I got 4 pine tree branches and made my usual "Charlie Brown" tree and decorated it with necklaces and crystals and brooches. It looks pretty. I should get lights for it.
I hope you are doing well. You are never out of my head and my heart.
Monday, December 21, 2020
Sunday, December 20, 2020
Okay
Is it still okay for me to love you?
I would take such good care of you and you would always feel loved and respected.
I loved you the first day I met you after I spoke with you on the phone. I don't think I could have told you, if it hadn't been for these strange circumstances. I am too shy otherwise. You have kept me alive and in love.
Quietly
Spending time quietly thinking about you today.
Don't you ever feel alone, or sad. This criminal activity should not hold you back from seeking help from me.
I will never let you feel alone, or sad. Love does not allow that. You are everything to me.
Time apart
A Time Apart~
His magic is his easy charm
and loyalty to my alarms
He knows I always understand
when he's been there to lend a hand
His life is stuck to toeing lines
and staying calm in hard trying times
But I can tell he's been awfully abused
which leaves me feeling sadly confused
My heart is now at a raw tender stage
and left
in sorrow, turning to rage
I loved him with entire decorum
in sorrow, turning to rage
I loved him with entire decorum
Tho'
It should have been held in a much
It should have been held in a much
different forum
My heart has been alone and sad
My heart has been alone and sad
Those cruel attackers made me so mad
My life could well be drawing short
Too much time spent in a foul phoney court
I love him still as I did way back then
It's in his deft hands to be his dear friend
Whatever the fate that for me he decides
I know I'll shall see it alive in his eyes.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2020
My life could well be drawing short
Too much time spent in a foul phoney court
I love him still as I did way back then
It's in his deft hands to be his dear friend
Whatever the fate that for me he decides
I know I'll shall see it alive in his eyes.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2020
Path
Reign of Terror~
and
tormented
soul
The only way out
was to be
in
control
Before I could
meld
two halves
to a whole
I
owned their abuse
and
set a new
goal
Those champions of evil
and
admirers of hate
should look to
tomorrow and ponder
their fate
The Universe remembers
each cruelty
inflicted
and
down a short path
will find culprits
convicted.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2020
Trust
If I die, I only want you to get what I leave. That awful man took my will. I don't want him to take anything of mine. I don't want her to have anything either. I had the power of attorney in my file that he took too. That was for you too. That is how much I always trusted you and do still.
Devotion
I started doing this to show support and devotion. I did not want you to feel alone in your pain. I didn't want to feel alone either. I hurt so badly. I am feeling that way again. It is a pain that goes deep. It is so hard to deal with it. It is worse than physical pain.
She is the patron saint of armourers, artillerymen, architects, mathematicians, miners and the Italian Navy. St. Barbara is one of the Fourteen Holy Helpers,
🌹🌹❤
Tomorrow night's star
I am not going to take anything as final until we meet. I will not settle for less than your happiness and safety and me at least being thought of as at least as a friend who you may contact, be near, or whatever is desired by you. That is a demand. I will never leave you vulnerable again. People are predators. My worry for you is what has driven me to write hundreds of letters and emails to keep you safe. You have never been off my mind. You are a part of me. I will never relax if those predators are still in charge of you. I was their scapegoat for what they want to do to you anyway.
Remember to look at the Bethlehem star tomorrow night. I will pray for you. (I always do.)
Saturday, December 19, 2020
If
Do what you want. Call me if you need me. I would defy any kind of trouble to help you.
I will never desert you. Love keeps me devoted.
I didn't start this, but I shoulder it alone, I guess.
I care what happens to people. It's what I do.
Friday, December 18, 2020
Freely
I will only have happiness when I can see you freely again.
My heart has never been so emotional before you.
I will never be the same
and I am forever grateful.
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Outta
Stephen Colbert was answering personality questions, not sure I could do it well. I think honesty is the base of my personality and brave is both my downfall and survival. I would save my loved one without thinking about the danger. Without my loved one life would be drab and lifeless. That is why life in the recent past has been Hell. I wanted to give up many times. I could not stand not to know how you were doing. It frightens the crap out of me.
Prayers
There is a lot of chance for misunderstanding. Don't let anything be the end over a mistake. This much time of devotion is no small thing. My prayers were done with love and hope.
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
Saturday, December 12, 2020
👻
Watching 👻 ghostie shows on Travel channel app.
The people on the show are at some facility like an asylum.
They aren't very brave....
