Just when I found a new storage place, all this Hell dropped down and prevented it. It just does not pay to have too much stuff, or go from a much larger place to much smaller with too much stuff. I had 50 years of my great aunt and uncle's things to go through and it was a long, tiring job. Also doing that from my home prior with my own belongings was tough. It turns into a monster and makes people slaves to their belongings. It is a vicious circle of a problem.
Monday, August 31, 2020
Last words
The firefighter who treated Princess Diana as she lay fatally injured in a Paris tunnel has said he was certain she would survive the crash. Twenty years after the tragedy, Sergeant Xavier Gourmelon, who led the response team, said the Princess of Wales' last words were: “My God, what's happened?”
As much
The thought of cancer never saddened me as much as the thought of never seeing you again.
Me?
I haven't been able to get my house in order. I keep copying papers and worrying. I feel like I need to restore a large forest.
I hate reading the depressing legal things that mean people said and the weird things people have said to me over the years and the way things were done to make me feel pain. I knew the things that were done to me were as a punishment.
I thought that my skin had thickened, but I guess not. That doctor accused me of having no emotions, or feelings. I cried because I wanted you to be there to make her berating stop. She said, "well at least you can cry, even if it just for yourself." She just went on and on.
How could that be something a person could do to another. Could they really believe those things about me?
Path
I hope you are well.
I don't ever want do, or say anything wrong as far as you are concerned. I only want to be a positive element to you.
I was just watching a program about Diana's dresses. Then, I saw one dress that nearly matched the embroidery on a blouse that I planned to wear to court. I never wore it before. Maybe it will be good luck.
I need it. If I have a smile from you, it will be my blessing. My life will be on a happier path. You always make anything better.
I don't want to be sad any longer. I know it will kill me, if it continues.
I am very worried.
Sunday, August 30, 2020
Not again
I won't be able to survive if they do this again.
Your desire
I want to take care of you and love you always, if it is also your desire.
Stop this
I love an ocean view, but I'd love a view of you so much more.
Will you break away and be free? It is the only way this will end. The judge can stop it.
Truth again
Letter
Perfect
I am trying keep it together. This false TRO is making me feel worse. It not only harms my health, but it takes away finances from my household and friends who have been depending on me to help them financially at this time. I cannot be okay, while others are suffering. I cannot feed myself while others are hungry, not even animals. I cannot even be of comfort to my mother on a regular basis. We did not have a close relationship anyway, but she does not want to hear about my troubles, so I call and sound falsely cheery and don't know what to say. This thing is the biggest problem and issue in my life, next to the way our country is under demolition by the one who is supposed to be protecting it.
Some days I feel like I cannot go on, like I am falling apart. It is affecting my friends too. I never got a text message from my friend using all caps and 4 letter words before. She is sweet, quiet and caring, but now, I have her enveloped in my crap. I was looking for a kind word and support, but I never stopped to think it might affect her, or my son. I know this has harmed him and his peace and serenity. This has been a tiny ripple of shame and disgust that has spread out and gotten larger in its sphere of negative influence. It amazes me that people like that attorney and that self-centered woman can just keep doing this to someone they know did nothing. If they think I want anything, they are wrong. I want to be able to enjoy the smile of my friend and the warmth of his kindness.
Dr. Moayeri is responsible for making her relationship good, but she obviously doesn't care enough to do it and thinks even neglect should make him happy. People are not pets where you can just give them the bare necessities and they would be grateful for it; humans need attention, caring, affection, respect, show an interest in them, at the very least. Love would sure be nice. I feel that she only wants an income making pet, not a human being, she can't be bothered, in fact, she doesn't sound like someone who could handle a dog, or a cat, thay do need affection, and create some messes. I saw the perfect pet for her, it slithered across the sidewalk a couple of days ago.....
Saturday, August 29, 2020
Terror in the night....and daytime too.
CIV 536 967 11 messages |
Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Sun, Sep 22, 2019 at 1:28 AM | |||||||||
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Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Sun, Sep 22, 2019 at 1:56 AM | |
To: Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | ||
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Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | Sun, Sep 22, 2019 at 3:14 PM | |
To: Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | ||
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Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Sun, Sep 22, 2019 at 10:26 PM | |
To: Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | ||
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Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Mon, Sep 23, 2019 at 1:50 AM | |
To: Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | ||
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Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | Mon, Sep 23, 2019 at 3:01 PM | |
To: Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | ||
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Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Mon, Sep 23, 2019 at 3:11 PM | |
To: Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | ||
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Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | Mon, Sep 23, 2019 at 3:30 PM | |
To: Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | ||
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Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Mon, Sep 23, 2019 at 4:02 PM | |
To: Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | ||
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Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> | Sat, Oct 12, 2019 at 4:15 PM | |
To: Jeff Lusk <wjefflusk1@gmail.com> | ||
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Stunning
The more I write about you and how much you have suffered, my ache grows more painful and my heart beats harder. I feel like holding you so much.
Your eternal beauty stuns me.
Ls and Ts
I have been wanting to write another poem for you, but this court thing has me topsy-turvy.
