I feel so helpless and worried, about many things....

I wish you didn't have to see so many people. I pray you stay safe. I love you.

Please tell the people there that I did nothing wrong and that I am nice, okay?

Am I going to die? What is going to happen?

NO RULES FOR DONALD - Randy Rainbow Song Parody

I will do anything to keep you safe, happy and loved.

I hope you tell people that I am nice. Those people smeared my name all over there and even in my CHART! I was told by a K employee that terrible things are written about me at the beginning of my chart! If so, that is not nice at all, nor fair, nor legal. That place is a snake pit. You don't belong there. 

I need a hug....from YOU! It is my cure. I cannot get better without it.

If you will give me a chance, I would love to show you how great a friend I would be to you. If you did not think so, then that would be that. Please think about it. I would so love to see you again.

I want you to give input. Please?

Someone needs to call me to get treatment going.

You know I will be totally shy and reserved if I see you again.

https://youtu.be/wUObikQwo6A

https://whitakerwellness.com/health-concerns/alternative-cancer-treatments/low-dose-naltexone/

I only want you to take care of me.

I am looking into getting the IV set so I can infuse ALA and if I get an Rx for LDN (Low dose Naltroxene)
https://cam.cancer.gov/news_and_events/newsletter/2012-spring/feature.htm

No matter what our relationship ends up, I want to have us be great friends who are there for each other and upon whom we can depend. I have such a strong protective feeling for you. I mean, I love you to the end, but I will be whomever you need. I want to live, so I can take care of you. It is all I need. I will never have you out of my mind. You are eternally loved. By me.

I need to have a big cry. I cannot stand this any longer. I have been so good. I need to see you more than anything in the world. I cannot believe how sad I have been for so long. I am falling apart as you can tell, but all I need is to see you.

You dearest one, I need to see you. I cannot get well without you.

Whatever I post here is for you. I love you so much!

Prince - Little Red Corvette (Official Music Video)

"I like the beat and it's easy to dance to!" :-)

"You, I would die 4 U...." ~Prince

I think at some point I should get a second opinion.

Please go back and read some of my poems. They show how much I care about you and how much you have kept me going. (Not all wonderful, but I try) I almost think the cancer diagnosis is fake to draw me out and make me mess up. 

I wish I could know you are behind me, but I don't want to impose on you, or upset things.

I am alone and sad.

I didn't mean to cause you problems, but I was afraid that I would mess up, if I were at the wrong place. I was trying to do the right thing for once. I don't want to be arrested and have breast cancer. I cannot have it without your input. I will do nothing.

So, cancer is a sneaky fucking bastard with no pain, but the lumps hurt like Hell, but innocuous.....? 

My leg has such a huge mass of painful lump, it has to be some kind of freak thing. It hurts like mad. If I gave in, I would cry.

All I want to do is cry.
I feel so desperately alone.

As usual, I am in the dark. 
People never seem to care as much as the person facing death.

I was just happy to even be able to say your name and say how kind you had always been to me.

I guess I am more trouble than I am worth....

I had to be honest. I really don't want anyone else. I may do nothing at all. Ever.

I hope they will end this stupid thing. I don't want anything from him but a lovely smile. That's all. I promise. I am nothing.

I need to have the one I trust help me, but how could that be? I cannot trust others. It seems like I have been fighting so hard to stay alive, maybe I should take a hint and stop. I hear nothing positive, really. I am so tired. I love him so much, but I am nothing.

I have been taking a lot of ALA and vit C, but for some reason, it always makes my right leg hurt so badly. It is so odd.

My mother called me! I told her maybe my friend could help, because she sounded so sad. I wanted to make her feel hopeful. Please make it so my friend can help me.

Each day I sit and suffer and beg people to help me, but those who caused this lie just live their criminal self-centered monster lives.

• Why are people allowing a lie to continue when my life is at risk? I have gone through Hell over lies and because of love, but now I could die, or be maimed. I guess I don't matter? I am no one special, but all people do have value, right? They want me in jail, or the prima donna does any way.