Talk
I can't think of anything I would rather do than snuggle with you watching a movie, or just talking. You are my only desire after all these years. I have never gone through so much and still wonder if I will ever get to see you. It hurts everyday. I know my eyes will never want to leave your face. I don't want to lose you again. I don't think I could and stay alive. It would be too much to take.
Friday, December 11, 2020
Wednesday, December 9, 2020
Redemption
Open~
Fog has gathered
over the ocean and has
created a sanctuary
for dreamers
and those
looking for
redemption
and an open heart
that forgives
a tortured soul.
I am such a
soul
and
I pray your heart
is
open
to
me
again.
Love,
Haviva
Hard time
It has been a VERY difficult time and I got through it very well so far, but I have been terrorized and beaten up and I panic about the outcome. Humans who are abused don't always perform like a trained seal.
Old poem I wrote
"On the Brink of Love's Despair"~
The love and passion that so sacredly envelops me
Is the aura of your inner beauty that resonates throughout
the further reaches of my heart and soul
You innervated me where previously I was numb, stagnant
and mostly dead
Gently, with a trace of timidity, you held my hand and the
euphoric energy that flowed from your being to mine
took control and made me forever yours
Never has a day since been ordinary. The roses have a
luminous quality and a fragrance that softly wafts on a
welcomed breeze to perfume my silent, rapturous thoughts
of you
But you have been abolished. Stolen away from me.
My warm and tender dreams of you are now a desperate
plea to dysfunctional keepers of your freedom. They are made
of marble; not the stone that evokes involuntary gasps of
admiration, but instead, sighs of frustration at the piercing coldness
of their ridged unyielding cruelty and adherence to laws that never
saw the light of love or compassion.
I listen under the dark midnight sky, while waves hurtle themselves
to shore in a cacophony of auditory rage echoing my despair and
contained feeling of restrained anger and passing thoughts of violence.
I consider the option the watery depths could hold for me and I am
frightened, but tantalized.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2018
Tuesday, December 8, 2020
Kafka story
At 40, Franz Kafka (1883-1924), who never married and had no children, walked through the park in Berlin when he met a girl who was crying because she had lost her favourite doll. She and Kafka searched for the doll unsuccessfully.
Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would come back to look for her.
The next day, when they had not yet found the doll, Kafka gave the girl a letter "written" by the doll saying "please don't cry. I took a trip to see the world. I will write to you about my adventures."
Thus began a story which continued until the end of Kafka's life.
During their meetings, Kafka read the letters of the doll carefully written with adventures and conversations that the girl found adorable.
Finally, Kafka brought back the doll (he bought one) that had returned to Berlin.
"It doesn't look like my doll at all," said the girl.
Kafka handed her another letter in which the doll wrote: "my travels have changed me." the little girl hugged the new doll and brought her happy home.
A year later Kafka died.
Many years later, the now-adult girl found a letter inside the doll. In the tiny letter signed by Kafka it was written:
"Everything you love will probably be lost, but in the end, love will return in another way."
Sunday, December 6, 2020
Lucky
It just hurts my heart to think that such a wonderful person as you gets abused, mistreated. (Defiled) It is like purposely harming a Rembrandt, and slapping a saint. I know, you are human, but still, you are to be nurtured and appreciated, not stomped on and taken for granted.
I would love to have a chance to show how much I appreciate you.
I truly meant it when I said the people were lucky to work for you.
I am lucky to have been in love with you.
I know, I am not photogenic......but HI!
Friday, December 4, 2020
Fire
There was a fire along Hwy 1 and I was worried, but someone drove by and said it was controlled. I am so relieved.
Highly
I guess I was supposed to get so unattractive that you would be disgusted by me. It makes me think they don't think very highly of you, but I guess their wish was granted because I have a lot wrong with me in the looks department. Basically all I have is love and a good heart and will work on the rest. I haven't slept well in several years and sadness, worry and fear have been my constant unwanted companions. Now I am always in pain and just pray it will get better. I am lucky to be alive at all.
Without your memory, I wouln't. Bless your sweet heart and caring mind.
Thursday, December 3, 2020
Monday, November 30, 2020
Sunday, November 29, 2020
View
Stolen View~
Time stole a view
of your
perfect face
and robbed me of a
pure embrace
My shattered mind
sank
to disgrace
but spoke in prayers
that brought me
grace
I was a soul who'd
left out
love
and closed
that door
with an angry
shove
I'd live without
a one
called "dear"
but slowly sank
a bitter
tear
I found him at the
strangest place
and set
the
clock
to fit his
pace
He took my heart
in leaps and bounds
while I endured
in thorny
crowns
From on my cross
I'll rise up high
And pray I'll see him
as I die
His life is not the
one
he owns
they'll grind him
down from
skin
to
bones.
