Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Tuesday, December 29, 2020
Doggie
Gave my doggie her bath and I also ended up a very wet mess! I only ended up getting one of her toenails clipped. She began licking my hand which is a warning that biting will be next.
Rick Steves is in Prague, so I must listen. Someday, I would like to see it with my in-person eyes.
Monday, December 28, 2020
Anything
Your happiness is all that matters to me.
I will do anything to make your life better for you.
Whatever you desire.
I am forever devoted.
It would be my honor and joy
Help me help you.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
I cannot face everything alone. I need your help.
Sunday, December 27, 2020
Rick Steves'
I enjoy watching the Rick Steves' shows, they make one feel positive and carefree. It is so informative and interesting. The show can go on for a long while. I like playing it while I am working in the kitchn.
LB
Watching a Lewis Black special, "Thanks for Risking Your Life!". He has his F Bombs all polished up and ready to fly!
PS. Not so great. He's lost his edge.
Saturday, December 26, 2020
Hope
I was up all night again. I have trouble not thinking. I often just fall asleep where I am sitting. It rained quite hard last night. I feel like baking something today. I like the ambiance and the smells. It warms the body and soul.
I believe things will get better and life will finally work out as it was meant. Hope.
Out the window
Defenestration of ancestor Jaroslav von Martinitz being lowered to the ground by angels 1618. Escaped to Austria.
Decency
Decent people let other people live free lives and trust them to do their duties no matter where they live, or who else they know. No one has the legal, moral, or ethical right to prevent them from living a full, independent life. If they violate that part of human decency, they should and will be punished, severely.
Soul searching
"Searching Soul"-
When you miss someone who is a part of you, you miss them with an ache that cries out so loudly and so deeply that it resonates and vibrates beyond the great grand design of the universe and into the eternal void of space, touching down in the very soul of God.
It is more than a prayer, it is a gut wrenching agony that has been emitted by human despair since the beginning of their existence. The loss of a beloved twists an invisible knife that plunges in more deeply as pain lingers on and leaves behind the ragged remains of a person who loved another with a passion so grand it consumed every waking thought and pierced the veil of ethereal dreams that visited during random fits of restless slumber.
Even the smallest fiber of your being reaches out instinctively seeking a place of tranquility and solace to soothe the lonely nothingness that has become your pathetic existence. It finds a temporary haven, a respite, but torment discovers your refuge and with the delight of a predatory demon, picks away at the raw edges of what still remains of your disintegrating psyche.
The Scream is a visual depiction of the chaos that takes over a taunted, and haunted mourner with cruelly induced bereavement of grief for one departed, but it too has been spirited away by those with selfish, greed driven desires.
You are gone from my vision, but never from the eye of my mind, nor the heart of my soul.
You are eternally loved.
-Haviva
(C) HVM (2018)
Friday, December 25, 2020
Wednesday, December 23, 2020
Tuesday, December 22, 2020
Hurts
I am not certain how one is held a prisoner, if they go to work, home and walk freely at home. Is that the case? Is there a guard with a gun? Chains? Ropes? Electric shock collar? I am trying to figure it out. If a person can just walk away.....then they should, just walk away. Drive away. Threats mean nothing, it is bluff. They are lies. No one can impede someone's progress. If a person can leave and they don't they are complicit and a part of the larger crime. How can I find freedom in that case, if someone just goes along? I figured before, it was just because it was within the actual building. If I try and make him innocent, they he will need to at least make an attempt at freedom, or calling the PD, or DA. I have been worried for years and base it on blind faith and trust. There will need to be an explanation as to how he was held. Why sometimes there was compliance, other times not. One is not to abide by the edict of criminals, even those who are employers, or their attorneys. They are doing criminal things. If someone does not attempt to get away, or at least help an innocent victim be free, they they themselves run the risk of incarceration themselves. Will they claim incompetence? If there isn't an attempt of some kind to garner freedom, then it is compliance. It breaks my heart, but what more can be done? He helped them put me into this position and while it does not matter to me; it leaves a big hole in the story. So, either call the DA and tell the truth and free me, or come to the hearing and help me. Run away, come here and we'll get them together and be protected. If no one is being harmed, just make them let up on me. The entire story makes no sense. My love will never die and I want to be together and be caring and loving, if it is wanted, but it will all come to a legal head at some point soon and I want to understand. It is only fair. I never wanted anyone to be harmed, but they kept trying with me. I got a serious charge and it will bring everything to the forefront. How can one abide by what criminals say and not even try and help an innocent person? Nothing makes sense and it all hurts so much.
"Primum non nocere....?"
Neurocrime~
I said.
"I get no response when I talk in my head."
"The time has been long, the suffering great,
my anger builds up and burns into hate!"
my anger builds up and burns into hate!"
"She took you away under pretenses false and
bought an attorney with too many faults."
bought an attorney with too many faults."
"His skills as a lawyer were incredibly few,
he paid for his verdicts and bribed judges too."
he paid for his verdicts and bribed judges too."
"The medical healer who cut my life short,
thinks scalpels are daggers and murder's a sport.
thinks scalpels are daggers and murder's a sport.
