did not know until later. He forgot himself and gave away the real story that I already knew in my heart. Later, he just wanted to drop me and get away. I spoke up in court and he must have been reprimanded. He said he survived a heart attack. What a crazy time.

Please don't ever hate me, I try to do the right thing, but maybe I don't. I think I get so upset, I go on autopilot. I get so tired, sad, scared and missing my friend, I also worry. This has been so horribly difficult I think "could I end up never seeing him again, after all this time of using every bit of willpower, faith, prayer to stay holding on, but not making it? You mean so much to me. I cannot lose you, please?
Hugs.

I am so down.

I can't go to K alone, but I feel sick.

I don't know what to do. I am not feeling well. I am scared. I feel nauseated and just off. Am I going to see you again?

I believe that what I had was lipedema in my breast, not cancer. I could be wrong, but I am not going there. The torture to which I have been subjected, was too awful, the next time may be fatal.

I am still being asked to come in to K and being frightened, so I will come in. But I won't. Dr. Moon absolutely terrorized me and I think it was at the behest of the female doctor who hates me. I am sorry, but she is not mentally right. I feel really sorry for anyone who has to be around her. Some ombudsman at K called me, but she just argued with me about things I knew and it really annoyed me, so I do not want to speak with her again. There are certain things I will not agree with and that will never change. It just annoys me and angers me no end. I will be livid if she tries to create problems for me toward the end.

I am missing you terribly.

Desperate, unhinged people cannot be trusted.

I don't think they will ever stop trying to kill me. It is the most insidious thing. I have gone mostly nowhere for many years and yet they act like I am the biggest threat of the century. I have been through so much, yet they keep on going. All I have to comfort myself are my memories and love. I think they will keep trying to mess with my life and keep me restricted forever. I am going nowhere. What more can they do to me? I think they will utilize their medical advantage and harm me, or what? Be on high alert. They should know that I have told so many people who has done this cruelty against me and you that they know that they would have the suspect right away. I want you safe. It is all my life is about now. They are so vicious.

I thought I was going to get the top guy at K to make changes, but he fobbed me off on some ombudsman who was just going to listen to me, but she started arguing with me and I felt betrayed. I have a feeling she is going to try and put a wedge in my end outcome with you. I think she is really going against me. I think it is absolutely cruel. I have already gone through so much and even now too. Ugh.

I kept thinking of making something to eat all day, but then I kept getting distracted, or singing and it slipped my mind! Now that it is 6 pm, maybe I should actually do it! :-)

I think it is very therapeutic to sing and feel free to express yourself. I already feel lighter in spirit.

John Denver - For You with Lyrics

John Denver - It's About Time | Lyrics Meaning

Annies Song with Lyrics John Denver 3d BEAUTIFUL :)

This is howI feel about you.

https://www.ldnresearchtrust.org/how-naltrexone-works

I am taking this.

https://www.rxlist.com/arimidex-side-effects-drug-center.htm#overview

Anastrozole, the drug I have been given.

Shipments from India are suspended for now. That is kind of scary.

http://www.lipomadoc.org/

Dr. Herbst

I adore you.

I pray for everyone's safety and happiness.

I was having such fun dreams this morning, I didn't want to wake up!

People seem to be aware of the dates of things.

I will not let anyone with a needle come my way, nor will I allow any surgery, until I have my trusted advocate. I don't know what is going on, but desperate people are involved. Anyone in a situation like that should be very careful. Maybe I will pretend to go along, but stall.

Sending love.

https://nuhw.org/kaiser-dont-deny/patient-stories/https://nuhw.org/kaiser-dont-deny/patient-stories/https://nuhw.org/kaiser-dont-deny/patient-stories/

I kind of messed up my hair.....self-beauty shop....Oh well, hair grows back.

I just want to have some lovely nature travels with him and have fun talking and laughing. I am tired of serious and bad news and mean people. I want love, beauty and precious moments.

Life is difficult sometimes and I don't feel like going on, but one sweet memory and a bit of hope can make me continue.

I will never fall in love again. I cannot ever imagine loving anyone as much as I love him. It has been rough worrying about him, but it comes as a part of loving someone. One cannot possibly love someone and not worry about them.