I hope he finds a nice
life back
That's free from
anger
and attack
I'll love him here
until I die
Then from a star
up in the sky
I know I'll never say
"good-bye"
Forever in love.
~Haviva
(c) HVM 2020
Wednesday, November 25, 2020
Monday, November 23, 2020
Sunday, November 22, 2020
Important
I knew you were someone I would always love when I first met you. I knew it would not be easy. I knew it would be complicated. But, I knew you needed help and you confirmed it. I never thought anyone in a field such as attorney would ever try and force the harmful situation on a victim. That was a shocker. See, that is where money as the root of evil comes in. (And quid pro quo.) She is not going to change. She will always treat you badly, because you are nice. She is trying to kill me. I was not being flippant when I was saying to escape. You need to do it. When I love someone, they feel protected, pampered and important. I love you.
Friday, November 20, 2020
Veg (again)
I planted so many fruit trees in Millbrae, that it was used as a selling feature. (Broke my heart to sell, but no choice.) I planted an apricot tree by the house and it got huge and had the most delicious apricots (and tons of them!) I feel absolutely disabled here by not having a place to grow any veggies, or much fruit!
Thursday, November 19, 2020
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
Monday, November 16, 2020
Delighted
What is love? To be delighted by the happiness of another.
GOTTFRIED WILHELM LEIBNIZ, Confessio Philosophi
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Nice
Interesting segment on a show about Eleanor Roosevelt. Nice to hear about a wealthy child who did not turn out like a jerk.
Cleansing my palate of Trump.
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Nerd time!
Watched a fascinating program with Michio Kaku. It is basic, but clarifying. He is an excellent instructor. I was fortunate enough to get tickets to a lecture by Stephen Hawking when he came to San Jose awhile ago. Of course I brought my science nerd son. He loved it.
Friday, November 13, 2020
You are loved
You don't need to be anyone to me. I am sure you have forgotten me and have a life. Just tell the DA you don't want to be my friend and you won't have to have anything more to do with me. Just please remove the R.O. It isn't nice. I will still go after the people who did this to me. Attempted murder has no statute of limitations.
Yes, I love you with all my heart, but I am feeling kind of foolish. You see how much I try and protect you, but I expect nothing back, really. I want to see this to the end, but maybe you are used to your life and no longer need anything from me, but I cannot know, can I? I think you have no power, I don't know. Maybe you won't even help me. Guess I am feeling sad and all my strength is eroding away. Maybe you didn't expect me to still be alive either. My connection may be dropping. Do you really want to live with a monster who terrorizes people and doesn't mind killing them? I am still here. I do want to give you your gifts and say hi again. I want to feel normal one more time again. Each time I think about never seeing you again everything inside me rebels and turns into sadness. It is like you are the moon and I am a wave. It's silly I guess. I have nothing keeping me anywhere, I suppose. I will still keep journaling. Just don't let anyone hurt you. Know you are loved.
Amazing
Even if it isn't a romantic friendship, I want to still know you. I want it to be romantic, but I do want what you want. Just having you in my bit of the world, would be amazing.
Let
I would like to be able to love you, so if that isn't okay, please let me know. I just cannot stop feeling like it.
Show
So, a big show was put on about my having breast cancer, but now that I know it was never cancer, I am avoided by my own doctor, etc. I need to get a different Obgyn, I guess, since mine lied to me too (along with them). I'd like to understand what he was thinking. Did he know he was sending me potentially to my death? Did you hear anything?
Thursday, November 12, 2020
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
Life
I am sitting here and sighing. I have been waiting so long to see you again it is getting absurd. I have no idea what is supposed to happen in December. I would love to hug you and then find out what you want to do. What I want to be certain is that you are free to do what you want and be free to live your own life. Have you been able to speak with anyone protective, or in authority?
I don't know what is going on, but I will take the antibiotics and keep taking the supps. I get so many odd pains and other strange things happening. I thought at the time that Dr. Moon injected me with more than just pain relief. Not sure, but I need to have an in-depth look soon.
If I should be so blessed to be able to see you as someone close to you, my life would be beautiful. The last 5 years would merely be a blurr, a nightmare. To hear your voice, to gaze into your eyes......to feel your healing, caring hug.
Funny
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It’s often very easy for a p
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It’s often very easy for a p
It’s often very easy for a p
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It’s often very easy for a p
It’s often very easy for a p
It’s often very easy for a p
It’s often very easy for a p
It’s often very easy for a p
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