She feels so entitled and believes she's a god,
she has no idea her behavior is odd."
she has no idea her behavior is odd."
"The lives she holds captive with threats and
abuse, have lived in sheer terror with
no sign of a truce."
abuse, have lived in sheer terror with
no sign of a truce."
"Her power and money can make her life easy,
while those she attacks have guts that stay queasy."
while those she attacks have guts that stay queasy."
"The oath that she took to first do no harm,
was more of a challenge and less an alarm."
was more of a challenge and less an alarm."
"The ethical world means nothing to her,
she makes her own rules that cause quite a stir."
she makes her own rules that cause quite a stir."
"She ruins the lives of the fools she debates,
she thinks of herself as one of the greats."
she thinks of herself as one of the greats."
"But as God is my witness, I can tell you that soon,
she will find that in prison, she'll sing a new tune!"
she will find that in prison, she'll sing a new tune!"
~Haviva
(C) 2020 HVM
Gristle
Not only was my life disrupted, but it was done with sadistic glee. I have been stunned, humiliated, made into a pariah, removed from a person I considered to be a friend and did not have any alternative for the condition from which I suffered.
I have been turned into a second class citizen and have suffered the indignity of being looked at as a criminal, when I was not, nor ever had been. The person who wanted me removed from my doctor's presence is all at once narcissistic, but insecure. She and her attorney did whatever they could to make my life miserable and difficult to remedy.
They abused someone they thought might be mentally vulnerable and who might take their own life out of sadness, or exasperation. The psychiatrist that was a former Kaiser employee they brought back to get me as her patient, so that she could interrogate me and discover my feelings toward my doctor, then place many false diagnoses in my chart that could explain any number of things to which they could point and dismiss as being a mental deficiency, even if I were to be found dead.
A place such as a hospital is a perfect setting to create problems for a victim. Add in threat and duress and an immoral, devious attorney who would do whatever was needed to make his client happy and very grateful $. A place that has in an excess of 28 billion in the "kitty" has deep enough pockets to make every case victorious and leaving human carnage in its wake. They chew me up and spit me out as insignificant and disgusting as a piece of gristle in an otherwise decent steak.
TBC*****
Matter
Lives were taken hostage for the greed of two people (and their opportunistic helpers, MP, Mr. Ed, de Guzman). They had no concern for the harm they did. All that mattered and matters are their own desires. They went through so much planning and corruption and put two victims through so much pain and sadness for their OWN interests! They are not the only human beings that matter!
And as common criminals, they matter less, by virtue of their own actions.
Monday, December 21, 2020
Does
I know you. I love you. I don't care how much you had to help them hurt me. I want to share everything I have with you. I want to take care of you. I want what you want. I don't hurt. I am loyal. I am devoted. I pray for you each night. I don't keep prisoners. I wrote over 600 poems for you, that sprang out of missing you. I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever known, inside and out. I appreciate you. I respect you. I would die for you. I would give you my last kidney, or my last dollar.
It isn't being needy, it is being in love.
Be well. I am basically finished explaining. I have to go to court alone and fight for my freedom. It is not right. I am also going to fight for your freedom, because that is what a friend does.
Like
You are the only one who with one little number that can make me go to Heaven, or Hell. (And that means a worse Hell than I already reside in.)
I know you. You have compassion. Making me sad is like kicking the crutches out from under a crippled person. (In the neighborhood, anyway.) You aren't like that woman. I would never be in love with a monster like her.
Lack
Please just tell me you will give me a chance and I can stop all my crazy. It is from a lack of communication.
Hope
Please don't make me sad. I don't deserve it.
I know I sound like I am vulnerable today, because I am. My life has not been mine for a long time. It is these 4 walls and few contacts and hoping I still have my friend. I am at a distinct disadvantage.
I don't want to cry. You have been all that has given me hope and a reason to feel happy.
Clung
I just want what you want, but I think I deserve to meet with you and find out if we could be friends. I have clung to that this entire time.
Chow
I had to put my dear sweet dog, Bear to sleep when he was so much in pain. It was the saddest thing I ever did. I watched his eyes close and felt so terrible leaving him at the vet's.
He was the most gentle and loving dog and he liked to ride the train heading to SF, if he managed to get out of the yard. People always brought him back. It was so funny. He was a red Chow Chow. I got him because he was neglected and chained to a tree in someone's yard. They said they did want him and I could just take him, but when they saw how much I liked him, they charged me $50.
It is how it goes with people, they don't care and are neglectful, until someone else appreciates them. (Or loves them) then they fight tooth and nail for them.
Guess
I guess I should not ask questions I am not certain about what the answers, or non answers mean. Messed up by my own system. Guess I was looking for a bit of happiness, but got more questions instead. That's life.....or mine anyway. I suppose it is like prayer, sometimes the answer is no. But it makes one sad. I know it was answered before, but I am always looking for a nice feeling in my days of despair. I waited, because I was asked. I trust.
Like the Coldplay song, "if you don't, then lie to me." I get that needy for a bright spot. My life has not been nice for a long while and I never did anything to deserve it.
I feel like a person in prison looking for a bit of hope, but getting the rug pulled out instead. Oh well. Crushing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)