Place

 Does your place of work force you to stay with her?

Deserve

 You deserve to be loved by yourself and by everyone else too. You are a caring person, but it makes you vulnerable to bad people. You need to do what is good for you, not them.

Over and over

 This has been like someone on the street being robbed and mugged over and over, with an audience and police cheering and applauding the robber over and over again, with no end in sight.

Something must be done!

huh?

 😢😕😧 Whatever......

Normal?

 I swear, when things get normal, I will hire a handy person to help around the house. . . .it needs it!

How

 I wonder if my friend is being clamped down upon? I wonder every so often.

I always wonder how he is doing.

Is he okay?

TC

 I grew some amazing looking black oyster mushrooms, now I need to find the best way to cook them. They are almost too pretty and weird to eat! I don't think I've ever had them before, unless they just looked so different after being cooked.

So, everything okay? Take care!

ND

 True love does not disappear.

Tries

 No one is allowed to hurt you. I need to know if anyone tries.

Too

 Don't ever be upset with me; it would make me too sad. 

Sorry

 As an ancestor of Queen Victoria, I feel an affinity with her in the necessity of writing out my thoughts and especially my grief.  The grief was manufactured by evil people and was unnecessary. 

I think I will be able to find an audience and will tell of the people who attacked and hurt me. I will make them sorry they were cruel and tried to kill me and you.

S

 My heart hurts with sorrow.

Keep

 Good Morning! Hope your day is lovely!

Did a lot of writing to some important people. Will keep it up!

Lots

 How are you today?

Lots to do, no motivation to do it.

But I will start.

I hope you have a lovely day!

Private

 I know that some of my posts are not entirely clear. I think it is because of my way of being purposefully private. 

Cry

 I am going to make mozzarella cheese today. I got cheese cloth and rennet. I will try a rennet alternative at some point too.  I really love Caprese, so I look forward to that.

I am not always angry is but it is not far under the surface when I think about the abuse and injustice and loss of a friend I have suffered. Sometimes all I want to do is cry.

There She Goes -Love it!

Terribly

I really am so weary of being away from you. It is such a deep ache. It has been terribly cruel. 

The Back Story of Mr. G and Jellybean

Much to do

 I wish I could know how you feel and if you are happy and What thoughts you have. I know it is more than I should mention, but who else cares besides me? 

I have so much to do; it seems like I could spend the rest of my life working on things and never be finished. 

I would like to go back to writing more poems for my own pleasure and to pay tribute to someone who makes life lovely and unique and my heart speed up like a hummingbird.

Talk

 I am dying to speak with you. Our conversations were so nice.

Point

 If you were here all questions would be a moot point. (Or at least communicate.)

Like

 You know, I can deal with any reality and any situation. I merely ask for the truth. I know what you have been through and that isn't a situation that is anything to me that is an issue. If I am correct she thinks it would be a problem for me, but it isn't, if anything, I love you more for having gone through it and coming out of it. If I am wrong, please pardon me. What I am in love with is you, so nothing is a problem. I think they have tried to make people think I have done something to you, humiliated you, or something, when that was never the case. If you merely want a friend and support, that is fine, I'd love a friend. If it were more, then I would be blessed.

I truly do not judge anyone. (But, I can love like mad!)

Believed

 I love you with every bit of me, but am I being blind?

You know I would risk life and limb for you. My heart is very tender. You hurt it so badly, many times, yet I always believed in you.

Grief

 If you care about me, you KNOW I care about you, but after like 6 years and pretty convincing negative jabs of hate toward me, what would you think? I have been so devoted, loyal, supportive and so in love, the cracks are beginning to show.

Please, for God's sake take pity on me! I am dying of grief and sadness!

Do you care about me?

What

 I am confused. Everything is the same! What help is that?

Should I hang in there for you?

(That is what I want to do.)

Hate

 Can't you tell how much I am hurting? Have I ever sounded like this before? 

If I didn't love you; I wouldn't be in such despair and torment.

Do you think many other people could last this long?

I hate this life. 

Stop

Prove yourself to me. 

Be nice to me. 

Stop hurting me, start hurting them!

Turn her in to the police and tell about him too.

Stop being a coward.

Hit

 That cowardly bitch is such a "class act" she had the children drive by my house and yell "Bitch" ,"Ho" at it. 

Why did I deserve that? She is insane and you will be next on her "hit" list.

(That was Millbrae, obviously.)

Just

 If you don't care about me, then just forget me.

If you do, please show it now.

(The actions spoke pretty loudly.) Why didn't you just stab me repeatedly?

