Sometimes I just need to vent by listening to music and singing.
I am so tired of people.
I do feel your kindness.
I have gone through such a range of emotions. They never thought I'd be so tough. I think most of it was worrying about you.
I had to learn how to soothe myself.
It really was "one day at a time."
It really was hard having people scream in my face, saying cruel things. They said things I knew weren't true. People treating me like I was garbage. No one wanting to help me. I had to find ways to keep my self-respect. I am already hard on myself, but having people run me down made it more difficult. I froze. I stayed isolated. I felt guilty. Having judges act like I was the worst person they had ever seen was really awful. I knew they had been bribed, but it didn't make it better. I used to blame myself for everything. I was ashamed about how I felt. It terrified me that the horrible people might hurt my friend. Once I got that in my head, nothing made me feel better. I begged everyone to keep him safe. He always kept me safe and still does in ways. Love has tenacity. They tried so hard to shake my faith and it annoyed them when it didn't happen.
I won't "Drop through the cracks." But, I don't want another stranger poking at me.
I have odd things that go on with my health, but trust is important to me.
All I want to do is be able to talk to my friend again. Hear what he has to say and go on from there. This is not my world. It is foreign to me. I did not know people could be so self-centered and devious. I guess it shocked me. I don't trust people, only my friend. I was an open book. I still am, but worry that they will ramp up their cruelty.
Anyway, I have to deal with my health weakness. I had been unable to walk well, but doing better. I push myself and then rest. I hate being in a mess, but I need to stop letting it bother me. I do what I can. I cannot find help to hire and I have to work hard on my "renter" to pitch in. He has a good heart, but he does not like to do housework. I have to stop caring, but I hate mess. Anyway, there are more important things in life, like a horrible man running this country who wants to destroy our Earth. It terrifies me.
Be well. You are on my mind all of the time. That is lovely.
I am so tired of people.
I do feel your kindness.
I have gone through such a range of emotions. They never thought I'd be so tough. I think most of it was worrying about you.
I had to learn how to soothe myself.
It really was "one day at a time."
It really was hard having people scream in my face, saying cruel things. They said things I knew weren't true. People treating me like I was garbage. No one wanting to help me. I had to find ways to keep my self-respect. I am already hard on myself, but having people run me down made it more difficult. I froze. I stayed isolated. I felt guilty. Having judges act like I was the worst person they had ever seen was really awful. I knew they had been bribed, but it didn't make it better. I used to blame myself for everything. I was ashamed about how I felt. It terrified me that the horrible people might hurt my friend. Once I got that in my head, nothing made me feel better. I begged everyone to keep him safe. He always kept me safe and still does in ways. Love has tenacity. They tried so hard to shake my faith and it annoyed them when it didn't happen.
I won't "Drop through the cracks." But, I don't want another stranger poking at me.
I have odd things that go on with my health, but trust is important to me.
All I want to do is be able to talk to my friend again. Hear what he has to say and go on from there. This is not my world. It is foreign to me. I did not know people could be so self-centered and devious. I guess it shocked me. I don't trust people, only my friend. I was an open book. I still am, but worry that they will ramp up their cruelty.
Anyway, I have to deal with my health weakness. I had been unable to walk well, but doing better. I push myself and then rest. I hate being in a mess, but I need to stop letting it bother me. I do what I can. I cannot find help to hire and I have to work hard on my "renter" to pitch in. He has a good heart, but he does not like to do housework. I have to stop caring, but I hate mess. Anyway, there are more important things in life, like a horrible man running this country who wants to destroy our Earth. It terrifies me.
Be well. You are on my mind all of the time. That is lovely.
Thursday, January 30, 2020
I could never work for a place that allows such cruelty to be done to myself and to others. I know they are rich and powerful, but nothing excuses placing innocent people in danger. But, I cannot pass judgment, I do not walk in your shoes. I cannot stop caring about you, no matter what. The people who set this up are terrible, cruel, people, who need to be punished, but all I can do is tell my story and pray for your safety. Then, depending on outcome, I will discontinue my membership, sell my home, buy an RV and go away, never to be heard from again, by anyone.
But, I will carry your memory in my heart and mind as the most extraordinary, beautiful time of my life.
But, I will carry your memory in my heart and mind as the most extraordinary, beautiful time of my life.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
I have unlimited Internet, but it also has an invisible end date and then I am on "fumes", I am already "on fumes!" I am at the end of my monthly allotment! I have to wait until the 20th to have it renew! Every 7 seconds I have buffering. I guess the Senate hearings last week took up too much time. I won't watch the Republican deflection and spin, it's an insult.
Tuesday, January 28, 2020
I took 3 aspirin and used the Oxypro machine and feel some relief. My right leg is a tree trunk and the left is a sapling (a large one) but if I do something that causes the pain to dissipate for awhile, I am all in!
