I will do anything to look and feel better, but only if I have   your watchful eye keeping
things safe and correct. Prior, I was doing well with my walk group, which often only was a group of one, but I was shaping up, losing weight. Even then I was being put down and cruel things said. High fiving was fun and it made me feel great. But, thinking back, I
endured so much. I never could understand why things were being done to me. So many cruel and cowardly people surrounded you. It was confusing and hurtful. I just want to get all of this over and go from there. I love you madly, but good grief, I suffered terribly. I know it could not have been easy for you either. Be my friend. I want to make you happy, safe and secure. Unless you don't,  that isn't a pleasant thought, but that is freedom of choice. You seemed to desire it anyway. I would sell my home and disappear. I would be too sad to stay even here, if you weren't my friend. I would probably not care what happened to me. It is like "Out of Africa" where Karen pushes the painful thoughts to the point of almost not being able to bear them any longer and then goes one step further. I torture myself with the sad thoughts to brace myself for the worst feelings and pain,  so I won't fall apart as badly. I hope anyway. The people who put me (us) through the bad are monsters and cowards. Neither of us has any claim to those evil monikers. Grace and dignity are not their calling cards.
I also felt the most beautiful love ever. Thank you.