Don't mind me, my mind has become self-defensive. I have had my lifetime requirement of pain.
Love and happiness are all I want from here on out; to give and to get. I love doing nice things and feeling good. Mean is not me.
I love you, but it is not a bad thing. I am devoted and supportive. It is a good thing.

I do have faith in you, but not in those who have been around you. I just don't want to be hurt again. As "fun" and as "entertaining"as it was, I will eschew the hurt portion. I can do just fine without more pain.
If they are absent, then since you are my heart's delight, I would be overjoyed to see you.

Anyway, you are someone I care about, but if you do not want anything to do with me, I understand. I was not planning to go anywhere I am not wanted. I just wanted to be assured you were safe. That has been my worry. I do not push myself on anyone. I was enveloped in this and no specifics were given, just strangeness and cruelty. I could never be happy with someone who doesn't like me. I do appreciate all the lovely care you gave me and the concern. It melted my heart.
No matter what, you have my help at all times and a home. I will forever have you in my heart, but I will not go to you, unless asked.
Love always.

Each time I deal with any form of tax board, it is an ordeal. For some reason they input the info into the computer system, but the area that generates nasty letters doesn't keep up with area that resolves the problem. Even though they know you have complied with what they wanted, they go ahead and lecture you about YOUR ineptitude anyway. I complied (resolved their imaginary problem) with them in March, yet in May, they lowered the boom anyway. It was a phishing expedition on their part from the start. I am tired of vultures.

Sorry, I am nervous, scared, sad, confused, hurt, fragile, beaten down, timid, but I hold hope and love, but I am resilient.

There were so many lies, so much cruelty, so much false law, that I was confused. Naturally, since you were kind and they were not, I could only worry about you. Being dedicated to you made me want to protect you. All I could do was formulate in my mind what was going on and trying to figure it out all the while I was being abused and taunted with more illegal abuse.
It has been a long, hard road, but my admiration, concern, loyalty, faith and love for you, never waivered, and never will.

I just want to be there for you, if you want, or need.

I have no expectations. I just wanted to talk to you and enjoy seeing you. You were always so special to me. I have no idea why people wanted to hurt me. I was never pushy, or intrusive.

I am so sad about Gloria Vanderbilt's passing. I have long admired her. She was a dignified, brave woman and so very poetic and artistic with a loving heart.

Last night when I went out to pray for you, I saw such a lovely sight greeting me! The moon was right over the ocean and it lit up the waves as they hit the beach. It was glowing! I was in awe!

You have made me feel so protected and safe. I always had you with me in my mind and it always gave me courage and hope.

I don't know why we allow society to put such constraints on ourselves. People are fools to have allowed things to get so bad

Maybe you don't even remember me, but you have been such a bright spot in my life. Your memory got me through the tough times. My nightly prayers were mostly all I had. If feel so alone and sad. The people involved in this have been so abjectly cruel, it is astonishing. It has worried me for you. Bad people should not be in charge of good people as yourself. I worry about your safety. I vowed that I would not give up keeping you safe by telling my story, until I was assured of your safety and happiness and saw your kind face again. It is what I think about while I am forced to stay away. You are in my heart and in my mind and will never leave.

I have no expectations about anything in life. It is like my life has turned into one constant game of dodge ball. My mind just keeps on trying to recover from all the blows. It has turned into the land of self-protection and turning a bad situation into hope. It is often tenuous, but I try and turn a glimmer into full blown flames. I never knew I could be so resilient, but sometimes, it just balances on the precipice.
It gets wearing.

People were cruel to me beyond what you ever knew. Some times I almost felt too weak to hold on. You kept me going. They came at me from every angle. I guess people who do that are insecure and immature. Such childishness!
You have always been my strength. I feel like I can do anything with your support. I want to do that for you too.

I would do anything for you. 

I said that I wanted to let you know that someone cared about you and supported you. That was well over 3 years ago. I have never stopped loving you, no matter how hard things became. It made me love you more.
I truly don't care what role I play, but I want to always know you and take care of you.

