Isn't there anything more to life than death threats and vultures?
You used to raise my bp.
That was lovely.
Now, I look at the ocean, feel sad and think about how much I would love to see you again......
and pray for your safety and happiness.
Monday, June 28, 2021
Sunday, June 27, 2021
Pact
Pact-
Oh you
Sweetest
one
of my
dreams
The trials
of the past
were
those of
extremes
I made it on
through
the
worst of
the
time
Though the
terror
I felt
was a horrible
crime
A mind can
forget
or
a heart may
grow
fond
But
My feelings
for you
are
a sacred
life
bond
I'll never forget
you
whatever the
cost
With me
to rely
on
you'll
Never
Feel
Lost
I made
a promise...
I
Suppose it's
A pact
If you are in
Danger
I won't
Fail to
Act.
Haviva-
(c) HVM 2019
Ephemera
Ephemera-
I met someone with a deep warmth in his eyes, and grace in his every step. He moved through me like the wind in my hair and a song tuned to my heart....and I was never the same mundane form of life again.His silent words lived in me to brighten my imagination and put intention into my soul. How did I know he would be the one to forever change my life and magically bless my spirit?
I never knew love before, because this was finally it; what I had been missing for so excruciatingly long.
When I was gone away from his need, my own need cried out in anguish and turmoil. I felt as abjectly lost as a child who wandered too far from home and terror set in as the realization the guiding sun was leaving the sky for another day's rest.
I was alone, bitterly cold. All my happiness and future hopes faded
........a heavy door slammed with a finality that sent a wave of despair throughout my being.
Was he ever returning to liberate me from a tormented mind that was frozen in sadness? Had it been too beautiful to be permanent? Is a love that feeds every part of a human dream of perfection only to be ephemeral and vanishes before it can be too fully imbued into a life of an ordinary mortal?
I knew it was a love that would soon be taken away. It was too lovely for Earth, it was a taste of Heaven to come. I will find you and live forever in your sweet aura and be eternally blessed.
But, for now, the pain takes away my will to live my ordinary life without you. Please return to me. I can't live without you any longer. Pray for me, your most earnest prayer and find me. I want Heaven on Earth with you once again.
-Haviva
(c) HVM 2019
Softly I Pray
Softly I Pray~
One more setting sun gone by
One more moon to which I cry
Holding tight your image dear
My prayer stays soft
no one will hear
An angel listens
intently rapt
She knows I'm here
forever trapped
I battle hard from day to day
I worry over things I say
My heart is broken and I find
That only love sustains
the mind
Three years and more, crawled
slowly on
I begged for kindness, but
it was gone
The victim turned into reviled
I lost my heart and rarely smiled
Those so cruel feel they're above
Will end alone,
devoid of love.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2019
Saturday, June 26, 2021
Sparkling Crystal
If I could go out on the trail and sit with you on one of those sweet benches dedicated to someone who lives now only in a broken heart; my life would be at its best ever and time could stop right then and there.
Mountain Lion on my fav trail
https://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/news/mountain-lion-with-fresh-kill-closes-popular-san-mateo-county-trail/
That place holds a lot of memories for me. It was where I taught myself the Kerouac method of meditation of listening to my own footsteps to clear the thoughts from invading my mind. It was really enjoyable.
You gave that beautiful gift of the knowledge of that trail to me. I need another one here.
The people were really friendly on that trail and it was nice that I was actually able to give a "pep" talk to a distraught woman I met on the trail who seemed visibly uplifted by the end of our association. That was one of the best things I felt I accomplished in a chance meeting with someone (of course, my neighbor who had tried to kill himself and I for some reason had felt compelled to go check on him at 3 am. I had not even met him before). It shows that if we stay open to feelings and don't shut them down for fear of looking like a fool, we can accomplish helpful things. Of course, some people like you do it all of the time and make people so much better for it.
Then, of course, there was the lizard.....and little Alexander the fanciful "knight" vanquishing the evildoers. (I sure could use his help now....)
I just get beaten up and have mean, untrue things said about me. I really do not know how those people live with themselves knowing they are destroying a life and not enhancing one. That cannot be a good feeling. If I were destroying lives at an emotional level, my life would erode away along with theirs.
It is terrible to have your own self-worth and goodness in doubt. It hurts more than anything else. What is more important than how we view ourselves? I guess it is why abuse is not only physical. Emotional abuse is invisible, but runs deep and deadly and can take a person down as sure as a mountain lion can take down a deer.
I feel as frightened and as low as prey.
I need to stop letting my despair stop me from living. But I do and it does.
Those sweet memories though, can never be taken away. By anyone. Sometimes they are all we have to sustain us. If they can.
Lovely Day
Getting a bit more rest.