I have an ugly bruise on my right arm from bad phlebotomy (fishing, etc) but at least enough blood was drawn. I hate it when they keep jabbing around.
I have an ugly bruise on my right arm from bad phlebotomy (fishing, etc) but at least enough blood was drawn. I hate it when they keep jabbing around.
I know those people tried to make my life so miserable that they figured it would make me give in and die, basically. They were so worried about what influence I had, that they did ugly, devious things to keep the status quo where you were concerned. So, to keep someone else happy, they harmed me. That is beyond despicable.
I have no influence over anyone. You do what you want. All I do is love. If it is not reciprocated, then that is that. I have no agenda. I am not ashamed of love. Nothing will change. People with power and wealth have a choice to be kind, or be terrible to others. It would appear that the person/people controlling you, choose(s) to be terrible. They use you, they don't love you, but I am sure you already know that.
I have no influence over anyone. You do what you want. All I do is love. If it is not reciprocated, then that is that. I have no agenda. I am not ashamed of love. Nothing will change. People with power and wealth have a choice to be kind, or be terrible to others. It would appear that the person/people controlling you, choose(s) to be terrible. They use you, they don't love you, but I am sure you already know that.
Sunday, January 26, 2020
I know you have sent me nice feelings and and support. You have not just let time go by. It helped me. It really did.
My prayers asking for your protection and happiness made me feel much better, because I know that my angel wanted it too. It made me feel stronger and like my prayers were working. My frantic feelings would still break through and the worry for you became too much for me to ignore.
My prayers asking for your protection and happiness made me feel much better, because I know that my angel wanted it too. It made me feel stronger and like my prayers were working. My frantic feelings would still break through and the worry for you became too much for me to ignore.
I want to know what you enjoy. I want to know all about you and have you trust me completely. I know it takes time. I want us to know each other so we feel connected to someone we can trust implicitly forever.
It will happen if it it was meant and if it is wanted, but I feel it will come naturally. I feel close to you already and it sustained me during the time, but I have no expectations.
I just love.
It will happen if it it was meant and if it is wanted, but I feel it will come naturally. I feel close to you already and it sustained me during the time, but I have no expectations.
I just love.
I am ashamed about my physical setbacks, but I am working on them. (I really should not be ashamed, but I would like to have my problems gone) I seriously do not understand why such a terrible amount of pain hit me so hard all at once. I am not sure how fast I will recover, but I am making progress.
My concern for you, took me away from my own. You helped me.
I am wondering about cryo-therapy. I want to do it.
My concern for you, took me away from my own. You helped me.
I am wondering about cryo-therapy. I want to do it.
Watching, (Gyweth Paltrow's) "the goop lab."
I want to be someone who is supportive and loving to you.
It is hard to write or explain about it, but all I know is that love is at the center. I feel that if we support each other, we will feel strong. When I think about you, I feel so warm and happy and so protective of you.
I yearn to see you.
I want to be someone who is supportive and loving to you.
It is hard to write or explain about it, but all I know is that love is at the center. I feel that if we support each other, we will feel strong. When I think about you, I feel so warm and happy and so protective of you.
I yearn to see you.
Watching a documentary about Mozart.
The pain is lessening, but legs feel weak. I get up, walk around and stretch a bit, do a few things and sit again. I had my leg compression going and the machine moving it around. Lower back is still aches. I keep wondering if I had an infection. What I have noticed that ALA and vit C are very beneficial for healing. I am sure when I do things Monday, I will be much better, fingers crossed!
The pain is lessening, but legs feel weak. I get up, walk around and stretch a bit, do a few things and sit again. I had my leg compression going and the machine moving it around. Lower back is still aches. I keep wondering if I had an infection. What I have noticed that ALA and vit C are very beneficial for healing. I am sure when I do things Monday, I will be much better, fingers crossed!
You know, my cousin, of some sort, by marriage, tried to forge my great aunt and uncle's will with the help of the mayor of Millbrae and it was discovered before my great uncle died and he made a new will. That a-hole mayor lived right up the street from me and would not speak to me when I caught him sitting there while trying to merge in going down the street. I started talking to him and he rolled up his window and raced away. Chicken shit!
I will sell and give people their share, but I need help to do it. I am not sure what to do. I think I will be okay. I do need to figure out how to get rid of any pain issues and then sell and then take off. The real estate woman lied to me about many things, so I need to go at some point soon, or figure things out. I hate the people who run the HOA. It is too bad such jerks run things.
I never knew someone who evoked such strong feelings and emotion and who inspired me as much as you. Also, to feel such dedication and loyalty to you has been uplifting and made me feel like I had purpose. It created introspection and opened me up to a better understanding of the human spirit and it's resiliency. You made me understand my strength and that love was more than just a faster beat to my heart; it is the knowledge that I could withstand almost anything to be certain someone else was happy and safe. You.
I love you.
I love you.
