It helps my anxiety (that was caused by the illegal thing) to think about going to do things like going to the Buddhist temples, or the gardening, but in my thoughts, I always sneak you in too, so I think that makes it especially nice. You may not want anything to do with me, but until I know, it makes me happy to think you do. I think I am ready for any outcome....more, or less. I mean, I AM human, I can feel sad, but it doesn't make me weird. They have made me feel bad for having any emotions at all; they made everything I did suspect. It is a crappy way to live.