It is strange that when I put the hemp cream on my leg and thigh, the pain intensifies at first, then it calms down. That, and aspirin are doing what I have needed to feel less pain. Sleeping is the tough part, well and standing and walking much distance. Did I cause this? I wasn't exercising enough, I suppose. This "legal" thing turned my world on its head, but I have no excuse. I just never knew how much it would hit me. I was absolutely distraught. My joy was gone. I was in grief. (Still am, actually.) I was attacked from many directions and cruel ways. Now, I hurt physically and emotionally. I am a mess. I need to get better. I am an active person trying to get out. I was looking at a paddle boat. There is a river here, I thought I could use it there. Rowing is good too. I rowed all around at Catalina. That is one of my favorite places. It feels like a different world there. It is like being back in time. It is great walking in the warm sand and reading books on the beach, looking at the beautiful, unique casino and hearing the blast notifying everyone that someone had caught a Marlin. Mr. Clean greeted us, when we came in on the sea plane (long ago). We would often stay on my dad's business partner's boat. ( He was also my father's childhood friend.) He was nice, except when we went sailing, then the Captain Bligh came out and would yell at us to be more ship shape, basically. I remember reading on the bow and drinking my orange Nehi and when we went about I dropped it, and it rolled around making a sticky mess. I never got seasick when I was a kid, but later, as an adult, ugh. I was the only one of our school group on the boat from England to France who was chowing down, while all the others were barfing in great volume. That was amazingly rough water, as its reputation had confessed.  I am a Pisces so water should be my friend, but after my husband drowned, we are no longer in speaking terms, but obviously I still keep in touch. (I am not much of a grudge holder, also there was culpability on both sides.)
I woke up with pain, but now it is subsiding and I am drowsy....
You know, each morning, I still wake up and eagerly look for an email from you to make my day sweet, as in the past....now I pretend there is one and imagine what you might say.  I actually would hear your voice, not just see a small collection of words that would greet me and thrill me. You cannot know what they did for me. They made me want to make improvements to my entire life, to attain your approval. I wanted to make you happy. When I lost you, I went dark.