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
You don't need to feel the same about me as I feel about you, but I want to always be there for you and to share with you anything I have. I have a bond with you that grows each day in my heart and mind. I am not pushy, or some threat; just the opposite, I believe in freedom and happiness and pleasant co-existence. I have no feeling of animosity toward you, nor feeling of wanting to force you into anything unwanted. I am a victim of kidnapping and abuse; I want never to be associated with anyone of that ilk, nor perceived as such. It is repugnant to me.
Everyone should be able to enjoy the positive and beautiful attributes of life, but to me personally, that especially means someone who I hold closely in my heart, I will fight for it for them and ask nothing in return. That would not be love, if I did. It comes naturally and with happiness of spirit. Your happiness is my happiness.
Everyone should be able to enjoy the positive and beautiful attributes of life, but to me personally, that especially means someone who I hold closely in my heart, I will fight for it for them and ask nothing in return. That would not be love, if I did. It comes naturally and with happiness of spirit. Your happiness is my happiness.
I was awakened by a loud banging noise on the roof. The HOA president sent me a reply email saying he told everyone in an email December 10. There were no details in that email, just that there would be work done sometime, but that the people doing the work did not know when they would be doing it, because they have such a busy schedule. The HOA president couldn't have sent notice yesterday, or even this morning? No, nothing. This is from the man who most likely was paid to harass me when I first moved in, had my cars towed away and he most likely is getting kickbacks from the people doing work here, yet he acts so high and mighty toward me. They are complete assholes here.
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Cryo therapy for fat removal and inflammation reduction
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Monday, January 20, 2020
I want to put the nicest poems I wrote for you in a book that I make. I will also print them all up. They are from my heart with love.
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The Prayer of St. Francis is one of the best known and best loved prayers in the world today. Attributed traditionally to St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226), pictured above, its actual origins are much more recent. Nonethless it beautifully reflects his devotion to God!
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Just browsing online, but I need to give my dog a bath and a fur cut. She looks like an angry tumbleweed....not looking forward to it....she is not a fan of spa days. She is a tom boy. Poor thing, when I came here, her skin went to shit. I give her allergy pills, but only minimal results. My friend has all these fancy shih tzu dogs, but mine looks like she plays in a dirty alley. I took her for a friend whose mother died and since he was busy running for governor, I took her for him. She is a good dog and I love her, but she is not especially friendly. She is stubborn and obstinate. She is named Bella like my great aunt, who was a princess, but this Bella is unlike any princess I have ever seen, except her royal pain-in-the-ass-attitude! :-)
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Saturday, January 18, 2020
It has not been a normal time. I have been trying to get by as well as possible. There were times when the pain was so unbearable. If I could have just waited normally, that would have been one thing, but people could not have that. They had to make it into something else. It was cruel, it was false, it was horrifying. This was a time of mourning, but with people taunting me and threatening me. It was so intentionally hurtful; it was unnerving. It made me feel like the people were so unpredictably mean, that I worried about you. It was nearly unbearable. I didn't mess up because I missed you (I did/do so much) it was because I had been messed with so much I thought they would do weird stuff and harm you.
I love you. I loved the way you seemed so happy to see me. You made me feel loved and cared about. I loved you after you called me to apologise. I thought that was so gallant and sweet. I had so much fun talking to you and how much we had in common. I hated missing out on you for so long. It's hurt like mad. I feel like I have deteriorated. I am embarrassed. I would do anything to be better again.
This thing really isn't fair. I prove things to people in power, but they still keep me restricted. I would do what you wanted, but I am tired of being told it is a legal thing. Won't you clarify it to them? I am so weary. I am still walking in pain. That needs to be resolved. I cannot live this way. If you want nothing to do with me, I would obey you, but it does not need to be legal. That part was nonsense. Had I been given a choice, I would have stayed away.
It is strange that when I put the hemp cream on my leg and thigh, the pain intensifies at first, then it calms down. That, and aspirin are doing what I have needed to feel less pain. Sleeping is the tough part, well and standing and walking much distance. Did I cause this? I wasn't exercising enough, I suppose. This "legal" thing turned my world on its head, but I have no excuse. I just never knew how much it would hit me. I was absolutely distraught. My joy was gone. I was in grief. (Still am, actually.) I was attacked from many directions and cruel ways. Now, I hurt physically and emotionally. I am a mess. I need to get better. I am an active person trying to get out. I was looking at a paddle boat. There is a river here, I thought I could use it there. Rowing is good too. I rowed all around at Catalina. That is one of my favorite places. It feels like a different world there. It is like being back in time. It is great walking in the warm sand and reading books on the beach, looking at the beautiful, unique casino and hearing the blast notifying everyone that someone had caught a Marlin. Mr. Clean greeted us, when we came in on the sea plane (long ago). We would often stay on my dad's business partner's boat. ( He was also my father's childhood friend.) He was nice, except when we went sailing, then the Captain Bligh came out and would yell at us to be more ship shape, basically. I remember reading on the bow and drinking my orange Nehi and when we went about I dropped it, and it rolled around making a sticky mess. I never got seasick when I was a kid, but later, as an adult, ugh. I was the only one of our school group on the boat from England to France who was chowing down, while all the others were barfing in great volume. That was amazingly rough water, as its reputation had confessed. I am a Pisces so water should be my friend, but after my husband drowned, we are no longer in speaking terms, but obviously I still keep in touch. (I am not much of a grudge holder, also there was culpability on both sides.)
