Freedom

Please speak up and tell them the truth. But not if it hurts you.

Scapegoat

 Will you stop them from railroading me again? I cannot live through this (again).  I have NO RESPECT for someone like your partner who does this to an innocent woman out of selfish reasons! Dr. Moon was calling ME selfish and takes things that belong to other people! That I have no feeling and I only think of myself, etc! She DOES think of you as her PROPERTY, doesn't she? It did not bother her at all to have a woman falsely put into jail and she would DO IT AGAIN!

Bad

It makes me feel so bad that I must put up with the indignities of this! It is wrong and I will see that that attorney and that awful, cruel woman pay for it! You should join me in taking them to task! It has been horrible and humiliating for you too!

No surprise....

 I adore you!

Will

 That attorney took (stole)my file and it has my will and power of attorney in it. Wonder if you ever got it....it had you in both. I trust no one as I do you. 

Early

 Coming down a day early.

Rambling

 I feel that some days I am more confident about myself, others not. I am really nervous you will think eek when you see me, but there are no guarantees. Then again, you have never been superficial. But, I am really not all that different, I am just nervous. It is a scary thing to see someone again after so long; you feel on parade. Maybe they should conduct court business with cocktails..... 😄😃

I miss you so much. I want us to join forces and keep people from attacking ever again. It has been such an odd time. I think that together we could have a nice time. I always enjoyed talking with you very much! I don't know anyone I would rather know, or care about. I just hope I don't faint. 

I keep wondering if that attorney will pull some last minute crap. I may have an officer there. Not sure. 

I just want to walk out of that place with you and visit, or whatever.  Every so often, I think maybe you really didn't like me, but you did not seem like it, except when you were supposed to act like it. 

I hope you will not mind if I use a few pleasant emails to establish a lack of animosity, between us. It is obvious when the interloper arrived. MP made it sound like you and she were rivals for me. I thought that was strange, since I did not know her, but that is what she said. I usually changed who was a rival for whom, since it made more sense, but she did say she wanted to go to Prague with me. 

I want to pick a lovely day and sit by the ocean with you, maybe a picnic...I would also like to go to 1/2 Moon Bay and see how it is. I hope not too many shops have folded. Seems like quite a few have closed here. Terrible.  The most beautiful place in 1/2 Moon Bay is the Ritz Carlton. I go there even low on funds. One can sit on the patio by a fire ring, get a glass of water from the bar, put powdered fruit juice in it and then spike it with a flask. I rarely drink, but special occasions.....I know it sounds cheapy, but one should not have to be wealthy to have fun at nice places. Then the piper plays Amazing Grace as the sun sets. It is so lovely! I have had dinner there, and it is wonderful food, even if one gets soup (clam chowder) and rolls, it is a memorable experience. The Fairmont in SF is a lot of fun too, even to just sit on their comfy couches and have a wine, or something. It is my fave place to go after looking around in Chinatown. It seems that when I walk around fascinating places, I can go walking forever. 

I wonder if you did much during this long time. I hope no one was cruel to you. I know who had the radiologist terrorize me and scared me off of trusting anyone with surgery on me. I would not have done it anyway. I could imagine lying  on the table and waking up with the last person I see is......that woman, and never wake up.

Anyway, you know how I feel, so just remember that.  I never lost faith in you. It truly saved me. I want to just say, "screw you" to all the mean people and run out together.  

I'm basically just rambling and writing and thinking about you. Hugs! 

 

A chance

The air is moist, so I hope that helps put out fires. It is also suppose to rain at some point, but someone told me that there may be lightening along with the rain. I hope the fires end soon and all are safe from this point on.

You have been a fond memory in my mind. It has been so long, it almost qualifies as nostalgia. This has been a cruel time, but you have always remained in my heart. Sometimes, well most times, it turns into an ache when I think of you. The nicest time was when your hand rested on mine. I was so elated! Never in my dreams would I have allowed myself to be in such a beautiful situation. One does not need to be in dramatic scenes to create a moment to last forever. A brief look, or a meaningful smile, a kind word, or falling with delight into the depths of dark eyes that hold a promise of comfort and gentle protective caring. Nothing was ever less than a feeling of magic and joyful possibilities with you. I was blessed each time you looked my way. Now, I have been plunged into darkness and feel so lost. I long for the light to return.

Grateful

I am so grateful for my love for you. I want to be there for you and be what you want and need. I will never let you down purposely. Sometimes I make stupid mistakes, but when I am able to speak with you I will show you my dedication and my unending support and love.

I have to take it seriously

 This fraudulent legal crap. I should not have to be worried about this still again. It is reprehensible.

I feel anxious

 If I don't know you are okay. 

Are you okay?

 Are you okay?

5 Years in Hell.

I have been the most insignificant, significant person that has ever existed. My life and it's consequences seem to matter to no one and everyone.

I feel like I became a part of a problem that had already been raging and yet somehow I managed to become made into the primary cause, a scapegoat. Kind of a hostage to the situation. I seem to be as much a part of the cause of this strange charade as much as a first responder to a fire is responsible for the blaze and makes about as much sense.

I came into the middle of a story, but with the help of some very strange and unethical people with more money and power than sense, was made into the one who caused the ills of their worlds, instead of merely being a symptom of of their poor relationship, I was turned into the cause. I think that one of them thought that if I could be made into the problem and they did not have to take responsibility for any of the work that goes into a relationship and with me made into some sacrificial lamb, that my destruction would somehow bring about a new and vital spark to make their relationship fresh and new.

