No one is obligated to live a life they don't want....for ANY reason!

Are you sad? Please don't be. Don't let bad people stop nice things from happening. Anything can be overcome. I am worrying about you.

Are you well? That is what panics me the most.

Next week they are going to reroof the place. The HOA president could not tell me if it was safe to stay in the house while it was being done.  I will wear a mask. They will start at 8 am and go all day for the work week, ugh!

The person who wants me attacked is not someone who understands love. A partner of someone like that would live a loveless life and dry up emotionally. I have lived a loveless life for many years, because after my husband died, no one else interested me enough to make me fall in love. I figured I would die alone; meeting you changed that feeling, or desire. What had died, sprang to life and felt magical. Nothing like it has ever happened before.

I got the wheat grass seeds and will plant them and raise them in a container and cut them back like I was mowing a lawn and juice them with my new hand cranking juicer. Then, I can have fresh shots of wheatgrass each day. I used to get them in Mt. View at a fresh juice shop, when I had cancer.

If the person who instigated this criminal activity against me, ever harms you again, I will never let them rest, until they are legally held liable.

A house in the complex is for sale.

Courage!

I find it rather amusing that the bad people feel they must tarnish the good person, so they can feel better about themselves. It is power over the weaker one, kind of like rape; it isn't sex, it is power over one who can't defend themself. They don't want to be good, they want everyone else to be bad like themselves.
It is hard to imagine someone kind having to live around such a terrible person. I want to show you how love and freedom feel.

My life is up to fate. Whatever happens, happens. I have not had control of much of my life for awhile now. All I can do is hope and pray. It has been difficult to have been falsely branded as someone creepy, just to make someone who really is creepy feel better about themselves. I hope it helps them; maybe they will become a better person because of it. Ha, doubt it. No sign of that. Being a scapegoat sucks, but I know who I really am.

"The Name of Love"~

Dreams that come from within your eyes
Reflect the way you empathize
You showed me compassion with wide open heart
Life free to survive and not fall apart

I've lived without you for too many years
It caused anxious worry, intangible fears
I thought you'd forget me, or hate my mistakes
So many monsters, so many fakes

You kept me warm in captive cell walls
The small acts of kindness, the way that love calls
Times were a struggle, desolation replete
I hid from from the world, but rejected defeat

"I love you forever", is the song of my soul
I've no aspirations, just one beautiful goal
I want to hug you and impart my devotion
I'll try not to faint, or flood with emotion

To lose you again would deal the last blow
My heart could not take it, and down I would go
Your eternal essence put spirit to flame
I know that my love hears only your name.
~Haviva


(c) HVM 2018

If you are safe, I am happy.

I love you. It is just a fact of my life.

Supreme Court is turning on their master....🙃 Yay!

Air, water, food, you=life

All I need in a day is to know you care.

Thinking of you makes me smile.

Living in anticipation

I know that MP knew how much you meant to me and how deeply I felt about you, (and still do) and I believe she thought that because of my losses and hard times, that I had PTSD and that I would kill myself from the sudden loss of you. She tried to help it along. That woman is not a psychiatrist for good, IF SHE IS ONE, that is. She is
one, who pushes people to their death by their own hand. She took my deep love and tried to use it against me to cause me to die by my own hand. She told me I embarrassed you and that you couldn't stand to be around me. It hurt me so much,that I could put you in even a moment of pain, I wanted to die. I woke up sitting by a full tub of water, with every intention of drowning myself, but the phone kept interrupting. I know you did that. You had people call me. You saved my life.
That woman who hired her and got the false legal thing against me, I believe knew that attempted/or actual murder would be involved. I believe she murdered prior too. It was conspiracy. That "powerful woman" hired the Psy to kill us both (myself and another woman), is my strong contention. She is that desperate not to lose your income. It is why I have been so worried about you, no matter how you feel about me and why I think my life is toast, if I go in for surgery.  The closer the end of the RO comes, the more your life is in danger. That woman has the heart of a murderer! Be careful!
I know this isn't seen by anyone, but I want to write it down, edit it, add to and give it to authorities. I am not going to let him die!

Sending love!

Counting Crows - Round Here (Official Video)

Paul McCartney - No More Lonely Nights (1984)

"...there could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved. Now they were as strangers, nay, worse than strangers,....."

~Jane Austen


I love you so very much.