You know, I have been so distracted that I only just noticed that I can see the ocean from where I sleep in the living room, looking out the door. The ocean rather blends in with the sky when it is a bit foggy. I have a pine tree in the view and several hawks doing their lovely air acrobatics. I have left the master bedroom vacant, but movers put a lot of things in there, that I am going to clear out. I want it to be nice for when it is needed by someone else I might anticipate. I have to admit, after so much work with moving, my dealing with a lot of other issues, working on clearing things out, has not been top of my list. I would love to merely enjoy life and enjoy being around someone I care about. I get weary and downhearted.
I get nervous about the aching I sometimes have and think about cancer, but it could be lipedema. I am sure diabolical people running this fear campaign, who have now escalated it to a physical attack, are truly happy. They are evil from Hell; disgusting forms of life. To them, kindness is anathema. They are not human. I don't know how anyone can work, or live around it. I also do not like other people telling me how other people think, or feel. It isn't their place. I truly wish I could just get into an RV and drive north and forget about people, except one...... 

I awoke frightened. I thought I might never see you again and it scared me. Now, I feel so sad. They will stop me from ever seeing you again. I know they are determined. 

It is interesting that lipedema and breast cancer are both driven by hormones.

My door and my heart will always be open to you. I will await any contact that may be desired, or if not, that is my fate. I may be dead by then, anyway, but my love will carry me into eternity.

I just want you happy and safe and free to live the life that you want.  No matter what the relationship, you are always going to be my friend and some one I care about. I would risk death to save you and I would sacrifice my life for yours. Anything I do is to keep you safe. That will never change.
Sorry for anything I have done, or said in an effort to get through this mess and make people understand it. You know I would never try and hurt you. I do not hurt the one I love, maybe others do, but hurt does not equal love. Some people don't understand why I worry, but I cannot tell them it is because of my love for you, but I think friendship is as good a reason.
I think you know my good intentions.

Don't ever let them beat the magic out of you.

I hope your day is going nicely. I have no idea what you do in a day, but stay safe at all times.
I basically work on the assumption that I am fighting a health issue and act accordingly along with a lot of rest and thinking of you. I am also taking a spring cleaning kind of approach and tackling each area and weeding things out. I have not been my top self for awhile, but slowly coming back. Seeing you again would be perfect.

You are loved so very much.

Please don't forget me. I will never forget you. I never could.....you live in my heart.

I am suffering from not knowing my diagnosis. I am trying to use ways of optimizing various treatment options. It is troubling.

• I only want what you want.

Just to see your face again and hear your voice...........Heaven!!!

Sending love and protection.

I am your protector. I am ready to help at any time.I am here to help you in any manner you need. Nothing is too great a request to help you stay safe.

What I am kind of getting from K is that they kind of don't really care about bad things going on. It is weird how well they keep their "cards close to the vest." Very strange attitude. They are not horrified by things done, even if they were horrific. If I worked there, I would get away when I could. First opportunity. They act like they observe an alternate reality and do not understand right from wrong. So, if someone hires a hit man to come and take out a "Problem Patient" and the hit man tries to get that patient to kill themselves, it's no big deal. If a medical personnel injects a patient with something and the patient dies, oh well..... Anything goes.
Do they first deprogram the employees who quit and want to leave? When I even gave a hint that someone should have freedom, I was looked at with great astonishment and near horror that I would even suggest a thing. I understand why someone would want to connect with the outside world. I would always help a person in that situation. They did not expect me to still be alive. I think I was injected with something slow acting that may kill me, or it didn't work for some reason. I cannot go back with that hanging over my head. 

All my faith and belief is in you. I know you will be there for me as I will for you.

Some days I feel like doing nothing but crying, but I keep it together and go on.

The thing about going off into nature, is there is no worry about being around other people.

If nothing else, I want to see that handsome face, looking healthy and happy, so I can stop worrying.....for now anyway.

Looks like more rain today. The ocean was being pretty active earlier, but settled down a bit since. I have been tired, so not being entirely productive. I am not going back to K until I can have protection. They are just crazy. What a disgrace!

I am using tofu more lately. I used it in spaghetti sauce today and it was delicious. I had already used it in tacos and burritos and it was wonderful in both. I had been using ground turkey, but I figure tofu is even better for health and super cheap!

This is such a depressing time. I would love to see someone who makes my life beautiful.