I knew nothing about any of that twisted situation when I met Dr. Lukaszewicz. I merely responded to his help and kindness and his dedication. I enjoyed our conversations. We emailed mostly about my health and how to remedy it, but also a few comments about likes and observations. I think we were both happy to know someone who shared our interests and pleasant feeling of being around them. He was never improper and neither was I, but his domestic partner, Dr. Moayeri seemed to have a hypervigilant watch over him, like a dog guarding a yummy bone it wanted to chew on at a later time.  I always had the feeling of being watched when I was at Dr. Lukaszewicz's department. If I stopped at his office after a visit, someone would literally be breathing down my neck, the entire time I was there. It became clear that he was not trusted to be alone with people. It was overtly so.  He had a short leash.

I had given Dr. Lukaszewicz a few gifts to thank him for his kindness and because he had take on more responsibility for my difficult healthcare situation. I take pride in my gift giving and try to make them significant according to the person and their place in life and how much gratitude I felt. I had no idea that my few gifts would cause such an explosion of wrath and infuriated attack.....but not from Dr. Lukaszewicz it seemed to be like a lightning bolt from on high. Dr. Lukaszewicz, himself, showed enormous gratitude and it warmed my heart to see it. His gratitude seemed to match my own. That was why a TRO aimed at my gifts was an absurd premise for a legal matter, especially around 100 days after I had last seen him. Even Nordstrom only allows a limited time for returns and I think 100 days would be pushing it. Some feeble attempt at saying I said some kind of romantically charged overtures was added in to the TRO, since sex sells, but was never a topic in any future legal matters. It is because I am not "someone who would make a wife jealous", according to a man who pretended to be my attorney, but who was obviously on the Kaiser Attorney's payroll, (although I had given him a down payment of $1000).

Dr. Lukaszewicz asked me if I wanted to become friends on my last day of seeing him as a patient. I dropped him to begin the wait period to transition from patient to social acquaintance....whatever it was.....I had no idea. Around 3, or more months later, I was told I needed gallbladder removal surgery. I asked if Dr. Lukaszewicz could observe. I waited from Tuesday evening until Friday afternoon to have the surgery, which, at that time was his half day at work. I was told by the nurse at the station, that she had seen him leaving my room after he checked on me. I used a phone number given to me by Bertha Ponse, Kaiser Patient Relations manager to say thank you to Dr. Lukaszewicz.....a week, or so later.....I was given a TRO for unwanted gifts and romantic overtures.

So while I was recuperating from the surgery, I got a TRO served upon me. Gee, flowers would have been plenty...! Does that make a scintilla of sense to anyone? Me either.

I thought perhaps it could have been enforcement of the waiting period, but in time that did not seem feasible. There was too much cruelty, torment and JAIL included to enforce something with a sweet ending. No, this was intense anger and jealousy that fueled the beast that was this situation. I had no freedom to fight back. Each door to find help was magically firmly bolted against me. People treated me like a bad smell and people I had known seem to revile me. This is a brief synopsis, but suffice it to say, my life was made into Hell on Earth. I was made into a pariah and worse, A CRIMINAL!

Michael C. Guasco used his infamous TRO law to hobble, crush and basically destroy me. I suffered damnation on Earth and many times I just wanted to die. My instincts told me that the attacks against me were a desperate attempt at getting rid of me by a jealous partner. Later, when I was viciously and sadistically attacked during breast biopsy removal by an insanity charged radiologist, it was made absolutely clear who was behind the entire matter: it was Dr. Lukaszewicz's domestic partner, Dr. Moayeri.

Mr. Guasco indulged Dr. Moayeri's request to get rid of me by putting a false TRO against me, under Dr. Lukaszewicz's name. By making Dr. Moayeri's dreams come true and maybe giving her a bit of sadistic pleasure too, she was able to have 5 unfettered years to create a good relationship with Dr. Lukaszewicz, while I suffered abuse and humiliation at the hands of Dr. Moayeri's friends and colleagues. She failed at a relationship and took it out on me. She needs mental help.

What Mr. Guasco did was indulge the insane behavior of a narcissistic person didn't even bother, it appears, to find a solution to any relationship problems. It is my contention that my breast cancer diagnosis was supposed to result in my death, or brain death from surgery. Marija M. Petrovic's role was to get me as her patient, interrogate me, put a load of false diagnoses in my chart and use her covert trained mind to get me to kill myself, or have someone else do it and point to her phony diagnoses as the culprit. She nearly got me to drown myself. Dr. Lukaszewicz came to my rescue by having everyone call me as a distraction.

So, basically, it seems, Dr. Moayeri does not want to put in any time, or effort to salvage a relationship, she figures that a wealthy and powerful woman should not have to lower herself to be a reasonable, communicating, caring part of a relationship, when torturing a senior woman with several health issues is so much more amusing. I also believe that Dr. Lukaszewicz's mother was murdered as a part of a "package deal."

Dr. Moayeri and Mike Guasco seem to feel my life is expendable and think interfering in my personal life is a bonus. Five years torment, abuse, left in the dark, reviled, screamed at, jailed, made into a criminal, had my health worsen, alienated from my mother and son, because of the shame, lost friends who are public servants, stayed at home, out of fear, had a breast cancer diagnosis, and most importantly, lost for 5 years the most wonderful and important person in my life: Dr. Lukaszewicz!

I stayed alive through tenacity, love, hope and prayer. They were all I had. 

My attackers showed not one bit of compassion, my pain was their joy. I know that.

WTF?

I have been putting papers together. It has me feeling sad. All the lies and cruelty that has gone on for such a long time and terrible people are trying to keep it going longer. What the Hell is wrong with people?

The Pandemic and Vitamin D, Science

No agitation

 My little washing machine stopped agitating. I cannot figure it out. I hate to think of discarding it. 

Rising up!

How are you doing? I keep thinking that I was jinxed.  I am having a hard time accepting the fate of not getting through last week, plus an infection? Ugh!

It is funny, because at the clinic, a helicopter was starting up the engine outside the window. It made me think about staying at the lighthouse and the helicopter was flying by and rising up from beneath the cliff, very dramatic!