This Never Happened Before - Paul McCartney (The Lake House OST)

I want to watch "The Lake House" again. I feel vulnerable and will probably cry my eyes out! Wish you were here to watch it too!

I kept being blamed for all of this, but I could not stop worrying and it just felt so natural to seek your assistance. It seemed so natural to be around you. I resented the interfering in our personal things by others. I never knew there were such restrictions. That was odd anyway. I just felt people had the right to live their lives as they wanted. Man, was I wrong! It would have been nice to enlighten a person, not just treat someone like a criminal. It isn't natural. I would have done anything for you, still would. I have never felt so close to another human being as I did/do to you. 
It is not easy to lose someone like that, but I only want what is wanted. I have decorum, even if my heart beats like someone on bongos!  

More flowers around the house.  They make me smile. I wish I had it all ready and you could come here.

I wonder if they ever gave my friend the orchid and the book signed by GS. The orchid was called "Zen" from Ah Sam's. When I told the judge why I gave it, that was when he said it was an most likely an invalid R.O. he was right of course. I hate that horrible guard I rarely say that. What a smirky jerk!

Are you feeling well? I am always wondering. Stay safe.

More of the flowers....

If I could only see your sweet face for the rest of my life, I would be very happy.

Thinking about you makes me very happy.

Part of my roses by Nan Wood's artwork.

Why would a radiologist act in a threatening manner toward me, scream at me, call me names send me for a mammogram directly after having removed many pieces of tissue from my breast? They left several parts of the story out to make me seem uncooperative, but nothing they did made sense. Why no pathology report? That was supposed to have been done. There appears to be just some vague agreement with Kaiser.  It just sounds like a snow job by Kaiser was handed to your group and your group handed it to me. Where is there an actual second opinion in that? What was the point? To get an actual second opinion, I will need to get tests redone by people who are not trying to lure me in to kill, or turn me into a vegetable. There is no other reason for them to want me to come in before planned. I was going to come in for surgery in July, but suddenly when they found out I could have my own surgeon observe in July, so they were trying to get me to come in before July.  One doctor also said to me, "some people do nothing." I believe it is because she knows it is not cancer.  I also believe the cruel radiologist injected something into me. I need to understand why she did and said the horrible things to me, before ever trusting them with any further treatment. They all thought I should ignore the insane behavior of the radiologist and just feel comfy proceeding further? NO! I was being attacked for a reason; what was done to me was just WRONG! Not to heed that as a warning of worse to come is completely insane and ignoring the good sense I was given! I am a sentient human being, not a lemming! I resent the confrontational way the letter to me from your group was presented. No questioning, or leeway, just presented me as a fat, uncooperative out of control diabetic with worsening MS. Gee thanks! Nothing I had to say mattered! I see absolutely no point to your group! You just mimicked Kaiser, the worst healthcare group in the country, but all I could afford and needed a healthcare group. They lied and kept my doctor away from me, because he is pretty much the most decent and ethical doctor they have. They know that their doctors can commit murder and nothing will happen to them, because they are loaded to the hilt with legal maneuvers to protect them. They don't care about the truth, they care about cover up. See what they did to Jeff Lusk's son Tyler and to Jeff himself. Look him up online. Look up my Blog: "Kaiser Permanente's Underbelly of Corruption is their Law Firm!" But of course, Kaiser approves of their methods of criminal behavior. They hit poor patients and those too ill to protect themselves with pre-emptive strikes of TROs and restraining orders, if it seems they have a good reason to sue Kaiser. They put the name of a Kaiser employee on the paperwork as Plaintiff, then use an actor in court to cry and act abused. Kaiser is as dirty as they come. Since I know that Kaiser is fine with criminal deeds, I am not going to serve myself up to a doctor who wants me dead, so she can get me out of her life, because she doesn't want me to be a friend of a doctor she is afraid of losing, so she'd prefer killing me. I have already been through her attempts using the psychiatrist she hired to "get rid" of me. My doctor came to my rescue and prevented me from being hurt by her. I told everything that has happened to me to the CEO, and all that happened was....nothing! The first one died suddenly, but he did nothing either. Kaiser is a snake pit. If I do have cancer, I cannot risk Kaiser. I will just fade away. Prior cancer I had, I was able to have my surgery done by Dr. Goodnight at UC Davis and my chemo protocol by Dr. West. Dr. Raji Ayyar became my oncologist at Kaiser and she was compassionate, caring and intelligent and gave reassuring, comforting hugs. She was lovely. I miss her.

