I have been sad for too long. I hate this life.

The decline of America is bothering me. I feel so agitated and upset.

I loved the way you said my name. You made my heart melt.

It was a nice sendoff.....to jail.

Not jail, nor anything else, could ever stop me from being in love with you. 

I miss you so much.

I have been looking forward so much to the day I can see you again.

This Senate stuff has me in a bad mood. Maybe I will make Raisin Bran muffins. :-)

This time has been spent in deep reflection and emotion. I have no difference in my feelings, except those of longing have become more prominent. 

Sometimes I just need to vent by listening to music and singing.

I am so tired of people.

I do feel your kindness.

I have gone through such a range of emotions. They never thought I'd be so tough. I think most of it was worrying about you.

I had to learn how to soothe myself.

It really was "one day at a time."

It really was hard having people scream in my face, saying cruel things. They said things I knew weren't true. People treating me like I was garbage. No one wanting to help me. I had to find ways to keep my self-respect. I am already hard on myself, but having people run me down made it more difficult. I froze. I stayed isolated. I felt guilty. Having judges act like I was the worst person they had ever seen was really awful. I knew they had been bribed, but it didn't make it better. I used to blame myself for everything. I was ashamed about how I felt. It terrified me that the horrible people might hurt my friend. Once I got that in my head, nothing made me feel better. I begged everyone to keep him safe. He always kept me safe and still does in ways. Love has tenacity. They tried so hard to shake my faith and it annoyed them when it didn't happen.

I won't "Drop through the cracks." But, I don't want another stranger poking at me.
I have odd things that go on with my health, but trust is important to me.
All I want to do is be able to talk to my friend again. Hear what he has to say and go on from there. This is not my world. It is foreign to me. I did not know people could be so self-centered and devious. I guess it shocked me. I don't trust people, only my friend. I was an open book. I still am, but worry that they will ramp up their cruelty.

Anyway, I have to deal with my health weakness. I had  been unable to walk well, but doing better. I push myself and then rest. I hate being in a mess, but I need to stop letting it bother me. I do what I can. I cannot find help to hire and I have to work hard on my "renter" to pitch in. He has a good heart, but he does not like to do housework. I have to stop caring, but I hate mess. Anyway, there are more important things in life, like a horrible man running this country who wants to destroy our Earth. It terrifies me.

Be well. You are on my mind all of the time. That is lovely.

"If I should live forever and all my dreams come true, my memories of love will be of you."
~John Denver

John Denver Autograph

John Denver - You Say the Battle Is Over (from The Wildlife Concert)

I may be listening to John Denver, but I am spending time with you.

Trentino 2010 - The Mountain Song (John Denver).avi

John Denver ~ In the Grand Way ~ Baz.

"Honey, did I never say how time goes by so slowly
When I can't wait to get back home to you...." ~John Denver

When I miss you so much that I hurt, I listen to John Denver to help me go on.

I love your caring ways.

This Old Guitar - John Denver

"How sweet it is to love someone, how right it is to care"
~John Denver

~ JOHN DENVER ~ My Sweet Lady ~

John Denver Cold Nights In Canada

I need some comfort, so listening/singing to, "An Evening with John Denver." (I think I was at this concert!)

I do need to do physical therapy. I can't stand very long w/o pain.

If not you, then no one.

I could never work for a place that allows such cruelty to be done to myself and to others. I know they are rich and powerful, but nothing excuses placing innocent people in danger. But, I cannot pass judgment, I do not walk in your shoes. I cannot stop caring about you, no matter what. The people who set this up are terrible, cruel, people, who need to be punished, but all I can do is tell my story and pray for your safety. Then, depending on outcome, I will discontinue my membership, sell my home, buy an RV and go away, never to be heard from again, by anyone.
But, I will carry your memory in my heart and mind as the most extraordinary, beautiful time of my life.

You did want to be my friend, right? Please don't let time hurt that. I know we would be such amazing friends. I really never knew I could still feel for you the same way as I did after the last time I saw you. My heart is so dedicated.

I only want you to look after me, so if that is not possible, I don't want anyone, but thanks. There is nothing good about life when you are not in it, so it doesn't matter anyway.

All of the deception, lies, cruelty and gaslighting were not helpful and most certainly not kind, in fact I had to pull out every reserve of strength to get through it. I love you so much, I would have done anything you requested; it is still that way.