Sleep well!

Hugs!

Great team.

Biden's acceptance speech was great as well as was Kamala's! We have an exceptional team! I liked the way Michelle Obama called Joe a decent man. Surprising how decent means so very much more now than it did before. 

I hate Trump's negativity and his idiot nicknames! 

Nice day

It is so beautiful out, I am going to have dinner on the porch where it is breezy, shady and nice. Two small deer were walking on the drive way. It was sweet.

I have a break from my IV antibiotics tomorrow. I go back Monday.

Making chicken and salad for dinner.

I am so happy my salad mix seeds are sprouting.

I would never use someone in my plan against someone else. That is so disrespectful and abusive. I would get it out in the open and talk, no cowardly attacks. I hate the way you have been used. It makes me really angry.

There are Hawks flying in relaxed gliding patterns. They look so carefree, like they are so much enjoying life.

BS (BLOOD SUGAR)

 I have been eating well, and less, but blood sugar is not so good. I need the exercise I used to do. I loved the trail. I guess I did lose 20 lbs, here, so that is a plus! Here is a lot of beauty, when no fire. I want to take a lot of walks, but I went into queen Victoria style grief, only hers was 40 years! That is super grief! I was frozen for 5 years.

Honest

I feel bad that I ended my sweet loving post with such ugliness. I should have ended it with sweetness, not saying I would make them pariahs. I would make it all sweetness and light, but I thought I'd leave it as honest as to how I was feeling at the time.

More IV

 Getting my IV antibiotics.

See

 All this shit, when all I want is to see you again. I just hate this!

Fabric

 I do what I can with what I can (at this time) fighting desperate people. No one who has done what they have done are nice people. Time has been on my side only as far as evidence gathering. I am thrust into a bizarre situation and am trying to deal with it as best I can and with as much grace as possible, when I would rather cry and scream. It is a haunted house situation, with things popping out at me trying to derail me, or scare me to death. Much of it is frustrating and cruel, which makes life annoying, but I just keep going. It reminds me of Trump how he pops up with new crap each day to make life horrible. These people doing this are all cut from the same cloth. A fabric called asshole!

Lonely

It is really crappy to hear nothing from anyone. It is about as lonely as a person can feel.

No power

 I don't know what people think, but I did my best to get there. Why wouldn't I? Nothing else makes sense. I have been so upset and sad. I have lived for that day! I have no power over road closures. In fact, what power have I had over anything in this false thing?

Missing

 I feel terrible from missing you.

you.

 There is nothing better than loving you.

Check in.

 Don't let him lie to you about me. They are the lowest form human being  in existence.  Follow your heart, it will guide you.

Never loved like this before

I feel so alone. There was nothing I could do to get to the court. I need to know that nothing is wrong. But how? I guess just wait... 

When I love someone, they are my center of attention and joy of my life and never would I disrespect them, nor make them feel small, or unappreciated. I hope the one I love and will love forever, will give me a chance to prove it. I have never loved like this before. I have found the one who feels like the missing part. I feel like life is a delight with him near. How wonderful!

When I get my story written, those people will be reviled and pariahs. 

Cruel keeper

I get no response to anything, unless I call. I am told nothing, yet I get things happening to me that I don't understand. Some crazy woman with power and money cannot manage to be nice enough to her "partner" to keep him happy. She hires two hit men to terrorize me. She has had complete freedom for 5 years. She cannot stand the thought that I am still alive. She attacks me, yet no reprimand for her. 

I am trying with all my might to get truth and justice out there, but people act like I am the "bad guy"! They have all the power and yet attack me! If Dr. L doesn't want her, he has that right! She can't even manage to be nice to him and most likely abuses him. Shut down the TRO and he is a free man and I am a free woman! We can be free to live our lives as WE want, not what some unhinged woman wants.

Narcissist and the "attorney."

 For over 5 years I have been treated like fair game, filth and  lower than human. I have been screamed at and treated like a monster to be reviled. I had no voice, no rights, no respect and lived in fear that someone might try and kill me. No one spoke to me, they yelled at me. I was told I was hated, told that I was an embarrassment and reviled. I was treated like my name had been smeared and I was looked at with suspicion. The people who did this to me, covered every angle and had me smeared and blacklisted. They knew my every move and were one step ahead of me. They wanted me to be treated like dirt and unable to find help legally. I want to find out what was said about me to get such a reaction. I could find no attorney and one attorney, Charles Applegate, in Santa Rosa, essentially said that he would not let me hire him if I were the last person on Earth! Why?

The people doing this, the person who hired the people who did it to me and who was behind the attack on me by Dr. Moon, Dr. N. Moayeri, from her behavior, could only be called evil. She behaves like a Mafia criminal one hears about in movies! That person displays no sense of empathy! She seems to feel entitled to own people and has the power over life and death. Her lack of remorse for her actions is what makes her dangerous and the fact she is still working through other medical personnel to attack me and physically hurt me and mentally torment and make me feel that if I went for treatment, I could die. So, they told me I have "really, really bad breast cancer" and I need to have surgery, but tell me I can take a med and then sometime in July have surgery. Well, after I said that I hoped to have someone observe in July, suddenly the pressure was on by the female vascular surgeon, Dr. Romero, to have it done prior to July. There was no reason given, or new testing done, but one comment, "I'm not certain how long we can hold back the cancer with the Arimidex". It isn't a levee, it is an actual remedy. I feel as if I am being pressured to go in for surgery earlier than planned, because I said I might be able to have another surgeon observe the surgery in July.  They seem to want to have something go wrong during surgery and either have me die, or become mentally disabled. 