I go from being very angry to being philosophical about it all, but I was treated so inhumanely, I cannot stand the thought that anyone else would have it happen to them, or that it would become the standard. They intended for me to die by my own hand, or have health do it. This last attack was really invasive by coming into my personal medical environment. That is desperation and desperate people are dangerous! Why do K employees feel so comfortable doing terrible things to patients? Is it just this one person for whom they feel misplaced loyalty? They seemed so hostile and cruel. It was weird. Someone said some awful lies to them for them to have been so mean. I will never go back. I think MP is still involved. She is disgusting and dangerous.  People need to be very careful around her, or anyone who listens to her.

I wish he could come here and be safe.

His happiness and safety are all that have ever mattered to me.

I was no one to change any desired status quo. I was there to provide some happiness to his life. Talking and laughing with him was what made life worth it to me.

His happiness was my happiness. It made the world worth being in.

The world is ugly and scary. I don't like people invading and controlling and telling us what to do and how we should behave. I only care what you think and how you feel. I have shut down to them because they only care about themselves. I am so weary of them. I know there are responsibilities, but they should not own us body and soul.
I wish I could hug you and never stop. Sometimes I feel like I was put here to keep you safe and feel happy. It's been terrible not to even be able to see you. They tried to make what was lovely into something sordid and ugly, but it was always sweet and pure.  Their ugly, hateful minds could never change that, so they attacked more and more and became intense and invasive. They are soulless and dead inside, they cannot exist around purity and devoted love and friendship, it is their enemy. They were worried that their property would like to find freedom and happiness. I hope it happens and includes me at some point and to some degree. If so, I will be there for him.

When did being a monster become normal?

I am not vindictive, but you know this 5 year attack was over-the-top and it shows a dangerous mind, especially if the latest treatment at K was under her direction. I was never treated with dignity. I deserve to be treated that way. I believe one, or both were in with the judge and someone was in the adjoining room listening. I am tired of mean, spoiled people, who feel they can treat others any way they want without consequences. That enables a disturbed mind to remain free to hurt others. That is wrong and possibly deadly. If someone is upset with another person they should have the guts to say something, not strike from the cowardly darkness. That is absolutely bizarre and insane.

I need to find the truth of the B C situation. I am taking every supplement on Earth, even B-17, then  found out I could have poisoned myself. Ugh! Like I haven't been through enough. The person who started it all by going to the attorney and causing all the problems and torture, may be in for a boat load of trouble.....and an orange jumpsuit. Some people who think they are entitled, find out they are not.

I need to know if the breast cancer diagnosis was faked up. It isn't right for someone to be under that kind of misinformation and worry, plus no one wants to take meds they don't need. I knew that an attack was forthcoming and this could be it, but it could also be real. I have been treated so strangely, so all I can do is think it is real, until I find out otherwise.

I cannot imagine a normal person orchestrating an illegal and devious plan against an innocent person, let it go on for many years and not care how it was affecting that innocent person and not be figured for a callous, narcissistic and deviant individual. I was abused and tormented with no one helping me to avoid such a plight. I had my rights removed and I was basically brutalized and treated like dirt. I was blacklisted by attorneys, except the ones the K attorney paid to keep me in line and shout at me and to do nothing to defend me.

Prior to the legal measures taken by the K attorney, there was a professional"hit man" psychiatrist friend or at least an acquaintance who was brought back to the K system with the mission to get rid of me. It was obviously a"no holds barred" kind of an arrangement. The psychiatrist used mind control, humiliation and embarrassing, cruel statements to try and provoke me into committing suicide.  It was attempted murder. She placed many false mental illness diagnoses in my chart to cover for anything that might result in my death. Then, she made plans to create evidence against me to make it appear that I was guilty of something. It was well planned out and very intense.  It was all covert and rather subversive; I sincerely believe she has been trained as a spy.

It was "no holds barred" as far as how I was treated. There was no kindness, or concern for my welfare. It was all cruelty. Those legal and medical professionals did and said whatever they wanted to me, including false accusations and  endless, vicious insults and screaming at me. Not seeing reality wherein the judges and other members of the court and legal world behaved; it was baffling and quite disturbing. The K attorney had obviously paved the way for his plan against me very thoroughly. Truth became a foreign concept. I had an attorney pushed off on me who claimed he he was my attorney through a Bar Assn, program, but he was not. The program said he was not in the program then and I did not even qualify. The K attorney had obviously paid him to keep watch over me and silence me.