I will do nothing with false law hanging over me. I am tired of it.

Why can't my innocence just be revealed by the "plaintiff" so I can be treated by the one I trust? The stress is ongoing and it is what created the problem.

I need to hear all is well again.

I don't know why my leg has started hurting so much again.

I am so tired, depressed and in pain, death sounds rather nice, actually.

I am confused. I don't want to ruin things. I cannot relax. I am scared. 

I am not as afraid of cancer as I am afraid of losing you as my friend.

You-

I want to find again, the warm poetic person who spoke of Prague and the young people seeking redemption...

the one who loved the old cemeteries, and the beauty of the dead poets, and the wise one who lives still...

Do you know where he went? I'd love to talk to him again. If you see him, could you tell him to please call me? His friend misses him dearly. 

Maybe I will run into him on the Charles Bridge, between the vengeful, angry ghosts, or at the Pere la Chaise cemetery in Paris, while having a chat with Oscar Wilde, as a Chopin nocturne lulls restless spirits back into a relaxed peacefulness. 

He was so unique and beautiful in his quiet way, and his seeking, and enchanted spirit.

I do hope he is okay. I worry so much about him. I hope he isn't gone forever. Not just for me, but more importantly, 

for

himself. 

-Haviva

(C) 2016 HVM

I have to be let off.

I really want to get an I.V. going of ALA  vit C and LDN.

I cannot get through this without you. 

I feel confused and sad. I have an eye migraine and feel overwhelmed. I only want to see you and then I will feel good, but I can't mess up the wait time. I am worried. Just when I hoped for things to be good, it seems like added problems.

Please don't let me mess up being a friend; it is all I lived for to have happen.

I am so tired of all this faux legal stuff. I do not feel like dealing with it. It makes me feel so dizzy and headachy and worried and now my biopsies are throbbing. I am sure the people who wanted me to suffer, because I dared to want to be a friend, are having a party. If they knew how to have compassion, they would not have been able to do this to another human being. If they are lucky, I will die and they will move on and torment someone else, but they would include you.  That has been my worry.  I am terrified for your safety. No matter how you think of me, my care and support are always for you.

I just need the "thing" dropped. I cannot do anything otherwise.

May I be your friend too?

I was told I have cancer. I need you. Please.

Be well, be careful.

I think I will be lied to about the diagnosis. That place is bad. I could never work in such a place. They are too invasive.

I said I didn't want anything invasive done, but they did anyway. I wonder what they may have done to me.

I may need to leave K. It is insane. You don't belong there. You are too good for that insane asylum.

I think I had a dream about this time, long ago. It it was a misty stream of star lit nights and moon kissed wishes for

True

      love


          for

ever           

            more.

I intend on having lovely, beautiful times ahead.

I love you.

I don't care what goes on with me, I plan on living and enjoying life.
I hope that I will be able to see you and show you my support and caring for you.

I would love to cook with you.

I would like to make apple strudel again. I used a big table and stretched the dough all over it. It was my great grandmother's recipe. I also made a traditional walnut bread that took pounds of finely chopped walnuts, 18 eggs, cinnamon, etc. It was moist and yummy. It is the same bread in basically all the Slavic countries.

• Gave my doggie a bath and front nail clip. Mopped the floor. Took her out potty. Now, she is snuggling where I sleep.

I am taking lots of vit C and ALA. I will need an Rx for LDN from anyone who will give it to me and show me how to do my own infusion. I gave infusions to my ill cat, but people are different....duh.
My Siamese cat had kidney disease, and once he peed on the wood floor and I missed seeing it, slipped and fell
and broke a bone in my foot.

I was surprised at how much Dr. Moon seemed to want me to be absolutely falling apart over the possible dire results of my breast biopsy (results). When I sobbed because I wished you were there, she said she was glad I showed some emotion, otherwise she would think something was wrong emotionally with me. What kind of comment is that?

