Prize....?

 How can you matter so much to someone, but they can still hurt you with such cruelty and intensity?  Isn't that a kind of an oxymoron? Why beat me up, when they could just talk with you? That is why I never felt bad that I loved you, because no one who loves you, treats someone they love with such disrespect. I don't know, maybe you understand it, but it isn't normal. I think it means they don't like having THEIR world messed up, out of order, but there is something called compromise. I am really very angry and I don't like to hurt anyone, but damn, there was not a drop of empathy, or sympathy for me over all the years, nor redemption! I mean, really, all that time to ponder, and find remorse, but none arrived. I suppose you are still treated like an insignificant bug. She should have never hired a psy (spy) chiatrist to ask me intrusive questions like that and never figure that she would be unethical, but that was the purpose of her hire. It seems so cold, sneaky, and owner type thinking. You are so warm and fun and caring and considerate and quick to apologise. It made me love you....along with your smile. My heart went crazy.  But the thing is that I am no big prize, a work in progress, even at my ancient age, but I feel so alive and wonderful and protective of you. Just don't go along with that horrid man. No matter how he tries to make punishment and waiting the right thing to do; it obviously is not and only designed to stall. I should not have been abused, or jailed. It was so terrible, you cannot imagine. I have been treated like the lowest of low. I find it ironic, since I was always the "goody two shoes" of the world, it seemed. Even my mother, called me that. I never got into trouble, did drugs, or anything like that, so here I am getting it all thrown at me, maybe to understand how it felt to be the bad person. I am sure I must be forgetting things, but on the whole, I was a good person. But,my friend and I used to TP the houses of people we either liked a lot, or disliked a lot. Once, I even took the kid, who was 8-9, I was babysitting with us. We put stockings over our heads, and she got the stocking caught in her braces. We ran into an old woman walking her dog and when she looked up and put the flashlight in our faces, screamed in terror. The homes were big and enormous yards. We found very colorful TP in neon colors. We visited the guy who lived there later and he had pictures of the TP job and we stole them. :-) Anyway, off on a tangent.....!

I do adore you with everything in me, but as I say, I am no prize, but I would love to know you, keep you safe and feeling loved. (That is my nightly prayer for you) but even my house has too much inside. I was about to go to a storage unit, but my license was gone and the virus made it wonky too. 

Why that awful man had to do this is amazing. I keep thinking that maybe it is something helpful and innocuous, but then I think how cruel he is and I just say.....No, he isn't being nice...at all.

Be well, stay safe! You are loved, very much!