Hurt

 If you are going to keep things as they are and never try and rescue me, or help me, then I never want to see you again.

Do you want to stay with that insane, murderous woman and that crooked, murderer "attorney" forever?

Why not break away and leave? Punch her in her ugly, nasty face and leave? 

Because you don't want to, do you? You would rather have me hurt, yes?

At all

 Do you like me?

If so, why betray me?

Do you think I would ever do that to you?

Am I just a joke to you?

I gave my love and support to you seriously and honestly.

Am I just another victim?

Do you care about me at all?

Coward!

 So, I sit here basically alone, no info, no help. I get tormented frequently. I treat people nicely, but am always treated like crap. What is with that?

Tell that nasty bitch that she is a coward and that she is too much of a little baby to face me and has other people beat up on me for her! She is no less than a TERRORIST, BULLY, COWARD!

Cowardice must be contagious!

My

 Am I disliked now for some reason?

My emails of complaint?

Non

 I guess I barely need to do anything and I seem to get negative responses. 

This is a harsh world, even by those who seem to be victims.

It tends to take a nice person and make them bitter and maybe not quite as nice any longer. 

Courage seems to not only be a rare commodity, but virtually non-existent.

Bad

 Good thing I never did anything wrong, or I might have gotten treated like shit.....oh wait!

Live

 No matter where I am, or what happens to me, you will always live in my heart.

Stop tar sands poison

 https://www.stopline3.org/take-action

Stop line three!

Radioactive

 I am very concerned about Russia planning on causing a tsunami of radioactive water from the Artic to New York.  It is a nightmare. 

Barely

 You gave me your good thoughts and prayers. I know it. I feel much better.

I can barely breathe.

Nail

 Should I forget about you? It would not be possible, but I will do what you want.

I have dreamed of you for so long, but you have had more freedom you see people. I understand. I guess, but I am sad. I will never come there w/o an invitation.

You are the only one I will ever want to know, or love. I would do anything for you. Come as my friend or as my acquaintance. I just don't want to lose you forever, okay?

I have never been treated with respect, or even decently. Should I expect it now? I have been beaten down hard. I cannot believe I am still here to talk about anything. Your partner tried to kill me. I think she is used to doing it. You need to stay safe. None of those people are to be trusted.

I would do anything to keep you safe. It doesn't matter how you feel about me, just don't lie about me. That is death to me. Anyone else, I don't care. You, it is another nail in my coffin.

HF

 Here it is, yet another Friday out of many. When will it turn into a happy Friday?

Mistake

 I think my Internet has been perhaps "compromised" . I think I made a mistake with an app. situation.

I hate and love technology.

Need

 I hope you enjoy your day. I would love to be there to enjoy it with you and help with anything you need.

Live

 You made my heart sing when it had fallen silent. 

The lyrics it sang were of hope and love and the beauty of your sweetness. The tune was light and gentle as a day in spring where life is carefree and pleasure is in the pure ecstacy of your smile and basking in your amazing care and compassion.  

Life can have unlimited possibilities when freedom is unlimited in mind and body.

You are only in my dreams for now, but the mere anticipation of reality will have to tide me over until then. 

I live for that day.

Happiness

 I still double over on pain, but it is less frequent.

I wish I could see you and stroke your forehead and soothe your worries and cares. I would hug you and love you and make you happy.

Roller

 Don't take my down days deadly seriously, nor my days when I sound derogatory. I am going to have roller coaster times, but you can always bring me back with my thoughts of you. 

I will always love you.

Never

 I am still here. I am still supporting. I am still loving you without any restriction. I am always ready to help.

They will never let you go. 

See

 Spoke with someone to help me with the "thing". We shall see.....

I think taking things in one's own hands is often more effective and faster!

Met

 I just want normal living again. We both deserve that. You are a human being with no obligation to anyone. You have met your responsibilities. No one has to dedicate their life to anyone else, that is slavery. There is always an exit route. Contracts can be broken, especially when they only benefit one side.

Your safety should never be at risk. Do what feels right for you, no one else.

Hugs

 I need a hug.

As lovely

 All I ever wanted was for life to be as lovely for you as you made it feel for me.

Believing

 I had always wanted to be upbeat and positive, but sometimes, it is just too much to ask of myself. It has been outrageous, what has been done to me. I know I am not the only one suffering, but why should anyone? I mean, when people's lives are at stake, it has gone too insanely far. People are not toys. When the people perpetrating it never come to their senses, or reality, or compassion, then drastic measures need to be taken, or forever cower under their dominion as their prisoners. That goes against my grain. I have been fighting not only against the assault against my human rights, but against my very life and various components of it as well. I am in pain most of the time and live in fear for my life and for yours as well, because one has a great impact on the other. The gaslighting also takes a huge toll emotionally as does being devastatingly blindsided. 