Anywhere with you is where I would love being.

I think you have been through so much. I wish I could hold you and take away all the memories of any cruelty and parasitic people who have used you. I want to see your beautiful face in complete serenity and joy.

I resent what has been inflicted upon you and your inherit kind nature. The predators frighten me, because they are crude and base. They try and break beauty to bring it down to their crass understanding. They hate complex and multifaceted.
I want it to be cherished and preserved.

I thought I had grown numb from all the abuse heaped upon me, but I found I was wrong, because when my mind goes to you, I come alive again.

You are my kindred spirit.

Watching a program about Tiffany & Co.
I have been fascinated by Tiffany since I was a child. My father asked me what I wanted for my birthday I told him anything from Tiffany. He bought me a plain silver bangle. I loved it.
I don't buy it for myself, but I like to give small things from there as gifts. I gave Dianne Feinstein a blue Tiffany heart shaped paper weight. She said, "you are the only one who brought me a present!" How does someone go to a birthday party and not bring a gift?

I hope you are having a lovely day!

I wish I could talk with you.

Just be safe.

You have been around cruel and devious people. I will always be there for you.

I just adore you.

My belief, trust and faith have always been in you. I never wavered from that. I have never asked anyone to question you. I have only asked for help with other issues of cruelty. 

I know you. I knew you pretending for them and knew you real. I knew when something was up and not your doing.
I knew the real, sweet you. You made me love you by all your caring ways.

I feel like I have been through a war. I do feel a bit worse for wear. If I should be so blessed to see you, I may be teary. Let me apologise in advance. I feel like someone who has been left and forgotten, despised and reviled. It seems as if parts of me have been burned off and I am left a shell. I am tired. But you would be the cure and rev me back up. Each time I think of you my heart jumps up and goes wild. Then I know I am still alive.
You are such a darling one.

I was only able to exist because of my love for you.
Everyone tried to talk me away from you. All I could think besides how much I love you, was that they just didn't know you and that they were wrong about you. I know your heart is gentle and kind.
It is why my heart is so dedicated to you. I feel honored to have known you thus far and pray it could be much longer.

I want to laugh again with you. Our short visits meant everything to me. It was the focus of my month. I wanted so much to please you. I have never known anyone who just made me so entusiastic about everything. You know so much. I like that. I could never be around a dullard. I like people who are interested in many things. I love finding out new information. I am also a romantic. I guess you could tell. You inspired me to try my hand at poetry. My muse.

If I get to see you again, please smile at me, so I don't feel nervous. You mean so much to me, and I admire you and respect you. I love you, but that could only mean, if you prefer, that I will always be there for you and will risk anything for you. I know I say that a lot, but I think it a lot. 

I always so enjoyed talking with you. I really enjoyed everything about it. I liked laughing with you so much and I miss you so much. You are someone who means more to me than I could ever express.

I am tired and not eloquent, but my sadness from missing you creates a lot of emotion and I must express it.

I hope I am allowed to see you. You have filled my life with such joy. I want to feel that again.

Was working hard in the garage. Worn out. I am going to keep going at it, so I can have more room in the house and ferret out the cream from the crap.

I am feeling sad, because I have realised that something was stolen from my front porch.  I brought a Foo dog that had been my great aunt's. I remember seeing it all my life. It was a lion looking foo dog with its paw on a ball. It was for protection. Guess nothing protected it. I had no idea someone would steal it. I think it was that gardener, since he has been so threatening. I swear, they want my life to be miserable. It does hurt, but I go on.

Hi, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

I hope that you understand how how the bad treatment I have undergone, has worried me for you too. These people have become so intense and so carefree in their abusive manner, they might even treat their target badly, or perhaps threaten to harm loved ones as a warning.
Why they need to scream at me and say cruel things to cause anxiety is only answered by the fact that they are evil, desperate people who are afraid of losing their prey....you. They know I would do anything for you. They are stupid if they think I will ever blame you. If I am willing to die for you, why would I blame you? Those people, as I wrote, would kill their own mothers for a buck.