Screw the liars and tormentors! Do what you want and be free!
Email to Judge and Attorney
Mr. Guasco,
Chance
You showed me such caring and respect. I want to show my gratitude and love to you. My feeling have only grown over the years. I promise to always keep you safe and always feel loved, if I should be blessed to have the chance.
Dancer
I always admired your gracefulness. I said it would a dancer to shame.
Poems
I could never have written so many poems for anyone else. (Probably not even one.) Good,nor bad, they came from love and grief.
Beatles for Sale
I have rediscovered Beatles. That album is romantic and emotional. It hits me in my emotional zone. It may be actually a confluence of the album's. But I did not appreciate them as much as a child as now
A while new world.
Oatmeal
Oatmeal, raisins and cinnamon sounds good for my late afternoon breakfast! No milk, so plain yogurt will do.
My phone is so difficult to use for writing. It puts in wrong punctuation, takes out words, scrambles them up, etc.
Hope your day is good. Hugs!
Sentient
Life should not be so difficult. It should be as full of caring and love as possible. It feels like you are supposed to be a robot, not the warm, kind, sentient person that you are. Don't let them rob you of that.
All that matters....
During my work, reading old emails was so sad,some of the harsh emails. I think they could have been from MP hacking, but I was so frustrated because of not being able to talk directly to you much of the time. I thought I was being so good, by ignoring you. I should not have been there at the conf., I guess but I really did want to hear KH speak. I was lucky to have her sit next to me and give me a small exam. I just couldn't be normal around you. I was so nervous from my emotions. Then, when I got home, MP called me a stalker. She didn't care that I had been told about the conference and that it was my health issue. I told myself I was going to leave a wide path, but I guess that was impossible. That doctor from Taiwan really wanted me to move there. I thought maybe I should do that, so I would not be in your way, but he did not contact me again. I think I would have been so sad, but this has been pretty awful anyway. It was too many people involved that caused the confusion.....but that is how they intended it to be. I did not know how to deal with my feelings. I was a mess. I am embarrassed, but I have never had such nice feelings before. I know I would do anything for you. It is amazing for me to know that truth. I ran away to this area to not be accused of false bad things. I never even saw the place before I moved here and bought it. I have been accused of so many things. I was made into a monster. All I was, was in love. I still am. If I am stiff acting, it is just my feeling shy and under the gun. I am really tired. I just enjoyed being around you so much. You were so kind, then they jumped in with ugliness. But in their part in it, they treated you badly and I felt so defensive for you. They infiltrated, not tried to help. They set off a nuclear blast, not peace, or honesty; it was all subversive and covert. It made me so worried for you, I was frantic. I see now, it was someone who feared losing you, but it did not feel like a fear of losing love. If they loved you, they would not have put you through this and they would have spoken to you, not put you through it all. I think it was made bad to keep you from ever being nice to anyone again. You seem like a commodity, not a beloved, adored partner. If they had been actually in love, they would not handled it the way they did. Then to get that scary doctor to terrorize me and call me selfish, and someone who takes what belongs to others, really made me feel like you are a piece of property, not a delight of the heart. It seems like they figured you could be bullied into submission forever. I hated that. You should be free and loved. No one should be treated that way, but you are so lovely and so loving, you should not be deprived of love and respect. I have so much of it to give you. I want to give, not take. You need to always feel as amazing as you are, not beaten down. They want me to be blamed and for you to hate me. They don't like love, because it creates loyalty and a tenacity to never let bad happen, but they used law to cripple, not help. All I know is that no matter what, if you needed me I would not let you down and you would only find love and respect from me. Be careful around them. Let truth be the the shining light; it will defeat them. Love is all that matters and they don't have it.
After 5 AM!
I had decided I wasn't going to work on the thing, but somehow I did anyway. I am panicking about the (ill)legal stuff. I also decided that I was not going to stay up late, but I did; it is after 5 AM! Having trouble relaxing.
All I want to do is grab your hand and run off and just savor being with you.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Kaiser. Sort by date Show all posts
Monday, February 29, 2016
Is Kaiser Hospital Pursuing Frivolous Restraining Orders Against its Patients?
Thinking
No one
I am so tired of this crap. I cannot imagine it ever happening to anyone else.
Friday, August 28, 2020
Snake
I have been so tired today. I guess I will go to sleep early (for me). I saw a snake slither across my path; I nearly screamed, but managed to stop myself. It was just a garter snake. Something a bit out of the ordinary. I used to see big fat rattle snakes where I used to live in the desert.
Cozy
It is cold and foggy today. It is the kind of day that makes one want to snuggle in a cozy warm bed and sip hot chocolate with a drop of brandy, or a cup of herbal tea and enjoy a croissant with unsalted butter and a bit of strawberry preserves. Then......
Innocent people
I hate all the violence and ugliness in the country. I just want peace and love and happiness. Why do people have to put their anger against innocent people?
Life
You must live your idea of life, not that of a cruel narcissist.