It has been a terrible 5 years. I rarely got sleep and was always stressed. I do believe that if I do have breast cancer, this attack was the reason. It is hard to fathom that someone who is supposed to be a dignified physician who is supposed to care for the welfare of people, would stray from it to create horror for another human being, without an obvious care if it even was the reason for the death of that person.

There was nothing legal about this plan and no concern for my safety. It is extremely close to being attempted murder, if not unequivocally so, plus many other crimes sprinkled throughout, including false imprisonment. It is serious. Those are all dangerous people to be around. They act entitled. They are still attacking me with this current diagnosis of breast cancer. The rough treatment done by a doctor was out of misplaced loyalty. I also believe I was injected with something that is supposed to ultimately harm me. I was terrorized with the brutality and rough treatment. Doctors who created absolute terror for an innocent person. It is reprehensible and dangerous. They belong nowhere near decent people/patients; they have no sense of remorse. aka, sociopaths.

They are disgusting and to be avoided at any cost; a life could well be in danger. Be on high alert.

I would love to have you here, or hit the road with you, no matter what the virus is doing. I haven't gone anywhere except K for years and only with a mask. I suppose that is too much to ask and my house is not in good shape, but could easily be remedied. My dream anyway.

 I absolutely adore you and will do anything to make you happy and feeling safe.

I would love it if you would help advise me and observe my treatment, if, indeed it is actually a true cancer diagnosis. I still believe it is more lipedema than cancer, but I must believe the worst. I believe it has been given to me as a "gift" to make their friend, who wants me destroyed, happy.

I hope I get to see you in the month after your birthday.  (Wish it could be  before.....)  It is such a beautiful dream of mine. No pressure, just a lovely friendship, if it is your wish as well as it is mine.

I want to show you what a very good friend is like.

I am watching an interview of Robert Redford. I think he has wonderful values. "The Way We Were" was a heartbreaker. I watched it 2 times in the same theater, one after the other. Barbra Streisand's nails/hands were mesmerizing. Such tenderness in the way she stroked his hair, yet he did not back down on his rigid rejection of her. Astounding. 

I hope you are safely at home. Please don't run any risk of getting sick. It is a nasty virus.

I think that days should be filled with happiness, respect and love.

I wish all this crap were over. Evil people have had too much say so.

They made povitiza on the "British Baking Show". I made it many years ago, but mine used 18 eggs and a pound of walnuts in it.  I had an antique table that I used specifically to make breads and apple strudel. It's been awhile.....

9 May 2019 · 

Public

My Friend and Muse:

I never met anyone like you. You captured my heart, and excited my mind. You opened me up to want to know more about life; its alluring complexities, magical enchantments, and thought provoking mysteries. You instilled a passion in me that will never fade, but will grow ever more passionate with the ensuing years. You inspired me to attain the most daring of desires in a poetical sense, and encouraged them to blossom to fragrant reality. My mind dances to the tune of your gracefully fluid movements that could make a trained dancer feel shame at the inadequacy of their own. When I think about you, my heart gets a kind of happiness so new to me; that the word delight cannot even begin to capture its essence. If I never get to see you again, at least I will have had the blessing to have known you for as long as I did, and call you friend.

I carry you forever in my heart.

Please be safe.

Knowing that someone close to me had hired a "hit man" to take out someone else, would frighten me, because that shows they are rather ruthless. I would not feel safe being around them myself. It seems that there would be no holds barred in their cruelty.

Just left a message for my mother for Mother's Day. The gift I sent on behalf of everyone won't arrive until Monday. I am the one who usually sends the gifts and puts everyone's name on them, so she knows everyone is thinking about her. I don't do it for them, it is for her to feel love and be happy. She is a tough bird, but she should feel loved and not down. She never really knew how to be a mother, but she had her moments. She was unwanted by her mother and father, so she was given to her British grandmother to be raised, so she was not given much love as a child and as a consequence, neither my brother and I were extended much either. It is the most precious commodity to me, over anything else. Everyone deserves to feel loved. When I love someone, they are firmly in my heart and cherished forever. Love keeps me going when I feel down and in despair. Sweet memories are very important. ♥️

• I think I will make turkey piccata for dinner. I used to love veal piccata until I became more enlightened. I just happen to have some capers. Maybe garlic mashed potatoes on the side. I have fresh org. spinach (as usual) in the fridge. Sounds good for Mother's Day!