I was astounded that my friend's pancreatic cancer marker numbers went from in the 500's, to now 45. 
Take ALA. Stay healthy. Please. I will always be concerned for you and look out for you, no matter what.

I thought it was funny when I got an email and it said one of my connections was in the news. Gavin Newsom was announcing a gay pride event. I was thinking, "heck, he's in the news all of the time!"

Something bit my foot, maybe a spider. Very itchy and foot swelling up. Maybe it is in my mind, but I seem to feel nauseated.
I guess I will need to go to the local clinic later.  I hope it isn't bad. It hurts.

I gave my doggie a fur cut. She was acting like she was hot, by sleeping on the bare wood and just looking pretty miserable. I washed her in the kitchen sink and now she looks much happier and cute. She is not an easy subject, since she wiggles a lot. I was also able to get a couple of her nails cut too. She jumped up on the area where I sleep and proceeded to toss all the covers and pillows around. She grabs them with her teeth and pulls them. I did a pretty raggedy job of a summer "do" on her, but she looks much better, and substantially cooler. Now, I have much more to attend to, but too lazy right now.
I hope your special day has been beautiful. You are very dear to me.

Please forgive any wrongs I may have committed. Just want to be certain....seems like there have been many more miscommunications and honest worries than anything. Anything I may have done was out of honest concern and love.

If I am totally off base and you dislike me, then it would bring up a lot of questions for me, but that is your right. It just hurt to see you jerked around, from what I saw anyway. You touch me. You make me feel so lovely and cared about. I think of it in the present, because when I think of you and your sweetness, I feel all the lovely feelings a person can have all rolled into one, when I am around you. The way you wanted to keep my arms from hurting. You know, had I thought it was going to be the last time I would see you privately, I would have looked at you more intently and savored every minute detail of you, so I could have you with me in a more vivid way. I did accomplish it more than I thought, though, because you have never left me. I feel weak and warm, like drinking a cocktail on an empty stomach.....when I think of you.

I wish I could always keep you happy, safe and healthy. I love that. You did that for me.

Thinking of you and wishing you a lovely day.

I only believe what you say. What they say is pure garbage.

I would give you presents all day long, take you to a wonderful dinner in Half Moon Bay. Sit by a fire ring huddled under blankets and look for shooting stars over the water and counting our blessings and giggling and feeling so happy like no one else ever existed.  That is my story/wish. Lovely dream for me anyway. 

Anything beautiful has you in it.

Happy birthday to the one I love. Forever. Haviva

Please understand, you never have to worry about me not respecting your wishes. I will only ever be as much, or as little as you want me to be to you. Don't think you can't see me because of the time that has gone by. I am the same person. They beat the crap out of me, but my love for you and your spirit kept me going. You have always been there for me in one way, or another. I knew when you were there, even when I couldn't see you.
I never knew such kindness and compassion before.
I love you.

August 15, 1932 
Kadłub, Łódź Voivodeship, Poland Immediate Family:

Daughter of Alfred Graf Strachwitz von Gross-Zauche und Camminetz and Gabriele Schalscha von Ehrenfeld
Widow of Franz von Martinitz
Sister of Alfred Graf Strachwitz von Gross-Zauche und Camminetz; Graf Matthias Maria Hyacinth Bernhard Alfred Emanuel Thomas Aloysius Nikolaus Alexander Strachwitz von Gross-Zauche und Camminetz; Gräfin Maria-Isabella Immakulata Gabriele Aloysia Hyacintha Benedikta Angela Carola Xaveria Johanna Martinitz and <private> (Strachwitz von Gross-Zauche und Camminetz) 

Added by:Ali Hassan Khalil on January 5, 2012Managed by: Ali Hassan Khalil

• I have no idea who Ali H. Khalil is, he said he is a relative somehow, I don't know, but he manages my family tree info. I am grateful for that.

 I suppose Johanna is where my mother got her middle name.

