Scrambled mess (◍•ᴗ•◍)

 I was up until around 4AM writing court stuff.  I was so tired, but so determined. I am frightened though, that someone will try and harm you.  Who would have ever thought that someone would take such a strange route to hold on to someone? I mean, isn't the basis of a relationship communication? How bizarre to get one's desires told through some twisted, opportunist attorney. If they do not have normal communication directly, there IS NO RELATIONSHIP! People need to speak to each other for God's sake! I could not live without it. I had to write during this time and express myself, I was hurting so much. I was so sad to lose you in my life. At one point, during the initial ugliness I felt like I was trying to keep myself from drowning. It was such a panic at times. I feel like I am reliving it by having to look at the papers. I get tense and cry and feel embarrassed. Then I have to remind myself that I am not a bad person and did not cause this, really. I never thought anyone would freak out by a few gifts. But I did realize that seeing you happy was the part I loved seeing. I was addicted to your happiness. I still am. I am so thrilled to think of your smile directed at me. It scrambled my brain and left me a helpless mess.  I was so in love. It has lasted, even with you gone.