A deputy at the court said something odd to me in the elevator. He said, "I know your case. You live in the mountains, right?" I said, "by the ocean." He said, "oh yes. Have a nice day." it was a little unnerving. 

People are not property.

Please save me.

That awful man's words are eating me up. He said he could make this go one forever. He is a terrible person.

I have never done anything to deserve all this cruel treatment. I am sure you know who is actually behind this. Tell them it is not humane. I would never be like this to anyone, but someone who does this to an innocent person, is not mentally well. They need to stop. If I die, that person with be a murderer.

Sometimes, I get a terrible pain in my heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach and I think, "I will never see him again."

I could not bear it. You have kept me alive, nothing else..

"Keep me safe." ~Queen Victoria

"Victoria and Abdul"

I want to keep you safe and care for you as you have done for me.

"I'm so lonely, everyone I know has died, and I just go on and on..."~Queen Victoria


~"Victoria and Abdul"

Please don't give up on me. I could not bear it.

Kaiser's false legal attack on me: I have not been given one moment of kindness, or consideration during this entire thing (by those putting this on). I have had to keep myself going and staying strong, while negative and hopeless things were being yelled at me as if I were an enemy POW as seen in a brutal and frightening movie. They knew my health could have been compromised by my treatment.

Kaiser "psychiatrist" made a plan to get rid of me. She did it along with Kaiser hired attorney, Mike Guasco, or law firm: Buty & Curliano of Oakland, CA.They made up terrible lies and paid judges. I did nothing wrong. Period. Someone did not like that I gave "thank you" gifts to my doctor for all his time and energy with my difficult health matters. They hired Marija M. Petrovic to get rid of me. No one seemed to care how she got it done. She was relentless and brutal. I was strong on my own, but it has hurt me. I cannot shake it off. Sometimes, I think I won't survive it. It seems like little time bombs go off every so often and they hurt me and I have to be very strong. 

The Kaiser people who attacked me, did it from every angle using every trick in the psychological book. No one was as they seemed, or should have been. I was terrorized and confused and frightened. No Kaiser officials cared what happened to me. My complaints were frequent and serious. Kaiser officials (including CEO) showed not one flicker of concern, or word of comfort or remorse.

It goes on still, with only myself to pick up the pieces and keep going....as long as I am able. I was threatened by Mr. Guasco to have it "go on forever." I think he is a monster, Marija M. Petrovic is no different. They are both a disgrace to their professions.  They broke the law so many times, they would go to prison for many, many years.

My doctor had no part in this, except his complete kindness to me. I am so very sorry he has had to suffer so much. It is wrong, but Kaiser does not care.

My renter borrows my car for work a lot, so if I need to use it for non-emergency use, I need to wait until it is free to use.

You may trust me that you can take off the "thing" and I will never try and see you. I love you so much, I will do whatever you say.

I think that I have shown my loyalty and my true love; there should be no doubt.
You may have all I have and know my life is yours.

I will follow your lead. I was never told anything, but I was tormented and knew it was all illegal. All I could do was try and figure it all out. I have been doing all I can to protect and to stop it from going on.

How are you? I hope  you are very well.

Please tell the HOA that you are a co-owner. They would never bother you.

I wish I could have a sign from you.

Yes, I make mistakes because worry and unfairness get to me. I try and persuade people in power to help me to be freed. I don't know what you know, or not.

I think we would have such a great time

I so want to see you again soon. I must hold that belief.

Each day I fight my anger, worries and anxiety. The only thing that has gotten me by is you; the hope of seeing you again. Please give me a chance.

I was able to get by this far, but I am surprised. I don't know what to do now. It is so difficult.

I have a million and one things I should be doing, plus my house is in awful shape....so what am I doing? NOTHING! I guess I am just what? Semi-frozen? I know it is on a hairy edge of depression.

I don't know how to work my new phone very well and am sad that all my phone contact numbers were wiped out.