• 

Sorry if I sound too much. Too much.
🙄 I am letting out my caring thoughts, since this is my exercise in feeling better. You know I am more reserved in person.

You know me. You know you can tell me anything. Really. It has been an excruciatingly difficult time. But, all I care about is you and your happiness.

You have been the last dream of my soul.

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

I loved her (him) against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I hope you will be having a very lovely time on your day.

Evil people keep good people from communicating.

I know you do what you can.
Sorry when I have messed up. It was my worry that made me so upset.
Be safe, please. Bad people will do bad things and have, don't let them make you next. They are under a microscope.
They will be caught and jailed. Lots of my story has gone out.
If you were gone, so would I.

All I feel like saying is I love you and I miss you.
I will say how much you mean to me under the stars at midnight tomorrow, along with my usual prayer to my guardian angel.

I figure that any of those 3 cruel people are going to hurt others one time too many...

There is a seagull standing on the railing and he is panting. Must be the heat. Poor thing!

I just didn't feel like there was any joy in life, so I stayed in exile. I still feel that way. Also, with those terrible people wanting me (and maybe you too) dead, I felt no desire to do anything. I am frightened for you. That is the product of not knowing. Normal people don't go through such elaborate plans and no doubt a lot of money, for any good/positive reasons, but their own. Hating people is not good, but hating evil people cannot be wrong.

I would love to go on a picnic with you and a nice gentle hike.

You feel like a dream sometimes. It is strange, one might think that I would feel more remote from you, but my strength of my caring never wavered, just grew more deep in its devotion.

“There could have never been two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved. Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become acquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement.”-Jane Austen

I hope not. 
I will stand by you and care for you no matter what. You are forever in my heart.

Watching, "The Lake House". I cannot watch it without crying.
I was sobbing and nearly choked on dinner. Now, I feel nauseated.
Makes me think of how sad I am not being able to see you.

I am waiting....

I can't let you go without seeing you again. I just can't. Please give me that. I beg you.

I am going to make a list of all the wonderful things to take for good health. I want everyone, but especially those I love, to stay healthy.  For starters: ALA each day!
I am going to follow my own advice on a more regular basis, but I am for certain get more exercise. I was doing great, but got derailed and of course, my lymphatic problem that has just gone on with no real challenge. I became rather depressed over my cruel situation and stayed as a recluse and despondant. Yesterday, going for a walk was a start. My dog was panting when we returned, so she has been sleeping a lot today.
At some point, I am going to actively look into getting a nice RV. I want diesel to use frying oil as fuel. I saw a YouTube video, and the man did nothing to change the engine, he just used the oil in his diesel engine. I will make certain, though. 

Ideally, I would like electric, but I suppose hybrid would be better for remote destinations, if no place to plug in. Also all electric is probably rare, and or very expensive.

I need to think seriously about what to do. I want someone I love to come along, but who knows how that will go? I have been waiting, but who knows? If he were near me, I would feel as if I could fly; he makes me feel that amazing. He is my definition of love.

Did you know that horrible attorney gave a false restraining order to a quadriplegic patient? That is probably one of the lowest things a person can do to another. He also gave a false one to a man who is the caretaker of his brain injured son. Then that attorney wanted to jail the poor man. He is absolutely one of the most dispicable people on Earth. He is actually a rival of Satan. 

Next to my son, you were the bright light in my life. You always made my heart go crazy. It still does, when I think of you.....all the time.

I see your caring heart and it moves me and draws me to you.
Missing it hurts me to my depths.

I know I am still large, but that can be remedied; it is my heart that is my most attractive quality, as far as I am concerned. 

Is happiness such a bad thing? It is all I ever wanted for you.
I don't matter.

I just want to see you smile at me again and I will go away and you won't have to think of me again.

I am lonely.

I am so devoted to you.

I FINALLY went to the bookstore here in the complex. Took my doggie and carried her inside the store.
Very pretty day. Ocean looks lovely.

I wish you were here.

I really want to move from this awful HOA place. I need help selling and moving. I like my condo okay, but the HOA people are a-holes.

