Please don't judge me by everything I write. I get more emotional and upset on different days. I am just coping. I don't want you to feel put off by my moods during this thing. When this is over, there will be knowledge and no more confusion and being left in the dark. I think so much mystery and worry of attacks and safety and what is to be the finale, would make anyone a bit emotive and feeling sensitive.  I worry when I don't know how people I care about are doing. I feel helpless. No communication is a terrible thing and creates anxiety too. I have to hold on in many different ways. I think that my lasting through various intense attacks over such a long period is a testament to my emotional strength and mental health. I did get angry when people were relentless with their disrespect of my medical wishes, but on the whole I have been diplomatic and polite, although they put me through intense pain and fright.  I have no respect for people who have participated in this cruel travesty. I think now, I could handle any sort of irritant that comes my way. My patience has been moved to a greater tolerance. I do not "sweat the small stuff." People with bad intentions actually helped to improve me when they were intending to seek my demise. "Out of adversity comes strength"  is a perfect quote for me. I just need some recuperation time, because 5 years is more than most could even moderately withstand.  They came at me from all directions. They are actual monsters with terribly cruel destructive, greedy plans. Naturally they make me worry for another person who could also be their target.