You have always tried to look after me, even when it was difficult. I always appreciated it and loved you for it. No one has cared so much about me. I truly love you, but it is all up to you.

I've missed you.

I have no expectations. I never did.
I just love unconditionally.

It has not been an easy time. 

Someone said in a police report that I was obsessed. I was worried and I was grateful. Only twisted minds and liars turn truth into lies!

I have never made demands on anybody! I have no right and I would never do that to anyone!

I admire those who help others in the health field, but with serious health outbreaks, I worry for their safety. Please be safe.

I will back my friend forever, even if it harms me somehow.

No human beings should be treated the way the two participants in this were treated.

No one tells me anything, so I am getting used to living in the dark. It isn't a nice way to live, but no one gives me a choice.

Have a sweet day!
I love nice feelings.

Please don't give up on me.

I will never give up on you.

I don't want anyone else. I will stay alone if I must.

The pain and tiredness are taking a toll on me.

I do trust you.

I wish I could have your comfort. I certainly want to comfort you, when you need it.

I feel your kindness vibe around me. I am just kind of feeling all over the place. I am scared. I am sad. I am so worried. I wish I were so much better than I am, because I care so much about you.
I just want to see you again.

 I want to hear you say my name again.

Don't let my writing change anything, I am doing it so I don't fall apart. I know that no one sees this anyway. Nothing on counters. I pretend. I must, because it hurts so much. The horrible people dragged me through Hell.

You have been my only inspiration in life. You made me do better for myself. Suffering was easy for me when it was for you. Every step, each pang of hunger was for you.
I can suffer, but only for you.

I don't know how to handle this. I try so hard. It's been so long. I feel lonely and sad.

When this stuff is over, then you don't need to see me again, if that is your wish. I won't change my mind about giving you a portion of everything I own.
I am sad all of the time, because I love you, but lovely like you doesn't happen to me.

I am confused.

I don't want another doctor. I suppose if I knew anyone who who could refer me, that might be okay.

I had a message from a pharmacist. I don't know what to do.

I enjoyed you so much.

I have unlimited Internet, but it also has an invisible end date and then I am on "fumes", I am already "on fumes!" I am at the end of my monthly allotment! I have to wait until the 20th to have it renew! Every 7 seconds I have buffering. I guess the Senate hearings last week took up too much time. I won't watch the Republican deflection and spin, it's an insult.

I have always felt protective of you.

I will be there for you no matter what. You can always trust me with that and anything else I can do for you.

"The everyday comedy of life."~ Napoleon's ancestor

I cannot find someone to come out and help me with getting rid of things from the house, or to help clean. They start off sounding like they will, then nothing. It is very frustrating.

I'd like to pick up where we left off, only without being spied upon or anyone breathing down our necks. I'd like to be like normal people.

I took 3 aspirin and used the Oxypro machine and feel some relief. My right leg is a tree trunk and the left is a sapling (a large one) but if I do something that causes the pain to dissipate for awhile, I am all in!
I have an ugly bruise on my right arm from bad phlebotomy (fishing, etc) but at least enough blood was drawn. I hate it when they keep jabbing around.

If I only had 6 months to live, I'd want to spend it looking into your eyes. I suppose it sounds corny, but it is true. I never felt so good as when I was able to look into your eyes.

"You like the happiness of small things...."

I do. I appreciate them more and more. But, you are no small thing....

I am using my Oxypro machine to move my leg around. Hopefully, I am not doing the wrong thing.

My leg has started up with new pain. I believe it is infected. It is hot and swollen. I really think I need antibiotics.

I know those people tried to make my life so miserable that they figured it would make me give in and die, basically. They were so worried about what influence I had, that they did ugly, devious things to keep the status quo where you were concerned. So, to keep someone else happy, they harmed me. That is beyond despicable.
I have no influence over anyone. You do what you want. All I do is love. If it is not reciprocated, then that is that. I have no agenda. I am not ashamed of love. Nothing will change. People with power and wealth have a choice to be kind, or be terrible to others. It would appear that the person/people controlling you, choose(s) to be terrible.  They use you, they don't love you, but I am sure you already know that.

Have a sweet day! You make life more lovely!

I have such dreams of seeing you.

