Smile

 Keep in mind that I (as well as you) have been beaten up to shit and I even worse, because being smashed in the face by someone I care about was an added blow. I never know what is coming and I must work extra hard to recover. It is not easy. Those people have tried to KILL me and I don't get to trust my only insurance. I suffer a great deal of pain and a lot of fear. So, whatever my little attempts at fighting back are, I am one person, on a budget, trying to keep my dignity, in the midst of being called every rude, foul and suspicious thing imaginable! What was it again that I was to have supposedly done? Oh, yes, gave a few gifts? Was that it? The ones for which I was thanked? Yet, there in court, I was ripped from stem to stern like a road kill carcass in the center of the road, being enjoyed by a wake of vultures. I have been to JAIL! I was torn apart by a nasty judge! I was confused, I was taunted, reviled, too embarrassed at times to speak to my son, to my mother..... I lost two of my loved cars, had my license taken away, my taxes questioned. I tried to keep myself from ending my life out of despair, or because I was being attacked by insane people. There were no hugs for me, no kind words, no joy. No love. I had to rely on myself. I was too frightened to enjoy life; not as much out of fear for myself, but for someone who warms my heart, even far away and silent, except for some bitter, cruel words that I had to swallow like sharp shards of glass as the people I was supposed to trust, had their hands around my throat in a death grip. 

I have been so unused to kindness, that I bask in even the tiniest  semblance of it, or compassion and am grateful for even a small memory what actual caring was like. I think about others and worry about them, if people do it about me; I am not privy to that information. I am in pain each day because of the cruel insanity of the people who initiated this horror show of greed, terror, self-indulgence and misuse of money and power, ever! Torment and corruption flooded the scene like a storm creating a flash flood. I was attacked by a well practiced machine, used to decimating anything that got in its way. I am ONE person on her own, trying to keep her head above water, while being attacked from all angles, by devious criminals and mad minded individuals. 

I have weathered the insults, the attacks and the heartbreak, but I hurt badly and I intend to have it STOP and the terrible people who caused it, pay for their crimes. I have been so nice, for so long, but now that is OVER! My pride has returned and it does not like being insulted! As my friend used to say, "your Countess is coming out!"

It is out and on the warpath! 

It would be nice to smile again before I die.