Subtle
Thursday, August 27, 2020
Through it.
You lift me up. I could not have gotten through it all without the thoughts of you.
My way
If I had my way, I would hug you for the longest time anyone ever saw.
Deep
I feel such an ache from missing you. Sometimes it starts with a stab in the heart, other times it comes like a flash of lightening. No one has ever made such an impact on my life and my heart. The anticipation of seeing you again takes my breath away. It is a thousand prayers answered and a blessing from invisible angels who helped me survive the incredibly difficult times.
Never
This was in no way your legal stuff. you would never do this to me.
Too much
How awful that that poor man was shot 7 times! One would have hoped the other deaths would have had an impact on the racist thinking, but this has set it back.
Fake
I cannot take another fake out by the attorney. I thought you would be there for the extension. It was a farce. I was run all over. Nothing in it was real. The attorney is going at it for that woman. If she could back off the issue and let you to do what you want, it could help her, but then again she seems like a monster and doesn't deserve it. I offered so many times to hold harmless, but no acceptance. Now, it has been so long and that recent attack by Dr. Moon shows that woman has not changed a bit. I have struggled with emotions for a very long time. It has not been easy. Did she even try to be nice to you? I have been suffering so much, because I hate confrontation. I guess it is why the stress got to me so hard.
I just want to forget the crap. I want to only to be near you and know you. I have been longing for it.
Food
I would like to understand Leptin in regard to weight and maybe use it to lose weight. Dr. Lustig makes sense. I just think there is something very wrong...out of whack with me. It seems that exercise was essential, plus eating well, but very little. I don't do the shopping and don't always get what I want. When I get back out,I will do more shopping I will get more fresh. Weird that even being near the ocean, fish is outrageously expensive here. Usually a long trip away to Safeway makes better foods more affordable. One fresh veggie that I can easily get and I do, but I just hate the plastic container. I like to be the guinea pig for change. I look at everything as a chance to find answers that can help others.
Metabolic syndrome.
Subject
Dr. Lustig's (UCSF)
talks are fascinating as well as very important. I am very aware of foods that contain high fructose corn syrup. I believe the lack of exercise on my part has been harsh. Having no access to fast food has been good, but I had already been at a pretty low level on that front. It is too bad all this happened, because I was on a path with amazing results. I remember when you spoke about muscle and fat in regard to BMI. Scales do not tell the entire story. Dr. Lustig said that doctors who base weight on health are commiting malpractice. I think he is realistic and intelligent on the subject of weight.
Leptin. I just wanted to keep that as a subject to look into further.
Caution
I know I say to you to tell the truth, but if you know you could be harmed, caution must taken. I just think that it needs to be a case of abrupt change, or there is a chance of going along forever. The people we are dealing with are extremely opportunistic and look for any opening to wedge themselves into. I want you to be safe and live the life that makes you happy.
Maybe..
If the K people were actually honest about my having breast cancer, then perhaps what I took as a combination with their med, got rid of it fast! This could be a very interesting study! Wow if that is true, that could help others too!
Good
I was able to get a suite to be able to stay overnight before the date down there. The hotels must be hurting, because it was even less than a normal room. I still have a driver, since they still won't renew my driver license! I keep sending them the money they want, but they just sent everything back and said I must go to an office. I told them that would be too dangerous for my health. Seems like everything runs"between a rock and a hard place." It is something that Attorney did, it must be so. He and his mob come up with the most cruel, f'd up stuff! I wish you would stay away from them to be safe. I am seriously worried for you. They have done so much evil. A happy person is not a caged person! Be alert! Get away and be strong! No place of business should condone this! It should be something that should be like a Congressional hearing! You have become a commodity, not a human being. I love you so much that I want you free to live how you want. If I can fill a roll of happiness for you, then my life will be complete. I can see that someone might hope you would stay in their life, because you are so wonderful, but it seems like they are all just using you for their happiness and do not give back. That can kill someone. I only want your happiness, it seriously makes me feel so damn good!
Scrambled mess (◍•ᴗ•◍)
I was up until around 4AM writing court stuff. I was so tired, but so determined. I am frightened though, that someone will try and harm you. Who would have ever thought that someone would take such a strange route to hold on to someone? I mean, isn't the basis of a relationship communication? How bizarre to get one's desires told through some twisted, opportunist attorney. If they do not have normal communication directly, there IS NO RELATIONSHIP! People need to speak to each other for God's sake! I could not live without it. I had to write during this time and express myself, I was hurting so much. I was so sad to lose you in my life. At one point, during the initial ugliness I felt like I was trying to keep myself from drowning. It was such a panic at times. I feel like I am reliving it by having to look at the papers. I get tense and cry and feel embarrassed. Then I have to remind myself that I am not a bad person and did not cause this, really. I never thought anyone would freak out by a few gifts. But I did realize that seeing you happy was the part I loved seeing. I was addicted to your happiness. I still am. I am so thrilled to think of your smile directed at me. It scrambled my brain and left me a helpless mess. I was so in love. It has lasted, even with you gone.