It is sad what Kaiser does and allows to be done to their patients. It is murder.

Be well.

Sincerely,

Cheryl P

My friend sent 2 doz roses, because she knew how down I felt. But,
only hearing from you would completely stop my pain.

Please don't mind me. I am weak. I am going to do a lot of meditating on St. Therese de Lisieux and ask for strength and acceptance of your decision.

I am an open book. You knew I was in love with you. You had to have known. It is ingrained in me. All I want to do is give you everything and hold your face and look into your eyes.

I cannot help but say how much I love you. Maybe I am pathetic, I don't know, but at least I am honest and not cruel.

If you can care for someone who is abjectly cruel, like the one who has been attacking me, then you would never like me, because I would adore you and treat you sweetly forever. You hold my heart.

Love is not abusive. I don't think you have been treated nicely, or with love for a very long time. It hurts me. I can't stand the thought of you being taken for granted, or abused. Abusers don't change. They can pretend for awhile, but they go back to that comfortable place. You shouldn't have to be used to users, or abusers. Look what has been done to me and to you? You have been humiliated. That is not right. Find out how it feels to be actually loved. Live the way you want, but be certain it IS the way you want. I am lonely and you seemed lonely too. When I spoke with you, it felt like I never wanted to stop. It was exhilaration! I cannot picture anyone else in my life.

This place is just an outlet, it would not be necessary when communication is allowed.
I would never let anyone denigrate you, or frighten you. You are fair and caring. That is why I would follow whatever you said.

Please don't ever stay in a bad situation. I so want to make your life happy. May I try?

I know I am creating everything all in my head. I have no idea what you think, but I feel so close to you, I hoped it would be nice. I have been nauseated so much, I think it is worry. It has been terrible and now a health scare. Such a cruel parting "gift."

Please see me once more. I can't leave without saying goodbye.

I would still love to give you the things I got for you. It is so near the end, it could have been ended at any time. I would never have done anything more than wanted. I have lost my feeling for life. I just don't enjoy it. This has been awful, but you were lovely. I can't go back to what this has been.

I never had any expectations, just hopes. Nothing has been good except you, but after all this time....I understand. It is how I got through. I would love to have a chance to talk though. That is what it was supposed to have been about.

I will always love you.

I am not going to K for any invasive procedure. If I have cancer, then I will have to deal with it alone. I cannot count on a advocate. I cannot count on anything. I thought I could.

I am just writing down my thoughts. I have no idea if I am correct. All I know is that no one reads it. I am just venting as if I am actually writing to someone.It makes me feel better and I have a written record. I feel so alone.

Aura of Tranquility~
"You stun me with your beauty", she said with full allure
That noble face is sexy yet dangerously pure
Your silver hair I'd softly stroke and hide a loving tear
His deepest eyes of darkness into my soul they peer
(but now my heart stays broken for yet another year)

I'm aching for my freedom then in your aura rest
Your charming smile and gentle way say that you
know me best
Passion has a way
of
providing floods of zest
it slows life down or speeds it up, but deigns
to leave us blessed

I'd give up on my ocean view and starry midnight sky
The days of mute reflection while sonorous waves cry
Than never see your face again or hear your joyful laugh
I'd take a walk down to the sea and have my final bath

~Haviva

(c) 2018 HVM

I will never have anything to do with those people who attacked me at K! I know when people are attacking me! Telling me that I am unfeeling and cold and that that doctor said she was glad I finally cried because at least now she knew I had some feeling! That gave it away! I am sure I know who thinks that way about me! It is scary that a person has that much power over another person!After having been yelled at by everyone involved in this, having had attorneys thrust upon me, judges reaming me out for no reason, am I supposed to now believe that it was all for fun? PLEASE!

When I said to the Ombudsman that in July, I might possibly be able to have someone observe my breast surgery, suddenly the surgeon who was seemingly waiting for July had a bug up her butt to do it BEFORE July! Why? Why indeed! They want me either dead, or a vegetable. I have not had any other imaging done, so why suddenly the necessity to have it done BEFORE July? (I also feel that the radiologist injected something in me.) I am NOT having surgery done, if I am unable to have my choice to observe. If I am going to die, I want it under my terms, not be made into a lab experiment, or for revenge! I DO think they have murdered before! Right after MP got there, someone died. She has behaved very suspiciously about it. She even changed the date of her hire! I don't know the details, but I read it was a stroke. Evil people work there, people with bad, greedy, terrible intentions. Life is not sacred to them; it is expendable for their needs and they feel justified in snuffing it out. (And they will be protected.)