That surgeon told me, when I asked, that the cancer had been there 2-3 years. If that is true and it is 2cm , then it is slow growing, so why would a few more weeks matter to wait until some time in July? Also, it still nags me that my gyn found nothing unusual during his physical exam at all, yet the radiologist said it was "really, really bad!" That makes no sense! And prior, he had called me and raised his voice to me and said twice, "CANCER ISN'T PAINFUL!" I had gone in to see him because of breast pain, but later in the month called me and said I needed biopsies because otherwise, "you're gonna DIE! Your're gonna DIE!  I feel so jerked around by those clowns, I have NO confidence in them! This isn't right!

I have been a tormented target of the cowardly, self-centered, narcissistic, twisted, greedy megalomaniac, Dr. Moayeri, for over 5 years and thrown into jail, with worsened health as a result! I was an eggshell victim! That doctor and her assistants, are a danger to society! She does not know me, nor has ever spoken to me, yet she has used false law against me and made certain my personal life was sheer misery too. I did nothing wrong! It has been tantamount to attempted murder!

She unleashed her fury on an absolute stranger, who never did anything wrong, except in her twisted mind. This could happen to anyone else, she decides is an annoyance to her! It is frightening to consider!

Even though Mr. Guasco knew I was waiting to have Dr. Lukaszewicz observe my breast cancer surgery, he still hit me with his trademark pre-emptive strike TRO as he does to the less advantaged Kaiser patients, such as a quadriplegic man and a father of a brain damaged son. Neither of them deserved to be destroyed by Guasco, but he did it anyway. He is ruthless and heartless and his M.O.  is used to keep patients with valid complaints about Kaiser at a decided disadvantage. Now, I have been told Mr. Guasco uses Kaiser employees as his Plaintiffs and actors in court to play the abused individual. It would be enough to legally harm the patient with the valid complaint to be destroyed and any idea of remuneration to the Kaiser patient was avoided. Kaiser has built up a 28 billion dollar "petty cash" fund, so someone is doing  well. Kaiser allows Guasco to hurt innocent people, harm their health and let them pick up their own pieces and go one as bet they can. They don't even mind using their own doctors as players in the legal charade, even if it also causes them harm. 

There were many times I was in so much pain from their abuse, I could barely stand it. I am sure they put Dr. Lukaszewicz through Hell too. He is such a great guy, it makes me so angry it was done to him.

Septicemia

 Gee, my leg was turning black, but who cares? No one.

Dreaming

Anyone who thinks I could have made it to court is dreaming.

It was the worst disappointment I have had in a long time. Then, the attorney says I could come late, but the fires were still going and I lost my driver to exhaustion and me to the clinic to save my life from septicemia.

After all this time of talking to no one, I had to speak with that dirtball attorney. Wow,nice...... :-(

Clinic, etc

 Doing well with the IV antibiotics. No sign of cancer as far as the woman's health expert says, but she wants me to have another mammogram at another place. I would rather have an MRI.  But not certain I could afford it. I will look for the lowest price.  I haven't had too much extra, since I have been helping someone financially who hasn't been able to work. She told me she was able to pick up her med because of it. That makes me feel good, but I worry about her. I can only give small amounts.

If

 So, no one should be angry with me. I did all I could and my leg and foot are giving me horrible pain. The side of my leg was turning black in a small area. My legs and feet are an embarrassment. I eat very little and fill up on water. But I have my moments, but stay large. 5 years of torment and sadness,doesn't help. All this because a woman wants to control another person's life! I am just collateral damage. Everyone bow and kiss her ring! Slavery did not return! She sounds extremely spoiled.

The women's health expert said she found no breast cancer.I guess I did mention it. But I need another mammogram outside my insurance. They wanted to maim me, or kill me, or make me brain dead. 

All I wanted was to be able to talk with you and know you. And if it worked out, possibly take care of you and make you happy and feel adored.

Lost

 I am dying to see your sweet face and hear your beautiful voice again! I am so lost without you. 

Crazy woman

 I do not understand how that obviously disturbed woman has been able to do this to me. Doesn't she figure that she has had 5 years of a chance to make things right, but it isn't working, so maybe it is time to call it a day? So, instead she figures she should keep ME restrained longer to give her the extra edge? That is not reasonable, coherent thinking! She has no empathy, or courage to speak with someone, or you(?) I guess I am the problem in her mind. You should not have your own life, huh? That is absurd. If she doesn't absolutely adore you, she truly does not deserve you. You are wonderful, lovely and amazing. You deserve to be cherished.

Hugs,

And

Love

Vitriol

 It kills me how self-righteous that Attorney is, when all he does is lie and break the law and I do nothing wrong. Bizarre! I can't even say much to my mother, because she doesn't want to hear bad things.i just don't know why I have been left in the dark about everything. As I have said, I don't mind the wait, but  cruelty was not necessary! It truly compromised my health and endangered my life!  All the vitriol directed at me was horrible!

At the clinic getting IV

 antibiotics. Then a woman's health specialist. I could have died of septicemia, and could not drive through fire, so the attorney can save the guilt for someone who deserves it! (A-hole!)

R.O. Reform

The new court date is September 3 @9 am. It is absurd. It must make "someone" feel hugely powerful. But when it happens by using criminal methods, it is all bogus. I think there needs to be restraining order reform. I am truly going to take up the cause.

Just got a call from the judge's office about the time change for the TRO hearing. 9 am, Sept. 3. pretty gruff sounding woman. I was not thrilled that the attorney made it sound like it was all my fault. I did not cause the fires, or the infection!

Apologies

 I asked that Attorney to tell you I said I was very sorry, but he said, "I will tell the judge you were very sorry." Snotty. It isn't like it was my fault. I was being polite he seems to often feel obligated to be an asshole.

Everything

I want to be everything to you. I think of you and want to cry, because I have missed you for so long. I want to look at you and listen to you forever. I want  to get lost in your warm eyes and feel comforted and loved always. I want to do the same for you. 