You are the one I love and no one can change that. They can torture me all they want and make my life difficult; it won't change my devotion.

Whatever they think about psychological predictability, I will never lose my feelings for you.

This waiting seems absurd. I am tired of draconian rules, they are made by people who only have THEIR own best interests at heart! It always comes down to money, they are afraid of lawsuits, not human emotion, or how it affects people. They expect people to give up after a certain amount of time; it is like insurance algorithms. To the rule makers, we are nothing more than stats and chess pieces!
Also, in this situation, the people using predictability are not allowing to let human nature run its course, they are throwing their own spin in to make the outcome skewed in their own favor. They must think it is pretty funny to seem like they allow free will, but they aren't. They hold all the cards. We will never win if they are allowed to do as they please.

I think that people who are in higher positions at that place are restricted for the company's OWN (paranoid) protection. They are worried about how things affect THEM, not you! YOU are a piece of the machinery, Mr. Luddite!

Future Tense~

You are my walk on the beach

The dance of my soul

The spiritual call of a 

vast Universe….

Answers to questions 

that had

forever plagued 

my mind

When I met 

you 

love was too

small a word for 

my emotions

Days rushed by so fast

Until you were gone….

Then time became 

as languid

and lingering 

as 

molasses on 

a hard frozen 

day

Thoughts of distant 

travel 

would 

begin with

you 

and end with

you

No views of the Seine 

or the Louvre

could compete with the 

intensity 

of your locked 

in 

compassion eyes….

Melding 

with romantic

dreams of 

my heart….

and that slow cocky 

smile

nearing the 

slender edge 

of 

mockery

lying 

Askew

on your proudly 

sensuous 

lips

That burn a 

hole 

through 

my trembling

      present 

and non-stop

into my

hopeful 

but tenuous….

     Future

~Haviva

© HVM 2019

I wish I knew if you see anything, or if you remember me, or if you even care.

 https://images.app.goo.gl/mMpuCXFPnSv1H2Yo9

Queen Victoria's engagement ring.
I want to find a copy.

Maybe someday, I will be able to tell you the truth about everything. I doubt if they will, because truth is a foreign concept to them.
But, if I were able to see you again, I would only focus on you. I wouldn't want to waste one minute of precious time on people who are beyond disgusting.

I trust you. I have been hurt to near death, but my trust was always with you. It kept me going, it keeps me going still. They wanted us to hate each other. They insinuated themselves into an innocuous situation and purposely made it ugly. There was no wrong done by either of us. You especially kept decorum, I enjoyed writing emails to you so much. I am sorry it caused problems. I was so in love, I was weak.
But, I will always stay strong for you.

There is a bench that sits by the ocean. I could see you sitting there with me and just listening to you and your beautiful heart. I saw your honesty when you looked at me and said my name. My heart reached out to you so hard that I thought it would pull out of my chest. I ran after you to catch one last look at your sensitive, lovely face. I was dragged away with threats, by a cruel officer.
What kind of strange thing was this? I think we both should say no to it going on further, but I can only speak for myself. I don't know your requirements.

All I know is that life should not be like this.

I feel free to say how I feel, because I feel I have gone through so much and truth about how I feel is so nice. I have not felt this way ever before.

I want harmony. I want love. I want togetherness, honesty and tenderness. No heavy weirdness ever again. I would love to spend time with you and see if you still like me. Things have not really ever been allowed to be normal. I see past it all and love you. I always did. 
I don't care if I ever know anyone else, besides you again.

Of course, I can only speak my feelings, I am not making any assumptions.

There is so much self-centered meanness in the world. I don't want it. When I was involved in a tech start-up, it was fun, but eventually people revealed themselves to be fake and uncaring about their cruelty. I am not better than other people, but I don't like that kind of life.
I am terrified about what is going on with this country and the environment. I don't want to run away from it, but while I do my part to fight against the bad going on, I also want to have a peaceful, caring, loving life.