They gaslight with"the greatest of ease"!

One cannot stop their evil, just avoid and expose.

I will always love you, no matter what! Do what is needed.

You cannot possibly know how hard this has been for me.  Oh well.

I don't want to lose you.

Maybe I should just stop putting my thoughts "out there." It has helped get me through really hard times, though.

I felt pretty low recently and needed some support. I don't often do that, but I felt pretty terrible. I have been nervous about if you will want to be my friend. I haven't had to face it for all this time, but now it is getting close. All I have longed for for over 5 years may, or may not happen. I am scared to death. I keep saying I have faith, but other things happen and I end up in the dumps. I have been strong, but I am feeling weak suddenly. All I can think is that "I want to do everything for him and give him everything", but maybe that isn't anything to you. I know it will all be better when I can see you again, since I want what you want.

I will never give you a reason to be angry with me. If you ever are, it is a mistake.

You owe me nothing, but I owe you. You saved my life....as a friend. I would be honored to be your friend.

I miss you so much. It has been extremely hard dealing with it. I have needed to vent my feelings, because it has been so awful, but whatever I do is up to you, so it is all up to you. There are many things I do not know and may never know. All I know is that I have spent 5 years ignored and abused. I don't ever want that again for me and I don't want it for you either. I don't blame you, I hope you don't blame me. I had no idea that people were so abjectly evil. All I want is to take care of you, love you and protect you.
I come from a place of love, they come from a place of destruction, hate and evil. No comparison. At all.

My feelings EXACTLY!

I know you will never let me down. You never have.

You are the only person who understands completely (other than the perps) what happened to me, I think anyway.  I have seen you treated badly and you treated me kindly. You are lovely. I ache to see you.

I want to pick up where we left off, only better....without spies and with everyone safe and you as a friend I love, if it is also your desire. Those times were so weird, but that thought helped me get through as well as your kindness. They tried to beat it out of me, but it didn't work. It helped me understand faith in someone and someone higher. It was all I had to survive. I don't want to remember the hard times, they were awful. I just want to look forward to knowing you again and not dying. That weird cruelty of theirs has me confused and too frightened to go back even if I do need help.
 It really is a very strange place there. I suppose my death would make everyone relaxed and the narcissist could feel happy again.

Love is watching out for you.

The med I am taking messes with hormones, so if I find I do not have a need for it, I will discontinue. I believe it is causing me pain on both sides. I also do not want any other damage to my body. I am sure they do not care what happens to me, but I kinda' do.
Sending hugs and love!

Have a wonderful day!
You are in my head and heart!
You have left a blessing with me. It grows each day. You taught me patience and that if I trust and believe in someone, they won't let you down. 

When I meet you again, the past will melt away and only your smile will come into view.

I have been subjected to such an array of humiliations and degradations, plus having their bribed judges say such ugly things to me, (I didn't even think the woman judge was speaking to me) I passed out.

How sad it is that a person in an elevated position as is the woman who started this against me, that her narcissism needs to have herself built up by having other people torn down, by having people say and do cruel things to me. I feel sorry for anyone who has had to spend ANY time around such a weak, mentally ill person, who must run others down to find any self-esteem. That is not only a mentally ill person, but dangerous. I am glad I warned the police (and others) about that person! Why does she think she has the right to tell others to hurt people for her? That social climber needs to get a news flash: SHE IS A COMMON CRIMINAL! If they knew about her insane, illegal activities, she would be shunned!

I get a bit sad once in awhile, who wouldn't, but damn, I handle my own problems and I appreciate those who help me; I tell them so and show them my gratitude. Those who deserve my love get it in a proper way and if it is decided that a relationship could be established, then that is very nice. If it is reciprocated, that is lovely. Normal people don't make weird plans, or force people, or try and hurt them. Life and freedom are precious. Freedom to be happy is a blessing and a right, I think anyway. I will always do anything necessary to help someone I care about find happiness, even if I am not included. The one I love, I will fight with everything in me to keep him safe and then find out what makes him happy. I want him to find peace and joy, basically. It is what I have always wanted.  When I knew I loved him, my protective feelings went into gear.