Friend of my heart

I am resting and trying to recover. I was dead tired. And so disappointed. The sooner I can see you again, the better.  I feel like a mess, but you lift me up to do better.

Sending my love to you, my amazing and beautiful friend of my heart! I will love you forever! 

The gall

The person who purposely worked on harming me has the gall to try and make me feel guilty for interrupting your work day, saying I was making you have to cancel your patients and then rescheduling them. He just cannot resist even small cruelties. I was out there looking for ways to get there while I was in extreme pain. Does he think I would not have done almost anything to be there? I could not drive and my driver was so tired, I had no right to push him, like I would have done for myself. 

I think my license went unrenewed due to the warrant for my arrest, since the attorney put my old address on the PD complaint.....the one I do not believe for a moment that you filed. Messing with addresses is his M.O. He is a cheap thug, not a learned lawyer.

I said I wanted to have another court hearing asap.

No fanfare

The young 14 year old man with a stutter was so courageous to talk about Joe Biden on camera.  I felt like, "he is so brave, I must emulate that spirit."

I will.  

It is easy to stand up for a loved one, but to stand up to those who hurt others and who have all the power, takes more tenacity and resolve than you assume you could muster, but not when you love someone who has done so much for you and makes life so beautiful for you even in the background, no big fanfare; he likes to help without bragging about it. There are so many reasons to love him. The list goes on forever.     

Too long.

 I am so sorry I missed you. I am aching to see you. I hope it happens again soon. Be safe!!! 

I am so sad. I need to forgive myself for failing and especially failing you. I will get it done this time. I am just devastated. Waiting for you has been too long as is.

Virulent LIES!

 The covid lies got us nowhere!!!!! (Except DEAD!)

Big and little ways

 I feel loved, in big and little ways. 

The convergence of events was unfortunate (I feel upset, but trying to take it like an adult). I have to say to myself, "things happen for a reason." At first, I felt like a child who was kicking their heels on the floor, but managed along with my integrity intact....more, or less. I was so certain, I could get anything done that I wanted. Damn! I am sorry I let you down.

Nothing like it

 What could feel better than being in love with someone and wanting their life to be lovely? 

Nothing as far as I am concerned.

Cowards

I guess I was on my way to blood poisoning. I think they are going to give me more IV antibiotics tomorrow and other things. It still hurts very much. I went to sleep and when I awoke was confused thinking it was the next day. Strange feeling. 

This morning, someone slashed the hose next to the house. There were slash marks in both hoses that were for irrigating. Seems odd that both hoses would have cut marks in them and spraying out water.  I don't know if I pay for that water, or  the HOA. I called the water co. Thinking that if my bill were higher, I would know who was paying that water. A couple of years ago an irrigation hose in front of my house was also slashed the same way! My front door area was flooded. I suspected the gardener who thought my little car with rainbow flag on it belonged to Michael, my renter, and he called Michael "whatever you are" after he said he was glad that car with the rainbow flag on it had been towed away, (along with my Range Rover).

I think he also stole my great aunt's foo dog I had next to the front door here. Never in a million years did I think it would be stolen, but so many things were done to cause me trouble and expense and heartache. It hurts me since my great aunt and uncle had it at least since before I was a child, next to the front door in Millbrae. I have no trouble knowing where to lay the blame for things done to me. It was the hitman, MP. If I went on about things were done to attack me, I would sound like a conspiracy theorist. It makes me wonder how much you suffered under the thumb of those people. They are determined, it is so childish. That is what binds them together, that they wanted to hurt me by destroying things. What people like that do not understand, is that things being taken, or destroyed is bad, but as long as loved ones are still around, I am happy. I guess they like to be sneaky, but they know I can put 2+2 together very easily. They knew I would figure it out and make me hate the person I so love.  Not a chance. Being attacked on a more serious level, in a medical facility, made me understand to what depths they would go, but the cowardly method used and what was said to me, gave it away.  They don't care who they hurt, so my worry was for you.  

That CHP officer this morning, was so shaken up by the fire, he seemed to take comfort in talking to us. He was very young. The weird lightening the other night is what set the fires, from what they said. The lightning seemed to be in multiples. 

 

Soul

 

"Drowning Glory"

I only wish to talk to you
To see your face
reactions too

I dream with sad and aching heart
That magic plays a little part
Of how my life comes into view
and whispers ardent feelings true

You've been the soul of my desire
that took a chance to brave the Liar
The mighty lion within you roared
And vanquished evil
without
a sword

From you I still remain
a sinner
Where sadness reigns
No one's a winner

With precious truth
forever held
Our angel's
tears
Together meld

In vast profusion
tumbling
Down
Before too long
Will make me drown.

-Haviva

(c) HVM 2020

Intense.

 I wish I could tolerate more than otc pain meds. Pain is intense. I was trying to get there so hard, but defeat was inevitable, besides, my driver was dead tired. Seeing that still alive deer lying on the side of the road stabbed me in the heart.  I saw right into its eyes. I just sobbed and sobbed. Poor little thing.

Med notes

 

Fast changes

They will check the infection on my leg over a few days. It turned black pretty fast. My wbc was high. They are culturing the pus. Yuck! Got an IV antibiotic and Rx for augmentin.

The fires have gotten worse. The CHP Officer said the fire exploded behind him and was on both sides of the road. Things change fast!

Pain and fire.

I left a message for the attorney and the judge that I cannot get there. I am also in so much pain I cannot stand it. I will call the court in general too.

Tylenol is doing very little.

 I guess one could just say, "well she lives in Mendocino County, so maybe she can't get through". The woman at the CHP gave me bad info. I got nearly through, but a CHP car stopped me. He said any further, it was an inferno on both sides of the road. My pain sprung up too. 

You know how desperately sad I am. Seeing you was all that mattered to me. Just don't let that bogus TRO get through.

 My foot is just getting worse and worse. 