I woke up with pain, but now it is subsiding and I am drowsy....
You know, each morning, I still wake up and eagerly look for an email from you to make my day sweet, as in the past....now I pretend there is one and imagine what you might say. I actually would hear your voice, not just see a small collection of words that would greet me and thrill me. You cannot know what they did for me. They made me want to make improvements to my entire life, to attain your approval. I wanted to make you happy. When I lost you, I went dark.
I woke up with pain, but now it is subsiding and I am drowsy....
You know, each morning, I still wake up and eagerly look for an email from you to make my day sweet, as in the past....now I pretend there is one and imagine what you might say. I actually would hear your voice, not just see a small collection of words that would greet me and thrill me. You cannot know what they did for me. They made me want to make improvements to my entire life, to attain your approval. I wanted to make you happy. When I lost you, I went dark.
I was looking at items from Peru on EBay and they were selling two handcrafted dolls for .99 cents, so I felt sorry for them and put in a bid and won for .99, but I forgot about shipping and I ended up paying around $10. So there they stand on my old coffee table next to a silver framed business card with a picture of "someone" on it. I have had it for ages. It goes with me places as a good luck, comfort kind of thing, then back on the table, by where I sleep, since I sleep where I can hear everything.
I gave my son a small rototiller that is for weeding, etc. for his community garden, for his birthday. I used to have a community garden in Cupertino. The idea was shot down here. Yeah, they can tow my cars away, but I can't have a small veggie garden. I hate them. I KNOW who got them to harass me and broke my antique tea set! MP & G the conspirators.
Friday, January 17, 2020
My worry for you
I look at those animal rescue shows and I feel like one of the animals needing rescue.
I try and do small things, but it is exhausting. It seems like pain is actually tiring. This house is already a challenge for me for many reasons, like having too much stuff for a small house, not enough places to put things. I was trying to sort things out when the pain issue hit, so I was left in the middle of a sorting job.
It has been a difficult time that was meant to break me down and it nearly did, but I look for even the smallest signs of positivity to make it through. I am sometimes hit by surprise by something touching and I find myself sobbing. I don't like to complain, but my helper/is"renter" is not voluntarily someone who just pitches in to do many things, so I am grateful for what I do get.
I always look for answers to figure things out. I have plans of how to get things done. I figure that if necessary, I will quickly sell my place at a bargain price and buy an RV and live "on the road" 🙃 and be nomadic. I love you, but I cannot depend on others to save me, I have to have things at least figured out myself. I cannot be helpless. I have lived so long planning my survival, but my heart has its own "mind" and it rules everything else. It loves with a passion, devotion, loyalty and fierce protection. It matters most to me. Loving someone is really all there is to life. It got me through these hardest times, but it also caused the hard times I have had to overcome. I would not have taken the easy road just to avoid the pain inflicted by others, because my heart is devoted. I could have just said, "this is completely f'ed, bye, bye", but your kindness toward me has been so touching and I feel so much a part of you; I cannot do anything before I see this through and know if the most wonderful person I have ever been blessed to know, is okay and wants to know me as much I want to know him. He feels like the one I was always meant to find.
It has been like a fairy tale where there are the bad people who are determined to to throw awful challenges in to discourage or kill; monsters who frighten and chase with their fangs and claws constantly just ready to mangle and destroy.
They put me in the role of the disgusting bad guy, when in my own mind's story, I was the heroine, ready to protect and rescue.
It was disconcerting, because it is hard to prove who you are, when people think you are not who you are. It is surreal to have people put me in such an opposite role. I would rather be the one in harm's way than anyone else. The pain is too great to see someone else suffer, but I can do it myself. Someone else suffering is an unknown in terms of how they will do, but if I suffer, at least I won't have that picture or worry in my head of how they are doing.
I guess life is Schrodinger's cat. Someone could be in a good situation, or a bad one, but if I cannot be assured they are okay, I cannot relax, or live in any peace. I would rather be the victim, but in this case now, both of us have been the victim, so while I fought for my own survival, there was the terrible anxiety of not knowing how you were doing too. There was no way of knowing how you were doing, it made me so worried and anxious, it drove me to desperation. I put out feelers to sense whatever I could. I take any glimmer of hope as a moment of relief. Just to hear your name on a list, let me know you were still alive.