Keeping a person a prisoner for whatever reason, is not love.  It is selfish.

He will always have my support and protection....and love. Never doubt it. It says it in my lie detection report and it will say it again, should I be asked to do it (again).
I was brutally attacked for showing gratitude to a marvelous person who took lovely care of me.

I am still alive. I am still in love. 

I know I repeat it, but good things bear repeating, until they are safe and happy.

I will always be on your side of things, so no reason to not see me again.

I am just nervous, that's all. It's been really, really difficult and I am rather like a feral animal, easily frightened now.

I knew lovely when I knew you.

What can I do but wait? Same as always.

All I can do is be ready on the 12 and pray.

The shorter the time, the harder it is to wait.

I guess I am in so much anticipation. I am trying so hard to relax, but it is so difficult!

I just want to see you, enjoy you and support you. I want to show you each and every day how much I respect you, love you and want to stand up for you when you are wronged and praise you all the time, because you deserve it! I want to do fun things for you and give you things I want, when I want. It is my thing and it makes me happy. I love to see you happy! It is my Heaven!

I can hardly wait to see you. If you said to me (as in "Out of Africa") "....you've changed your hair...." I would die laughing.

I called a storage place that has a couple of spaces available, so if I cannot find something closer, I will go there. I need to find a truck and hopefully my renter will help with the muscle work. I have put off clearing out the house long enough. If I need to get a loan for taxes, I need to have it cleared out.  I had so many storage places in Millbrae. But, not much space here. I have worked for so long, such a huge amount of time and dumpsters, charity runs, I was just worn out. I was pretty much mentally worn out too. I had to have time each night to howl out in sadness and pain. (No, it just happened w/o notice, but what a rough time.) It still sneaks up on me.  No one expected me to survive to see you again. I kind of have that mentality hanging over me, so a blanket of dread lingers to pounce on me when I least expect it.

The vaccine company AstraZenica, supplying Europe with 400 million vials of vaccine has stock selling at $54 bucks a share, might be a great investment!

https://www.smdailyjournal.com/lifestyle/medical-association-s-th-annual-meeting/article_5b29a94a-64c9-5d6d-b104-56d80208470c.html

Vaccine update! Investment possibility!
//www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-vaccines-idUSKBN23K0HW

I know, sometimes (much of the time) I just write to write, nothing Earth shattering.
Stock hint: Astra Zenica. They just sent 400 millions of vials of vaccine to Europe. Their stock was only $54  might be a good investment...

I think I will make a baked potato and maybe some spinach. I need to make a nutrition shake too.  I wish I knew what you enjoy to eat.

My armpit aches. I worry.

I just wish I could have some kind of imaging done by people I trust, so I could deal with the breast issue. I don't want to end up dead just as I could see you again. I cannot trust them with surgery, unobserved. That Dr. Moon spoke to me as if she wanted to kill me right then and there. It frightened the crap out of me. It reminded me of all the people in this thing who have just vented their hate on me. They certainly are loyal to the person who started this. Does she want a prisoner? I don't understand that whole thing. What good is it to keep someone under your control (prisoner) ? If love were involved, there would be no problem in the first point, since love wants what the other person wants. It must only be financial, right? Well, I am not involved in that, so why attack me? I admire and love, I have no rights, or control over anything else.  If she has love, it is a pretty screwed up way of showing it. A person who does things that were done to us both, is not a nice person. They are criminals.....and seriously mentally ill. And a place of employment who turns a blind eye to it, is corrupt and against the law! That should be a major lawsuit! The problem with that is that it could waste years of precious life that could be spent being loved and cared over. I would just love to show you how nice it feels to have someone genuinely love you and put you first.....and feel carefree and laugh. 