I am so disappointed, I have been living for this day. Come see me soon, or have me see you. Time is going by and neither deserves this.

Stopped

 Two painful areas of infection on my leg and one on my foot. My foot is swelling up. Could it be a spider bite? Doesn't look like it. 

Please get the thing dropped, so we can visit soon, okay? Tell that woman that if she has not gotten what she wanted in five years, to give up. This is not fair, or legal. She needs to grow up and stop hurting people. Please help me. I will always take care of you, not be insane like her. Please tell the judge to continue it, or drop it. I cannot have another false R.O. it will kill me. She and Guasco need to be stopped.

Please stand up to them like you did before.

Bogus, help!

 Turned back on one road. Heading north. Tell judge it is 

bogus, or drop the case., But get it stopped. Please?

My ankle hurts so much!

Too much pain

The infection has gotten worse, I can barely walk. I was already turned back from one way of going to try and get there. I am in so much pain, I can barely stand it. I will have to go to the local urgent care.

There is a big pustual on my ankle and now another on my foot, only in a few hours! What it? My entire foot is in terrible pain.

Trying

 Trying to get out of here. Just saw an injured deer lying on the side of the road, I am devastated. I hate Guasco and that insane woman. 

Tomorrow

 I hope I see you tomorrow.  It is all I care about. Big HUGS!

IJLY

 I just love you.

Won't stop me!

 I have some oddball infection on my ankle! It is so painful, but it will not stop me! 

Looks like there is a way to get through

 I will give it a try.

Fires are possibly stopping me from getting through

 I was just ready to leave, but the fires are blocking me in. I may not make it to court, plus if I go, I may not be able to get back. 

Just pray no one gets destroyed.

Have it go away

 I was hoping it would all "go away" Thursday. They know it is a hardship for me. They have wasted time, energy and resources. They have hijacked our lives for the better part of 5 years; it is absolutely criminal! It needs to stop and it needs to be investigated! Hopefully the police reports will be a help. 

Basic training

 I am not feeling well. This med makes me feel bad sometimes. I hope I can get off of it soon. I just think it is a misdiagnosis. I know they were taking biopsies from the lipedema areas.  It may have all been to get me under the knife. I am not going to have anything done w/o my friend there.  The fierce cruelty and intensity of Dr. Moon was scary. Why would anyone do that for another person and act so much like it was their own hate? Nice acting.It was like that attorney in court, kept looking expectantly at the door, as if you would walk through it at any second. He acted like he could not spell, or pronounce your name. What an asshole. You are probably the center of his financial dreams; at least he could learn the basics. 

Missing you

 Thinking of you and missing you.

Sleep

Sleep well, sweet one. My prayers are for you to keep you safe and happy and always feel loved......by me!

Relax

 So can I relax and not be frightened Thurs?

Loved

 When I think of Monterey, I think of John Denver, but most importantly was your beautiful kindness to me. That will always mean so very much (to me). It was unbelievable compassion. 

I was not used to people doing such beautiful things for me, before you. You found so many ways to melt my heart and make me feel loved.

Counting Crows - Round Here (Official Video)

Haircut

I just gave my renter a haircut. I boo booed and kind took too much off one side. Otherwise, nice as usual. I could do yours too, if you'd like.

Question

 I wonder if you could ever love me?

I figured it was too much to ask. Maybe not. I love you.

In My Life I love you more

Same time.

I am watching a lovely sunset over the ocean and thinking that seeing your face would challenge that beauty. I cannot look at anything wonderful and not think about you at the same time. You blessed my life; I want to bless yours too. 

Know

All the lovely things I say about you and all the love I show for you, I MEAN, with all my heart, body and soul!

You are beautiful, loyal and compassionate. I am blessed each and every day! 

Be safe and happy and knowing how much you are loved!

Court

 8/20 Email to Guasco and forwarded to......authorities.

Inbox

x

Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com>	3:12 PM (26 minutes ago)
to Mike

I know your M.O. for that courtroom (8C, 9am) and 

court in general. I have alerted people in authority 

who will be watching to see how you behave. 

--

Sincerely,

Cheryl Petrovich

Frivolous

There are going to be people who are going to monitor the court goings on, so if Guasco tries any funny stuff, those in authority will pick him like a ripe grape! It is already a frivolous law suit (TRO/RO) anyway!

Rigged hearing

They are holding the hearing in courtroom 8 c, where it was held before! It is way far away so no one can hear anything going on! Away from the main courtrooms. It was where I was railroaded before! Guasco said Dr. Lukaszewicz was there when he wasn't! His signature was forged! The judge intimidated me and would not listen to me! It was all rigged! I have started shaking I am so scared! Guasco will say Dr. Lukaszewicz was there again, when he was not. I hope that is not going to be true, it was illegal and railroading.

Bad happens

I feel like the end could not be near, because so much disappointment and bad have gone on, I only expect bad now. 

Stuff

 I hate that I am not more on the perfect side, but I am letting go of it somewhat, because it would make me crazy to live up to it. Relaxed it nicer. All my extra stuff makes me seem messy. I had way too much in Millbrae. I worked for such a long time on that place. I got rid of my Gr. Aunt and uncle's stuff, but still have quite a bit. It will happen.....

Hero

 You have always been my hero. 

Fire

 Fire alert for Sonoma. Still far away, but they alerted my phone.

AKA

 No covid here. My renter had a test, I have been to the grocery store once I am a milk drinker, sit in the sun and take a supp. and I was double masked. I go basically no where otherwise. Are you taking vit D? Please do! It could mitigate symptoms! (Aka, save your dear life).

Good thought

 I need to keep a "good thought" that things will be okay. I used to hear that all the time from my Christian Scientist grandmother. It is about all I took away from it. I am up against horrible, sneaky a-holes with deep pockets. All I have is my faith, trust, tenacity and love.  (And wanting to keep you safe and free you from this thing along with myself).