I am tired of ugliness.
I want to forget those horrible people ever existed.

There was never anything wrong with the emails I used to write. They were just full of kindness and support.

I have been repeating myself for years. Where has it gotten me?
Not sure.

This one of my old emails, I think this was the fake email address.
I see nothing terrible in any of them.

Peace be with you 4 messages

---

Jan Kerouac <4jan.kerouac@gmail.com>	Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 9:55 PM
To: gregory.lukaszewicz@kp.org
Self-reflection, and a deep purging of my soul is changing my spirit for the better. I am learning important truths, and an acceptance of things I cannot change. It has been painful, but I am grateful . Thank you for the journey. I know you have done this, consciously, or not, to help me shed an unhealthy part of myself, so I could emerge a better, more complete, and healthy person. I know it has been difficult for you, but your innate compassion and wisdom, fueled the flame that kept you strong. I need to believe that. I believe a true healer is one who can allow someone to find their own truth, beauty and awakening. I am rising above the turmoil, and finding peace at the end of the dramatic, and difficult road I traveled. Harmony   Joy replaced sorrow. Happiness replaced fear. Trust replaced suspicion. Truth was always there, but not always visible. I am learning.   You are a wonderful, patient teacher, and blessing. Once again, you have shaped the potential of my life into a better place for me to experience all the beauty available Just as the small lizard was healed on the trail; I am healed by your strong and caring spirit. Healing comes in many forms, but they are all wondrous miracles to behold. OM

P-51 Cadillac of the skies!

"P-51 Cadillac of the skies!" ~"Empire of the Sun." Amazing movie.

I want to forget about the bad times, except to make certain they do not hurt others. I want to be happy, funny and just enjoy life. I was frozen and now want to come out of it like spring has finally had a waking influence upon me, rather than just wishing time to go by quickly.

I see the beauty is nature today and the calm waves that languidly approach the beach. It is then that I especially wish you were here to take it in and enjoy it all. Delightful!

I feel that I have had so many bad things happen and so much loss of things and special people to me, that the loss of "stuff" may hurt a bit, but losing a dear one to me is horrifying. I think about the poor people detained at the border and it is the most excruciating pain. I think of the children who must become adults much too early. They must numb themselves to the pain, or just fall apart. How cruel human beings can be! The cruel ones have no caring, no compassion.
I have become numb to some things, but my heart is still very welcoming, caring and loving toward you. You left a legacy of caring with me that was so strong, it has made a bond with me. I am just so warmly caring about you, it feels nice. What they tried to beat out of me, actually grew more permanent and unwavering. I could not be happier.

"They" were trying to obscure the main focus of the time restraint by using cruelty and all the rest to dissuade me, but they are not people who understand trust and belief and love, so they figured that by making life hell, I would bail early. I know I did some things wrong, but I figured that they were trying to harm me and using the friend idea as a means to scare me off with jail and the yelling and threats, etc. They did not know that my worry was for you and it kept me going, because it scared me so much. (I still worry). I make a fuss to make sure everyone knows that if you are harmed, who would be the prime suspects. I have made certain everyone has you in their radar. Good, or bad, I have no idea, but it was all I knew to do. I used the means I had available. I reiterate it all the time. My focus is to keep you safe. Until I see you again, and you are safe, I still feel on alert. Then, you can decide if you still want to be my friend, but I will always be there to help, should you desire, plus I will always have my home for you to share too. 

I feel a more comfortable kind of love and caring. I feel like I have become less frantic that way. I just want to be anyone you want me to be, but your smile has always melted me. It angered me to think of you being pushed around. It looked like that was the case.

I watched most of, "A Star is Born" but seeing what was coming at the end, switched it off. I did not want to feel depressed before going to sleep.

I got my new phone, but may need help setting it up.

I hope you have a nice lunch time.

You are in my thoughts.