Missing you has been like an itch under a cast.  It drives me crazy, but I can't do anything about it! Talking to your picture, praying....writing, like now. This has been inhumane. The worst thing was having awful people tell me how much you dislike me.  They knew how to torment me.  They knew my feelings were real due to the lie detection. I handed them my own method of torture. I did not know how to pretend I did not love you. Besides, if I did that, what would you think?Give me more lie detection, it will come out the same. I can't fake feelings like that. It just isn't possible for me. I have a hard time not showing my feelings too. I mean, come on! Your amazing dark eyes just drew me in and when I was there, I did not want to leave. It was like a caress. I need a caress/hug so badly right now. I was around so many people who were interested in me for many years while I was in the tech industry, but I just did not feel anything back. Finally when I did, you, I stupidly confessed it to a (criminal) psychiatrist (?) which put me on the path to terror. I thought letting her know I was sincere with my feelings was a good thing, but I did not know it was the worst. That gang doesn't understand love, unless it is about money. I think they would have approved of that; like vultures feasting together.

I have never been so lonely for anyone else like this before. The world is upside down.

I have never heard of anyone going through this bizarre stuff before. That is a very strange place. They allow the most outrageous things to go on and buy off those in authority.

I wish you could kick them all to the curb. I have no agenda except to be on your side and a lifeline. What you want is what I want. Those desperate people creep me out. If they don't want what you want, what DO THEY WANT? LOBOTOMY? I would believe about anything now. Until I see you and talk to you openly, I am going to worry.
I want to know what you want from you. No one else.

Each day I think, "I just love him and miss him."

Have a lovely day!

I would love to go on a nice walk with you!

It will be great to know things again. Being in the dark was the most difficult way to live a life. Having people I never would have expected to treat me badly was so strange. I actually began ignoring it when people said odd things to me. A doctor in the ER screamed at me, and asked (yelled at) me if I were there for drugs and I just said, "no, but I would like another doctor." She went away and came back and said it was fine and that she would help me. (That drug bit was funny, since I avoid drugs; I had none after the surgery I'd had.) Another time, a doctor came up to me in a hallway and said he was so honored to meet me. It was nice, but strange that the doctor knew me and said such a thing; I had never met him. So, I have been through a lot of oddball stuff and was never enlightened. I started thinking that maybe it was all a test to be able to see if I could live with bizarre circumstances for some reason, like someone was trying to convince me that someone was crazy and it was like they were seeing if I could handle it. For one thing I don't listen to that from anyone but the person themselves and for another, love does not bail on  difficulties. We are all different and I embrace it.  It is interesting and exciting!  I already was in love, nothing was ever going to change that. I even had the lie detection done and it was dead on! I was happy I'd had it done, but it made others put the screws on me a lot harder.
This entire thing ended up being love/good triumphing over evil. It was a miserable ordeal, but I felt good about it. I just worried for you. I am very honest about how I feel, but can only speak for myself. I merely ask for a chance to know you and for you to know me again, if you desire.  What I know, I dearly love.

I don't trust ANYONE else intervening in the situation; there is no reason for it, except to cause a problem. I only care about what YOU alone, think, or say.  It is time for the nonsense to end and the bad people to stop. They had their chance to be nice and reasonable, but they did not want that. They obviously will never change. I ache to know you again and more. What do they want? Further subjugation? No! No longer!

I used to tell myself all kinds of things to make myself feel better during the wait; like if someone drove by and honked, it was you. Writing my poems to you (good, or bad) made me feel closer and more focused, remembering all your kindnesses. They tried to make me doubt you, but I knew you had always been there for me.
You were there for me when I needed it the most. I think I might have died, but you saved me. You mean everything to me.
I would do anything for you.

Nothing could sadden me when I see you again being happy and healthy.

Listening to Lang Lang playing Rachmaninoff  (same music as "The 7 year Itch.") It is in France outside by The Arch de Triumph." Nice hairstyle for Lang Lang.
It completely kills me that Lang Lang's father had told him he would never amount to anything and should end his life. No one has the right to be so brutal. He seems to be such a delightful young man.

All I can do is hope for the best. I do trust you, but then I think, "why would he want to see me?" I am my own worst enemy, I guess, but those other people were pretty damn awful.

I hope to walk on the trail with you. That would be so lovely. I always took you with me, but this would be so great! You helped me hop back 3 miles in the dark, when my knee gave out. I would not have had the strength to go on, but I kept talking to you. It was scary, but I felt you with me.

I got myself so sad, I made people worry. I feel bad. I try and keep my pain to myself, but this time I couldn't. I have so many emotions. I guess that was a selfish, indulging moment.