Maybe it sounds odd, I don't know, but all I understand from this, is I love you so much to feel this way. I am sure they knew what they were doing to me, because I mistakenly confessed to that pretender that I worried about you driving to various venues, maybe tired and in heavy traffic. I trust your capabilities immensely, but the others are sometimes irratic, or if you are over tired. I don't know, love comes with a burden of worry, I guess. But I guess that is what makes it love. You worry for their safety. But taking away the ability to know if they are okay, is what I feel is the worst horror.
That cruel Psy knew what kind of punishment she was inflicting with her plan. She knew how much I cared, so she and that awful man implimented the perfect torture for me.... not knowing how you were doing.
I want to get rid of many things/sell them and catch up on prop taxes. They were twice as much as the real estate agent said. Why do they do that? Some appliances did not work too.
HOA more than most places and not much in return. My pain is not helpful, but seeing improvement. It is such a mystery.
I think it was an infection of sorts too.
HOA more than most places and not much in return. My pain is not helpful, but seeing improvement. It is such a mystery.
I think it was an infection of sorts too.
Thursday, January 16, 2020
I used to have a moped and had to give it up while pregnant and also had to give up my fencing class. Just a bit of info. I also took a firearms class and shot many kinds of guns. I kind of had a mental "bucket" list of things I wanted to accomplish. Went up in a hot air balloon. I can drive a stick. (Joke here!)
"Fly"
I keep picturing you, pink shirt, khaki pants, rainbow socks, briefcase with a strap over your strong shoulder that too often holds up the world, walking quickly as I picketed for my rights....it was so windy as that area always seemed to be. That smirky, smarmy security guard, who claimed you as his own, always yelling at me chasing me away, like some feral, rabid animal.
I have been treated as the lowest of the low. Why? What did I do that was so wrong? They own you. We seem to be in the same boat, but one with a better disguise. We are both trodden down and as if in captivity. You have a wall, I have a mental wall. Neither can be crossed.
It used to be fun. It used to feel carefree...then it got weird. I was watched. You were watched. You are their commodity. I am unwanted. I threaten them with my love. Love is too honest and pure for them. They only understand greed and self-serving ways. They don't care what you want.
They want me dead.
You with your vulnerable heart that encompasses the unlovely, while you are grace and beauty in the presence of despair, and shame. But your moments of humble subservience to tend to our needs, just as Jesus humbled himself before the ill and lame to make them well again.
He is in you.
You are sanctified and blessed as if you open your soul in confession when you kneel down before us. You leave washed anew and we leave more hopeful and in awe.
I want to protect you and let you escape the wall and the locked door. I want to hear you laugh and take care of you, hold you and release any pain that grows in solitary and roll away the boulder that causes stagnation and putrefaction.
Breathe the air of freedom and fly.
I hope you will come to me.
~Haviva
HVM (c)2020
I keep picturing you, pink shirt, khaki pants, rainbow socks, briefcase with a strap over your strong shoulder that too often holds up the world, walking quickly as I picketed for my rights....it was so windy as that area always seemed to be. That smirky, smarmy security guard, who claimed you as his own, always yelling at me chasing me away, like some feral, rabid animal.
I have been treated as the lowest of the low. Why? What did I do that was so wrong? They own you. We seem to be in the same boat, but one with a better disguise. We are both trodden down and as if in captivity. You have a wall, I have a mental wall. Neither can be crossed.
It used to be fun. It used to feel carefree...then it got weird. I was watched. You were watched. You are their commodity. I am unwanted. I threaten them with my love. Love is too honest and pure for them. They only understand greed and self-serving ways. They don't care what you want.
They want me dead.
You with your vulnerable heart that encompasses the unlovely, while you are grace and beauty in the presence of despair, and shame. But your moments of humble subservience to tend to our needs, just as Jesus humbled himself before the ill and lame to make them well again.
He is in you.
You are sanctified and blessed as if you open your soul in confession when you kneel down before us. You leave washed anew and we leave more hopeful and in awe.
I want to protect you and let you escape the wall and the locked door. I want to hear you laugh and take care of you, hold you and release any pain that grows in solitary and roll away the boulder that causes stagnation and putrefaction.
Breathe the air of freedom and fly.
I hope you will come to me.
~Haviva
HVM (c)2020
I seem to be on the pain tour, since I bit into something (again) and cracked a tooth. How annoying. I always seem to hit it while eating .....even carefully. I got some dental cement to see if that might work. (I'll probably cement my throat closed. :-) )
So, I am reviled by society, spat upon by the legal community (and yelled at by those a-holes too) ignored by many of law enforcement and even at times I hated myself too.
If you are there when it is over, I will be the happiest person in the world and feeling like I am in a sweet dream.
I wish I could see that day happen soon.