Having nice thoughts to keep me company.....no, not about the vulture..... 😉
One
The creepy, but sad looking vulture is out there eating some food scraps I put outside for the birds to eat. I am so weird; I wanted it to have a feeling of being loved.
Am I identifying with a vulture? Yikes!
It IS one of Earth's creatures......
Early
The moon looked so bright shining on the ocean! It was a breathtaking sight. The variety of colors that played upon the water were in oranges, pinks and yellows. It looked like a sunset, rather than a rising. It was worth being up at such an early hour.
Friday, June 25, 2021
👀Thursday, June 24, 2021
Courage
Thinking of you gives me courage to go on.
It is what I would expect of you too.
You are amazing!
Wednesday, June 23, 2021
Mob
It shows you how twisted the people doing this were that they had a "psychiatrist" involved to contrive ways to harm, when it would be the normal thing to do to prevent harm from taking place.
She and the other two and their sidekick security guards set it all up against me and they weren't nice. If that skank MP ever thought I would want to go anywhere with her; she was delusional!
She went from acting so phony friendly to trying to get me to kill myself! She was gross.
Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Poseur
Were you treated with much more respect and devotion all those years in exile? Doubt it.
I would have done that.
I am sure there was an ulterior motive other than what has been posed. I think it has to do with the will. They wanted me immediately away, and then wanted me dead.
Antithesis
How can people actually advocate making it harder for people to vote? It is against everything this country represents!!
We should be making life better for people, not worse!
Pick a card
I was thinking about the movie "Silkwood" again and thinking about the nuclear pharmacy where I worked in Texas and that because the owner was teaching me to make the medicine I noticed that the guy who was making the medicine was doing it incorrectly. So, I got fired. Can you imagine that all the hospitals got just random amounts of radiation?
When they brought in a new generator, the Geiger counters would go nuts. The owner just turned them off. Our lives are just up to the luck of the draw sometimes. I suppose it is one reason I do not allow myself to be bullied by little dictators who and being cruel and I know are breaking laws. I refuse to knuckle under to them, but I know all circumstances are unique.
Walk a mile....
Anoxia
It is sad how awful I feel when I tell myself I might never see you, or talk with you again.
It is unimaginable.
Tweet!
I looked out the window and I usually see a seagull, or two, but this caught my eye, because it was brown so I got a better look and it was a .........VULTURE!
Yikes! I said, "I'm still alive!" and it flew away!
🙏
Dedicated Love-
I love the hollow sound and gentle squeak of the wooden floor as I ascend the few steps to light candles of hope and prayer. It is a lonely sound, but I find comfort in the old familiarity; it is stark yet embracing.
My soul is weary, but holds a tender memory of your soft touch on my welcoming hand. It revives me as nothing else could.
Behind me, I hear the rhythmic sound of the tandem rosary chanting. The pious seek redemption, health, lost love. It never comes, yet devotees ardently and fervently return day, after day, to repeat their pleas to the saint who listens the most attentively and carries the least judgmental look in their loving, but disappointed eyes.
We are small, but our hearts have a grand capacity for love. I can't imagine my heart being able to hold all the love I have for you. The vast sky even seems inadequate to take on the overflow. I look up and see the breathless enchantment you leave behind and I know I will never be alone, for you are the beauty in every place my eyes find to rest....and my dedicated prayer to you, at last is answered.
Haviva-
(c) HVM 2019
Monday, June 21, 2021
Diff
I feel like things have changed I am having more of a difficult time. I get used to things, then they are different.
🍲
Having Trader Joe's Mandarin orange chicken and rice. Too bad there isn't a Trader Joe's near here. It has been my fav store since forever! Now, I just have to wait until someone has a medical appointment until recycling or Trader Joe's gets a visit. I have gone nearly nowhere for 5 + years, so it wasn't me.
Good stuff!🍲
TY
I have been licking my wounds. Going over the events makes the wounds raw again. I do it nearly every day. It may be cathartic, but it is also painful.
I am trusting you.
Sunday, June 20, 2021
I M Y
This is an early day for you. I got some smaller storage bins and and am using a couple to wash dishes. I have a program in the background where they recreate old recipes. I needed to move out of the way for my renter to do his thing. I didn't mind; the mountain of dishes I have is unsurmountable.
I am slowly getting back into things. I went into a bit of a frozen state after the court thing; it was difficult. When the sink caved in I just said "fuck it!" and it has been lying in state since, only cleaner. After the court thing I gorged on sushi. I am an emotional person. I still have not decided how to handle the sink.
Oh well. I was wanting to get ahold of my mother, so instead of calling or writing, I sent her some fragrant soap and wrote a nice note with it. I was looking at some unusual things to send. My friend also likes it when I send her small things.It makes me feel good too.
I wish I could see you. It would be nice to know when, but I don't think that will happen anytime soon......or at all....?
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