Improper

 I was a Federal Reserve Bank currency sorter and also did special investigation for the US Treasury Dept. I notice things that are not right, like forgeries.

Upcoming

 I feel as if I am falling apart somewhat. I am frightened.

Letters to GS

 Re: Tassajara

Yahoo/Sent

• 

  Cheryl Chapin <cherylchapin@yahoo.com>

  To:gssnyder@ucdavis.edu

  Mon, Sep 26, 2016 at 4:29 AM

  I want to find again, the warm poetic person who spoke of Prague and the young people seeking redemption...
  the one who loved the old cemeteries, and the beauty of the dead poets, and the wise one who lives still...
  Do you know where he went? I'd love to talk to him again. If you see him, could you tell him to please call me? His friend misses him dearly. 
  Maybe I will run into him on the Charles Bridge, between the vengeful, angry ghosts, or at the Pere la Chaise cemetery in Paris, while having a chat with Oscar Wilde, as a Chopin nocturne lulls restless spirits back into a relaxed peacefulness. 
  He was so unique and beautiful in his quiet way, and his seeking, and enchanted spirit. I do hope he is okay. I worry so much about him. I hope he isn't gone forever. Not just for me, but more importantly, for himself. 

  Cheryl
  

  
  

  
  

  Dear Professor Snyder,

  That was something I penned for a dear friend I wrote to you about. Cruel people took him away. They lied about me, and mentally tortured me, to be able take him away from me...and it is killing me.

  You are the wise one, he loves and respects so much. He is being held under threat and his life is extremely limited and watched now. It is all because he dared to be my friend, as well as my doctor. Life is so sad now. I can barely stand it,

  I wanted to give him another of your signed books for his birthday; so I brought it to the place where he works. It was intercepted by the cruel psychiatrist who tormented me for a jealous person who wanted me to stop being his patient and friend.They don't understand our poetic beauty, and were threatened by it. I knew I could go to jail for daring to make his special day beautiful with your words. I have seen his torment. It breaks my heart. I do love him; but it was only ever a love of the mind, and the soul. I am afraid for him. He is a free spirit; and being caged puts his life into a subhuman category. I think he would be biting his own foot off by now, if he were an animal in a trap. I know he is that miserable. 

  
  

  I am so very angry, but even with all that disgraceful behavior, and the terrible things done to both of us; pity is the more prevalent emotion in my heart. I wanted to write to you, because I feel that by doing so; I am feeling a blessing in return.

  
  

  Be well, beautiful wise poet.

  
  

  Always,

  Cheryl (aka, Haviva) and Greg     

   

  
  

  (I really wasn't being presumptuous with that, just wanted to have it be a birthday greeting from both)
  
  

  ---

  From: Cheryl Chapin <cherylchapin@yahoo.com>
  To: Gary Snyder <gssnyder@ucdavis.edu>
  Sent: Monday, June 1, 2015 12:35 AM
  Subject: Re: Tassajara
  

  
  

  Thank you for the beautiful response! I am very grateful! (thrilled, actually!)

    

  Be very well

  always,

  Cheryl

  
  

  ---

  From: Gary Snyder <gssnyder@ucdavis.edu>
  To: Cheryl Chapin <cherylchapin@yahoo.com>
  Sent: Sunday, May 31, 2015 10:15 AM
  Subject: Re: Tassajara
  

  
  

  Dear Ms. Chapin

  
  

  GS thanks you for your warm and exciting letters, and wishes you most well in your practice at Tassajara!

  
  

  best,

  Ediza Clinch, Assistant to GS

  
  

  
  

  
  
  

  On May 26, 2015, at 6:39 PM, Cheryl Chapin wrote:

  
  

  Hello, Professor Snyder,

  I am so excited! I am going to Tassajara in a few short days! I will go twice in June. I am looking forward to it, and to learning to be more centered. I have been letting the stresses of the world get to me, and I have recently been diagnosed with MS. I have had a lot of struggles in life, and I keep moving on as best I can. It isn't easy.  I have been expressing myself more in Haiku form, and I have gotten some nice feed back from friends. I am just so grateful for the fact that my doctor led me to a knowledge of you, and the Zen way of life. I am so very new at it, and it will take a lot of work for me to stop being on a treadmill of bad habits and ways.

       I saw online that you recently had a birthday. May I extend to you wishes for a lovely year of beauty and promise. You add a lovely light and spirit to a world that can be so harsh and ugly. Thank you.

    

  Cheryl

  
  

  ---

  From: Cheryl Chapin <cherylchapin@yahoo.com>
  To: "gssnyder@ucdavis.edu" <gssnyder@ucdavis.edu>
  Sent: Monday, April 27, 2015 11:29 PM
  Subject: Your blessing to us
  

  
  

   Dear Professor Snyder,

       I am so moved by your work, and your ethic of caring for our Earth. I wanted to tell you about a wonderful doctor whom I have met, who introduced me to your books and poetry. His name is Dr. Gregory Lukaszewicz. He is a vascular surgeon at Kaiser South San Francisco (and travels to other Kaisers in the area), and from Harvard. He absolutely lights up when he talks about you. He has a caring and kind heart, and he has led me to desire a path of Zen enlightenment. Even the smallest movements he makes seem to have a Zen gracefulness and intention. He has been open and eager to hear about whatever he can about your thoughts and feelings on the subjects you have as an interest. 

        I read about how dedicated you have been to meditation, and I am endeavoring to become able to have it become second nature to me too. The other day, I was thinking about Haiku, and how it is such a part of Zen thinking. I was walking around my small vegetable garden, and distilling what I saw and felt, into the most important essence of Haiku poetry. I hadn't thought about the connection to Zen before. You have opened up to me, a part of lovely poetry that is also a prayer, because of your influence. 