So, I am reviled by society, spat upon by the legal community (and yelled at by those a-holes too) ignored by many of law enforcement and even at times I hated myself too.
If you are there when it is over, I will be the happiest person in the world and feeling like I am in a sweet dream.
I wish I could see that day happen soon.
One friend of mine (from Facebook awhile ago, but we were closer than most) actually called me and screamed at me and told me to give up on you and just went on and on. I know she was somehow persuaded to do it by MP. It was her style. You would not believe all the attacks in that way that I have gotten. It is like the HOA here was attacking me too. It was relentless. I just mentally tell them all to go to Hell and think what I want. They are desperate. That is why I have been worried about you. What a huge effort to scare me off.
I only want to know you.
I only want to know you.
"Fly"
I keep picturing you, pink shirt, khaki pants, rainbow socks, briefcase with a strap over your strong shoulder that too often holds up the world, walking quickly as I picketed for my rights....it was so windy as that area always seems to be. That smirky, smarmy security guard, who claimed you as his own, always yelling at me chasing me away, like some feral, rabid animal, lurking about, ready to pounce at me.
I have been treated as the lowest of the low. Why? What did I do that was so wrong? They own you. We seem to be in the same boat, but one with a better disguise. We are both trodden down and as if in captivity. You have a wall, I have a mental wall. Neither can be crossed.
It used to be fun. It used to feel carefree...then it got weird. I was watched. You were watched. You are their commodity. I am unwanted. I threaten them with my love. Love is too honest and pure for them. They only understand greed and self-serving ways. They don't care what you want.
They want me dead.
You with your vulnerable heart that encompasses the unlovely, while you are grace and beauty in the presence of despair, and shame. But your moments of humble subservience to tend to our needs, just as Jesus humbled himself before the ill and lame to make them well again.
He is in you.
You are sanctified and blessed as if you open your soul in confession when you kneel down before us. You leave washed anew and we leave more hopeful and in awe.
I want to protect you and let you escape the wall and the locked door. I want to hear you laugh and take care of you, hold you and release any pain that grows in solitary and roll away the boulder that causes stagnation and putrefaction.
Breathe the air of freedom and fly.
I pray you will come to me.
I keep picturing you, pink shirt, khaki pants, rainbow socks, briefcase with a strap over your strong shoulder that too often holds up the world, walking quickly as I picketed for my rights....it was so windy as that area always seems to be. That smirky, smarmy security guard, who claimed you as his own, always yelling at me chasing me away, like some feral, rabid animal, lurking about, ready to pounce at me.
I have been treated as the lowest of the low. Why? What did I do that was so wrong? They own you. We seem to be in the same boat, but one with a better disguise. We are both trodden down and as if in captivity. You have a wall, I have a mental wall. Neither can be crossed.
It used to be fun. It used to feel carefree...then it got weird. I was watched. You were watched. You are their commodity. I am unwanted. I threaten them with my love. Love is too honest and pure for them. They only understand greed and self-serving ways. They don't care what you want.
They want me dead.
You with your vulnerable heart that encompasses the unlovely, while you are grace and beauty in the presence of despair, and shame. But your moments of humble subservience to tend to our needs, just as Jesus humbled himself before the ill and lame to make them well again.
He is in you.
You are sanctified and blessed as if you open your soul in confession when you kneel down before us. You leave washed anew and we leave more hopeful and in awe.
I want to protect you and let you escape the wall and the locked door. I want to hear you laugh and take care of you, hold you and release any pain that grows in solitary and roll away the boulder that causes stagnation and putrefaction.
Breathe the air of freedom and fly.
I pray you will come to me.
Dear D.....,
I was given an attorney by the Private Defender Program, but he has shown every indication that he is not working for me. He ignored a piece of law that could help me. He actually argued the point. He would not agree that a false restraining order does not carry contempt charges when The People v. Gonzalez proves that point. He yells at me and I do not want to continue to be abused by him. I feel he is not working on my behalf. The Private Defender Program will not give me another attorney. How can that be right? Am I supposed to go to court alone, or have an attorney who will not give me the best defense as possible?
