Wednesday, March 18, 2020

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When should I have CT scan results?

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Am I dying?


Cher, "Moonstruck":



Rose:
Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini:
Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose:
Oh, that's too bad.
I don't want anyone in charge of my health, but you.
"Love is asking to be loved"-

"John Lennon"
Stopped at the Good Earth gro store in Marin on the way home. Getting a load of org and veg juice. Costs even less than the online store I shop. I feel like a zombie. It is like my insides were scooped out. They know that if I am in trouble I will want your help. I cannot see anyone else caring about me. I want to ask my mother if I can visit, or stay with her for various reasons.

I live you so much, but I don't need to show it. I will do it when it is allowed.
I want to understand why Dr. Z missed something Dr. Moon said was, "really, really bad" Makes no sense. Taking biopsies from painful lumps. Makes no sense. People yelling at me and saying weird things. What the Hell?
I trust you, my faith is in you. You will keep me safe. I cannot feel any other way. You won't just let me die. They would. Just seeing you would make me better. I know it. I would see you in any capacity. You make me feel alive, but now I feel nothing. Dead is more than me. I am terribly depressed.
I hope the CT scan results are available.
So, some people say "it's really, really bad" to sounding like "no big sweat." I trust no one else there.
I am someone who likes things to make sense. Nothing in my life for five years, or more has made any sense. I have run myself ragged with worry trying to understand the crazy and illegal thing that have been done. No one helps me, or gives me answers. It has shown that I am not emotionally weak, or problematic. (And now that time is growing short for their abusive legal matter to come to an end, they are going after me using health issues. Please help me. I could be near dead, or no different than I was. This is beyond cruel. I can disappear, no one ever had to worry about me, but they wanted to be able to point the finger at me while they did their nefarious crap to their victim. They wanted a scapegoat. They picked me, but someone else is the real target. It is repugnant. Be safe, be free. I will do anything to help you. You know that.
I will stay here and do whatever test needs to be done, but I want to understand really why! Not people saying odd things to me and raging about what they think about my emotional health. I want it to be taken seriously, not like people overacting in a bad play!
If I just hear nothing, I will know that my health means nothing to them.

  • I get so many conflicting reports from people connected with this. What did the CT scan show? Who can see it? If someone has power of attorney for healthcare over me, can't they make decisions for me?
Shouldn't I get answers? Nothing is ever explained to me! Why do I get screamed at, but no questions ever answered? I sure could use an advocate.

I just want to be informed, not just all mystery, like the other "thing"!
I am still here, if the doctor needs to call, if he thinks it is that urgent. Otherwise, I will leave later today. I just need to know what is going on. Why could I not have been told a diagnosis? They implied it was breast cancer, but never really said it. They should call me back, if they need me to have it. I have no idea how the CT scan came out. Why have another scan, if that ended up being fine?
I cancelled the appt for today. I need clarification as well. I wish I could have spoken with someone first. Weird things are going on. I wish I could speak with someone....
Please be safe. Your life matters.
Put your wishes first.

  • I don't understand why "they"call whatever was/is going on with me breast cancer, when it seems more like they are leaning more toward a sarcoma. I think they are lipomas that they are trying to make into Something worse. If that is the case they are criminals.

I think crazy is also involved.
https://www.cancervic.org.au/cancer-information/types-of-cancer/soft_tissue_cancers/soft-tissue-cancers-overview.html

I never heard that the biopsies were actually breast cancer.  The areas they biopsied were from areas that were there for a very long time. I also asked for a second opinion, was told I could, but was merely routed back to Dr Z. If they think I have a soft tissue sarcoma, they should just say so, but they are not. I need to know if they think breast cancer, or sarcoma. Those lumps as I said, have been in me for ages, there is no reason to wet their collective pants over it. Before I am subjected to more tests, I want another, less biased opinion. I think "someone" wants me to suffer. If
that is found to be true, someone would go to prison forever, and K. Could be shut down. They do not want me to have a second opinion. I would bet on it....and who came up with the plan. If so, fuck them!
I don't know. I wish people didn't give me such different information from each other.
I got such bad chills after the CT scan the heat is up to 82 and have on two comforters over me. My right leg is throbbing with pain back of my neck is terribly painful. I feel weak.
I do not feel well at all after the CT scan. I cannot do the one in nuclear med, unless I feel seriously better.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

I am scared. I need your smile.
My right arm/shoulder just started hurting. The same arm where the biopsies were done. Hard to lift it up.

  • It has to make you upset at how politicized and monetized is the medical field. It is so bad that bills that could help people are voted down because Big Pharma and the AMA have personal reasons for fighting against alternative treatments....$$$! People are not as important as big bucks to them.
I would like a home where I could grow cantaloupe and tomatoes, especially.  But, also, zucchini, squashes, lettuces, beans, pumpkins.....just anything else that looks good. I cannot do that here. I made a mistake. I never thought a place would not have a bit of land to go with it. I asked the HOA if I could have a garden that I would take care for myself, but I would share the veggies to be able to do that. I was summarily turned down. 