       Dr Lukaszewicz has been such a great influence on my life, as you obviously have been on his. I had a rather rare form of cancer that came after working in a nuclear pharmacy in Dallas, Texas. I was even learning how to make the medicine as part of my job there. Precautions  against toxic levels of radiation there, were not good at all. The type of cancer I got was one that can come about from excessive radiation exposure. Nearly at the same time I was diagnosed with a pPnet tumor, my husband drowned. He drowned when he went sailing alone in the bay by Coyote Point, in San Mateo. It was a terrible time. The intense, experimental year long chemo treatment did a lot of damage to my veins and created many problems, such as lymphedema. Dr. Lukaszewicz has been not only helping my body to return to more of a normal state, but he has become a mentor and a friend. He is patient and kind, even when I feel frustrated and depressed, and he hung in there for me, when others would not.

       I just wanted to have two great people know about each other. It is a beautiful thing when someone like a doctor, who is in a position of helping another person in need, not only cares about their patient's physical needs, but also for their mental well-being and enlightenment of their soul as well. He has encouraged me to read your books, and to go to the San Francisco Zen Center, so I can feel more at peace. It has been quite a difficult time in life, so going will set me on a more positive path in life. Recently, I was thrilled to find a book signed by you to give him as a gift. I know he treasures it, and it is in a place of prominence in his home. I truly wish there were a way for you to meet each other. My doctor sent out the tiny ripple of enlightenment that you provided to him, and I have been fortunate enough to have had it radiate out, and bless me too. Thank you for your work, and for your beautiful stewardship of our precious home.

       I must also mention, that my son is also a devote of yours, and like you, loves to hike and climb mountains. He even helped rescue a woman who had fallen into a crevasse, on Mt. St. Helens. He has also traveled to Japan, and loved it. My godson was a student of art in Japan as well. My son recently gave me a special, beautiful Japanese tea set and special tea for my birthday. It is such a cherished gift.

  
  

  Be well, be blessed and always happy.

  Cheryl

  (Petrovich)

  
  

  1 Millbrae Circle

  Millbrae, CA  94030

  
  

Couldn't take it.

I swear, that attorney and Trump use the same playbook! He just doesn't want to lose his extra paycheck and her adoration! If he messes over the process, my opinion is put to an end to it and just leave, or perhaps even better, prepare a statement to give to the judge tell the judge "it's over and why and that is that." Hopefully, another voice of authority will step in. He is lengthened this for a reason and it is not a good one for either of us, especially you. I hope you sheltered your assets and told everyone, so they will know they have no reason to harm you, because they will not get anything. It would be most likely why they would harm you.. I don't think could take it if they did.

Never

I know MP often wrote emails under your name. She wanted to make me hate you. I may have been hurt and got confused, but never could hate you. Never. 

Lies are his thing.

I am afraid he is going to pull something at the last minute. I hope you don't believe him. 

Don't believe lies

 Don't believe that man if he says not to come, etc. Find out yourself.

Sneaky mouse

I left the door open all day and I think the cricket left for awhile and then came back! I was worried it might not find food and water and die. Once, a mouse came in when I had the door open and I wondered how it would live too, but I saw the little sneak grab a bit of food from my plate and scurry away. 

Some people!

 I am in a difficult position, because people were told things and I was not aware of what Guasco said to everyone, as in why people treated me like some perv.  That creepy Ed showed me pics of things I sent to you but, he is such a foul minded, clueless asshole, who loves to cause trouble. He obviously does not understand Buddhism, because he was making a big deal out of some of the things I sent. Judge Livermore said they were innocent religious items, but Ed the jerk made a big deal of them being smarmy, when they were not. They were BUDDHA, for God's sake! I could easily have smacked his smirky face when he was gloating in the courtroom while he sat next to you, as if he were saying, "I get to sit next to him and you don't!" Not a mature person.

The movie, "Ghost" is playing on Showtime, it is nearly over. I have felt like a ghost myself all this time. It has been as frustrating as wanting to speak with someone who is dead. I write fantasy emails to you. I do feel so connected as before, though, and the strong love as always. 

Emails

I am reading some of the old emails and feel so happy and want to dance! It also made me miss you so much. I loved those times so drastically! It was like the invasion of the enemies messing up our lovely fun, then the cruelty of people telling me you hated me; it was the weirdest thing. They made you sound like someone else. Then that weird MP was saying strange things. I was resentful that they made you sound like them, mean. You are a warm, kind, beautiful, caring person, who I could never even dislike, much less hate. You make life a better, more lovely place. The memories of you do too. I get a bit shaky when I think of you. I never thought I'd ever meet someone who resonated with me so deeply and fully. I hope you are feeling well. 

Happiest times of my life!

 I keep wondering if my friend would be okay with my using some emails for my case. They were sweet and friendly about RW and books. I wish I knew. I think they would be helpful, I hope. I am enjoying them. What a treat for me! I only just found them recently. I'd rather not, because I like them for me, but it would show a friendly relationship. He never hated me. I know that. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I enjoyed talking and writing to him so much! 

And Time Stands Still EMMA JOHNSON & MOZART

Into my heart

Film Out of Africa
Author Kurt Luedtke
Role Karen Blixen
Actor Meryl Streep

He even took the Gramophone on safari. Three rifles, supplies for a month and Mozart. He began our friendship with a gift. And later, not long before Tsavo, he gave me another. An incredible gift. A glimpse of the world through God’s eye. And I thought: ‘Yes, I see. This is the way it was intended.’ I’ve written about all the others, not because I loved them less, but because they were clearer, easier. He was waiting for me there. But I’ve gone ahead of my story. He’d have hated that. Denys loved to hear a story told well. You see, I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills. But it began before that. It really began in Denmark. And there I knew two brothers. One was my lover, and one was my friend.