My worry for you

I look at those animal rescue shows and I feel like one of the animals needing rescue.

I try and do small things, but it is exhausting. It seems like pain is actually tiring. This house is already a challenge for me for many reasons, like having too much stuff for a small house, not enough places to put things. I was trying to sort things out when the pain issue hit, so I was left in the middle of a sorting job.

It has been a difficult time that was meant to break me down and it nearly did, but I look for even the smallest signs of positivity to make it through. I am sometimes hit by surprise by something touching and I find myself sobbing. I don't like to complain, but my helper/is"renter" is not voluntarily someone who just pitches in to do many things, so I am grateful for what I do get.

I always look for answers to figure things out. I have plans of how to get things done. I figure that if necessary, I will quickly sell my place at a bargain price and buy an RV and live "on the road" 🙃 and be nomadic. I love you, but I cannot depend on others to save me, I have to have things at least figured out myself. I cannot be helpless. I have lived so long planning my survival, but my heart has its own "mind" and it rules everything else. It loves with a passion, devotion, loyalty and fierce protection. It matters most to me. Loving someone is really all there is to life. It got me through these hardest times, but it also caused the hard times I have had to overcome. I would not have taken the easy road just to avoid the pain inflicted by others, because my heart is devoted. I could have just said, "this is completely f'ed, bye, bye", but your kindness toward me has been so touching and I feel so much a part of you; I cannot do anything before I see this through and know if the most wonderful person I have ever been blessed to know, is okay and wants to know me as much I want to know him. He feels like the one I was always meant to find.

 It has been like a fairy tale where there are the bad people who are determined to to throw awful challenges in to discourage or kill; monsters who frighten and chase with their fangs and claws constantly just ready to mangle and destroy.

They put me in the role of the disgusting bad guy, when in my own mind's story, I was the heroine, ready to protect and rescue.

It was disconcerting, because it is hard to prove who you are, when people think you are not who you are. It is surreal to have people put me in such an opposite role. I would rather be the one in harm's way than anyone else. The pain is too great to see someone else suffer, but I can do it myself. Someone else suffering is an unknown in terms of how they will do, but if I suffer, at least I won't have that picture or worry in my head of how they are doing.

I guess life is Schrodinger's cat. Someone could be in a good situation, or a bad one, but if I cannot be assured they are okay, I cannot relax, or live in any peace. I would rather be the victim, but in this case now, both of us have been the victim, so while I fought for my own survival, there was the terrible anxiety of not knowing how you were doing too. There was no way of knowing how you were doing, it made me so worried and anxious, it drove me to desperation. I put out feelers to sense whatever I could. I take any glimmer of hope as a moment of relief. Just to hear your name on a list, let me know you were still alive.

Maybe it sounds odd, I don't know, but all I understand from this, is I love you so much to feel this way.  I am sure they knew what they were doing to me, because I mistakenly confessed to that pretender that I worried about you driving to various venues, maybe tired and in heavy traffic. I trust your capabilities immensely, but the others are sometimes irratic, or if you are over tired. I don't know, love comes with a burden of worry, I guess. But I guess that is what makes it love. You worry for their safety. But taking away the ability to know if they are okay, is what I feel is the worst horror.

That cruel Psy knew what kind of punishment she was inflicting with her plan. She knew how much I cared, so she and that awful man implimented the perfect torture for me.... not knowing how you were doing.