The thing is that I know you and what was done to me through you, was not you. I would always be understanding anyway, even if there were tough times. Everyone has their "moments", but when you care about someone, you see through understanding eyes. You have done that for me many times too. I so appreciated it.

You are the one I will always love and hold in my memory, but what I really want is to take care of you. All this time I felt like I was slowly bleeding to death....
and no one cared. You were my only thought the entire time.

I knew what was real and was not, but the brutality was completely unkind and over-the-top. It was evil and intense. They are evil and intense. I am stronger and I have have integrity; I could never hurt another human being. Even those who hurt me, but I do warn others about them. No one should go through the torment I experienced. It tore through me like a relentless saw blade on full power. Fighting emotional pain and the physical pain and the confusion and the anger and such sadness that went on and on each and every slow dragging day for over 3 years has been excruciating. There were many times that I felt dying would be my only relief.

It has been a testament to my fortitude and faith in the one I so love and praying each night as I looked at the moon creating magical moments on the ocean waves.

It has been so horribly difficult.

It cannot ever happen to anyone else. I am deadly serious about that.

Zen Teachings & Beliefs

1. All sentient beings have Buddha-nature.
2. Knowledge can be acquired from all aspects of life.
3. Such knowledge helps to achieve enlightenment.
4. The six paramitas (perfections) are the six principles of enlightened living. They are:
   • Dana paramita: unattached generosity, boundless openness. Open heart, mind and hand.
   • Sila paramita: virtue, morality.
   • Shanti paramita: patience, tolerance, acceptance, endurance.
   • Virya paramita: energy, diligence, courage, enthusiasm, effort.
   • Dhyana paramita: meditation, absorption, concentration, contemplation.
   • Prajna: transcendental wisdom.
5. Meditation and mindfulness help in achieving new insights which leads to enlightenment.
6. The experiencing of mu (or 'wu', the lack pf presence, emptiness) leads to satori (spiritual awakening)

"Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water."

Zen proverb

I love you.

Sleep well, sweet one. You warm my heart. I sent my prayers to you this evening. Be very well.

My renter just got his eyes photographed and now I will too.

I only want you to take care of me.

I am trusting that you would let me know if you want nothing to do with me just as that horrible man yelled at me.

I love and adore you, now and always.

I wish I could even just see you smile at me.

May I dare to say that I would hold you in my arms and soothe every worry and every fear, with my love? Because I would and I would hold you and love you each day of my life, if allowed.

Please don't forget me.

Watching "The King's Speech"again. Excellent movie.

I am not going to enjoy life, until I see you again.

I will get my eyes photographed.

It would just be nice to be told the truth and not be left in the dark.

Please remember that I trust you. I am in your hands. I never deleted the powers of attorney, so if you never got the papers, I will agree that you do have power of attorney over me. I will print new ones and leave them here, if I should need your involvement. If you never got your mail, then that was invasive and illegal. I am pretty confident that Mr. Ed took your mail on a regular basis.

Tired, need more sleep. Have a sweet day! Sending love!

I am so tired of BS'ers, aren't you?

The way we have been treated, has not been kind, or civilized. It will only tighten their grip, if it keeps being allowed. Life is short, they are stealing freedom and they will do it as long as they can. They should not be allowed to own people, or push them around, for any reason. It beats people down and that is what they want. It is like our government right now. It is becoming Nazi Germany, but people ignore it and hope it will go away, but it won't, it will just get worse.
It feels like the Zombies have taken over.

What is life if you cannot be close to someone you love? Nothing. I finally found the one who opened my heart, then......gone. Seeing you again, would be like witnessing a miracle. I have missed you so terribly, I couldn't even allow myself to dream about you much.

Why were so many people so intensely involved? I had no motive to take anything from you, or them. I just loved seeing you smile and being happy. Love took me over; I was unaware of anything else. I always waited to see you, or hear from you; I never came there to see you without a reason, but when allowed. Life had a purpose.