I have been beaten up by this case, many times and in many ways. I did nothing wrong. I deserve to have it dropped and prosecute Michael C. Guasco, Marija M. Petrovic and their helpers. It was conspiracy to harm me and false imprisonment, etc. (Attempted murder) I have been suffering from this situation for 5 years now, I moved 140 miles away to show my compliance even though I knew it was an invalid restraining order. I didn’t want to have any risk of being again, falsely accused. I have MS, chronic back pain (recently), under a current breast cancer scare (I had a rare cancer several years ago) and I am a senior with no prior police record. I think Mr. Guasco manufactured this entire matter to help one of their doctors keep my doctor away from me, because Dr. L and I considered being friends. My guess is that Mr. Guasco complied by putting my doctor's name on the restraining order and then made him comply by using lies, threats and duress, or by telling him as he does others, that it was merely a means to keep us apart to comply with some sort of medical rule of former doctors and patients needing to abstain from seeing each other for a period of time. Mr. Guasco just seems to be too personally involved in this. He always says, “I” can keep you restrained forever, he always said "I" can do this, "I" can do that….” Never, Dr. L can do this, or that…
Had I been given a choice, I would have complied with abstaining from seeing my doctor on my own, not being subjected to a terrifying ordeal of threats, lies, jail and false contempt charges that led to my being jailed, do to the absolute non defense given to me by the attorney forced on me, Charles Smith IV, who was not at any time with the Private Defender Program, or at least before Judge Novak stuck me with him under threat of jail. He was initially stuck on me by Mr. Guasco, who else would have paid him? The Private Defender Program said he was not in their program at the time, and neither was I, because mine was a civil case, they serve only criminal matters. Judge Livermore tried to say it was “now a criminal matter”, in response to Mike Guasco’s made up contempt charges, but your office said no, it was still a civil matter. What Mr Smith did was control me, yell at me and blame me for the entire matter. He did not do anything on my behalf. He came to my trial without a meeting, without my file and had not even told me why I had to be in court. No word about a trial.
My doctor would not risk reprimand by his place of work to come to my surgery at my request through the ER doc to make me feel safe and then come to check on me after the surgery, just to hit me with a TRO a week later. Reason and the forgeries of his signature and other evidence proves my point. Also in court he said, "Her gifts to me were very nice and expensive!" Those are not the words of someone who was annoyed by my gifts. He also spoke my name I use for writing in such a caring way, it made me blush.
I would like to suggest that Dr. L and I have a chance to speak to each other in private, or with an impartial witness in attendance. I asked many times of Mr. Guasco if we could have mediation, but he immediately flatly refused. It is not an unusual request, especially for such a rather innocuous sounding R.O. Mr. Guasco is worried that if we speak to each other, the truth will come out. How can that be bad? I gave my doctor gifts and did NOTHING ELSE. Mr. Guasco had to include a salacious portion in the restraining order to get the attention of a judge. It was a lie and there were many forgeries of Dr. L’s signature in the court docs as per my experts.
There is absolutely no reason a Harvard graduated surgeon with nerves of steel would not be able to handle speaking to me for a few moments. The one time he had a chance to speak up in court about me, he made me feel as if he had not only no animosity toward me, but as someone who he was thanking for the nice gifts.
This entire matter has gotten out of hand and out of the control of the central figures involved. Other people have put their own desires first and foremost, not ours. It would be nice for us to say what we feel especially after all this time of not seeing, or talking to each other. I firmly believe that Mr. Guasco has a stake in keeping us apart for his own personal, gain not to comply with a doctor/patient waiting period to become friends, but a more personal gain motivating factor. I believe that Mr. Guasco is actually the attorney for Dr. M, Dr. L’s domestic/investment partner. I believe she is worried she will lose his monetary support, if he were allowed to have the freedom to make his own decisions. I also believe that Dr. L has been limited in his understanding as to what has been done in his name, otherwise there would be no need for forgeries, or lies in court documents saying he was at the hearing when he was not, as per my witness’s statement.
No one should ever be treated the way I was treated, for any reason. I have had my civil rights completely ignored and abused. I had an attorney forced upon me twice and both times by use of a lie and absolutely by threat of being sent to jail by Judge Novak.
This entire matter took away my rights, my power, my strength, my humanity. Each way I turned was a dead end, that is even the way it is today. Mr Guasco did not deny that he had done something to put the word out, not to hire me. I specifically asked him, but he merely smiled. No attorney would let me hire them. They turned me down even before I could find out about the matter of payment. I believe Mr. Guasco has used an innocuous sounding story, by telling attorneys somehow, that I am just going through a waiting period, yet in reality dealing with me on a cruel and abusive level. It truly sounds as if a person who is accomplished with covert methods has had a hand in Mr. Guasco’s methods of making plans for hurting people, making them look bad and applying legal force to enforce it. They lure people, entrap them and use their frantic response to the stimulus as evidence against them. As was done to me. Marija M. Petrovic was obviously trained in covert methods and mind control. Normal psychiatrists try and help people, not harm them. She is Dr. M’s friend and she was hired to “get rid of you” (me) as security guard, Edward Souza told me, with my witness hearing. I think Dr. M brought her “hit man” friend back to Kaiser to “get rid” of me and did not seem to care how it was accomplished. It has been 4+ years of my restraint under a false restraining order. I have been horribly abused The wait was not as much the problem, but the lack of truth, the taunting and the smearing of my name as a crazy person, and criminal pervert monster. My integrity and reputation were trampled by Guasco. He did this to me to make me hate Dr. L and attack my health by screaming at me and terrorizing me by the Judges, especially Judge Novak. They did everything possible to make me feel terrible, remove my self-esteem and feel like I was looked at with disgust. I was made to feel absolutely powerless and worthless. They are scary. It is why I fear for Dr. L’s life. They have no remorse for what they did to me, I don’t think they would care if they harmed him and forged his assets away to those involved in this dangerous sham. Mr. Guasco carries on the same torment as he did to me with other Kaiser patients right now.