I wish for you to be safe and well and happiness.
Sending you love. ❤💖

I want to be there for you always, no matter what you think of me. I want to take care of you and cherish you. I adore you.

I am so upset by this health issue. I don't know who I can believe. I have pain in my right scapula. I have been a bit nervous. It is always on my mind. I know that the long, sustained stress had a hand in whatever bad outcome I may have. I have been beaten down for so long, I don't trust them w/o someone to help me and observe.

It has been so difficult to feel anxious, sad and worried each night. That is why I kept saying that all the cruel treatment could make me either get cancer, or have it come back. I sure hope all is well and I can see his smile at me again.

I know that my thoughts don't come out written for other people to understand very well all of the time. I assume it is basically just me going back to read. I don't know. I feel invisible most of the time anyway, except when people do cruel things to me.

No wonder he was talking about Twilight Zone when I last saw him! That is what this has been, only worse! (For HIM too!) Who would have EVER thought things would get so bad? Desperate, heartless people can do terrible things to others! Even to those they should cherish. When money is all they care about, such ugly things can happen!

Alone.

I knew I liked hot white rice cereal, but when I was mistakenly sent brown organic hot rice cereal, I found out it was just as good as the white. (Sounds like a metaphor....)

Writing my thoughts and saying my prayers for his safety are what have kept me going all this time. I have felt like I was in prison. The thought of seeing his smile again was all I had as a sweet dream.

I don't know why they want to pretend I have cancer, but I think that is the case.

I still think that a sudden painful attack of a breast where it suddenly feels painful and rather tight like it was in spasm is cancer. They play infinite mind games. They should be ashamed.

I keep wondering if they were terrorizing me to keep me from getting treatment. I really don't understand it. I am also astounded that anyone would derive pleasure from the pain of others. That is scary.

I really have fun shopping in ChinaTown. I miss it. I may have seen Lang Lang there and he did have an entourage, but I was at the back of the store and he was leaving. He makes the cutest faces when he plays.

I wish I could hold your hand.

I love you. 

 I am looking forward to truth again. This has been the Bizarro World.

Suddenly my left breast started having the same symptoms as the right. That was when Dr. Z found nothing wrong, but the cruel Dr. Moon said the cancer was "really, really bad" and berated me for not being emotional enough. She was physically rough and sent me directly afterward had me get another mammogram with blood flowing down my arm from my breast. The mammogram machine was shut down so tightly I screamed and blood dripped to the floor. Her behavior was sadistic. How can I trust any of them?

Watching a program about Scotland's graveyards, too much buffering.....

Someone from some sort of K patient advocate is going to listen to my story. She is independent, but is contracted by K to check into problems. She will get an ear full!

Just for fun! I remember.

People who have everything and could have it so good, could appreciate it and be nice and grateful for their good life, but no, they still have to beat up on the nice guy and the little guy for some demented reason. They don't know how to be nice, or loving and need scapegoats to make themselves feel better. Cruelty just seems to do it for some people. They don't want to change.
All I can say is go where you are treated well and where you are appreciated for the lovely, kind and interesting, person you are. Anytime you feel used, or disrespected by anyone, have the self-esteem/self/love to leave.

I guess I am falling somewhat apart. I am tired of being treated like shit, or a supernumerary. At least lies, corruption I can somewhat deal with, but when it comes to my healthcare being co-opted, I am at a complete disadvantage. All I can do is refuse further treatment until I can have someone I trust look into things and keep me safe. If I have something wrong, I will get help, but I am not going to sit still and let someone vindictive kill me to make someone happy!