The gentle

look

upon his

face



A trace of

sadness...

spirit...

grace...



Resolve that

feeds

His loyal

heart


Intruders

take

destructive

part



A hero's

life

within

constraints



Devoid

of

freedom

or

complaints



Angels

from

their

sorrow

weep



The pain

for

him

became

that

deep



Devotion

to

him

I gladly

succumb



I'd never

Live freely

below

cruel

thumb




Or take

one

step

to

their

foul

drum.


Haviva-

(C) HVM 2019

My story has been disseminated to many people in authority, that gang would be stupid to try and harm you. I only live with my own thoughts, so all I could do to keep you safe, was reason it all out and understood that "they" layered their desires over my story to keep me away from helping you as well as my thinking it was a waiting period. They used us both that way.  Mr. Ed, the attorney and the insane psy. all in on it. Don't trust any of them. Of course, Mr. Ed was taken from sec. guard to janitor to have access everywhere and keep an eye on you. He is one cruel a-hole predator. No one nice could prevent someone right out of surgery from resting on a bench while waiting for a ride home. I sat down for a minute and he was right there telling me I could not sit there while waiting. Who does that? A cruel, ruthless jerk, that's who. He was given a perm job there as reward for making false evidence to throw me in jail. Hell is full of evil a-holes like him. I know he has you on his predatory target list. Please avoid him at all costs. Don't let any of them near you. I am sure they all know how to cause a stroke in someone....I can't think about it. It makes me too frantic feeling.
Stay safe.
Hugs.

Of course you don't need to feel the same toward me as I do you. I am sure it was designed to have that effect anyway. People who get to see you have the distinct advantage over a memory that represents a bad period, especially with the influence of professionals hard at work. I had little more than prayer and a caring heart. It wasn't a normal, or fair situation, but neither is life. I will always love you and be there for you no matter what.
I mean it.

You bless me each time I think of you....

So it's a lot.

Yours is still the face I want to see before I die. It is so beautiful. I want to melt into your eyes.

Since I do not entirely understand what is going on, all I can do is assess the situation based on how I have been treated...badly, therefore all I may do in my position, is alert people and ask them, to keep you safe. I try not to make problems, I will not sit by ignoring a potential danger to you. There is something very wrong and unless the situation is called off or I am enlightened, I will continue to search for answers and will expose potential predators. It has changed significantly in its initial design, or intention, since the idea began. I think predators insinuated themselves in for their own benefit. I just hoped it was a waiting period, but why all the covert activity and beating up? Why this whole intrigue? If it is just to provide an out, there is no need for all the drama. I don't need some jerk attorney yelling in my face twice saying, "he doesn't want a relationship with you!" He is a cretin a creep and a thug! Having his nasty face telling me what you want, or not, is anathema to me! Having him say anything to do with you makes me sick! I trust you to tell me your wishes, not some Mafia wanna be jerk!

Thinking of you.

Was up most of the night waiting to hear about my niece, but no answer, so going to rest a bit.

I want to always know you are safe and happy.
I don't like the people in control; they are ruthless and cold blooded. They scare me for you.

Maybe it sounds lower class, but I would like to get a nice RV and explore.

My niece may need a C-section. Oh, I hope she is safe. I think of Florida as Third world, at best...

If I close my eyes, I can see you smiling at me. I love it.

If I get to know you again, you will know you are cherished and respected each minute of each day.

I know I was treated badly and I was frozen, but I am sick of myself. I have made some idiotic mistakes, but I want to understand what was done and why. If I dont see you again at least I will understand things, because I think some asses need to be kicked. You have not been treated well and that is not fair. You really should stand up for yourself and tell them to go to Hell, but I am not in your shoes. I don't know the complexities of the situation, but I sure know how a person should be treated. I don't think you have gotten the respect you deserve. You have been treated like a chew toy. I hate it. You are such a lovely person.

My niece is having her baby. I am worried. The hospital sounds inept.