They tried to make me into a monster. In doing that, they revealed the monster in themselves, not me.

I have been frightened, so sad and so confused and lower than dirt. You got me through.

Watching "Arthur" with Dudley Moore. It is one of my favs. The theme song lifts my spirits. I love it when Arthur takes care of Hobson.

I feel like I am fading away....

The song "Sailing" makes me cry. (Christopher Cross wrote it too)

Everything makes me cry now. I would give anything to see you.

You know how much I would enjoy just sitting and talking to you all night? Please, may I?

I now know what people mean when they say they are hungry for someone. .....

I keep thinking how lovely it would be to have you here. It will be awhile to get it really in shape, but it is basically good.....

You make anything beautiful.

It disgusts me that all the power lies with money instead of integrity. That is the very way I have been beaten up and you have been kept held a prisoner. I prefer people over money. Money doesn't love you; it buys people who love what you have, then you are back to square one, unloved and lonely.
Such a waste.

I know that attorney was paid to upset me and try and make me dislike you. Why? Well, that obviously because you are a valuable commodity to someone, not a source of love and affection. Good people do not pay others to do what was done to me. It is so illegal, it is insane! It is obvious who did it, or had it done. The desperation is obvious. The more the desperation, the more the screaming at me. All I want to make absolute certain is that you are safe, it is my main concern. I truly do not think you would go along with keeping me away, if it weren't important to you. I just wish you could reason with someone and have it ended early. Believe me, if you do not want to see me again, all you would have to do is tell me. Then, I would wish you the best, and give you my promise to always be there for you.
But, I will love you forever.

You know that "someone" paid "someone" to keep me restrained, right? They will do it as long as the money is paid. It isn't legal and it doesn't need to be followed. I will trust you, but try to get it removed....please?

What are you doing tonight? Come to me.

Would you negotiate with them? I want to see you before I expire! It wasn't your thing anyway. But no matter what, brutality and abject cruelty should shoot down any agreement!
I want to see you again, if you desire and pick back up knowing you again. How can that be bad?

I saw a fox below the balcony. I wish I could have take a picture, but my phone was not delivered as promised. Fed Ex failed!

I'd kill for a good deli. An authentic, honest to God deli, like Nate N' Al's.

My 1991 Mustang. My son totaled it.....obviously, I thank God he is alive.

They have the new Jerry Seinfeld show out, "Comedians in Cars with Coffee" first one is with Eddie Murphy. They are fun shows.
(First time I ever saw Jerry Seinfeld's food in his mouth....a bit off putting."    I still love him, though....:-)

I am fascinated by Queen Victoria. She seemed lovely and kind.

'I am so very fond of him. He is so good and gentle and understanding… and is a real comfort to me.” These were the words of Queen Victoria. (They would be my words about you too.) 

I want to take care of you just as you have taken care of me. I want to also because I love you so much. You made me feel as if I mattered. I want to keep you safe, happy, healthy and so very loved.

I wish you could come and see me.

No matter what, this is your home, co-owned.

If I get to see you again, I really just want to enjoy being with you for whatever time is allowed.  All I care about is seeing you again.

I never want to be conventional....it is boring and stagnant.

I always stay home, unless it is important. Even then, it doesn't always work out....

I had never heard of going through Hell to reach Heaven before, until you.
All I think about is putting my head against your chest and finally feeling safe.
I am so scared it will never happen.

Seems like everyone has forgotten I even exist.     Funny, so have I.

I was going to do something today, but did not sleep enough to go. too bad.

If I could see you again, life would be so wonderful!

I wish I could have you to take care of me....I wish I could see you.

Please consider taking ALA, CoQ10, each day along with an aspirin (baby, I guess, or two, I am sure you do already).  There is more, but those are a good start. I hope you will. I want you healthy for a very, very long time.

I always loved the way you took care of me. You are so beautiful.