I always knew this was an invalid restraining order and I knew too that there could be no contempt with a false restraining order. It is very similar to “the fruit of the poisonous tree.” If there is something wrong with evidence at the start, nothing done on down the line will make it good again. If it is bad from the beginning, it is always bad.
1. Marija M. Petrovic was rehired (very likely by Dr. M, her friend/acquaintance to come back to Kaiser to “get rid” of me.) She did anything she could to get me away from Dr. L and in the end, she did. She was said, by my expert to most likely be the one who was the forger of Dr. L’s signature and that of an attorney at Buty & Curliano on their letterhead stationary and when papers on the case were faxed from Dr. L’s San Rafael office (during his days off from there) her forgery of Dr. L’s signature across the from that of Mike Guasco, showed the close and conspiratorial relationship of Marija M. Petrovic, Mike Guasco and the Law Firm of Buty & Curliano. They conspired to harm me. They included several actors.
“Prosecutors commonly charge conspiracy whenever two or more offenders act in tandem. A person can be convicted both of an underlying crime and of conspiracy to commit it, and receive separate punishments for each offense.”
2. Dr. L asked me if I wanted to be friends, so I dropped him as my doctor to start the wait period. In turn, the heat was turned up by Marija Petrovic. She had been spying on my appointments and obviously heard every word and told Dr. M, who got Guasco involved.
3. Things were going along quietly, until I needed gallbladder surgery and asked if Dr. L could observe. My surgeon said he had been there. I left a message of thanks for Dr. L on an entrapment phone message line (found that out later) and a week later I got a TRO. I believe that the fact that Dr. L cared enough about my welfare to do me that favor, upset those who wanted to keep us apart, so a faked TRO was served to me. It was a plan to both assure my adherence to the time apart to become friends. It was a matter of control and to terrorize and punish me by the person who started this in the first place.
Mr. Guasco knows that he made up everything about the restraining order and manipulated every move with lies and intimidation and made up contempt charges against me and filed restraining order court papers with forgeries in them. He taunted me, forced an attorney on me who abused me and screamed at me and told me everything was my fault. They had judge Novack terrorize me and always threaten me with jail and cleared the courtroom so she could berate me with astounding, bizarre, cruel things that eventually made me pass out for a moment. Judge Novak acted like I was the most terrible person in the world and would threaten me with jail every so often, and heckled me from the bench. One time she called me “stalker.” She said, “no wonder the doctor is afraid of you.” She had most of what I said on the witness stand, stricken from the record.
In court, Dr. L said my name so sweetly and looked at me sweetly too and said that my gifts were, “very nice and expensive.” No one ever brought the lie that I supposedly behaved in an improper manner toward Dr. L. They knew that Dr. L would never go along with that. Neither of us ever behaved improperly.
So no matter that Dr. L blew the restraining order out of the water, I was put in jail and fined anyway.
It was obvious that the reason that Mr. Guasco did not bring Dr. L to the July 12 R.O. extension hearing, was because he told the truth during the (false) contempt trial. Guasco claimed on the court filed paperwork that Dr. L had been present to the trial, when he had never been there, as witnessed by my adult son. My expert said that Dr. L’s signature was forged on the court filed paperwork. The two year extension was false, therefore the contempt charge connected with it was also false.
Mr. Guasco did not just allow me to wait; he had to torment me, terrorize me, yell in my face, force a cruel attorney on me, have a cruel “psychiatrist” make cruel calls to me taunt me and tried to get me to kill myself. It went on and on and I hung in there by being strong. It was the worst, most terrible time in my already difficult life.
It harmed my health, it challenged my emotional strength. I cried each day for nearly 4 years. I hid away. I stopped seeing family or friends. I have been housebound. It frightened me. I felt less of a human being than others. It hurt me deeply.
All because someone was upset that I gave Dr. L a few gifts because of his help with my medical care and that I said that yes, I thought it would be nice to become friends.
The court was disrespected by those who were its officers. I was abused in the name of justice, but Justice was fooled and abused by those sworn to uphold it. Mr. Guasco should not be an attorney and the rest of the team should be investigated and punished. I could have died. They knew that. It is what they wanted, or they would not have done this to a person in my condition.
I believe Judge Chou’s signature was forged. It needs to be checked. That means he was complicit.
I suffered greatly. Dr. L suffered greatly. We deserve damages.
I will take any lie detection. I don’t lie.
I should have a jury trial and another attorney who is not working for Guasco, but helping me instead.
Sincerely,
Cheryl Petrovich