I guess I should not expect anything. I would probably never hear anyway. I will just sell everything, buy an RV and disappear forever. It is making me too nervous wondering if you want to see me, or not, or if I will just die of cancer. I have put up with so much, I just can't take the last amount of time left calmly. It is killing me.  I am just so damn sad. All I have heard for the last few years is what an awful person I am and I am tired of it. It has been tearing me apart, but my worry was focused on you. I cannot imagine a world without you in it. It would not be as lovely a place. It doesn't need me, it needs you. You are love.

If I hadn't moved so far away, I might have been tempted to go somewhere hoping to catch a peek at you. I wish I hadn't had to sell my house, but I got myself in an untenable situation. It has been made into an eyesore. It used to be the lovely house at the crest of the hill, but now, ugh! I put a lot of fruit trees in the back yard. I saw it advertised as such. I put so much new building/renovation into it, but it was just torn down. It has been such a gut wrenching few years. I would give up anything just to know you again. That was worse than anything. Seeing if you wrote to me was the only reason I got up in the morning. Even one word from you, made my day outstanding. I keep writing to keep from despair. Sometimes I can't even think about things, so I don't sink down in and feel unable to climb back out. You saved me many times. You are someone a person could not just get over. You are a solid part of me. I don't want to be boring, so I will not go on about how much I love you. I will save it for another time....perhaps dessert. 🌹

I could be happy just seeing you every so often, if it had to be that way, but it would not be accepted. Will the wait period be over with the R.O.? Or was that just a fake thing? I kept having it screamed in my face that there was no wait period. That man was so disgusting. He said, "he hates you, he wants no relationship with you!" I never made any comments about it at all! I don't discuss my feelings with others, especially him! They can do all sorts of illegal and wrong and I say nothing and get berated anyway! They made everything up! I am not like them! I love, they hate! I am not causing any problems. I just want you safe and happy.

I don't know entirely where I stand, because I think very highly of you and not so highly of myself. I do see that I can recognize your vulnerabilities and it makes my protective instincts come out. I detested seeing you being used and abused and pulled to pieces by people who were obviously forcing you to behave against your nature. I did not like at all that you were treated in such a demeaning manner. Your feelings were so ignored, but I knew what was real, so I was angry that their disgusting, criminal mouths were speaking for you. What was said to me and the accusations couldn't help but hurt my feelings, but in my rational mind, I knew the truth. I knew that if you had a problem with me, you would have said something to me and would not have been there for me so close to the end. I know the end was caused by your kindness to me and my thanking you. I had no idea people did spy techniques, or did such terrible cruel things. I thought people would deal with things in straightforward means. How wrong I was!

I began feeling that I wasn't the victim, but the scapegoat/distraction. You are the victim/target. You need freedom and loving support. I have seen the power and the pressure on/against you. That terrifies me.

You always kept me safe and that is how I feel about you. I feel motivated to say these things to get it out and put it behind. You need to feel able to say how you feel and live how you want. I am in your corner. You are in my heart.

I do worry about this health scare of mine, but I cannot feel safe going to that place where people want me dead. You need to use extreme caution too. Please.
Love.

Even the smallest things you did gave me strength. I knew each and every thing you did. You showed me more love in each look, smile and more. I was able to look back and took strength from them all. You are my knight, my hero. It was breathtaking.
You deserve to be loved, very much .....and you ARE!

This has been my mourning period. Queen Victoria was in mourning for 40 years, so 5 years years isn't record breaking, but she was younger when she started. It has been so difficult. I have never had such a heart wrenching period of time, plus being treated like dirt. People never minded saying insults to me. That is the same thing that happened by Dr. Moon; she just went off like a rocket with a tirade of insults, just like that judge when everyone left the room. She ripped into me, like a gator rips into a chicken by a tour guide. It made me pass out.  I have never done anything to deserve such terrible diatribes and treated like the world's lowest filth. I became somewhat used to it. I guess it was supposed to make me feel unworthy of you and maybe enticed me to kill myself. 

All I knew was that it made me worry about you more and made me fight harder to make certain you were kept safe. I was so worried, I would wake up frightened and in a sweat. My love never waned, nor did my desire to keep you safe.  I made a prayer of a promise to always do so.

Be blessed my most wonderful, caring friend. I adore you and always will. Have a beautiful coming year!   

I haven't celebrated much of anything for many years, so someday, soon, I would love to celebrate something with you. I know seeing you again would be the best reason ever!
Sending you my love!