Cruelty becomes the expected way of life, but NOT the accepted way of life! NEVER will I accept that behavior as normal! I know demons from angels and no one can confuse me as to who is who; even if they are talented actors. I just do not accept the status quo they are trying to sell me.

 Sometimes the heart sees more clearly than what is presented to the eye.

I'd rather die believing my heart anyway.

Mean

 Do you want me to forget you exist?

How can I do that?

You mean life to me.

🥬 Cabbage

 https://www.tfhd.com/cardiacpulmonary-rehabilitation

Cabbage 🥬 helps kidneys!

Vacuums

 I admit, I love vacuums and carpet cleaners! I may not get to them all of the time, but I want to....

Safe

 I just wish l could see you again. I am not interesting right now, but I would love to watch SNL with you. Do you like it? I do sometimes. I would love to snuggle. Then I would like anything.

I am sorry I have said some kind of snarky things. I am getting them all out. I just don't understand. If I get to see you, I am not going to bring it up again. I don't want to ever see you sad, or upset again.

Please come see me, or just come to be safe. 

Eat

 I wish I could speak with you.  It is a quiet evening. The scallops were very nice. I cannot eat as much as before, which is good, so half my food is left.  l presume I will want the rest tomorrow.

Hopefully you had a nice dinner and are having a good evening. 

The news is making me sick. The violence is rampant. Everyone is a target. 

And

 Lately, all I do is mope around. 

I think I may be recovering from the kidney issue. After my birthday I had no wine at all, before not much at all. I put a bottle of Sherry in my wine club basket in December and it is still there. Anyway, cannot tax the kidneys. Taking stone crushers on a regular basis and drinking lots of spring water. Once in awhile, I get a MF'ER stab of pain that doubles me over, but lying down seems to shorten the frequency.

I ordered some scallops on Amazon. They arrived. Cannot remember when I last had them. I have to decide when to cook them. I remember how much I used to like them.

My friend in Southern California is working on helping to save our wetlands. They are such a big part of the environment. Some asshole Republican shut her down at a town meeting and said, "we don't have time for this!" Yeah, no time for the only place we have to live! All the Republicans have time for is to stuff their pockets, disenfranchise voters and pretend terrorists are patriots!

The world will always have its massive share of assholes!

Anytime you want to come here, do.  It won't be picture perfect yet, but it is a place to feel safe and welcome!

(And loved!)

Life

 You hurt me terribly, but you also gave me the best feelings of my life. 

Ever

 I am not someone you could ever love.

Advantage

 I am so tired of cruel people taking advantage of nice people and feeling justified in destroying their lives. 

I was taken from a rather naive woman who wanted to see someone who was kind to her, look happy, into someone villified and torn down to the lowest denominator. I have had my caring, kind life so casually dragged down to garbage, merely because a selfish woman decided that I harmed her by thanking my compassionate doctor for his dedicated work on my behalf. When it became her business, I have no clue.

This has been where decency and law came to die. To allow people with money to smear a good person just so they can feel better about themselves is wrong. 

If they think that by destroying someone else transformes them into someone good and decent:

THEY ARE WRONG!

IT JUST MAKES THEM PATHETIC AND SAD! 

Heaven

 You will be my last thought.

Sad

 A friend from high school died and I feel vulnerable and sad. I feel like my life is drifting away.

Ever

 I hope things were okay for you today. I was feeling somewhat better today. I find that if I lie down for long periods the pain lets up quite a bit. Never thought I'd miss moving around so much. I think I will be all well soon. 

I wish you would come here; do you think that could ever happen?

Away

 I would love to go off somewhere nice and relaxing with you and just be around you for awhile and get re- aquainted for awhile. I mean, I know how much I think of you, but years were robbed away. I miss you incredibly.

Warm home

 Are you able to do things on your own? Can you do normal daily tasks like go to the store, or post office, drive home? If so, couldn't you just drive away? You have a right to keep yourself safe.

You seem to be losing weight. Is it from being upset? I guess your clothes no longer fit. Your face looked taut. I know everything was stressful. I would have enjoyed seeing you otherwise, but for the situation.