Writing with no response is more difficult than it looks. All I seem to want to say is I miss you and I love you, but I sneak in my whiny, self-indulgent, pity party top ten once in awhile too. I am sure my guardian angel has angelic ear plugs by now...

That moon looked exquisitely beautiful peeking through the mossy trees. For such a small sliver of a moon, it was so bright reflecting off the ocean.

My dream that knocked the energy out of me this morning was about fire. People were running one way, then another, and it seemed to be closing in and surrounding us. I wanted to help everyone, but I was afraid of making the wrong decision. I even thought of getting into a store basement, but I wasn't sure that would be good. At one point, I realised that there was nothing I could do. I couldn't save anyone and I couldn't save myself; I knew we were all going to die. It was weird, because all I could think was, "and I never even got to hug him."
I haven't had such a scary dream for a very long time. My life is scary enough, I guess.
I am worried because my abdominal area hurts and I noticed blood. I guess it is stress. (As I previously mentioned) I usually feel invincible, but I guess I am low on my superpowers. I have never been so sad in my life as these past few years. I am not positive about lasting the rest of the time. The parting shots by that awful man were meant to hurt. They did.
Oh well.
Surpernumerary. That's me.

Good thing I'm writing to myself, or I may have sounded like a fool several times over....

I was finally getting a chance to get back at the HOA for all their crap done to me. I also want to make certain everything here is safe. The jerks here hated me due to my little car with the rainbow flag, but the ironic part is that it was already on the car when my friend gave it to me. I just do not feel that I need to explain anything to these jerks, or the gardener who was threatening my renter friend.
I have been getting pain in my gut. It must be stress. It has been getting worse recently. It feels sometimes like I am hanging by a thread. After all this time it is actually wearing on me. I need something positive to keep me going.
I do love you and I cannot do anything about it.
Not that I want to.
I think we could have fun. I know it.
I feel miserable. I don't do things right all of the time and basically I am trying keep alive after being beaten to a pulp and in the dark. I have been dealing with so very much, I must be pretty strong, but I am in so much in pain. I don't know if you will even want to see me again, but if my knees weren't so painful I would be down on them begging you for at least one last visit. You are everything to me, but it is all your call. You need to have a lovely life of your choice. It is all I want. What is mine is yours as well as my heart. I am not beautiful, but I would sure take the best care of you and make you smile....and laugh.

All I can do is pray.
It's all I have.

I am really hurting. I can barely stand it.
You were always there for me, but now I feel so alone.

Please give me a chance.
I love you and always will.

I want to make sure you are happy.

My car was given to me with the rainbow on it....
We all stand together...

I so very much need something good in my life, like a positive sign.

I feel like crying knowing that another year of missing your birthday is slipping by.

I hate this so much.

If I hadn't dropped you, they never would have jumped in and taken over. But, I guess They would have just made another plan. What horrible people. Nice people could not bear doing that to anyone.
Do you want me to just say good- bye? I don't think I can.

Just remembering you and your kindness to me, makes the day a lot nicer.
I miss you.
I miss talking to you.
I miss writing to you.
I miss your deep, warm, welcoming eyes.
I miss your self-effacing ways.
I miss that you always tried to make me feel better in all ways.
I miss that you were still nice....even when I was an unreasonable asshole.
I miss that everything was better in my world with you in it.
I miss how you made me feel I could do anything to better myself.
I miss that you seemed to care so much,
I never had that before.
I miss the way you made me feel....and still do, but now it is only in my head.
I loved that my heart would run a marathon when I was around you...and never got tired.
If I am only dreaming, I want to stay asleep.

Remember when I apologised to you for being in love with you? I was just sorry that my feeling that way might have caused you any problems.
That horrible woman called me and said you hated me and that I embarrassed you. I wanted to die, because I was so sad that I might have caused you any pain, or sadness. I really was going to kill myself. All the phone calls that kept coming in stopped me from thinking that way. I think that horrible woman did something to me mind control-wise.
I believe you saved me.

All I could think when I awoke is that I wanted to hug you.
I am still shaking from my bad dream. I can't even talk about it yet.