If I knew you would be happy to see me at the end, I could endure anything.

But now, I feel like Schrodinger's cat, only I don't know what I will find when (if) I am let out of the box. I know it is my own doing, being in the box, to some degree, not going anywhere, or actually enjoying life, but it is how I want it, because I feel like people are different and I don't want to know them. I loved you even when I didn't understand what was going on, but you were there for me when it was important. The other things were not you, even if you did them.
I believe in you, no matter what.

Knowing you was like finding an oasis and peace and love and joy; everything that made life lovely. Every emotion that made one feel like they could do the impossible, like they found the warm comfort of home. It felt so natural being with you. It felt safe. I did not believe the bad parts, because I knew you could never really want to hurt me. I know that certain circumstances create situations of which we must endure, but losing you was like losing something so essential to life that it has been crippling without it.
Losing you was as sudden to me as a car crash, and instead of being cared for, was left to scrape myself off the pavement and try and heal myself, with people coming along and excoriating me and treating me as if I were the most hated in the world. People in law who should be trusted, were not trustworthy, because truth didn't stand up for me and make them stop hurting me, over and over again and then planting the seed of hopelessness and despair in me as a "parting gift."

I have been adrift.

Maybe you have already forgotten me, maybe not.

This has not been what anyone has described as a waiting period, it has been much longer and with cruel attacks. But I hold you in my heart, it's just that my heart hurts so much, because no matter how much I try and be alone with my pain, cruelty makes it's appearance one way, or another. 

Just have a happy life and be well. I wish I could celebrate your birthday. It means a lot to me. That is why I risked trouble to bring gifts that time so long ago. It feels terrible not knowing how you are doing.

Do you remember me at all? I know you remember everything, but maybe you decided to forget, since I am a part of a bad time anyone would want to forget.