Five years has been such a struggle. I am sorry I fell apart and left ugly messages for the surgery dept of SR, but I do not understand why they keep changing the parameters of my treatment. The sadistic cruelty and weird things said to me by the radiologist, made no sense, except that she was doing it out of loyalty to someone who feels that I have created problems in her life. I have become her scapegoat for things for which she is responsible. I did not have responsibility for her behavior. Why do people not see their own shortcomings? It is deeply wrong for someone to hire people to make life a horror show for someone who did nothing wrong. I am a human being, not some inanimate object where all frustrations may be heaped. It turned my life inside out and made my life miserable for over 4 years and now it continues with a health scare of which I do not know the truth and may go from the vicious torture inflicted on me to perhaps leaving me severely damaged, or dead. What has been done to me has not been a joke, it has been an attack on my life. I would give my life for him, but not for her maniacal pleasure. Really, that woman is abusive and not hooked up right. I would do anything to help him escape an abusive situation. My heart hurts. I cannot stand the thought of anyone hurting him. I guess they know my feelings were genuine. I thought they wanted to know my sincerity, so I had the lie detection done. It made things much worse. It has been a nightmare, but my feelings never changed. The thing is that their cruelty to me made me worry more about you and more determined to survive to make life nice for you. Please, let me at least see you again. I feel so down. I need hope. I knew that toward the end I would have everything thrown at me to do what? Make me hate you? That would never happen. I think they know that. Maybe I have made a mess. I don't know. I am dealing with such a variety of attacks, I guess I break down and get angry sometimes. I am not used to people doing such cruelty with a strong indication of wanting me dead, well, maybe when I was kidnapped. He wanted me dead. It made me rev up and take action and fight back. Now they are trying to make me frightened about my health to lure me in. I cannot. I need to wait. Maybe it is hurting myself, but I need to take that gamble, or I could end up dead, or a veg. You in my mind keeps me strong.