I would give my life for someone special....you.

I just miss the heck out of you. I was able to enjoy life when I knew you. I wanted to make you proud of me. It seemed like everything I did had you as a part of it. I know I am not all that special, but I would give my life for someone special....you.

Will always be there

You know, you don't need to be anything more to me than you want to be, but at least let me be an acquaintance who loves you dearly, but will never show it and who will always be there for you no matter how large, or small, day, or middle of the night. 

Your purchase includes:

The Gerson Therapy: The Proven Nutritional Program for Cancer and Other Illnesses

Charlotte Gerson (Author)
Tavia Gilbert (Narrator)
Dr. Z was a "bit" disconcerting and bizarre, when he yelled "you could, DIE!, You could DIE!" It was like he was auditioning for a drama......badly. What is with all the craziness? People are also so small minded there and act like high school kids. Hardly makes me feel confident in their decision making abilities. How can anyone who is competent stand to work there; especially when they invade your personal life? (or allow someone falsely attack someone using their legal team?
No way will I allow any surgery to be done on me by any of those twisted morons.
Dread.
They need to consult with an expert with lymphatic issues before they make any decisions and someone who is familiar with my health situation. I have had lumps for ages and I don't want them freaking out thinking I am full of cancer. I was fine before going to the mammogram and I will be damned if they are interpret things incorrectly.  Those people seem like monkeys with their heads up their asses. I have seen trained people in many different fields of medicine make spectacular blunders. I do not want to be a victim again.
I wish I knew you were sending me protective thoughts.
 I asked if the contrast medium causes nausea and was told no, but if it is like the MRI contrast medium, I threw up for the longest time after. I hate it.
Do you feel like any of them love you, or care about you?
I don't know what is to come. If I could just see you, it would be all I care about.
I was going along just fine, exam found nothing, but the mammogram and their imaginations, just weaponized them and gave them a "righteous" reason to attack. It is why I wanted to go elsewhere for treatment. Too much nefarious crap is allowed to go on there. I could never work in such an atmosphere! Even working in the nuclear pharmacy was more honest about their dishonesty....people are so cavalier about putting others at risk. They just roasted us. It is why, in my opinion, I got the initial cancer in the first place.
The morons at K didn't even listen to me about lumps. I think they are Hell bent on mutilating me and then saying "ooops" later. I think the lumps are being misdiagnosed as another sarcoma. We shall see. I have lived with lumps forever. They are everywhere even in breast tissue. I mentioned it long ago. Whatever happens, my only wish is to see you again.
I get sad at times.
I should never have put myself in the hands of those bizarre people, but how did I know the degree of their bizarreness? They all seemed like bad actors trying to talk me into something. I think it is funny that Dr. Moon got such gratification from my distress, when it had nothing to do with the pain she was inflicting physically, or mentally, to do with breast cancer, but it was because I missed you and wished you could have been there for me.  She probably reported back to her cruel benefactor that she upset me, so she obtained her goal. All I could think was I was a prisoner and I was enduring their cruel, irrational punishment. No feeling of concern, or kindness emminated from them. It was like they were all on ergot and I was the witch they wanted to have confess.... and my crying signald the end. Such coldness.
I went through Hell as a small child and beaten by a kidnapper and was told I was going to die. It was the same intensity when those assholes yelled in my face to get me to break. At times I thought I was broken, but each time I came back. It seemed like what they wanted was what they could get from you for their  what Ifriend and wanted was to see your smile directed toward me. Love is much stronger than greed. I have never witnessed such shallow desperation before. They all became united under their lies. The ultrasound tech kept her head down and she looked ashamed when I said "thank you" to her. I have lost faith in people....except you.
I hope you are well. Stay home.
I have pain in my shoulder blade and back now, after the "biopsies!"
That disgusting Dr. Moon was saying ugly things to me while she was poking holes in me, it was like some kind of crazy spy torture and also I think she was infecting me, since I seem to hurt now, plus chills. I think they need to be watched, because they are loyal to someone....what demented people!

Saturday, March 14, 2020

Is Angiolipoma a cancer?
Angiolipomas are not cancerous, but they may resemble liposarcoma, which is a type of cancer that affects the fatty cells.May 16, 2018
I think it is odd they they took samples only from the painful lumps and I said so at the time.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20875325/https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20875325/

 2010 Sep 15;16(9):4.Lipedema with multiple lipomas.

Abstract

Lipedema is an underdiagnosed syndrome of unclear etiology, characterized by symmetric painful enlargement of the buttocks and lower extremities, which spares the feet. This enlargement is caused by the deposition of adipose tissue. It was first described by Allen and Hines in 1940, who observed that it had a female predilection; patients commonly had an associated family history. We describe a patient with classic lipedema and multiple lipomas of her arms and trunk.

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