"You"-
I want to find again, the warm poetic person who spoke of Prague and the young people seeking redemption...
the one who loved the old cemeteries, and the beauty of the dead poets, and the wise one who lives still...
Do you know where he went? I'd love to talk to him again. If you see him, could you tell him to please call me? His friend misses him dearly.
Maybe I will run into him on the Charles Bridge, between the vengeful, angry ghosts, or at the Pere la Chaise cemetery in Paris, while having a chat with Oscar Wilde, as a Chopin nocturne lulls restless spirits back into a relaxed peacefulness.
He was so unique and beautiful in his quiet way, and his seeking, and enchanted spirit. I do hope he is okay. I worry so much about him. I hope he isn't gone forever. Not just for me, but more importantly, for himself. ~Haviva

All I know is that you made me feel the happiest I ever felt, the safest, cared about, respected and all I wanted to do was listen to what you had to say, see your smile and know you were safe. That did it for me.

I am feeling so alone and too much going on. I am supposed to believe in things that seem too much of a coincidence and people who have agendas being cruel. Why attack me? I have no control over anything! What do they want from me? To die? To look weak? To announce them as winners? Of what? I am far away and have nothing! Why do they frighten me and then beat up on me? I don't get to see the one I care about, or talk to him, so why continue to beat up on me? This is just cruelty for cruelty sake. How insane and just vindictive they are to be like this! I am the scapegoat for their own problems! I am limping along with all sorts of problems and yet they, with all the money and power just put the screws to me as if I have made their life bad! Maybe if they were nice and not assholes, life would be better for them! I like to show my appreciation and am nice to people and they hate that because people like that better than cruelty! Well duh! Screw them! I was not born to take their frustration because they don't know how to be decent human beings! I have been so considerate of everyone's feelings, even when I am treated like shit! Forget it! If I can understand how to be a normal, kind person, why can't they? They just DON'T WANT TO BE A GOOD, DECENT PERSON AND WANT EVERYONE TO BE KIND TO THEM AND SYMPATHETIC TO THEIR FUCKED UP PERSONALITIES! I have been living in a smoke and mirrors world for 5 years, been attacked, and can still manage to not be an asshole, or die!  That pisses them off! They deserve what they get! They are not " too big to fail!" People deserve autonomy, have nice lives! Have love  and security and feel cherished and supported and protected. If they do not have that, they deserve to find it.
Do what you need to be happy. Don't let anyone stop you. I just want to assist it by being here and supportive. No one owns another person. They need to be happy. Keep up what is obligated, but find happiness too. People who are cruel should not have money, because they do terrible to things with it and feel they own people because they can buy who every they want. Why not be nice and then people will like them? I have been treated like a nothing for 5 years. They have had all the advantages, yet still behave like jerks. They get what they deserve, but I will still defer to what is wanted. I have been beaten like a rabid dog, but I still have compassion. I may be a fool, but my compassion is who I am.

I think they have won. I don't know what to do. I just want to sleep. I don't know what to believe any longer.

Imagine Dragons - Night Visions - Available Sep. 4

All We Ever Knew (LYRICS) - The Head and The Heart

(no subject)

Haviva von Martinitz <countessprag	2:17 PM (0 minutes ago)
to *****

Dear*******, 

The people who carried out the cruelty were no less than war criminals. If there had been a war with a tribunal after, they would be considered war criminals. If I die of cancer, or if it is bad, I will be sure to leave instructions to have the newspapers tell the world what happened under K auspices. I told everyone, even one of the board of directors. Not one bit of help did I get. No one cares to investigate, even though I have graciously offered to have a meeting. 

What was done to me and by Dr. Moon's treatment of me shows me that it is still going on, it was torture/abuse. No one cares. Why? Would you rather have it be exposed and have it be a national story? They made other hospital employees participate. There are many witnesses. There are too many damning things that were done that can not be explained, except that they were directed at harming me. This is like a war crime situation. Please do not ignore it. It may be responsible for my cancer, if it is what I have.

During WWII, my great uncle was in a camp and was tortured. He said I was the only person he told about it all those years later. He said he knew I would understand. I am not sure if he meant because I had been kidnapped as a child and was threatened with death, or because I am sensitive to the pain of people, (an empath) but I was honored that he trusted me with his terrible pain. 

I did not deserve this awful treatment and I do not deserve to go through this health scare without the only person I trust to help see me through it. I am frightened all of the time. For the last 5 years I have lived in fear. That is not right. It is in your hands to make it right, not keep it going.

Be well.

Sincerely,

C

My friend is doing so badly with the virus shutting off her income. She is in entertainment. It is all she has. I am going to send her more asap. I cannot believe how badly some are suffering. She did not mention it before, but now she is forced to do so.