I am so tired of feeling anxious I suppose if time goes by and I hear nothing. I will begin to seriously think about how the rest of my life will go.  I feel so sad, I can barely stand it. I need some happiness. I have been attacked so long, it has me  tired and wasting time. I am mad at myself for not having been productive all this time. I have been in an extended mourning. It hits in waves,p that way. For the longest time,  sometimes I can bear it better than others. This morning, I felt like I could not breathe. I sat up and tries to sleep sitting up with my legs over the side. I think about which supps to take and think about the mean things said and how so much makes no sense and how much I worry about you. There is something deep inside me that cannot help but want to protect you and make you happy. If I can do that, my life has meant something.