I keep wondering if I had some weird illness. It laid me low for such a long time and so much pain. I wore new shoes and they kept nearly flying off.

Disappointed,😢

It was so difficult walking around, but I did it!!!

I am self-conscience. I am worried that after such a long time, I will be a disappointment. I have trouble with my body, my legs, etc, I wish I were more lovely. I am who I am right now. I love you and that is all I know.

I know you have sent me nice feelings and and support. You have not just let time go by. It helped me. It really did.
My prayers asking for your protection and happiness made me feel much better, because I know that my angel wanted it too. It made me feel stronger and like my prayers were working. My frantic feelings would still break through and the worry for you became too much for me to ignore.

I want to know what you enjoy. I want to know all about you and have you trust me completely. I know it takes time. I want us to know each other so we feel connected to someone we can trust implicitly forever.
It will happen if it it was meant and if it is wanted, but I feel it will come naturally.  I feel close to you already and it sustained me during the time, but I have no expectations.
I just love.

I got this stick seat so that when I start walking on a regular basis, I can rest, if needed.

I can't decide if complete rest, or exercising is best for my pain problem. I do bits of both, hoping I am doing the right thing, but inactivity is most likely how I got here in the first place. Well, going back, the nuclear pharmacy where I worked is really the cause.

It is funny that I live by the ocean, but there is no sushi.

I want to get healthy and be happy and silly.

With you......

I am ashamed about my physical setbacks, but I am working on them. (I really should not be ashamed, but I would like to have my problems gone) I seriously do not understand why such a terrible amount of pain hit me so hard all at once. I am not sure how fast I will recover, but I am making progress.

My concern for you, took me away from my own. You helped me.

I am wondering about cryo-therapy. I want to do it. 

Watching, (Gyweth Paltrow's) "the goop lab."

I want to be someone who is supportive and loving to you.

It is hard to write or explain about it, but all I know is that love is at the center. I feel that if we support each other, we will feel strong. When I think about you, I feel so warm and happy and so protective of you.
I yearn to see you.

I would love to snuggle and watch TV with you! Anything would be fun!

I miss you.

 Watching a documentary about Mozart.

The pain is lessening, but legs feel weak. I get up, walk around and stretch a bit, do a few things and sit again. I had my leg compression going and the machine moving it around. Lower back is still aches. I keep wondering if I had an infection. What I have noticed that ALA and vit C are very beneficial for healing. I am sure when I do things Monday, I will be much better, fingers crossed!

I love how you've always watched over me.

Those horrible K people tried to make my life awful.

Recently, I sent an email to the HOA board and asked the board President, Bill Merget and the rest, who had them harass me when I first moved here, since I know it was that horrible man and phoney Psy. They won't answer. Sounds like guilt to me!

You know, my cousin, of some sort, by marriage, tried to forge my great aunt and uncle's will with the help of the mayor of Millbrae and it was discovered before my great uncle died and he made a new will. That a-hole mayor lived right up the street from me and would not speak to me when I caught him sitting there while trying to merge in going down the street. I started talking to him and he rolled up his window and raced away. Chicken shit!

I started the electronic compression massage; it may be too little, too late, but we shall see.

My air compression air massager just arrived and I will use it asap.

I was trying to pull up my new compression socks (?) and I lost my grip and my foot flung out and hit the coffee table. Eeeek!

I need to pay my back taxes, otherwise I will not be able to give it to my beneficiaries, or beneficiary.
I need to sell things asap.

I have been treated so badly by the awful people that I should be released from any of the "legal" stuff, or any other restriction.

I just wake up and feel so alone. I am just lost, I really am.

I am not sure where I stand and it makes me feel lost.

Happy Friday.
Be well!

I am trying to figure out all eventualities. I know things change, so I must be prepared.

I will sell and give people their share, but I need help to do it. I am not sure what to do. I think I will be okay. I do need to figure out how to get rid of any pain issues and then sell and then take off. The real estate woman lied to me about many things, so I need to go at some point soon, or figure things out. I hate the people who run the HOA. It is too bad such jerks run things.

I will need to sell my place and get going. This place is too remote to get help and get what needs to be done. I need to stop feeling pain and sell and then go and live in an RV for the rest of my life. I don't know what else to do.

I want to end this thing. I want those bad people to be reprimanded, but if I can, I want to just see you again and think about nothing else.

I need to stop being sad.