I didn't know how much it hurt me until later. They have beaten the crap out of me. They have done it to keep her happy, but how can anyone be happy knowing they are forcing someone to be with them? The entire point of being with a particular person is the compatibility and enjoying spending time with them. If they are always sullen, or sad, or frightened, where is the fun, or enjoyability? I want to see a smiling, happy, relaxed, caring face looking at me, or I would say "forget it, they aren't happy, time to part." Isn't that normal? Does she just figure it will be better after time? I care too much about people to knowingly make them suffer. It seems not to bother her. I think it could be competition. She senses someone else cares, so it got her interest going. It is insulting to you and it is insulting to her. She could be enjoying life and so could you. What good is a nice place to live without love to warm it up? Otherwise, all it is, is an investment, not a home.

You deserve a home full of love.

🐟🐠 fishy

Time to make dinner. There are some fish fillets. I will make cole slaw. Nice combo. Just got some scallops online, I haven't had those for ages! There was a nice restaurant Palo Alto that had great scallops. I forgot the name. Guess it isn't important.

I miss that area, but love the ocean. I do like to go to the Church of the Nativity when I am in the area of Menlo Park. My grandmother lived there for awhile and took care of Nan Wood. It aged her to have Nan live with her, but they were nearly sisters, having known each other all their lives. I took care of Nan sometimes to give her a break. Nan was sweet, but a tiny bit demanding. Since she became blind, I helped her edit her book. It was enjoyable.

I have neglected washing dishes, I will eat and then get to it. Back later.

In my thoughts!

Died

I went to the house where they took Lincoln and where he died. There was a plastic box over the bloodied pillow. Such an eerie place to be. 

Need To know

 You know I would do anything to help you, right? You don't even need you feel the same back.

I just need to know.

To know

 I need larger numbers to know things are seen.

Only

 I can hear the waves crashing around. They are going wild.

I hope you get good rest and enjoy the day. I got the paint I ordered, so if I feel well enough, I may prepare to paint the floors. Take good care of yourself and know you are in my heart. 

Bless you.

Tough woman

 I heard that the woman who beat up her attacker got over $600,000 in a gofund me account.  That is so wonderful!

Remember

 Don't forget, I love you.

Ache

 I ache to see you.

Harp

 My son sent a lot of lovely birthday gifts! How sweet! 1 was a 10 string lyre harp! Sounds fun! I should make an effort to learn it! Comes with a great back pack. A leather journal, a fountain pen, and chimes! They are all so earthy and beautiful! I feel grateful and blessed.

But missing you so much.

Call

 My gen doc called to set up a video call. 

A-holes

 It angers me that the sneaky con artists can set up the con, but don't care if their patsy is found guilty of going along with it. As usual, criminals care only about themselves.

A-holes.

Cry

So happy to hear that an elderly Asian woman in SF kicked the ass of a man in his mid-thirties who punched her in the face! How wonderful for her standing up for herself! That man should be held for attempted murder! He could have killed her! I would love to send her a get well card and flowers!  She is a heroine by letting other people in her situation know they can stand up for themselves. Those cowardly attackers strike by blindsiding the older citizens. It is barbaric.

It breaks my heart that people can be so cruel. I saw an older Asian man with two black eyes on the news. It made me cry. What human being does that to another person, especially a precious older one? They don't, but a monster does!

https://www.dailykos.com/story/2021/3/18/2021722/-76-year-old-Asian-woman-is-attacked-Beats-the-s-out-of-her-assailant-with-a-wood-plank

Yay.

🌞

 🌅 A very Happy Day to you! 

Please don't believe bad things they may say about me. They are not true and their motives are not honorable.

Not

You have left me in a severe depression. 

Why did you do this to me? 

I did nothing but try and help you. Why did you turn on me? 

I guess I am a fool, since it has not killed my love.

Available

 I know I have not been in the best frame of mind, but I have been through a lot of mental cruelty and felt like the one who has had my heart treated unfairly and badly as much as they have treated him. But, I saw him looking thin and my heart reached out to him. I loved him even when he said awful things about me. I carry him in my heart and I get over bad things and go on loving him. All I want is to take care of him and be affectionate. I did nothing to deserve bad treatment. I know that my desires are merely a dream of mine. I did nothing improper, but bad people prevail.

I wish he loved me, but I understand if he does not. They probably do mental torture. Who wants kindness and love, when mental torture, murderers and scammers are available......?

Could it ever be?♾️❤️

Apart

They figured that I lasted this long they would let me see you run me down to the lowest degree and I would fall apart. 

No, I survived. It hurt a lot, but I survived.