Diane Keaton: "You'd be so nice nice to come to"

Leonard Cohen Live: Suzanne (Rare Footage)

I did not know that my new computer has a phone built in, plus "Hey Google!" Pretty nice....especially for the deal I got. :-)

My heart hurts from missing you.

Watching, "Love Actually" ......yes, AGAIN!  I love the beginning, especially.

Sending YOU love!

You can buy Cat's Claw inner bark on ETSY.

I am going to look for this, but maybe a less expensive version. I already have "Cat's Claw" so,.....I can also get the bark and make a tea.About the product

• SUPPORTS NATURAL DNA REPAIR: Enhances your body’s natural ability to repair DNA in stem cells and body cells, limit inflammation, induce apoptosis to clear out damaged cells, and enhance immune function – four powerful anti-aging functions critical to health as we age.
• FULL DOSAGE 350 MG: This ac11 supplement includes the effective dosage of 350mg of pure ac11 bioactive extract of Peruvian rainforest Uncaria tomentosa for therapeutic effect so you can achieve the proven cellular benefits.
• SUPERIOR TO CATS CLAW: This extract come from the inner bark only, and is put through a hot water extraction process to yield the active ingredient - Carboxy Alkyl Esters. Alkaloids are filtered out of the product for the purest extract available.
• CLINICALLY PROVEN EFFECTIVE & SAFE: It is supported by 17+ years of research, 40+ scientific peer-reviewed studies, and 10 U.S. patents. While other companies claim to offer the benefits of cats claw, this particular extract of UncarIa tomentosa known as ac11 is the official active extract responsible for a majority of the plants benefits.
• AMAZONIAN HISTORY: Amazon tribes have used a version of ac11 by making a tea out of Uncaria tomentosa vines for thousands of years and their longevity is what lead researchers to examine the plant, eventually realize the benefits, and create a finer and more potent extract which we have available today in this product.
  About the product
  • SUPPORTS NATURAL DNA REPAIR: Enhances your body’s natural ability to repair DNA in stem cells and body cells, limit inflammation, induce apoptosis to clear out damaged cells, and enhance immune function – four powerful anti-aging functions critical to health as we age.
  • FULL DOSAGE 350 MG: This ac11 supplement includes the effective dosage of 350mg of pure ac11 bioactive extract of Peruvian rainforest Uncaria tomentosa for therapeutic effect so you can achieve the proven cellular benefits.
  • 
    
  • SUPERIOR TO CATS CLAW: This extract come from the inner bark only, and is put through a hot water extraction process to yield the active ingredient - Carboxy Alkyl Esters. Alkaloids are filtered out of the product for the purest extract available.
  • CLINICALLY PROVEN EFFECTIVE & SAFE: It is supported by 17+ years of research, 40+ scientific peer-reviewed studies, and 10 U.S. patents. While other companies claim to offer the benefits of cats claw, this particular extract of UncarIa tomentosa known as ac11 is the official active extract responsible for a majority of the plants benefits.
  • AMAZONIAN HISTORY: Amazon tribes have used a version of ac11 by making a tea out of Uncaria tomentosa vines for thousands of years and their longevity is what lead researchers to examine the plant, eventually realize the benefits, and create a finer and more potent extract which we have available today in this product.

  
  
• 

I got some nice hallway rugs from Amazon for only $10 each! I want to put one in the master bathroom too. They are pretty, most that I saw for more, were ugly. I just need to paint the floors first, plus I still have a roll of carpet in the garage and a roll of padding. I like to buy things (rugs, material) that are remnants, or mix-mixed paints. I even got deck wood protection for a very low price that way. I like Lowe's and Home Depot, but they are far from me.... :-(  (Driving their carts around is fun too! They are BIG places! I usually walk, but occasionally....)

I see a lot of RVs driving down the road and I think how great it would be to cruise around with you. I want something that runs on alternative fuel, or at least a hybrid.