For one thing, I was told my visit was NOT going to be invasive! Then she told me how awful my previous MRI was and that if it were her mother's, or daughter's mammogram, she would be VERY worried, because
it was soooo bad!!!!
Really? So bad that no one has cared since November? Dr. Z did an exam and found nothing, much less the dire results she spoke about! Why? If they were such bad results, why wouldn't he have noticed it and why wouldn't he have told me it was a dire need to get the mammogram, not just suggest it in a rather casual manner?
There is something fishy going on.

I most certainly did not deserve to be attacked because of my needs for health emergencies. The people who attack me do it for their own gain, not for any benefit of others.

My dog looked at me, snorted and put her head back down. I agree. I am a mess.

I left a message for my mother thanking her for the lovely letter, but at the very end I mentioned the possibility of breast cancer at the end. I don't want her to feel weighed down by thinking she must care for me, because she doesn't. She has freedom now to live life and enjoy it. That is what she needs. She is self reliant as am I....but I do need help as does anyone, but not on a enveloping level. 

Each day I must talk positively to myself to go on. No one should have to endure the conflicting messages I have been given (thrust upon me). Every so often I kind of fall apart, but after hitting bottom, I experience a more upbeat attitude and give myself a reason to feel positive.

It was odd that samples were taken from painful places on my breast, but I thought cancer was not painful. It creates doubt in my mind about cancer. My right side feels sore, including my leg, in fact it is quite painful as it has been for quite awhile. I will heal.

The biopsy day was an ordeal, but I am surprised I am only a bit tired.

I keep you in my mind and it gives me strength.

I am embarrassed that my house is not only over filled, but it has gotten grimy. It is out of hand. I need to do a few things each time I can, but I never seem to catch up. It is not a place to which I can invite guests. I hate that. I cannot find help, I am always turned down, or u responded to my requests. I have to just deal with what I have, I suppose.

Even if I need you, I won't try and contact you.

I was treated so badly, screamed at, put into jail, kept from getting help. They got into nearly every facet of my life and made problems. I was dealing with many issues at once. It was like something bad was going on all of the time. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Yeah, it got me down, but through it all, the memory of your kindness made me get an inner boost and I was able to go on.
A guardian angel doesn't always need to fix everything, but just the knowledge of their love and support, provides strength to keep going.
Life would be nothing without you.

I sound tough, but I am not. I am scared.

Just know I only want what you want. Be very well. Life was simple and natural for awhile. That was nice.

I am so afraid of the day that you say that you don't want to be anyone at all to me, but I would understand. You were so kind to me and it caused you problems. I am very sorry. It was all the people and restrictions and weirdness. I just wanted to enjoy seeing you when I could. You made life feel amazing. Hard to say it any other way.

I wish I could be more trusting, but terrible people ruined that for me. I trust you. Only.

If I die soon, know you were always held in high esteem and truly loved.

How blessed I was to have had you to think about during my time of despair.

I feel like people are not respected. I feel like nothing. Money is all that is important to them.

• I don't like that they used underhanded methods to get me in. Why wait since Nov. to do it? Things don't add up....ever.

It seems too painful to be cancer. It doesn't make sense. I need answers.

I have not been treated like a human being with rights for a long time now. It is disgusting what some people will allow to be done to others, just to keep themselves happy.

I will have nothing more done, without your involvement.

Until the truth is told, I will always be beaten up.

I only trust you. They will let me die.

I will only do better when I can see you.

I need your input, or I cannot have anything done for myself.

I would like to have ALA and vit C infused at home, but I need help setting it all up, otherwise, YouTube, I guess.
I want my friend making the important decisions. I know he has my best interests at heart.

I am going to juice fast and take large amounts of ALA,  vit.C and also take
 baking soda, apple cider vinegar, relax
and see how it goes. I am determined.
I don't want surgery without my friend to advise and attend.

Dead tired. G & P have basically killed me.

Dr. Moon says it is breast cancer. The biopsy was basically a formality.

That ordeal at K just wiped me out.

I sobbed during the biopsy, because I wanted you there.

You know I love you.

You know I don't want anything from you, I just need to see your sweet face again.

I want to talk to you. You make everything better. If I can see you, nothing could be wrong.