How am I supposed to appeal this w/o saying you lied? I could say you were forced by threat.

I can't do that. Help me.

I wish we were together, then it would be over and I could not testify against you. I cannot hurt you. Wish you could say that same thing about me.

The edge

 

Future Tense~

You are my walk on the beach

The dance of my soul

The spiritual call of a 

vast Universe….

Answers to questions 

that had

forever plagued 

my pondering mind

When I met 

you 

love was too

small a word for 

my emotions

Days rushed by so fast...

Until you were gone….

Then time became 

as languid

and lingering 

as 

molasses on 

a hard frozen 

day

Thoughts of distant 

travel 

would 

begin with you 

and end with you

No views of the Seine 

or the Louvre

could compete with the 

intensity 

of your 

locked-in-compassion 

eyes….

Melding 

with romantic

dreams of 

my heart….

and that slow

  cocky 

smile

nearing the 

slender edge 

of 

mockery 

lying 

askew

on your proudly 

sensuous 

lips

That burn a 

hole 

through 

my trembling

      Present

and non-stop

into my

hopeful 

but tenuous….

     Future

~Haviva

© HVM 2019

Blessing

 I told you before that I apologised for being in love with you. But I lied. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. It was the greatest blessing of my life and I will never have another. 

Forever

 You don't want to see me again. I want to see you more than again. I want to see you forever. 

Now

 I am sure I am dying anyway.

I don't care now.

Beautiful

 I no longer have a life.

After I met you and you became a part of me, that was my life. I no longer have my life. You knew my thoughts. I had talks with you without speaking. You were so happy to hear from me. I was so happy to hear from you. Why do those people have the right to be cruel?

I cannot stand to be away from you entirely. Everything inside me crumbles when I think of you and I sob. 

You are such a part of me.

Remember when you called me right after a long day? You said I was the first one you thought of to call. 

It was the most precious thing anyone ever did for me. Nothing could ever be better. Don't denigrate our sweet times with ugly words against me. It tears down the beauty that is you. I resent it. I will not allow you to run down that beautiful person I love so much.

So, stop it.

I

 I love you.

That is nothing like obsessed.

Only emotionally dead don't know the difference.

LY

Please do what you want, but tell them to remove legal restraints from me. You have messed up the chances you had to get away from them. I don't know why you did that. I don't understand any of this.

You know if you need me to help rescue you, I will. Stay away from that woman who is an obvious murderer. Stay in your room and keep the door locked.

I love you and your family in Heaven loves you.

Sacrificing

 Please stop them from hurting me! I am a good person, why did you make me sound obsessed? Everything was a lie! You were sacrificing me to save yourself! Is that who you are?

I don't understand I was so proud of you.

😢

Away

 No matter how bitter I may sound, I will never desert you, if you need me. I will always love you. Please get away from them.

Besides

 I am an innocent person being beaten up on so your insane partner, lesbian lover, wife, whatever, can feel more secure. She will do this to anyone you are friendly with. Who else has she attacked, anyone, oh, besides your mother? Turn her in to the police.  Is she going to rip more parts off? She is a monster.

Too

 Please don't hurt me. I love you and have always been loyal. I would never hurt you. I have been treated like garbage and even been put in jail. 

Did they do that to your mother too before they killed her?

Happy

 Sometimes I am left happy, but others, I am just twisting in the wind. I spent so much time trying to help you, but I guess there is no good deed that doesn't go unpunished.

Wait until I get my story out to the public! That should make the assholes happy

Monster

 I guess if you want to see me, you will, if not you won't. My suffering will have possibly been for nothing. I will however keep trying to put that monster in prison for all the things she has done to me.

I have no idea what is meant.

My life is just fucked.

LF

 MP said you were crazy. Do you want to stay with people who think that way about you, or with someone who loves you and will be there for you, no matter what. 

I would never make you sad, or frightened. I would do whatever you wanted and make life sweet and centered around you. You are my delight. I love you so much and forever.

Yet

 Do you want to stay with those people who hurt you?

Has she given you a lobotomy yet? That will be next.

See

 Do you want me to fight to be able to see you? I will fight like Hell, as I have been, but if you keep shooting me down, what can I do?

Do you want to see me?

If you don't want to see me, drop the legal thing and You will never see me again.

I need to be certain. Do you want to see me again?

Sometime

 I had written another lament about how nothing will ever change, unless the captive revolts. 

Sneak me in sometime.....

I think one way is to be the most miserable housemate ever. Don't be good company, live a solitary life..... Be unfriendly.